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NO HONO, A sugoi JOHNDAVE/JOHNKAT YAOI FANFICTIOn, some other stuff happesn too, (Cameo apperence by Snoop dogg)

Chapter Text

You are KARTKAT VANTAS, and you reALLY ENJOY JOHN EGBERST HOT ASS. He's is walking around out of his bakery shop his dad owns, like dang werk it gurl werk that ass Then he cums up to you and says, "hi Karkat!"!! then you says, "hELLO FUCKASS. HOWS IT HANGING, HOMO." "Karkat!!!!!!!!! im not a homosexula!!!" Then you says to him, 'WHY SIS THAT EVEN A THING?" john: "wlel. .. i donno! it just is. hey wanna watch con air with me?"
"GOD DAMN IT EGBERT, DO YOU LIKE ANY GOD FORSAKEN HUMAN MOVIES OTHER THAN CON AIR?FUCKASS"
'nope!!! according to the fandom i dont!! "
You look at him at confusing, what tht hell is afANDOM.
You get very distracted by johns hot throbbing elbows, like does he even notice how horn-y you are right now from the sight of his elbowas? You gently rub your cock through your pockets as you drift of into yaoi fantasys, but he snaps you alive with the sound of his beautiful face
"oh!... karkat......... so do you wanna come over and watch con air? blah blah blah nic cage? and it'll be totally heterosexual! i only have one bed, though.... so yaoi'll have to share with me!!"
You contemplate this for amoment or two, Pros: Dang you get to sleep next to Egbart, cons: FUCKING NICOLAS CAGE,,,,
You settle on coming. "OKAY, EGNERT, I'LL HUMER YOU. ILL COME TO YOU'RE STUPID CON AIR PARTY. " You say, hoping he hears the disgruntledness in your voice. If only he knew how dreamy you thought he was... sigh.....

~~~*~*

Thet following night, u Go to johns house and you knock on the door and he Bursts open TheDoor and then says "hi karkat!!!" And Hug's you and it makes you feel relaly horny inside. You push him off and say, "WHATEVER, JOHN. ARE YOU READY TO WATCH THIS PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE?"
"heck yes i am!!!"(his father doesnt let him sware) Then He jumps into his home and closes the door. You come to the realization that John is as hot as ever, dang, werk that ass girl, And yor thirsting for him. Like dang, u could Sure go for a nice drink of Egbert right now. Dang.

He plumpts down onto the bed in his room and turns on the dvd. Hes sitting on the bed in his Ghost buttster pAjamas, and wwo you can olmost see his //PEINIS.// Like shit dog its' like almost hanging out and stuff. by that you mean,, taht his pants are hanging off his hips. You want to tell him to wear a belt but you dont want to cus then you won't get to see his Pink Mutantp Penis.

JOhn goes, 'kAAAAAAAAAAAAAARkat please sit on me -- i mean next to me. '' He looks at you with puppy dogg eyes, How Could You rResists? You sit next to himand grumble fukass Because you are Karkat. Then the movies stars and you have popcarn in his lap and you grab from the bowl wiitch is so extremely close to his Peinis. Dang ur getting all horny inside again. OK, so then the movies on and its really boring and You're sittin next to your homeboy John Ogbert and then hes ......... SNORING???? Then hes on you r shoulder and damn you tear up because its so damn kawaii. But you dont say that bccause men dont cry. DUh. You promptly fall asleep with your hand in the popcorn bowal.

~~~*~!*
Intermisttion

 

Snoop dogg carefully awaits his lover in his 5 story Mansion made entirely out of hoes and gold and $$Bling$$.
Geromy rings de doorbell. "Knkock Knokc" Sayd the geromy.
Snoop dogg answers the doorbell. He's is wearing only a gold rubber thong and a fur coat.
"Dayum," Says geromy.
Snoop dog says:"Get in here, you nasty trash fool." The snoop dogg winks.
Geromy smiles in his yellow fotty pjs and den follows him into the Snoop Dogg hosue. 'Got any nanchoes?" He seys.
Snoop dog then goes, "What the hizzat did ju say?"
"Do u have any nanchos?" Said the geromy.
snoop dogg looks angerily at the geremy. his heart is getting fier. and there mad. mostly snoop dog, hes really mad.
"Dont get up in my face unless u tryin a fuck, "snoop dog.
"I am just tryin to be kinky Doggy"geromy.
"Well then *unzips rubber thong*Lets get freaky and down on the floor gurl"
"Oh yes snop dog!"
Then they fuck violently on the flor.

