Captain's Blog, Film Date 11 March 2011
Hello, human beings of Greendale! Have you seen the casting sheet for Abed Nadir's new movie? Quoted from the mouth of the great Abed himself, "It's a remake of the classic underappreciated 1994 movie Threesome, about the jinx of three sexually-conflicted suitemates who, bottle episode-esque, hide their UST from each other until it all breaks down into a poignant orgy that dissolves their friendship." I guess the movie was M/M/F, but Abed's apparently willing to "go beyond gender roles to really explore how sexual tension can aid and abet a friendship during our college years." An exclusive interview in the cafeteria also revealed that this was another item on Abed's Quintessential College Experience bucket list. Who's with me in trying out for this? Any other readers out there in the blogosphere going to give it a try? We've seen Abed's other work, and this should definitely be the sleeper hit of the spring semester, if his ability to turn other shit source material into gold is any indication!
Captain's Blog, Film Date 14 March 2011
Today was the casting call for "Threesome: Abed's Remake (A Working Title)," and I was surprised that I didn't see more of you human beings there! Is Greendale just that backward and lame when it comes to making softcore porn on a college campus? Who are we, City College? We have way more UST than that. Jeff Winger and Britta Perry and Professor Slater alone fueled the wet dreams of most of the first years in Spring 2010. I was totally surprised. I never thought I'd get cast, especially since the official Greendale Chemistry Meter -- run by Professor Duncan himself -- says that I only rate a 5 on the scale with guys, and a 6 with girls. I guess I was just that much better than the competition! Fine, there were only three of us there, but still! I made it to the next round of casting. And Abed knew my name!
Filming starts tomorrow, but we all have to sign union cards before Abed will allow us 'on the set,' which is apparently his dorm room. He's really going for that authentic look and feel. I can't wait! See you from the set tomorrow, blogosphere. I might even vlog, if I can figure out how to convert the files from my memory card. Note to self: try to get a digicam that doesn't use memory sticks...
Captain's Blog, Film Date 15 March 2011
So. I know Abed's supposed to be this great, misunderstood genius and everything, but trying to make a realistic remake of Threesome with Starburns, Leonard and me in the starring roles? I don't think even Abed's miraculous talent -- did you see "ABED" last year? -- could transform this into something even remotely sexy. We definitely got the U in the UST. Maybe the T too. But there's nothing Sexual about this. I think there was more UST going on behind the scenes. His whole stupid study group was there -- well, Annie and Britta and Troy, who has that whole epic bromance thing going on with Abed. Supposedly they were his ADs. I have my doubts.
Britta kept going on and on about how avant-garde Abed was for not casting the starring roles in the traditional M/F/F dynamic, except she's totally ageist, because she kept cringing anytime anyone mentioned Leonard. And she kept trying to direct us on where our hands should be and how to really 'play up the tension,' as if she's some kind of expert on faking that you're not -- or are -- attracted to anyone. I mean, how meta can you get? Like this isn't some fantasy she's directed in her head, even though she and Winger are *so* over, if you know what I mean.
And Annie had that kinda wide-eyed look, like she thinks she's not supposed to be enjoying this, but you know she is, because her eyes are glazed over and you know she's not seeing us anymore? Or, at least, she's not seeing Starburns and Leonard and me. She'd look from Britta to Troy and back to Britta, then she'd do that lip-lick thing, and I swear to god, at one point she actually said, "I've seen everything." Who quotes that anymore? Is she the last one on the fan-service wagon or something?
Troy was trying to help. He and Abed have that weird twin thing that they do, where they can read each other's minds because they're so in love with each other's souls or whatever. Abed would just have to point, and Troy would totally know where to move us into position. Football player or whatever, Troy's a professional. Did you see the kegstand he did last week at the pillow fight in Clarence Hall?
So the great remake that was supposed to be the sleeper hit of the season just kind of fizzled and died. Even geniuses can't create chemistry where it doesn't exist. I mean, I know slash fans do it all the time online, but that's different. This is real life! I guess someone could find Leonard attractive, and apparently Starburns shaved his pubes into the shape of a star -- so I guess that makes him Starpubes? Starcrotch? I dunno. From what I saw of his junk, before those prudes Britta and Annie started screaming at him to pull his pants back up, it looked like the man was hung. Big hands, big sideburns, big...? I think Abed just bit off more than he could chew here. His "Troy and Abed in the Morning" is brilliant, and I loved that series of short films he made a few semesters ago about life at Greendale, but I think there's a limit to what genius can get away with.
Plus, once Britta and Troy started arguing and tearing each other's clothes off, and then when Annie jumped in and accidentally pantsed herself, I knew it was all over. Abed seemed to take it in stride, since he just panned the camera from us to them, that same thoughtful look on his face. Once Troy dropped to his knees in front of Abed and starting unzipping Abed's jeans with his teeth, I figured it was time to leave.
Even if I really wanted to stay. I know Starburns and Leonard did.
My one shot at stardom. I wonder if we'll even make the outtakes once this hits Blu-ray.