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Breaking news out of Southeast Asia as reports come in that unnamed assailants have injured the cast and crew of Tropic Thunder. No word as to the severity of the injuries but we are hearing now that director Damien Cockburn was killed in the attack. We are unclear about the details, but as the situation develops, we will bring you the information.

It's somewhere between Hanoi and Los Angeles when CNN starts showing bits of footage from some hidden camera footage that a set tech sold them that Kirk Lazarus realizes that they've got a real movie on their hands. Not that bodgy piece of shite that Tropic Thunder was, but whatever's left on the cameras that dill Damien Cockburn planted in the jungle.

Les Grossman may be a bastard, but he's not a drongo, and he probably has his people already locking up the footage tighter than a fish's arse. All it takes is some editing, some payouts to a few family members, and some bodies buried deep, and he's got more than the movie he paid for. The Weinsteins would kill for this opportunity and Grossman's got it tightly gripped in his sweaty fingers.

Ever since his stay in Perth Juvenile Facility, Lazarus knows what's grouse and what's not. Hotspur under that louse-about Belton was not. But he knew that there was something waiting for him in Tropic Thunder and it took several deaths, many explosions, and a nervous breakdown to find it.

And Tugg Speedman, if he has any sense left, will realize he is sitting on solid gold. After all, he finally fucking learned how to cry.

Just saw "Tropic Blunder" and this is the shit! Things blowing up, actors kicking ass, and a fucking awesome plot. Hard to believe it's real but it is. If this doesn't win the Oscar, those assholes at the Academy don't know what greatness is.
--Ain't It Cool News

"Damn dude, I don't know!"

Tugg has no fucking idea what to do. One day he's trying to keep himself from getting killed by those freaky little kids and the next day, people keep talking to him about how he got such "raw emotion" on the screen. Whatever that means. He's pretty sure it has something to do with him crying. Kirk's right.

Now Rick's talking to him about "expanding his range" (and how did he get back? Is he dead? Because that'd be totally uncool if he was a zombie with that crazy voodoo that they do over there, he thinks). He keeps bringing up guys named David Fincher and Christopher Nolan and even Ron Howard (dude, the guy who did that movie with astronauts). It's so far from Scorcher that Tugg thinks he might be crying again.

But not the uncool crying. The manly kind of crying that Kirk taught him when they were out in the jungle and he was really trying to impress him.

And he doesn't want to think about the other thing Rick's said, about him having a really good shot at winning Best Actor. Because that would be the most awesome thing he could think of, except for that one time he woke up and thought he was a panda. That Tac was pretty strong shit.

Cannes spared some love for the Americans as Damien Cockburn's Tropic Blunder, an unflinching and raw look at the troubled filming of "Tropic Thunder", unanimously picked up the jury prize. Already the film is being tipped as a major awards contender back in the states.

Damien Cockburn would probably be ecstatic if he knew what was happening. It's not everyday a reasonably unknown director makes a movie that causes an international incident, gets critical praise, and is tracking at unheard of numbers for a documentary.

He'd be thrilled that the budget he thought was so wasted turned out to not matter at all as Grossman's managed to get the maximum profit out of all the cameras and news reporters there by suing them for any footage they took in the jungle, by claiming it's all his property.

Speedman's suddenly one of those idiot savants who just blissfully stumbled across the perfect mixture of stupidity and likeability to make the public and critics take notice. Lazarus is already getting talk of a lifetime achievement award and he's not even fifty yet. Portnoy's HBO stand-up special is doing great sales on DVD. Chino's won the landmark Vanguard Award from GLAAD.

All of this means that Tropic Blunder, as it's now being called, is hitting the American consciousness in a saturation not seen since Britney Spears was a naughty schoolgirl asking people to hit her one more time. It's the time of stuff that would make even an experienced director get some fine quality drugs/booze/sex partners and hole up in the Four Seasons for a week, rolling in dollar bills, scripts, and enough rubber to make a tire factory.

But he's dead so he's pretty well fucked.

