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What to Expect When Expecting

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"So we're going to have a kid or whatever," April says, and the entire office comes to a standstill.

"You're gonna have a what now?" asks Donna into the silence.

"A baby!" Andy explodes from where he has been jiggling from foot to foot with excitement, standing beside April. "We're having a baby and it's gonna be the best baby ever, and you're all totally invited to the baby shower!"

Ron's office door slowly swings open.

"As in -- you're pregnant right now? Actually pregnant right now," Ann says, standing slack-jawed in the doorway to Leslie's office.

April shoots her a flat look. "No, Ann, I'm just standing here saying stuff about babies because it's really fun."

"Hey, guys, congratulations!" says Jerry, standing up, and Andy hugs him so hard that Jerry starts to look like he's in some distress. That starts the talking all at once; everyone crowding around to offer congratulations and hugs.

"Dude!" Tom's voice floats over the chaos. "You're gonna have a mini-you!"

"I know!" Andy yells, and he picks Tom up off the ground with the force of his hug.

"Oh my God, you're going to be parents!" says Leslie, starting to laugh with an edge, and she steps out from behind her desk to join the hug parade.

--

"Oh my God," Leslie wails to the camera, wide-eyed. "They're going to be parents!"

--

"I in no way, shape, or form want Andy back," Ann says frankly, standing in the hallway. "He and April are weirdly sweet together, and I wish them," she swoops a hand, "every happiness, seriously. But come on." She leans in intently. "The two of them? With a baby?? That's really scary, right?!"

--

Leslie holds the phone up to the camera, making an I told you so face. "Oh dear God," Ben's tinny horrified voice says.

--

"I think it's great," Donna says brightly. "They love each other, and with April knocked up, it's even more obvious that I am officially the hottest available thing going in the Parks Department."

--

"Dang," says Jean-Ralphio. He's nonchalantly standing in front of a dumpster. "I love pregnant ladies; they are crazy in the sack, and totally desperate for a little taste of the J to the E to the A to the N to the hyphen to the R to the A to the L to the P to the H to the I to the O."

He pauses.

"What's her name again?"

--

"I need to move out," Ben continues over the phone. "Like, right now. They can't even take care of themselves; who do you think would wind up being that kid's real parent?!"

The camera pans out to reveal Leslie still sitting in her chair, now looking pensive. "I think that would make you Grandpa, really," she says.

There's a laugh. Another quick pan reveals that it came from Ann, who is sitting in the chair by the door.

"Not helping, Leslie!"

--

"Kids are amazing," Jerry tells the camera, smiling and standing outside the door to the Parks Department. "My three girls have changed my life in ways I couldn't even have imagined. Parenthood is the biggest and best accomplishment of my life and I can't wait for Andy and April to get to experience it, too. As a matter of fact, I think we still have a few boxes of baby clothes up in the attic--"

"Shut up, Jerry; nobody wants to hear your ramblings," Leslie says as she storms past. The camera follows her down the hall for a moment, then returns to Jerry, who sighs.

--

Tom beams, the curve of his mouth enormous and delighted, at the camera.

"He's been like that for hours," Lucy says, sitting on the edge of his desk. "I came by for lunch, and ever since I got here, it's just been--" She pulls a highly creditable imitation of Tom's huge smile. The camera shifts from Tom's face to Lucy's and back to Tom's again. He doesn't so much as twitch.

Lucy drops it and shakes her head, the hint of a wry but fond, real smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "Who knew the little weirdo liked babies so much?"

--

"It's true!" Andy says, perched at a table in the courtyard with April in his lap, his arm slung around her waist. "There is going to be a tiny Ludgate-Dwyer in this world, and he and/or she is going to be super adorable."

"My mom is already knitting, like, baby shoes and stuff. It's dumb," April says, but she quirks a faint smile, rolling her eyes, as Andy growls playfully and sways back and forth with her.

There is a murmur of a question.

She shoots a blank look behind the camera. "Whatever, it'll be fine," she says. "Like it's hard to raise a kid."

"A kid of awesome!" Andy agrees, and April laughs this time as he lightly shakes her. "His middle name is going to be Mouserat!"

"No, it's not."

"No it's not," Andy agrees seriously, without skipping a beat.

--

"She said that?" Leslie demands, her head in her hands. "Oh God. Oh my God."

"That baby is either going to be seriously messed up or completely self-sufficient by age two." A pan-out reveals the phone still out of its cradle on her desk.

--

"They're having," Chris says, choked, "a baby?" His eyes are shining with unshed tears. "That is literally the most beautiful thing I have ever heard."

The camera focuses in on his rapturous expression, then suddenly zooms further to Ann, who is standing down the hall. She points at Chris and mouths, 'I dated that,' pulling a face.

--

The next day, there is a beautiful, gleaming wooden bassinet standing between Andy and April's desks. While everyone circles around to take a closer look at it, Leslie slips into Ron's office.

"You're going to tell me to let them make their own choices again, aren't you?" Leslie asks, arms folded as she leans in Ron's doorway.

Ron seems to think about the question. "Something like that," he agrees, genial enough.

"It's a beautiful bassinet, Ron."

"I," he says, without looking up from the ledger that he's jotting notes in, "have no idea what you're talking about." Despite his denials, he half-smiles under his mustache after April marches in, unceremoniously kisses his cheek, and marches back out again.