And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
(BoA – Duvet)
Kame is lying rather awkwardly in a bed that isn’t his, eyes closed, his head pillowed on Koki’s lap, one of Nakamaru’s hands gently stroking his hair. He’s still drifting in a place between dream and reality, not quite awake yet, and he isn’t sure he wants to be either.
Nakamaru is kissing Koki over Kame’s head in a way that makes it obvious he’s trying not to disturb him, his hand’s still tangled in Kame’s hair. And Kame can’t help but think that if this was a dream, then he should wake up now, because if he’s here too long, he’s afraid he won’t be able to face reality.
He opens his eyes, but he doesn’t wake up.
“I don’t hate you,”
Kame glances at Yamapi, only to find the other boy watching him – for quite some time already, by the look of him. He doesn’t know what suddenly brings this on, and doesn’t really care either, so he just turns away and shrugs.
The taller boy makes some strange noises of frustration, accompanied by random indescribable hand gestures that Kame doesn’t bother to interpret. “Look, I really, really, don’t hate you, okay?”
“Sure.” He shrugs again. It doesn’t matter anyway.
Yamapi still doesn’t look convinced, but he stops nagging him, and it’s all that counts.
The elevator halts on Yamapi’s floor, and the older boy gets out rather reluctantly. Kame watches him, a blank look on his face as he contemplates Yamapi’s statement.
I don’t hate you, he says. Kame smiles. Really, he’s not fooling anyone.
“But you want to, right?” he says without thinking, and Yamapi’s look of complete disbelief is the last thing Kame sees before the elevator door closes in on him.
Koki is pinning him against the bathroom wall, his lips on his neck, his hands on his hip and the small of his back.
“Somebody’s gonna come,” Kame says mildly.
Koki’s first response is to bite his earlobe and slides off his belt buckle before whispering in a decidedly husky voice, “Let them.”
Kame doesn’t know where this side of Koki came from, because it was definitely not there before – well, before this whole thing started. Or perhaps it’s always been there, only he never noticed. “They will see us.” He states the obvious instead.
Koki pulls his face away slightly from Kame’s shoulder to raise an inquiring eyebrow at him.
“And you care because…?”
Kame thinks about it. He doesn’t know. It’s not like he has a good enough reputation to begin with.
The next moment, Koki’s slipping his tongue down Kame’s throat, kissing him with enough force to make him dizzy and effectively seal away any other words he might say, and Kame can’t bring himself to mind at all.
It’s break time, and it’s his turn to play the errand boy, so he comes down to the cafeteria to get the things the other members ask him to. But when he gets there, he sees Jin sitting with Yamapi and Ryo, the three of them laughing and just generally looking like they’re enjoying themselves.
Kame feels awkward, watching them, like he’s about to intrude on something private even though he knows this is a public establishment, where anybody can go as they pleases. Yet still he finds himself rooted to the ground, unable to move.
A hand suddenly pulls his wrist and drags him away from the place, away from the three of them, and Kame doesn’t resist; he doesn’t try to get away, doesn’t even look up to see who it is that had dragged him away and just lets them lead him anywhere they want.
That’s why he’s surprised that he hears Nakamaru’s voice when this person speaks.
“Really, you should’ve known by now not to buy coffee in that particular cafeteria.” Nakamaru sighs exasperatedly. “Their coffee always gets Junno to be over-excited, and we really, really don’t want Junno to get hyper on us.”
He just nods numbly, forgetting that Nakamaru can’t see it, and then he says, “Okay.”
Nakamaru doesn’t say anything else; he doesn’t even look back at him, but his hand on Kame’s thin wrist is firm and sure as he leads Kame down the street to the next coffee shop, like he knows exactly what he’s doing even when Kame doesn’t. It should feel weird, but it doesn’t, and Kame wants to ask why, but he doesn’t even know where to begin; so he keeps himself from saying anything at all.
Ryo catches him after works at the entrance of the Jimusho building, a set of annoyed frown between his eyes.
“Are you going out with The Baldie and The Big Nose?” he demands none too subtly.
