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==> Gamzee: Take care of your moirail

It's only a matter of time now. You can tell by the way he grinds his teeth together in frustration and growls at the screen. One of the humans, probably John, must be annoying him again.

You can almost taste his frustration. Your fingers itch to hold him, but you know what's going to happen if you do it in public. You try to anyway.

“Hey motherfucking best friend.” you say and casually sling your arms around his shoulders and rest your chin between his nubby horns. You can feel him relax and lean back against you before he tenses.

“Gamzee, what the fuck?” he curses. “I'm not your fucking pillow. What's going on in your messed-up think pan now?”

“Let's get our jam on.” you suggest and he growls, but allows you to drag him from the room. Sollux watches you, but doesn't say anything. If the others ever noticed anything off with Karkat before they never mention it anyway. Taking care of him is your job now, just as he's taking care of you.

The minute your out of sight he latches onto you, almost knocking you off balance. You smile and shift so that you can pick him up. He immediately wraps his legs around your waist and presses his face against your neck, inhaling deeply.

He's murmuring something you can't really understand and you doubt that it's of any importance, just curses and broken half-sentences. You shift him carefully when you reach your quarters so you can open the door without having to put him to the ground. Not like he would let go of you know anyway. He's like one of those strange beasts from the human's planet, that Karkat has shown him, the ones clinging to trees. Koala, was it? Fluffy little motherfuckers just chilling in their trees. For a moment your mind conjures the image of Karkat clinging to a tree and staring down at you while chewing on some leaves. The image makes you chuckle and Karkat growls in response. He has no idea what you're laughing about, but he knows that you've drifted off.

You drop down on your pile and drag Karkat along with you. He shifts against you and lies by your side, his face still pressed against your neck. Your hands move to the back of his head and draw him close. He leans forward and kisses your nose. The feeling makes your nose itch and you wiggle it to make the feeling go away. A small, heartfelt smile graces your moirail's face. It's something rare, something you cherish. Something only for you.

Often the two of you sneak away on the pretense of a feeling jam. You acting like you're in need of a talk, of being calmed down; he acting like he's doing what's necessary. In truth the feeling jams are less about talk and more about cuddling.

“So, wanna talk about it?” you ask, knowing that you will not get an answer yet.

As expected he growls in response and swats your nose. Actually swats your nose like a motherfucking pawbeast. Now you know that something is definitely wrong with Karkat.

You shift until you lay on top of him and pepper his neck and cheeks with kisses. Slowly, very slowly you can feel him relax and losely wraps his arms around your shoulders. His chest is rumbling with surpressed emotions. His stress so real that it feels like his body is vibrating with it.

It takes a lot of hugs, kisses and reassurances to get Karkat to tell you what's wrong.

It takes even more hugs and kisses to calm Karkat down.

 

===> Sollux: Be observant

You are not blind to what's going on. Well, physically you are, but you know Karkat; know that he is so much more than he appears to be. You know that he is barely holding on. It is not your place to intervene and take care of him. It could have been, if both of you had tried, but your heart still belongs to Aradia and he was always meant for someone else.

So you wait and observe. You might not be able to see, but you can still smell, hear, taste and feel. Your senses are still intact. You are still alive.

If you listen closely you can hear his heart beating to them rhythm that is uniquely his, smell the cherry scent of his skin and taste his burning anger on your tongue. You can feel him all around you. His warmth enveloping you and making you feel safe. But there's something underneath his warmth. Something cold and broken. You'd never admit it, but it scares you how fragile your leader and friend is beneath his mask made out of rage and threats.

All of you have suffered. You lost your home, lost your friends, your most important person. All of you are in pain. And yet it is his pain you can barely bear. He is your leader. He is the strong one. He is what holds you together. He is what holds Gamzee together. He is what holds you together, keeps the voices at bay, takes care of your headaches and makes sure that you are fed and rested.You can't bear to think of what would happen if Karkat were to disappear.

But you don't know if Karkat is going to last without Gamzee either. They are so wrapped around each other that you can barely tell who's who. Almost like they are one person.

While you're not dumb, in fact, you're a genius, it took you a while to understand what's going on. They've become so dependent on each other that you begin to wonder what happens between them; what happens when they are alone. So one time you decide to follow.

It is nothing short of a miracle that they don't notice you. You are nowhere near as able to wander around alone as Terezi is but you manage.