No one should be surprised that Tropic Blunder hung on for a sixth week at #1 at the box office, raking in another $40 million to reach a 300 million cume. It's already broken the documentary record set back in 2004 by Fahrenheit 9/11 and look for it to crack the top five box office by the end of its run.
--The Hollywood Reporter

"Fuck you."

"Who the fuck is this?"

"Who do you think? It's fucking Ari, is who, you fat bastard."

"If your client's looking to get more fucking money, you've got another fucking thing coming. Go fuck yourself, you cocksucker."

"I thought that's what Rob did for you. And with all the fucking money you're making off of him, you'd better cough up some of the contingent."

"He's already got a fixed of ten million. He doesn't fucking need any more, you fucking leech."

"I know Rick's already gotten you to give up 5% of the DVD revenue. What he'd do? Get pictures of you getting blown by a panda? Or was it that whole nearly killing his client off in the jungle that opened up your panties?"

"You know what, you and Lazarus can just go fuck each other. Neither one of you is getting one more goddamned penny."

"Oh, I think a little recording of you fucking dancing to some shitty ass gangster rap and talking about killing off America's favorite retarded sweetheart would look great on Access Hollywood. I can just see the look of delight on Harvey's face as he watches your ass get pounded by the reporters."

"What the fuck---"

"Did you forget my brother's fucking working for the President now? I can wiretap your ass faster than you can track me down with your fucking monkeys."


"I'm waiting."

"All right. He gets the same deal as Tuggman. Five percent of DVD gross."

"Seven. He's won more Oscars than him and that was one fucking mentally scarring dance."

"Six and I want the recordings, plus if you fucking tap me again, I'll let Stone make that movie he's already writing the script for. And you know your brother's going to fucking kill you if that goes through."

"Fucking tight-ass bitch. All right. But if I see anyone rummaging through Barry's sock drawer..."

"What the fuck ever." Click.

3:00 PM
BRAVO - Inside The Actor's Studio
"Kirk Lazarus"
Award winning actor Kirk Lazarus discusses his acting method and his experiences in working on the failed "Tropic Thunder". With host James Lipton.

HBO - "Rain of Madness"
A documentary of the making of Tropic Thunder. Jan Jurgen goes behind the scenes of this troubled failure to expose the dark truth behind the movie.

TBS - "Simple Jack"
Offensive comedy about a mentally challenged farm boy who learns about life. Incredibly idiotic. With Tugg Speedman.
--TV Guide

The Tropic Blunder madness is not easily squelched. After a while, everyone wants a piece of the greatest cast of the most famous failure of all time. It's a bonanza for the agents, who can't overexpose their clients fast enough. The tabloids are weeping with the joy after the inevitable disappointments of Hilton, Lohan et al, and before you know it, everyone's gay, getting fat, and/or adopting small orphans from countries most of their reporters can't find on the maps.

Kirk Lazarus got the prime spots: a rambling interview with Lipton in which his rather sordid and Dickensian past is brought up for maximum impact, a spread in "People" next to some rather questionable Paul Newman comparisons, and a "Rolling Stone" review of a demo he recorded with his new band "The Normal Phobia of Deities."

Tugg Speedman made Oprah and visiting guest singer Mariah Carey cry with his impassioned recounting of the fate of pandas. He also made the usual rounds: "Entertainment Weekly", "The Hollywood Reporter", and even a rather strange, but well-received joint appearance with Angelina Jolie at a benefit for better schooling and childcare in Southeast Asia.

Alpa Chino fairly exhausted the resources of all of MTV, BET and Logo's cable programming after realizing the whole bullshit of almost all network television. It's rumored he's in development with Tyra on an unnamed project. Sources predict the CW will ultimately be the ones pick it up.

Jeff Portnoy was a regular fixture on Comedy Central and HBO, where his incredibly popular stand-up routines prompted ex-girlfriend Courtney Love to call him. The resulting restraining order, stalking, lawsuit, and incessant playing of Nirvana were good for at least one news cycle.

Kevin Sandusky wasn't sure what he said, but he's pretty sure he's not Shia LeBeouf's older brother like that magazine claimed.