Kame thinks about it. “I don’t know,” he answers truthfully, because it takes much less effort rather than lying through his teeth or dancing his way around the question.
“Huh.” Ryo says, raising en eyebrow at him. “But you’re doing the nasty together right?”
Kame glances at him. “Does it matter to you?”
“Well, no. But I’d like to be well-informed.”
Slowly, the corner of Kame’s mouth quirks up, a spark in his eyes as he looks teasingly – almost suggestively, even – at Ryo, and he leans forward just enough to disturb Ryo’s personal space without really invading it.
Ryo’s eyebrow rises higher into his hairline before his lips forming a shape between a smirk and a sneer. “Don’t even think about it. I don’t even like you.”
Kame blinks innocently. “I never knew we have to like each other in order to do the nasty.”
“…and everybody thinks you’re the responsible one.” Ryo scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back on his heels just slightly – which is as good a rejection as any, so Kame takes a step back and shrugs, stuffing his hands into his jeans pockets while he’s at it.
“Fine. Your loss.”
Ryo scowls. “I am the sexy Osaka man. If there’s someone who loses something here, it would be you, asshole.” He pauses. “Seriously though, are you?”
And he almost laughs at that, because it figures the one time he’s being honest to God, Ryo doesn’t believe him. He considers to lie – because it apparently what Ryo wants him to do – but he’s tired, he’s hungry, and all he wants is to just go home and lie on his bed.
So he turns to Ryo, carefully meeting his eyes, and is about to open his mouth when Ryo beats him to it.
“…Oh God. So you really don’t know.” Ryo exclaims, eyes a little wider, and the way he says it makes it sound more like a curse than anything.
“You really don’t know.” And now he sounds like he’s trying to convince himself that yes, people whose intelligence are beyond idiotic do exist.
Somehow Kame feels like he’s being insulted here.
“What, all you need is look into my eyes to know the truth?” he spits out a little irritatedly, because if not for this, he would’ve been home ages ago. “How romantic. And how unoriginal.”
Ryo’s lips twist into that particular sneer that means he has something over the other person, and he’s going to milk it for all it’s worth.
“At least I’m not the one who is blind.”
Kame is about to ask him what he means by that, but before he has a chance to, the rest of KAT-TUN members appear at the entrance.
“Kame! Been waiting for long?” Junno bounces to him, an excited grin on his face.
But it’s Koki who slings an arm around his shoulders companionably and leads him away, and it’s Nakamaru who falls into step with them so naturally while Junno and Tatchan lagging slightly behind.
Kame wonders if this is what Ryo means.
He glances back, and even from a distance, Ryo’s smug smirk is unmistakable.
Nakamaru is the peacemaker in the group.
Just like when they have an argument or a fight in which they all being stubborn little kids, it would always be Kame who backs down (runs away) first, letting the other have their ways while he bites down his own opinion to shreds, unable to find another way.
But it’s different with Nakamaru.
He’s always managed to get the others (even Jin) to talk the problem over until they reach a solution in which everyone agrees on – something that Kame can rarely do anymore.
Nakamaru is the peacemaker, but he’s not the gentle one.
Unlike Koki, Nakamaru never asks before he pins Kame against any available flat surface, never cares if he holds him too tight, and more often than not he always forgets that Kame bruises too easily. Nakamaru kisses him like he knows he has the right, like he knows Kame will always comply, like he’s sure Kame will never mind it (he won’t, but that’s not the point).
Nakamaru is not the gentle one, and Kame will be lying if he doesn’t say he feels more than a little lost.
He goes clubbing some night, in a place where the rest of the Jimusho will never set a foot even within a mile distance – which must be saying something about his state.
He dances against a random petite brunette girl, his hands around her waist while hers are around his neck. She’s clinging to him in a sort of invitation, her body pressed up so close to his as he kisses his way down her neck in the middle of the packed dance floor. Then he feels another pair of arms snaking their way around his hips, and when he turns his head, he finds a tall, handsome man press up against his back, an offer of two pills visible on his tongue.
