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The One Where Jamia Turned Frank Into a Hedgehog

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So, it was right after they had officially started dating. It had felt like they had been dating forever, because they just knew each other. It was that love at first sight kind of stuff. And anyway, Frank thought they pretty well knew everything about each other. Like he knew when she was smiling when he was on the phone with her, and how she liked to have a cup of tea in the morning before she had coffee, and the pleased noise she made when Frank remembered to unload the dryer. He knew a lot of little things and mostly all of the big things.

Frank had never been so wrong. You would think that it would come up that a girl was a Blue Fairy and had access to all sorts of transformative magics. But no. Frank did not find out until he was mid-argument and Jamia changed him into a hedgehog mid-sentence. Or at least that’s what she said after the world completely shifted and he went from looking at Jamia eye-level to looking up from the floor at her feet.

“A hedgehog,” Jamia declared, crossing her arms over her chest. “That’s your spirit animal? I have fallen in love with a hedgehog. An impossible, ridiculous, adorable little shit and hedgehog.”

Frank promptly squeaked in protest with a lot of general arm and hand gestures that didn’t work too well because his arms were really short and he was kind of terrified because HOLY SHIT his girlfriend has TURNED HIM INTO A HEDGEHOG!!!

“Frank,” Jamia said. She sounded so loud and exasperated to his tiny ears. “Frankie, just calm down.”

“Calm! I am totally calm,” he said, but it really just came out as more concerned and freaked out squeaking as he backed up because she was moving forward and he didn’t think in a million years that she’d actually step on him or scoop him up or change him into something else, but he just wasn’t gonna take any chances.

Right on cue, she swooped down to pick him up and he scampered under the couch to safety.

“No! Fuck you trying to pick me up!” Frank ruffled his spines. And that felt weird. Kind of nice. But weird. Right, he was still furious. He was pretty sure, be it a terrified fury.

“Frankie,” Jamia cooed. “Come out from under there babe.” Her voice went up an octave, riding that fine edge of sounding endearing and taking the piss out of him then dropping back to normal. “I get it. You are a badass hedgehog. For realz. Your fury is unprecedented. I can feel your wrath and am completely terrified and put in my place.”

Frank shook himself again, poofing up a little to express how much he did not want to leave the safety of his hiding spot even if that spider web looked absolutely massive. His eyes darted around for spiders. Wouldn’t that just be insult to injury? But maybe hedgehogs ate spiders. He thought he’d read that. But would that be considered meat? He seriously didn’t know.

“Frankie.” Jamia’s voice was soft. She sat near the couch with her palm up, resting on the floor, waiting for Frank to walk onto it. “C’mon. I’m sorry babe. Let me explain.”

Right. Frank had other things to worry about, besides spiders. He ruffled his spines again and went back to squeaking angrily, slowly shuffling out to Jamia’s fingers. He paused with a paw on her pointer finger.

“Frankie,” she said, voice conflicted and a little sad. He stepped onto her palm, complaining more for good measure, while trying to give a reassuring squeeze with his paws, because it didn’t matter that he was currently a hedgehog. If his girl was sad, he’d try to fix it.

“So I have a lot of explaining to do and I need to change you back,” Jamia said.

Frank gave a sneeze of approval. Fuck yes. Change him back. That way they can finish their argument like two people with thumbs, have the post argument sex and then let her explain this changing him into a small adorable animal business.

BEHOLD! Bonus not!fic!

Gerard and Mikey are meerkats, much to Gerard’s dismay. Because, according to him, he’s totally a gazelle. Totally. Which he tried to argue whilst turned into said meerkat, where he gestured and fell over a lot. Mikey, however, was the most prim and together meerkat ever, even when he tackled Gerard to get him to calm down and stop being such a twitchy fuck.

But Lyn-Z was a gazelle so maybe Gerard had to admit that maybe it was okay because at least someone was a gazelle and he did marry her and she’s awesome, gazelle or not. Alicia was a minx. Mikey was a lucky sweet little dude.

Ray was a sloth. You know kind of badass but snuggly. Totally snuggly. Unreal the levels of snuggly. Did Frank mention adorable? Totally ADORBS.

Dewees was a fox, which said a lot about him really. Dude’s got game. And he’s far too clever, sometimes even for his own good if getting his head stuck in the stair rails at Frank’s house was any indication.

Bob was a wolf even before he got turned into one. It probably had something to do with how he’s kinda a Viking. Or from Chicago. It was a tossup really. That Midwest stuff was just shit you didn’t mess with.

Pete was never the same animal twice. Frank doesn’t know if that was due to depression or the fact that Pete wasn’t exactly human, not that Frank’s been able to figure out what Pete actually was. Probably both. But he seemed to prefer a wolf pup that was prone to adorable snarling or a hawk more often than not.

Patrick was a peacock. Everyone was a little surprised until they thought about it.

Jon Walker was the most Zen snuggly calico cat ever. Totally into naps and purring loudly and being a reassuring presence on one’s lap, or shoulders, or whatever warm nook he could find. He even totally tricked Bob into napping on the full moon one time all curled up near the fire, paw resting on Bob’s muzzle.

Ryan was a ram. A baby ram. Whose horns were kind of adorable, but Frank was still glad he was good at climbing quickly. Frank was a leaping ninja, seriously and decided it was better to coo at baby rams from a higher elevation especially if they looked pissy about the whole thing.

Brendon was a golden retriever before he got turned into a werewolf. One that won Jamia over immediately. Kid’s adorable. Fur or not. And easily distracted, especially by squeaky toys and playing chase with Frank’s dogs and letting Cherry and Lily climb all over him.

Jamia’s magic doesn’t work on Spencer or he’s just so self-assured that he refuses to let it work on him. Frank just might be jealous of that a little. Or maybe Jamia wasn’t actually trying when Brendon asked her to, through some sort of magical respect thing.

Gabe Saporta always magically disappeared anytime Jamia was truly angry with him and Frank can’t figure out if that was a willing leaving on Gabe’s part or Jamia bamfs him off to somewhere else. He wouldn’t put anything past her. His girl was amazing.

Charlie Crews was indeed Norwegian short hair rabbit. Fifteen pounds of pure bunny. He hadn’t been kidding about that.

Ted Earley was a Scottish Terrier. You know. Something a little bit twitchy and long-suffering but lovable.