Despite the lack of eyesight you can tell what's going on. You don't need to be a genius, even if you are, to figure it out. You can hear Gamzee's low voice soothing Karkat, something you have never heard before. His voice feels nice and calm, almost as if you can physically touch it. Karkat hums in response and you hear the rustling of clothes and shifting of bodies. Karkat's warmth is mingeling with Gamzee's cool presence. You can taste the kisses they exchange, sweet and relaxing. While you are not part of what they share, being present is enough to overwhelm you with a sense of calmness and safety, that you won't be hurt as long as they are near.

Then the purring starts. It's the oddest and most endearing sound you have ever heard, and you are convinced that Karkat is the one making those cute sounds. It would be fun to tease him with it, but you cannot do this. You intruded on their private moment. You have no right to tease him with your knowledge, and somehow, you don't really feel the desire to do so.

You miss what you and Aradia had and the slightest glimpse of their relationship is enough to make you feel better. You would never admit it, but you only want to protect what those two have.

They won't have to suffer the loss and guilt you felt at killing your own moirail.

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===> Karkat: Be exhausted

Everything is driving you nuts today, John’s dumb questions and pranks, Terezi licking you, Kanaya smothering you, and Sollux mocking you. The only person, who has yet to annoy you, is your moirail. He can be such a fucking nuisance with his innecessary need for cuddling and his attention span of a finbeast, or so you would like to claim.

The truth is that you would fall apart without him. How you managed to hang on so far without Gamzee, you don’t know. It must have been one of his motherfucking miracles.

He’s staring of into space as you look at him, but you know that it’s just on the outside. The truth is that Gamzee is aware of everything going on around him. He knows what you need and what you desire. Things you would never dare to say out loud. You had never expected the clown to understand you so well, yet he does. Troll serendipity is a true miracle.

You can tell that it’s going to be one of these days again. Where Gamzee curls around you like he’s your lusus, and pets your hair, humming some kind of lullaby. You would like to say that Gamzee has an amazing voice, but the truth is that his singing voice is as raspy as sandpaper. But another truth is that you want no one else to sing to you like that. Even if he sings horribly off-key, and often sounds close to dying, you enjoy those moments more than anything else.

You want nothing more than to curl up with him right now. Your head is pounding, and dark spots are dancing in your vision, but you need to have this conversation with John. He will not listen to you, but you try to help him regardless. Why you do it, you don’t know. But you don’t want your former blackcrush hurt. He is in none of your quadrants, yet you still worry.

You fear that you have caught the human disease called friendship.

Your head starts pounding even more and your starting to feel lightheaded. You can feel Gamzee’s stare burning into the back of your skull, but you’re not going to turn around just yet. You’re not going to give in yet. You have things to do first.
Strong arms wrap around you and Gamzee rests his chin on your head. For a moment you relax and relish the heat and comfort he offers, but now is not the time and you’re about to tell him so. But when you move to stand up and shove him away, though you’re sure that everyone has figured out by now that it’s more for the show than anything else, the world starts spinning.

He holds you securely in his arms and you can hear the inquiring noise Kanaya makes. Gamzee says something, yet you can’t make out the words. Everything feels far away now. You are aware of Gamzee leading you out of the room and to his respite block.
You barely remember lying down on Gamzee’s pile, with Gamzee wrapping himself all around you like you’re going to slip away the second he lets go. It’s a nice feeling. Being kept safe. If you weren’t the leader, you could get used to it. But it’s your duty to keep everyone safe and not the other way around. Though Gamzee seems to have trouble grasping that concept.

And honestly, you want to feel safe sometimes, want to be protected. You feel like a wiggler for admitting that, even if it’s only in your head. You know that Gamzee wouldn’t mind, if you showed him your weakness. He’d be his stupid stoned self and simply take care of you. He’d fulfill your every wish. You’d do the same for him.
Your eyelids are starting to feel heavy, and you’re close to falling asleep, only that you can’t. Gamzee is there though. Murmuring promises of protecting, and humming off-key lullabies. Even if you can’t sleep, he will help you relax.

You don’t know what happened, but when you wake up your body feels heavy and you’re very, very cold. You don’t remember falling asleep, but you couldn’t have fallen asleep. There were no horrorterrors or dream bubbles or anything at all.

A hand is brushing your forehead and you can make out Kanaya, though your vision is blurry and your eyes are tearing up. She’s talking to you, but you don’t understand a word she’s saying.

