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The Hammer Is My Penis

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Thor had been concerned by Tony Stark's fascination with his hammer for a while. There had been more than a couple nights where he awoke early to discover the man in his bedroom, hovering around Mjolnir with an array of his machinery. He'd been foolish enough to once ask what Tony was doing and had received an earful about energy and something about ionic bondage before interrupting the man to demand he leave his sleeping quarters at once.

The man clearly had some kind of devious intentions for Mjolnir. Thor continued to protect his hammer's innocence, chasing Tony from his room whenever he caught him, though this did not keep him from coming back time and time again. Thor knew something had to be done - after all, it was possible there were times when he'd simply slept through the man's assault on Mjolnir.

Thor decided the best course of action would simply be to bring his hammer to bed with him. As he settled himself into his bed that evening, Mjolnir was heavy beside him, and strangely comforting. He resisted the urge to cuddle with his hammer as he drifted off to sleep.

However, his sleep was not uninterrupted. His eyes opened at the sudden shift of motion on his bed. The crotch of Tony Stark's pants was in his face.

"What are you doing?" Thor demanded, outraged and sitting up, lifting Mjolnir.

"Whoa, sorry, couldn't sleep, running some more tests - usually you're a deep sleeper, I didn't think I'd wake you," Tony explained with his palms up, still kneeling at the head of his bed. Thor glanced a look at the tools he'd brought with him this time - strange silver things, some with blinking lights the same color as the device Stark had in his chest, and a tube of something. As Thor shifted his grip on his hammer, he realized part of Mjolnir's handle was coated in something.

"What is this?" Thor asked, switching his grip and holding up his other hand where the clear substance had rubbed off onto.

"Petroleum jelly."

Thor's eyes darkened. He'd been right. Iron Man lusted for his hammer. He advanced towards him with Mjolnir raised.

"I was just trying to test whether the handle was effected by the same enchantment! The hydrocarbons in petrolium made it easiest to test without bothering you!"

Stark scrambled off the bed.

"See, so if I could just take a reading of how the hydrocarbons reacted, I thought I'd be able to figure it out since even magic should have to adhere to the laws of science, the enchantment would effect two different elements in two different ways-"

Stark nearly tripped over the edge of a rug as he tried to walk backwards, away from Thor.

"And I haven't been able to make anything of the alloy of the hammer itself, but I thought maybe there'd be some breakthrough with the handle's reaction to a moisturizing semi-solid with high carbon numbers."

Stark's back hit a wall.

"I am not deceived by your lies. You come in here night after night, using this science I do not understand as a cover, fondling Mjolnir while I sleep, and then tonight I discover you in my bed."

"I - what?"

"Do you not desire my hammer?"

"For science."

Thor softened and lowered his weapon. This poor man. So full of lust for Mjolnir and unable to admit it.

"You need help, my friend."

"Thor, listen, this is some kind of cultural misunderstanding because I really want nothing to do with your hammer."

"But you come to my room night after night."

"Because you go to bed as early as Steve! And you won't leave the hammer at my work station over night!"

It was true. There'd be no way to know what the depraved human would do to Mjolnir if he was all alone. He had heard enough stories about Stark's sexual conquests and would not allow Mjolnir to be added to the list. A light bulb went off in Thor's head.

"What if I were to offer you an exchange?" Thor asked.

"Exchange for what?"

"If you leave Mjolnir alone, you may have me instead."

There was a pause and Thor watched as the expression in Stark's dark eyes slowly changed and felt a sense of deja-vu.

"Have you."

"For science," Thor agreed. Humans had the strangest expressions for sex.

"Run tests on you instead."

"So long as you never touch Mjolnir again."

"I'll need you to be naked to get the most accurate results," he told him, and Thor rid himself of his clothing almost instantly. Stark's eyes widened as he stared at his exposed cock.

"Holy fuck."

And then Tony Stark fell to his knees.