[The camera pans across the AO3, in panda theme.]
Look around you.
Look. Around. You.
[The camera suddenly switches to a desert island, and rests on the Old Spice Man astride a purple hippo with a zipper for a mouth.]
Have you found what we're looking for?
[The hippo dances, tossing the Old Spice Man upon it to and fro. He manages to look dashingly handsome even while tossed around by a hippo.]
Yes, you've found it! The answer is...
[The frame freezes on the hippo mid-toss. The Old Spice Man turns to the camera and flashes a blinding grin, flexing his impressive pectorals.]
[A hand reaches across a variety of bottles - "Maths," "Music", "Ghosts", etc.]
This program, YULETIDE, is discussed in chapter 42 of your textbook, which accompanies this series.
[The hand grabs a clear bottle filled with purple liquid. There's giant multicolored glitter in the liquid. The bottle is labeled "YULETIDE" with a red label.]
[A male student wearing a private school uniform reaches for a "Look Around You" textbook and flips through it, then opens his copy book and begins writing in it with a pen. There is also a calculator, ruler, and pencil sharpener on his desk.]
Please keep your copy book at hand, as you will be asked to take notes from the screen at various points throughout the program.
[The camera pans across an iceberg. There is a goat atop the iceberg with a Festive Occasion Of Your Choosing hat on, balancing precariously.]
What is Yuletide?
[Cable and Deadpool land suddenly on either side of the goat.]
Yuletide is made up of two parts: YULE and TIDE. Write that down in your copy book.
[Cable looks towards the camera. A yellow box appears above him, with the following text, as read by the narrator. The world YULE flashes over the screen in white, as well.]
Yule is a holiday sometime near the end of the calendar year, celebrated by pretending small fandoms are important. This is demonstrated by panicking over writing randomly assigned fanfiction.
The tides are, well.
[A large wave crashes over the iceberg, and the goat and people on it float away. The shot freezes, and the word TIDE flashes over the scene in white.]
Besides cleansing icebergs this time of year, tides also are useful for carrying waves of flanick.
[The camera zooms in on the tidal wave, to see tiny green bottles floating in it, all labeled 'FLANICK' with red labels.]
Flanick is a unique substance, made up of equal parts flail and panic. Its main purpose is to frustrate writers and others near deadlines and other important dates. The energy generated from a person's flanick is enough to power the Internet for the length of two cute distracting cat videos.
[The scene switches to see an experimenter takes two bottles - one labled FLAIL and the other PANIC. Hie unscrews both then uses both hands to pour them both into a large beaker. The liquid in the beaker flashes in many different colors and starts boiling over. The experimenter breathes in the fumes then begins flailing and running about the test room in pure panic. It is only after the experimenter begins running that the viewer notices wires connected to various parts of the experimenter's body. The camera follows the wires to a large machine labeled "ENERGY STORAGE", which is apparently identical to an Apple II computer.]
Be sure to write down this reaction in your copy-book.
Your first problem is to write a Dear Yulegoat Letter. These letters are vital to ensuring Yuletide goes well. They are considered a sign of good will, to make the season go well.
A good Yuletide letter consists of the following parts. Be sure to write down every criterion in your copy book, and follow each of them fastidiously.
[You see a young woman in a comfortable-looking wood paneled room; she yells out the door, and subtitles tell you she says "No, I don't want to watch TV, Ludmilla! I'm writing my Dear Yuletide letter!" before shutting and lockcing the door. As the criteria are read off, she moves through multiple positions throughout the room - first sitting in the easy chair, then atop a day bed, then perched on the desk, and so on.]
* thousands of words on why your canon is awesome, to garner enthusiasm
* no explaination whatsoever on why you chose it, for your writer should already know
* an essay on why you hate characters who weren't nominated, to be truly detailed on what you desire from your writer
* very detailed, specific prompts all rated exactly at PG-13, to give your writer guidance and help
* no prompts at all, to give your writer maximum creative space
* pictures of cats
* pictures of hippos
* offers of coffee and/or tea
* insistence on taking on the Misses Clause challenge
[The young woman ends up standing on her hands, head down, in a yoga position.]
You have ten minutes to write your letter. Good luck!
In this experiment, we will observe the rituals of the strange creature known only as the hippo.
[A purple stuffed hippo with a zipper for the mouth is displayed on a blue desk.]
As you can see, the hippo at the moment is unable to speak or move. But look!
[The hippo turns hir head suddenly to listen to something the audience cannot hear. Ze nods and hums, as if taking part in a conversation.]
Wait for it...
[The hippo suddenly jumps up and down on the desk, then begins twirling about.]
Write down your observations in your copy book.
[The hippo suddenly unzips the zipper on hir mouth and speaks in a loud, booming voice.]
HIPPO: I am searching for a beta reader for the fandom "Look Around You"! The fic is 1240 words long and very silly and Yuletide-meta! Canon knowledge is not required!
[The hippo re-zippers its zipper and begins writing a note on a nearby sheet of paper. A person offscreen, presumably the narrator, picks up the note and begins to read it, reading out every colon and slash and dot and hash and bar.]
/topic #Yuletide Hippo: Look Around You silly and meta, contact hippo. | http://isityuletideyet.com | yyy works in zzz fandoms | @ao3 http://tiny.cc/yuletide | Yuleletter sheet http://tiny.cc/skl16 | Yulechat Challenge: Icebergs | QOTM: "Quick, someone say something funny and short"
[The hippo continues to dance in complex fashions, akin to bees dancing to display where honey is.]
Be sure to draw the dance steps of the Hippo in your copy book, as well as writing down the full topic of Yuletide Chat at the moment.
[The hippo stops suddenly, balanced on one foot. Ze acts like ze is "listening" again to something the audience cannot hear, nodding and jotting down notes, then unzips the zipper again.]
HIPPO: A beta reader has been found! Thank you!
[The hippo re-zips and sits down, once again looking like a motionless stuffed animal.]
I hope you have learned some good dance moves from our hippo volunteer.
[The male student from the beginning passes his copy book to another person passing across the screen.]
Now hand in your copy books to your teacher or head of class.
[Shift to a pale blue room, where the woman from before is in a lab coat, petting a grizzly bear and looking very pleased with herself.]
In the next program, we will look at bears.