You see a shape out of the corner of your eyes, and you realize that Terezi is sitting next to you, staring at you with a hint of worry etched into her features.
Sollux is sitting next to her. He’s not saying anything or even looking at you. He looks strangely guilty. While Kanaya is busy trying to turn your attention back to her, you figure out that she is trying to hide something from you.

Then it hits you.

Gamzee is not here.

 

===> Gamzee: Be the motherfucking hero
You are so motherfucking stupid, you can’t believe it. How did you not notice your moirail teetering on the edge of a mental and physical breakdown? Okay, so you prevented him from having a mental breakdown, sure. But that didn’t stop his body from collapsing when your best friend finally relaxed.

It had been a scary experience. You had snuggled up to Karkat and pulled him into your arms, humming while stroking his hair. You had been so relaxed himself that it took you a while to notice the sudden spike in Karkat’s temperature. Your moirail always feels like a bottle of warm water, but at that time he had felt more like lava in a bottle instead. Of course you had tried to wake him up first, but when he didn’t, you went to search for Kanaya. Kanaya was the best sister to go to when it came to health stuff. You yourself only knew basic things, like using cold wrappings to keep the temperature down, drink some leaf concoction when a cold was coming up, and stuff like that.
You regret that you never bothered to learn more about taking care of a sick person. You vow that you will learn more about healing when you get back.

Kanaya had been reasonably calm in the beginning, and the both of you had tried to get the fever under control. It had only been a matter of time before Terezi and Sollux found out what was going on and joined you in your caretaking. Somehow, despite all your efforts, the fever decided to spite you all and spike even higher.
At this point you were ready to do pretty much everything. When none of Kanaya’s healing techniques worked, nor the ones you found while going through Karkat’s notes, you decided that drastic times called for drastic measures. You called the humans.

Of course it had been the seer, who had offered useful advice and help. Telling you about some herb on one of their planets that might help to lower the fever. The Jade human had volunteered to use her powers to transport you there, while Strider had cracked jokes about Sleeping Beauty and damsels in distress. You have no idea what he meant by that, but you figured that your story sounded like a motherfucking clichée. Which it did, still does. After all, you haven’t found the herb yet.
The others wanted to go with you, but you told them to stay and watch Karkat. Sollux still isn’t used to his blindness, Kanaya is needed by Karkat’s side, and, while you were impressed by your blind sister’s battle skills, Terezi should be with Karkat, should things take a drastic turn.

You feel like one of the motherfucking heros in Karkat’s beloved romcoms. Or maybe like you are in some weirdass RPG – which would be motherfucking awesome, a game inside a game –, and travelling around to search for the cure to help the princess, who has fallen deathly ill – you guess that Strider’s jokes had been pretty accurate for someone, who had so little respect of other religions and stuff. Only it’s no princess you’re planning on saving, but your very own moirail, whom you should have looked after better, whom you should have protected better. You know how stubborn he is, and yet you never paused to think that maybe, just maybe, even with all your care, he might collapse.

So here you are, on some unknown planet, looking for a herb that might save your friends life. Maybe it wouldn’t, maybe Karkat would recover on his own, but you’d be damned before you sat there and dwindled thumbs while your moirail suffered. You will find this cure, and according to the seer’s map it’s not much further. So far you have faced a lot of monsters, that tried to stand in your way, and beaten them all, but she warned you that the strongest was still waiting for you.

You are prepared to fight everyone and everything in your way, even if it was Bec Noir himself. You are going to get this herb, no matter what.

And you do.

It’s a gruesome battle in hindsight. Your leg got hurt pretty badly, but at that time you hadn’t even noticed. You had been so set on winning that you tore your enemy limb from limb, and you would have kept slaughtering every monster in vicinity had it not been for Karkat’s voice in your head, telling you to chill the fuck out.
You return home with the herb, and feel like a motherfucking champion. You kicked ass, found the cure, and made it back in time. All you want to do now is wait for your best bro to wake up and curl up with him, just enjoy his presence.

Kanaya takes care of the herb, and Terezi leads you to the respite block you keep Karkat in. She cleans your wound, as gently as possible, and bandages your leg. You’re not watching her, but focused on the person in the bed next to yours. She tells you that Karkat woke up while you were gone and freaked out. Sollux had needed to hold him down with his psychonics, so he would not harm himself or anyone else by accident.