He kisses the man as an answer, their tongue dancing for a while before the man lets him lap the pills into his mouth. There’s a giggle resounding somewhere near him; he turns back to the girl and crushes their lips together, lets her in on a meth-flavored kiss before making his way down her neck again, only to see her kissing the man over his shoulder with her fingers clutching the fabric of his shirt so tight Kame can feel the tips of her long manicured nails through it, while the man’s hands slip past his shirt and roaming the skin underneath.
“Should we continue this somewhere else?”
She asks, giggling against his shoulder, while the man presses up even further against Kame’s back and licks his way up from Kame’s spine to his earlobe.
Yeah, we definitely should, Kame thinks, and he’s about to say it when somebody grabs his arm and drags him rather forcefully and painfully from there before shoving him into the passenger seat of a car and driving him away in a speed that must have left the police chasing after them. Koki doesn’t say a word during the drive, and when they arrive at Kame’s apartment, Nakamaru’s already waiting there, a line of worry etched onto his features.
Koki starts speaking in low, angry tone, pacing the room and waving his hands around for emphasis as he does so, while Nakamaru only looks at him and his clubbing attire in what must be resembled sadness and disappointment in his eyes.
So Kame says he’s sorry even though he’s not, asks for forgiveness even though he doesn’t know what his fault is, and begs them to take him back even though he doesn’t even know what he’s talking about.
He tries to make it up, but now Koki won’t touch him, and Nakamaru doesn’t even look at him anymore.
The soft sound of the closed door as they leave is the loudest thing Kame’s heard in months.
He’s having a hangover, and his head is killing him. He presses his hands over his head in an attempt to dull its pain, but of course it doesn’t work. He’s cold, he’s miserable, and he’s alone in a room that suddenly feels too big for him, even though he’s had it for the last two years.
The phone is ringing.
He throws it against the far wall until the satisfying sound of its broken pieces fall to the floor can be heard.
Then he curls into himself, closes his eyes and tries to make himself as small as possible under the protection of his blankets, just like when he was ten, and pretends nothing can get him as long as he’s hidden from the rest of the world.
Neither Koki nor Nakamaru comes around for a week.
By the end of the week, Kame goes back to the club, finds the same guy and continues where they left off – with no interruption this time.
Ran is stretching her body beside him as he’s lying on his back on the carpeted floor of his living room.
He watches her for a while, then he asks, “do you like me?”
Ran looks at him with her big, black eyes, as if contemplating something, before she scoots closer and licks his cheek.
Kame laughs. He wonders if she can actually understand his words. “I mean, do you like, really, really like me?” he repeats, rolling over onto his stomach so he can properly look at her.
Ran licks his nose as response.
Kame sighs. “Of course, it’s not like I ever gave you any other choice, did I?” he says, petting her jaw gently as she leans into his hand. “I mean, you’ve always been with me for years, and we meet practically everyday… so of course you had to like me. After all, you don’t know anyone else other than me, right?”
He rolls into his back, letting Ran hop onto his chest and settle there.
“Bet if you found somebody else, you would immediately leave me.” He continues, staring at those unsuspecting eyes, his hands on either side of her small body. “I mean, they all did, in the end. Leave me, that is.”
He tightens his grip on her slightly, but she barely blinks in response. So innocent. So trusting. Believing without question that her master will never hurt her. His hands drift closer to her neck, inch by inch, and still she doesn’t move; she even actually leans in further to his touch, unaware of the danger that might befall her from that simple move. He holds her gaze, while his hands closing in on her small neck.
It would be so easy to simply snap her neck – too easy.
He tightens his grip.
After a minute in which Ran doesn’t struggle at all (is too confused), he sighs and releases her, his hands fall limply to his sides.
“It hurts, doesn’t it?” he whispers, carefully picks her up and lets her jump into the floor, before he sits straight and leans back on his hands. Even after he tried to off her, she still dares to come around and snuggle with him. “And it still hurts, even after a long time.”
Ran just licks his cheek continuously, and if he doesn’t know better, he would’ve thought that she’s sympathizing with him – which is just plain ridiculous. But he appreciates the gesture all the same, and holds her gently against him.
“I just don’t want to be left behind again.” He confesses to her, closing his eyes.