Then Hella jeff walks in. 'GEROMY!' He says. "U KNOW U ARE ONLY SEX TO ME, "he grimaces. kinda like roneld mcdoneld grimace u knw that grimce?
Then The Geromy says, "H.. Hella jeff! No! It's not waht you thikn! It is only a ruse! A distaction!"
Hella jeffL:DONT............. even try, geromy. I DONT CARE FOR U AWAYMORE..............."
Tears develop in geromys eyes "NO JEFF U DONT UNDERSNAND!" snoop dog says "Whut de hell is dis i just wanna piece of dat black ass"
Helle jeff walks without looking cus hes got tears into his eyes. Then he promply falls down the staiers.
Geromy runs down stairs naked to pick up da pieces. "NO..sf.......g HELLA JEFF! I ment 2 say I luv u five-ever..........."
hella jeff quietly whispers, "gero..m..y.... it...keeps... hapening..........."
Geromy: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

END INTERMISSION 1.

top be conct tinued.

Chapter Text

Your name is DAVE STRIDER and you are gonbe chillin with JOHN EGBERT.hE doesnt know how HOT u think he is. But u aint homo. bc homos are gross, as mentiond in every other fic about u. No homo, of corse. 1
So u call up Johm, on ur fone, and den he sasy "hay dave whats! up!!" than you say, "ntohin much sup ebgert i cant conceal my homoerotic feelings for you you need to come over at my house right now."
john: "Oh your so funny dafe!!! that funny joke right there, im not a homosexual. but karats at my house right now!!"
U almost drop dthe phone. "what"
"oh yeah,, i invivited him over for con air!!! now hes kinda sleeping on me, heh............"
u anser, "wow gross, tell him that ur only sex to me ok?"
"heheh!!! ok dave!!! so when karkats gone do u wanna come over and do me?"
"wat"
"yeah i mean do me in a totally heterosexual way!!"
"oh yeah im down with that thats chill egbert."
"okay!!! see u at 7!! brig a condom to put in my butt, no homo"
u hang up the fone. Is he tryin a get wit chu? He bettert not be bc ur the man in thes relationshop and U make all the moves, homie.Like ur great uncle Snoop Dogg, he makes all the moves with ALL de honeys. Dang, u love him so much sometimes u wanna just sit there and hug him and kiss him while he sings sweet seranades to u.
But only... in ur dreems... sigh...
~~~
youre name is kARKAT VANTES and ur oh shit you are ON top of jhns pENIS okay okay calm down karkat ur just on his wiener just shh calm down its ok ITS OK HE DOESNT THINK UR HOMO
"hey buddy!!" he says wit a smile.
u grumble at him and u say "fuck ass," because u are karkat.
"hooh1!H1 ur so funny karkat. good mourning!!"
"HEY FUCK ASS. HOWS U SLEEP. FUCK ASS?"
"oh it was a little uncomfortable when u leanign all ur face all over my hot penis, but its ok............"
You suddenly erection, then u say sorry because u didnt mean to. He ses to u, "Hey so!!! !karkat!!! daves comin over todey, wanna hang out wit us too??"
GOG DAMN IT DAVE STTIRDER? U HATE THAT FUCKASS,ALWAYS MACKIN ON ALL YOUR HOSE. HE REALLY IN LOVES WITH JOHN AND U KNOW IT BUT HES REALLY THINKGS HES NOT HOMO WHEN HES HOMO FOR JOHN. UR JOHN. THE JOHN YOU WOULD LIKE TO MARRY AND HAVE GRUBS WITH ETC ETC.dave wants to steal ur man. u hate that guy.

"FUCK NO, JOHN. I HATE THAT STUPID CARAPCARICE OF ROTTING FUCKASS DOUCHEBAG. HES DUMb." You scooff. john looks kind of sad, but then he gets back to his usual smliing. "ok! thats ok, you prbobably have other stuff to do anyways," you glare at him, because u are carkat,"so do you want some breakfast, sweety poo?" he says funnly wow fuNNY JOKEK ther e bro.
"NO THANKS, ID RATHER NOT FEAST ON HUMAN SLURM GUT POO. I HAVE TO GET GONING NOW."
"haha ok karkat!!! see ya!!!"
You leave his house feeling sextremely dejected cus u just touched his penis with ur face. For eight hours. but u were asleep.
DIP DPODPOD GODLOLLY FUCK NITsdg
~*~**
Youre name is dave stridre
U go to the egderps house
He jumps at u like how he jumps to everyone u know how he dose that he jumps wehn he opens a door like opsn it before they knock and then he opens door and he jumps on the them and hugs them rfor like three minutes and he jumps on the? Ya anyways so he does that to u. "hi dave!!! did u bring the hetero comdoms?"
"yup baby got em right here" you hold out a condim. "size doble xxxl"
"oh dave u know my anus isnt that big for ur pink mutantp penis!!!!"
"heh by the time i reach it it will be" u snicker. You know hes only joking, about everything, but u like to just sit back and pretend that hes in a really gay--BUT NO HOMO-- relationship wit u.

~*~*~**
Intermisstion 2

 

