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Profane Shenanigans

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First Impressions

“Egbert, whoa slow down, chill out, you are going to be starting some sick fires here if you run any faster.”

Dave raised an eyebrow at the blue blur that shot past him once he opened the door. He had gotten a hasty text message from the Egderp, spewing something about “Karkat's going on a digital rampage,” and that “he needed to fix it.” Dave kept his poker face on as he closed the door and turned to face him, internally amused at all of this.

“So, what kind of global war did the nubby douche bag start now?”

John laughed heavily, his breath labored as he recovered from the run. “Daaaaaaaave, Karkat's not a douchebag, he's just angry! besides, that's not important; you need to come and see!”

“See what, Egbert?”

“They're playing LoL, Dave.”

Dave froze; not out of horror or sheer shock, but out of the sick explosion of [i]irony[/i] that was blasting through his body. The raging firestorm of cool from this situation locked down his body and tested his poker face.

Not that it affected it at all; Dave was the coolkid and would never deviate from such an ironic role. He raised an eyebrow in response and gazed at John from behind his glasses. He had only found that game by accident, probably due to Bro, he always found weird shit on his computer at the right time. Something called League of Legends, some online sensation that had distracted him from the latest Soapstuck episode, and involved champions fighting in some forest with furries for turrets and the objective was to blow up some giant bling structure called a “Nexus.” He had played around with it, but it was only for material to be shown in his comics and to be ironic from time to time. John had asked about it when he was over one day and saw him playing it; he saw no harm in telling him about it, since he figured most of the players were going to drive him away from it with their attitudes.

The derp didn't like harsh language or discriminatory attitudes, and this game's player base was full of them.

“Did you tell them about the game, Egbert?”

John fidgeted, rubbing the back of his head nervously. “Well..yeah, I mentioned it and Karkat asked about it...He seemed really interested in it, so I thought why not?”

Dave resisted the urge to sigh and nodded. “Very well, let's go see what kind of pirouettes off the ledge of sanity Kitkat is making.”

John shifted nervously and Dave slowly turned to stare at him. “Are you holding out on me, Egbert? Is there some shiny rock you are hiding from the tomb and planning to sell without me?”

John shook his head furiously. “No, no no, just...he's not the only one playing. Terezi, Kanaya, and Gamzee are, too.”

Dave's stomach flips were of irony, not of sheer terror of what he was about to find.

Totally.

***

The first indication that they had found them was Karkat's swearing.

“YOU STUPID NOOKSNIFFER, WHY DID YOU TOWER DIVE THE GAREN? HE HAS MORE HEALTH THAN YOU, MORE DAMAGE THAN YOU, AND MORE EVERYTHING THAN YOU, YOU DOUCHEFUCK!”

Terezi's maniacal laughter followed, her shrieking banging about the room, with Gamzee's occasional honks and muttering from a corner revealing Kanaya. Dave glanced at Egbert from behind his glasses, glad of his ability to do this and hide the evidence behind his shades The derp was shifting from foot to foot, his face down, but to one with all the skill, you could see he was biting his lip to try and keep himself from laughing.

Easing his posture into an indifferent slouch, Dave sauntered over to the table. Terezi turned and smiled, her maw of razor-sharp teeth sending a tremor down his spine that he ignored. “H3Y COOLK1D!” She licked her lips and Dave decided he had gotten close enough. He leaned against a nearby wall and nodded.

“Sup, TZ. So I see you are playing some kind of game, and not doing well if Mr. Nubs-a-Lot is any indication.”

Karkat's head whipped around so fast, Dave was surprised his neck didn't snap. “SHUT THE FUCK UP, STRIDER. THE PEOPLE IN THIS GAME ARE BEACONS OF STUPID THAT OUTSHINE ANYTHING YOUR PATHETIC IRONY ROUTINE COULD CONJURE UP. JEGUS, EVEN JOHN WOULD BE A BETTER CHOICE THAN THESE PEOPLE, AND HE FUCKED UP LAST GAME!”

“Hey! I did just fine!”

“NO. NO YOU DIDNT. YOU DIED TO CREEPS, JOHN. CREEPS. I SWEAR TO GOG I THOUGHT THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE, BUT NOPE, YOU PROVED ME WRONG, YOU FUCKING DERP.”

Gamzee reached over and papped Karkat in the face. “CaLm DoWn MoThErFuCkEr, We HaVe A mIrAcLe To FiNiSh. HoNk!”

“I Would Prefer It If You All Stopped Yelling And Actually Played The Game.” All eyes turned to Kanaya, who resolutely stared at her screen, her lips in a thin line and her body tensed up as if she was ready to start mauling. Dave had never seen Kanaya this angry, she was always calm and sarcastic. Lalonde would be flipping her shit if she could see her partner in sarcasm now.

