I’m fresh out of the shower and in my bedroom, putting on my pajamas, which consists of a black tank top and a pair of green shorts. I wear underwear underneath because, without it, I feel naked, even with clothes on. I put on some lotion, Secret Wonderland from Bath & Body Works, put my hair up in a ponytail, and start tucking myself into bed for the night.
But just as I started getting comfortable in my bed, I hear a knock from the front door.
“Who the hell could this be at this hour?” I wondered. It couldn’t be Alan, my next door neighbor. He has a play to rehearse for and perform in tomorrow, and I don’t think there’s anything he would need at 11:30pm. I walked to the door and looked through the peep hole.
“Oh. My. God.”
Alan was standing outside my door, rubbing his arms. It must’ve been cold in his apartment, so he probably wants to come over and get warm. As soon as I opened the door, I stepped aside to let Alan walk in. He was always welcome into my apartment, and vice versa.
“What’s wrong?” I said.
“It freezing in my flat,” he said, in his deep, husky voice. “Do you mind if I stay here tonight?”
“No problem, Alan.” My stomach flipped at my response. I was so nervous and, being a big fan of his and knowing how sexy he is, there are many times where I think about all the things I could do to him at any given moment. Whenever I ran into him in the hallway, the first thing that popped into my head is pouncing on him and kissing him right then and there. If I saw him at the local supermarket, I imagined the both of us getting it on in the produce section, no matter who was there and looking.
Somehow, I suddenly got the feeling that something was gonna happen. It sounds dangerous, and to me, it was. And chances are I won’t be the one to initiate whatever would occur.
Alan walked over to the couch and sat down. “This couch is always so warm and comfortable. I would sleep over all the time on this couch if it wasn’t such a burden.”
With the way he looked at me with his deep green eyes, I wanted to kiss him at that moment.
“Lemme go get you some blankets so you’ll be nice and toasty.” I was proud of my hospitality. I briskly walked over to the linen cabinet and grabbed two thick blankets. Running into the living room, blankets in hand, I instructed Alan to lay down on the couch. I opened the blankets, layered them on his long, tall body and tucked him in. “I feel like a child right now,” Alan said with a smile. I instinctively kissed him on the head, and he gave me a look that I interpreted as ‘what was that for?’
“I’m sorry about that,” I said. His fiery green eyes met mine.
“That’s ok. Thank you again.”
“No problem. You’re always welcome here.” I smiled at him, and he returned the favor. I turned off the light, said “Good night,” and walked to my bedroom.
Although I was proud of the fact that I didn’t sexually harass Alan in that moment, I was disappointed that I didn’t ask him to sleep with me in my bed. He would’ve said no anyway, I told myself. He’s a gentleman, and who would I be to ask such a thing?!
I slipped into my bed, hiding underneath my thick sheets and heavy comforter. I craved Alan’s warm body, but my head said ‘that’s never gonna happen, so get your mind back on the right track.’ Can I just say I hate my conscience?
Due to my sexual frustration exhausting my brain, I fell asleep within minutes. But the slumber wouldn’t last long; an hour later, I awoke to an arm wrapped around my waist. The first thought that ran through my head was ‘what the fuck is happening?’ But I told myself that this isn’t so bad. My conscience, although I was still half asleep, was going haywire. “Tell him to go back to the couch!” it said. But, for once, I told my conscience to fuck off. If something was gonna happen, let it happen. Even something as innocent as Alan sneaking into my bed for more warmth was fine with me. And comforting. And made me feel safe.
I touched his hand with my middle finger and it guided itself slowly up his arm. It must’ve tickled him a bit because it woke him up.
“I thought you were asleep. I came in here because I got a bit lonely, although it was much warmer in the living room. You sure you’re not freezing?”
“Not so much with this ginormous comforter,” I said. I was actually glad he came into my room, cause he was like a radiator, steaming with heat. He was lying behind me, both of us lying on our left sides. I looked at the window, then closed my eyes, soon realizing I couldn’t fall asleep. I suddenly felt a yearning for Alan. He was in my bed, and we were both human, so we could do... stuff.
