During the American Music Awards, I remembered the adrenaline rush and the excitement of performing my first single in front of a live audience. On national television, as the ending act to the show, this would be the first time I would be appearing to the media since American Idol.
I had to go out there and blow their minds. The song was racy, sexually charged and dangerous. My mind took over; my body followed its natural instincts. That's why, when I found myself face-to-face with Tommy, I couldn't resist.
I knew in the moments before I reached the man, that I would kiss him. Something on impulse, for entertainment, to make a few heads turn and wonder, "Did I just see that?"
I knew right in that moment, that it was going to be awesome. I knew my dancers, I knew my band – in the few months we had together. Tommy wouldn't mind if I kissed him on stage, in front of the cameras, thousands, even millions, of people on television.
I don't regret what I did, and I'm not sorry for it. Looking back, I do wish I knew before hand about the wheel of fate, about the events I would be setting in motion. I'm not talking about the media back-lash or being canceled for a few television performances.
If I knew before hand the kinds of feelings it would spark within me, within Tommy, I might not have waited until the AMAs. Although our journey wasn't an easy one, sometimes I thought it would be nice if I were a little more prepared for it.
But no one is ever prepared to fall in love. Not being able to see the future, living in the moment and feeling that burning and longing inside your chest, waiting patiently and worrying constantly – love was never meant to be easy.
Even so, I wouldn't change a damn thing. Even if there were times I could have said or done things different to avoid the pain, I wouldn't dare go back and try. Because it made us who we are, stronger than ever behind the public eye; even if we aren't public, I wouldn't change anything.
Love is funny like that. Accepting the good and the bad. This is our story. I love my bass player – even if no one else knows.