Karkat, as usual, did not make things any better.

“I'M TRYING, MARYAM, BUT THE DOUCHESHIT ON OUR TEAM CAN'T FIND HIS WAY TO ANYTHING BUT THE WEAPONS OF THE OTHER TEAM.”

Dave craned his head and looked at Terezi's screen, quickly scanning what he needed to know. Terezi was Miss Fortune, Karkat Urgot, and Gamzee had Heimerdinger. Kanaya was playing Morgana, and was doing the best on the team. Terezi was doing okay with Fortune, being at 4/2/6 kill death assist ratio, and Gamzee was all over the place. 2/10/12, not surprising considering the guy had eyes that would make the most veteran hippie ask for a refund. And Karkat was playing like shit, go figure, call the presses, this news is hot hot hot.

0/22/4

Dave could not believe his eyes. People being this bad was a prize to be cherished, you grabbed that shit, dusted it off, polished it with love and care and set it down carefully on a pedestal of just how much you should not play this game anymore.

“GOGDAMMIT TEREZI, DON'T CHARGE IN, BACKOFFBACKOFFBACKTHEFUCKOFF, OH FUCK, STOP LICKING YOUR SCREEN, STOP IT YOU BULGELICKER!”

“H33H33H33H33!”

“Gamzee I Could Use Your Help Down Bottom, Would You Assist Me Please?”

“CaN Do, MoThErFuCkEr.”

“Gamzee No Avoid The River, No No Why Did You Do That.”

“I jUsT wAnTeD tO gEt To YoU, i DiDn'T eXpEcT tO FiNd ThEm.”

The game went on, and it reached levels of fail and bad that Dave wished he could find a camera to save this shit for posterity. Top fell quickly as the Ashe on the team decided to jump into the enemy Chogath's mouth, and feed him until he was insanely large and fed beyond all belief. His item build was almost complete, and he was tearing through the trolls team whenever he arrived for team fights.

Karkat would charge in, cursing out orders and dying first most of the time, Terezi competently killed half the time, which was the time not spent licking the screen to taste all the colors, and Gamzee would do well if every second he wasn't spacing out and drooling on his keyboard. Kanaya was the one driving the team and keeping it alive, but she could not carry hard enough to turn the game around. Green flushed her face as her hands began to shake, and she bit her lip until blood actually began to flow.

Dave carefully watched her, counting down in his head from ten until she would explode while John looked at him curiously, wondering why he was slowly backing up.

He made it to four when Kanaya finally exploded. She threw her hands up, bared her teeth and growled out her rage.

“I Have Had Enough Of This. You Cannot Play This Game Without Fighting, Yelling, and Ignoring The True Objective! If You Cannot At Least Attempt Some Kind of Competence In This Game, Then Do Not Waste The Time Of Those Who Do! Karkat If You Spent Less Time Ordering Us Around And Actually Played You Would Have Actually Helped The Game, Terezi Spending Less Time Licking Your Ridiculous Screen Would have Aided Us in Securing Victory And Gamzee If You Cannot Focus On The Game, Then Do Not Play At All!”

She breathed hard as she finished her rant, her fists clenched and everyone staring at her. Karkat's jaw was open, and working to try and say something but obviously failing. Dave noted he looked like a fish and decided to remind him of it later when he felt like riling him up. Gamzee merely cocked his head in mild interest and Terezi looked like she was trying to suppress a laugh and she was doing a terrible job of it.

Almost as a final “fuck you”, suddenly an explosion sounded from all four computers, followed by a woman saying “DEFEAT”. Kanaya's eye twitched and everyone eagerly moved logged off and moved away, as she slowly reached into her bag and pulled out her lipstick. At this point, Dave stepped in.

“Alright, kids, class is over, time for recess. Go out in the field and be careful of rusty equipment. I don't want to have to give out tetanus shots.”

Karkat bolted, followed by Gamzee's aimless wandering, as Terezi scooted up to Dave. She reached for his shades but he quickly flash-stepped away, raising an eyebrow at her.

“H33 H33 H33, 1'LL G3T YOUR SH4D3S 3V3NTU4LLY, COOLK1D!”

“You wish, TZ. I won't even consider it until the fourth date.”

Terezi's laughter echoed throughout the room and John finally decided to leave, getting away from the maniacal Seer. It was fine, he knew how to handle the troll. Besides, he had plans to discuss with her.

The trolls were going to play again and he was going to be on that shit like a starving man on pizza. Tickets would be sold, posters put up, and this would be the best ironic party ever.