At that moment, Alan’s hand that draped across my waist slowly traveled up towards my left breast, finally cupping it. I couldn’t believe what was happening!!!! That yearning I had got stronger and stronger the more I tried to oppress them. I LOVED the fact that he was touching me at all, but my conscience kicked it and yelled, “TAKE HIS HAND OFF OF YOUR BOOB!!!!” Unfortunately, I was too paralyzed to do much of anything, or even tell him to move his hand. I shifted my body to where I was on my back, and as his body moved to where he was laying on his stomach his right hand moved from my breast back to the left side of my waist. I was relieved yet kind of sad that my poor booby wasn’t getting any more love.
I looked up at the ceiling, and then looked to my right, at Alan’s face. He looked so adorable as he slept. My conscience and my right hand fought over the urge to caress his face, but my hand eventually won the fight. Just as I touched my face, his eyes opened and glared at me. My hand quickly jerked itself away from his face and my head turned back to face the ceiling. I didn’t notice, but his right hand would reside on the left side of my face, his thumb caressing my cheek. I grabbed his wrist gently, but he moved away from me as if to get up and out of the bed. But he wasn’t leaving the bed.
“What are you doing?” I asked as he got under the covers and started rustling around.
“Take off your bottoms.”
“What?’ I was confused.
“Take off... your bottoms.” He hadn’t taken off his shirt, but he did take off his pajama pants. Chances are he wasn’t wearing anything underneath them.
I then started taking off my lime green shorts, along with the underwear I was wearing. After that, Alan then maneuvered himself on top of me. I didn’t want to tell him I was a virgin for fear that he would stop, and I didn’t want him to. As Alan nestled his face into my neck and gently kissed it, he slowly slid inside of me. It was indeed painful, but I didn’t fight it. He couldn’t see the pain in my face, so I grimaced in pain, wincing through every slow thrust. My right hand grabbed the sheets tightly; he didn’t need to know just yet that he was breaking my hymen. After two or three minutes, the pain started to subside, and each thrust became more and more pleasurable.
He panted and whispered, “You’re so beautiful” in my ear; I started calling his name in between my own pants, “Alan, Alan, I love you.” I closed my eyes and let the ecstasy take over, and in that moment, we climaxed together. He collapsed on top of me. My hand slowly caressed the nap of his neck, and I ran my fingers through his hair.
30 minutes later, Alan was on his back and I was back on my left side, my leg draped over him. He stroked my hair gently, and my right arm helped me snuggle him firmly. It was awfully quiet, with the exception of the plows going up and down the main route, salting the street as they went.
“Have you ever done anything like this before?” said Alan. “I mean, been with a much older man?”
“No,” I replied.
“Have you even made love before?” he asked with a bit of fear in his voice.
He sat up in bed and looked down at me. “You mean to tell me tha--”
“You were my first.”
Alan looked away for a moment, then looked back down at me. I couldn’t look at him then for fear I’d end up crying. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say anything?” The fear was evident in his tone.
“Because I was afraid you’d stop, and I didn’t want you to.” I finally looked up at him, and he had a look of pain on his face.
“I... am so... sorry. I should’ve asked beforehand...”
My index finger found itself on his lips, shushing him. “It’s ok. It was going to happen eventually, whether it was you or someone else. Really, it’s ok.” I caressed his face in reassurance.
He closed his eyes, with the same painful look on his face. “You don’t regret this in any way?”
“Not at all. As a matter of fact, I’m glad you were the first.You were very gentle and loving with me, as if you already knew. I know I’m young, and I may sound crazy while I say these things, but... thank you.”
“No, don’t... th-- this shouldn’t have happened.” He sat upright on the edge of the bed and looked out the window at the falling snow. I sat up behind him and, through his arms, wrapped mine around his torso, lightly kissing his neck.
“There’s no need to worry about this. We’re human. We have needs, and there was that moment in time where we, as consenting adults, decided to fulfill those needs.”
“Did I hurt you in any way?” The pain seemed to have spread to his tone of voice. The sound tugged at my heart strings, but whatever I said wouldn’t heal the wound in his heart. “I hurt you, didn’t I?”
“No... it was going to hurt anyway. It’s a hymen, for crying out loud.” That didn’t even make a dent in making him feel better. Now I started feeling bad, as if I betrayed him for not mentioning that a hymen was involved in the first place and that he was the first to explore my body the way he did. He was a milestone, but I don’t think he was ready to be a 25-year-old’s milestone.
I then massaged his shoulders to ease the tension in his muscles, and repeatedly told him not to worry. He slowly came around, and then we laid down once more, staring out the window. Nether of us spoke a word as snow coated the ground outside.