Your bloodpusher does an odd little jump at the thought of your moirail waking up, panicked and out of it, while you were gone. Unable to take care of him.
You want to crawl over into Karkat’s bed and hold him until he wakes up, but Terezi is already pushing you down on the bed your currently sitting on, telling you to get some rest.

You want to protest, but your body feels so heavy. You twist around, so you can look at your moirail. You can see Kanaya walking up to him, smell the herbal concoction. You want to wait until he wakes up, but before you know it, you fall asleep.

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==> Karkat: Wake up

When you wake up your precious moirail is wrapped all around you. You can't really remember what happened. The last thing you do remember is waking up with your moirail gone. And you lashed out at the others, freaked out, and tried to get away. Tried to get to your moirail. Sollux had to use his psyonics to hold you down.

You feel your ears heat up at the memory of your very un-leaderlike behavior. You know that Sollux and Terezi will tease you mercilessly once you have completely recovered. For now you are safe, able to claim temporary insanity caused by sickness.

You bury your head in the crook of Gamzee's neck, inhaling his scent. You intend to ask him what the fuck happened and where he went, once he is awake, but for now you are content. He is back, he is safe and sound. That will have to do for now.

Though you feel bandages around his leg, and he will have some explaining to do. Especially where he was when you needed him.

==> Gamzee: Wake up

Nubby little horns push against your chin, and you grumble, shifting closer to the bundle in your arms. You hear a low, irritated growl, and supress a chuckle. No one, but your moirail would growl when he is relieved. You take a deep breath and open your eyes.

Karkat moves so he can look into your eyes, and you see a hundred questions in them. He is so worried that you can almost hear his thoughts. You'd never dare to use your chucklevoodoo on your moirail, but for a moment you are tempted to use it to calm him down. Instead of doing so you hug him close, and pepper his face with little kisses.

You tread your fingers through his hair, and continue to shower him with kisses, until he calms down. Once he is relaxed you quietly tell him what happened, how scared you were of losing him. Of course he tells you that there is no way in that human place called hell that he'd die of something like that, but you saw how badly he was doing. He has no idea how close you were to losing him.

==> Karkat: Angst again.

You don't know if you should believe Gamzee's story of how he went to a different planet to find the cure for your disease. It's Gamzee, so maybe it's just sopor-induced exaggeration, but the look in his eyes screams that it's the truth.

Relief floods through your system when you realize that – even though his story is true, and he got injured in the process – you are both okay. What warms your heart even more is the simple fact that your moirail went so far to save you.

You know you would do the same for him, but deep inside your heart you always doubted that someone would risk his own life to save yours, even if the person was your moirail. Your distrust and fear are so deeply ingrained in your mind that not once you stopped to consider that you actually are that precious to another troll.

You pity Gamzee more than anything in the world, no, the universe. You are so pale for him that it almost physically hurts. But the distrust you grew up with stuck to you like a leech, draining you of your happiness, and you never noticed. Your moiraillegiance slowly erased your distrust, but a tiny part of you kept thinking that you'd lose him, since you were not worthy of being his moirail.

But here he is. He defied all odds. He saved your life. Your short, mutant life.

He paps you gently on the cheek. He doesn't need to be a mindreader to know what your thinking. He knows you that well.

==> Gamzee: Calm your bro down

Your nubby-horned miracle is beating himself up again. No need to be a psychic to see that. He is so motherfucking torn up about a small part of him distrusting you, that it almost crushes your diamond.

You always knew that it was there. The distrust. But you also knew that he would get over it. That he would realize that you are so motherfucking pale for him that you'd rip your own heart out before you betrayed him.

You kiss him again. Softly, on his forehead, and inhale deeply. He smells of cherries and something that is uniquely Karkat. It fills you with warmth and makes the voices, the hurt, the craving for sopor, go away. You don't think you can be without him. You'd risk your life over and over again, just to keep your very own, nubby-horned, foul-mouthed, little miracle safe.

He sighs and relaxes, snuggling close to you. You smile, and bury your head in his unruly hair. Slowly your eyes fall shut and you relax, enjoying his presence.

==> Sollux: Be the stalker

You shouldn't be watching them. But you wanted to make sure that they are both alright.

Seeing them snuggled close and happy, makes your heart ache and long for Aradia. You couldn't protect her, but you are set on protecting the two trolls on the bed.

You are not part of their relationship, never will be, but they are happy. You will ensure that they remain that way.