Ran only nuzzles her head against his neck as a reply.
Kame finds Jin alone in a deserted corridor, and before he could so much as utter a single word out, Kame pushes him into an empty room and kisses him with all he’s worth until Jin’s left gasping for breath.
“Kame. KAME, what are you doing?” Jin yells, eyes wide and sounding more than a little surprised.
Kame thinks it should be obvious. “Kissing you,” he replies, and attempts to do just that again, but Jin’s hands on his shoulders preventing him from doing so.
“WHY?” Jin asks again, voice bordering on panicky edge.
Kame stares at him. “Because you’re already mad at me anyway, so if I make you mad at me more, it wouldn’t matter.” Jin looks at him confusedly, apparently not comprehending. “Besides, you’re pretty.” He adds as an afterthought. “You’ve been told you’re pretty before, haven’t you?”
Jin opens and closes his mouth repeatedly in an imitation of a fish, and the only thing that he manages to choke out is a weak: “…what?”
“Really? None ever told you you’re pretty?” Kame exclaims, genuinely surprised.
Jin makes some indiscernible noises in the back of his throat. “Not that. The one before that, what did you say?”
“What, that you’re mad at me?” He tries to kiss Jin again, or perhaps he tries to get free – he’s not sure which – but Jin doesn’t let him, and then there’s some flailing and struggling and slipping and somehow he ends up on his back with Jin on top of him.
“But Kame, I thought you were the one who was mad at me!” Jin shrieks, eyes all wide, his hands still on Kame’s shoulders, unintentionally pinning him down.
“I was…never mad at you,” with more than a little effort, he manages to roll them around so now Jin’s the one who is on his back, with him on top. “You were the one who suddenly stopped talking to me and acted all funny, so excuse me for assuming you were mad at me.” He pauses, head tilted as something hit him. “Say, did you gain some weight again?”
Jin looks at him, all horrified and indignant. “I’M NOT FAT!” he screams in horror, then he coughs and tries to cover his mouth with his hand. “Yeah, well, I’m not.” He pouts. “And you were the one who snapped at me and said you didn’t want to have anything to do with me ever again!”
Kame stares at Jin. When did he ever…? then he remembers that Jin started acting weird around the time he was shooting that drama, which means… oh God.
“Jin, I was practicing my lines at the time!”
“There weren’t any scripts near you!” Jin sulks. “I mean, I already made sure of that.” He adds a moment later.
“Jin,” he starts in a patient voice usually reserved for petulant, bratty five-year-olds, “I was practicing my lines, not reading them.” He rubs his temple, already feeling a headache coming his way. “I didn’t realize anyone else was in the room, so I’m sorry if you thought I was talking to you; I wasn’t.”
Jin blinks. “Er,” he says.
“Yes, er.” Kame says flippantly. Then he frowns. “Wait a minute, what am I doing? I was supposed to get you angry at me.” He looks accusingly at Jin, and says, “stop distracting me.” And he leans down to kiss him again.
But once again, Jin’s hands on his shoulders prevent him from doing so. Damn Jin’s appetite and his fat-muscle to hell, Kame curses.
“But Kame, why would you do that?” Jin asks, and is it just him, or does Jin’s voice really get noticeably softer?
“Because when you’re really, really mad, you always throw things around and make a commotion.” Kame bites his lower lip.
“And…?” Jin encourages him.
“And – and maybe then Nakamaru will show up and try to calm you down, and. And just maybe – maybe this time he will talk to me again.” He finishes the last bit in a whisper, and he sounds as lost and confused as he feels. He’s looking at Jin, but his eyes aren’t quite meeting Jin, and why is he telling Jin all this again?
Something tastes weird on his tongue; like…coppery?
Jin’s eyes widen, and he’s shaking his shoulders almost violently, making him dizzy. “KAME. KAME, you’re bleeding; KAME!” his hands move to his face, cupping his cheeks, his thumb grazes his lips, and when Kame looks down at it, he sees a drop of blood on Jin’s finger.
He’s bitten his lip.