Damien Cockburn was still dead.

Everyone talked to Larry King because he began crying when they made excuses to get out of it.

Tobey Maguire could be a spoiler for his role as the turbulent, conflicted young monk in Satan's Alley, but look for Tugg Speedman to win his first Oscar. It's unusual to give it to a man who plays himself, but his range is impressive as he goes from delusional actor who borders on idiocy to actual action hero with that kind of breakdown the Academy loves. I say the award's as good as his.
--LA Times

No one thinks to talk to Tobey Maguire about what he thinks about all of this. It's not like he was involved in it. He didn't go to the Golden Triangle, get shot at, have his director's head severed, and discover a group of child terrorists worshipping a movie Ebert actually fled from in the theater.

But Tobey feels connected to all of it. If it hadn't been for Satan's Alley, he wouldn't have met one of the greatest actors he's ever worked with, Kirk Lazarus. He wouldn't have gotten that nomination only to lose to Tugg, who probably only got that because working with Lazarus makes you better. His dedication and sheer insanity is contagious, and if that means that you end up making out with him one day after hours because Father O'Malley can't contain his pent-up frustration and someone left their Enigma CD playing, so be it. Everyone's gay in Hollywood for a minute anyhow and it's nice to show off just why he won that MTV Award.

He's watched Tropic Blunder and it makes him jealous. Not for the mayhem or the bloodshed or the really appalling working conditions he's sure SAG's legal department would have a field day with, but for the way everyone came together at the end. It's hard for that many egos to work together, he knows, and in the end, they actually seemed to give a damn about each other. The fact that this means they get gobs of money, awards, and their pick of scripts only adds to the sheer frustration that there wasn't a role for a young soldier, who needed to learn the value of human life and whose wide eyes would touch everyone's hearts.

Of course, he's still alive and there are always the next two Spider-Man movies to make some serious bank with.

Key features: A thoroughly illuminating commentary track featuring the cast with some truly hair-raising stories; the documentary "Rain of Madness"; interviews with the cast and crew; outtakes and deleted scenes.
--The A.V. Club

After the commentary is complete and they're all sitting around getting wasted on some of Lazarus's imported beer and some weird-ass Asian shit Speedman swears is totally natural and won't make you see things at all, they begin to talk about the old days.

"Honestly, the fact that all you fuckers are still alive surprises me. Especially you, Speedman."

"Yeah, I have to say I thought your ass would still be back there teaching those psycho kids how to totally suck at acting."

"Look guys, I totally know why you think I'd die, but dude, give me a break. I've got an Oscar now. I'm totally serious. Right, Portnoy? Portnoy?"

"Uh, I think he's dead or something."

"Oh man, I'm like a bear or something. Whoa. I didn't know bears could talk."

"What the fuck did you give him, Speedman? Seriously, what the fuck."

"No, dude, it's totally natural and shit. It's like, Tac, but it's this thing called Tic. It's like Diet Tac."

"Wait, is that the same shite you got from China? Because if it is, I don't care if I saved you back then. I'm going to kill you."

"No, man, I'm a bear. A BEAR WHO FARTS!"

"Son of a bitch. I'm taking this motherfucker outside."

"Speedman. You fucker."

"Look dude, I'm sorry."

"Fuck. It's like fucking punting a puppy or something."

"Uh, Lazarus."



"Spit it out."

"Is it me or are you wearing heels right now?"

Kirk Lazarus has taken on many difficult roles in his lifetime: deaf Nazi (If You Could Hear What I See), monk struggling with his sexuality (Satan's Alley), even Neil Armstrong (Moonshot). Most famously, he is known for his controversial operation to play an African-American platoon sergeant in Tropic Thunder, a movie that shifted into the acclaimed movie, Tropic Blunder, which won multiple Academy Awards and launched Tugg Speedman as a viable and respected actor.

But now he faces what many consider to be his most challenging role yet: Nancy Reagan in the new biopic by Oliver Stone. Protests have already been lodged, but let's face it. Who else would have the balls to do it?
--Entertainment Weekly