“I’m okay.” He says before Jin could ask him, wiping the remnant of blood off his mouth and lips.
“Okay.” Jin replied doubtfully. “And we’re also okay?” and now he just sounds hopeful.
“Yeah. Yeah, we’re okay.” He only means it as an off-handed comment, so the truth of that statement when he realizes it surprises him. “We’re okay.” He repeats just to make sure, and it still rings true. “We’re okay.”
“Kame,” Jin says, soft, his hands still on Kame’s cheeks.
“Jin.” Kame says. “Jin. Jin.”
“It’s okay. About Nakamaru and Koki, I mean.”
But it’s not, Kame wants to say. It’s not, and do you even know what you’re talking about?
“Ryo filled me up in what I haven’t already known.” Jin smiles.
Kame stares at him. Did he just say it out loud?
“Kame. Kame, listen to me. Kame.” Jin says his name so many times, like Kame would actually pay more attention and really, really listen to him if he does it. “You’ve got to believe this time it’ll work out, okay?”
“Oh god. You knew. You knew. How long?” he can feels his cheeks heating up uncontrollably, though from anger or shame or something else he’s not quite sure.
“For quite some time already.” Jin replies easily, then adds, “so did Ueda. And Junno. Koki’s not exactly the most discreet person on the planet, you know.”
Kame doesn’t know what to say, so he says nothing. Hell, he doesn’t even know what to think anymore, and Jin seems to realize this, because he brings Kame’s face close to his, their noses almost touching, and says, “You gotta give it a chance.”
Kame laughs, because if he doesn’t he might start doing something stupid like shouting or throwing things or worse, breaking down – in front of Jin.
“Give a chance to what? I don’t even know what’s between me and Koki and Nakamaru!”
Jin pulls him down and puts his arms around him in a reminiscent of an embrace, and Kame just shamelessly clings to him – just like he used to when they were all still fifteen and things weren’t as complicated.
“But you do know – you just don’t acknowledge it.”
Kame closes his eyes. “I’m afraid,” he admits in a voice so soft Jin has to strain his ear to hear it.
“Don’t be.” Jin says. “They’re okay. And you’re also gonna be okay in a minute.”
“Okay.” Kame says, because it’s the only response he could think of.
They lie there in silence, with Kame still on top of Jin, until a thought suddenly seems to hit him.
“You said you were trying to get me angry, right?”
“Then…why kissed me?”
Kame pulls away slightly to give Jin isn’t it obvious? look. “None likes it when their personal space is invaded.”
Jin looks at him incredulously, his mouth gaping like a fish. “You – you… do you even have any idea how wrong that sound? Kissing people to make them angry?”
“I mean, there are simpler ideas to make people angry! Hit them, for one!”
Kame frowns at that. “I never thought of that.”
Jin keeps staring at him like he’s out of his mind, but his hand on his hair is gentle, so Kame will forgive him for that.
Kame corners Nakamaru in their dressing room, and without even giving him a chance to take a breath, he tangles his hands in Nakamaru’s shirt and kisses him with all the confusion and desperation and frustration and fear he’s got. For a few agonizing seconds, Nakamaru doesn’t react; he just stands there and lets Kame do what he wants.
Kame starts to thinks this is a Bad Idea, a heavy feeling on the pit of his stomach, and he tries to pull away. But then Nakamaru seems to get over his initial shock, and now he’s kissing him back in earnest with all of his own pent up emotions, pushing Kame against the desk, and Kame knows he’s been forgiven.
“I still don’t hate you,” Yamapi announces, “and you can’t make me!”
“You should.” Kame says.
“But I still can’t understand you, though.” Yamapi admits, a thoughtful look on his face.
Kame shrugs. “Fair enough.”
Then Yamapi asks him if he’s going to eat his ice cream, and if he isn’t, then can Yamapi have it?
When he opens his eyes, Kame realizes he is lying between Koki and Nakamaru, his head on Koki’s chest while his feet are tangled with Nakamaru’s, and then he just closes his eyes again and goes back to sleep, deciding this isn’t worth mulling over.
Sometimes things just happen.
Hey, at least he’s comfortable.