Once upon a nizzight dreary, while I pondered weak and wear-izzay, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten weed, While I nodded, nearly trippin', suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. "Tis some snoop dogg," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door - Only snoop, and nothing more."

 

'Hello my son.' a calm bearded man says at the door.
"Yo Jesus," the tall beautiful black man starts. Jesus can only dream of him melting into his mouth like a box of chocolates. "I've gotta problem"
jesus widens the door (like hed like todo to his anus) and motions Doggy in and trails into the kitchen, brewing some nice earl gray tea for the two of them.
Snoop dogg takes a seat, with his basket-ball shitrt and baggy pants, in a nearby armchair.
Jesus comes back half a minute later with some tea. its really hot, like snopo dogg.
"What is on your mind, my son?" jesus says in a comforting tone, sitting on an ottoman and nursing his tea.
"Well, Y'see jesus," snoop dogg begins wit a gangsta tone,

"Found a black dude, beautiful, yellow pyjamas
Combed my hair and awaited my date in da bahamas
See this guy was like no otha
He wasnt like a brotha he was like a
A lova y'see s-n-double-o-p-y's lova
a lova like no otha
and I took off my brand new doggy underwear
and started kissin
and rubbin
skipped all thehuggin
Then a cute lookin cracka comes in, lookin sharp in some blue footy PJs
Lookin more fly than any other of them DJs
the cracka said 'Hey, that's my bitch there!'
I took a double take and it was a nightmare
Teeth barin', knuckles crackin
I knew I was in fo trouble
So then my homie Geromy interjects
"It was just a distaction!"
I was as hurt as can be,
The sad dogggy was me

and the cracka rolled down the stairs 'fore anyone could warn him."

"Wow.. that was... beautiful, my son."
"Aw, shucks, Jesus, it was just a little freestylin' there." he sips his tea. "So, what should I do, Jesus?"

"You know what I think..." jesus shrugs off his jesus robe thingy, "Make the sex to me" he whistpers sexily in his ear. Snoopd dog gulps, but reluctantly starst kissing Jesus hard.
"You.. You really think my rap was beautiful, Jesus?" Jesus straddles snoop on the armchair.
"I knnow it was".

Chapter Text

FUCK FUCKIGN FUCKIN GUFKV FUCK FU
You're name is karkat vantes. You justleft john egbarts house. He wass SO HOT I MEAN DANG fuck u wjsut wanted fof uck him a lo t and like but then the PROBLEM IS, hes NOT A HOMOSEXUAL FUCK COUD YOUR LIFE GET ENY WORDse? fuck. you bang your head against a wall and it kida breakds. U hear a text on ur sellfone,
":33 *neoepts a kawaais over to karktity prurlr*"
U Groan because ur karakts. "
"FUCK. WHAT HTE FUCK ARE YOU WANTING NEPEPETsa? YOU RE DOUMB BIMBO."
"D--> dDont' you rdare talk to nePEET a liek that you fould low bel100D"
"GOD DAMN IT EQUEERUS WHAT ARE YOU DONIG?"
"D--> Being a towel"
":33 gosh dern it!! eqkitty stolded my kittyphone. >:33 no phone for you equius!!! purrl"
":33 so what are you doing thursdya? purrl :3"
"BEING A FUCK ASS AS USSUAL. WHY?"
":#3 i wanted t to nknow if youd liek to draw sonic the dhedjehog swith me!!!! mweow"
"SURE, IT'S A DATE, I GUESS. IS EQEUIASSHOLE GONNA BE THER?"
"D-> Fuck you"
">:33 ill set him up with a little... aradia date!!"
"WHATEVER."
~~~~~~~~
your name is JOHN !HEGBAORD!!1 and ur NO T A HONOSEXUALl. at the slightest. ok, maaaybe for nic cage. u really like that song by him "How do i I live without you !!!" hes ur favorite signher <333
Aridght so ur hanign out with dave and u hug him u kjno like when ytheir at the door and they go "Ding dong" and u go "waht who where?" and they go "WOWO! hot A WHAT BAHABATHthaiat" then ur idioan iand then yuo iopen the ntdoro an dhug them you know that fel bfbro? anyways so you do that. and then he goes "Jesus egbeorst i was just kinda gettin at the doro you mnnow ?" then u go "wos sorry ur gojust so hot?" then u go in the inside and ur dad goes "U know son, i respectu u no matter waht you do!!?" THEN UR SUDDENLY JASON DERULOTHEN UR KISSING dave wait what? SORRY U Got carried away daydremaing? "Ok dad, what ever" then u go watch bad moives with dave and he gOES "NOT NO JOHN I DONT WANNA WATCH UR DUMB MOVIES FUCK OF."then you wannan kiss him so bad so y..uou ... r...each... into his face.... and then................
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
lmao intermission 3

A large balcack man with sweet mucscles and a tight ripped pajamas that re yellow he walks thorugh the doorway of the hostpital
then theres a nurse she goes "GERonmy?" ok ur hella jef fis this way please follwo me."
then he goes to a room thats like. the hospital room wit helal jef u know?
"ger..lo...m.y..."
"Yes my weet. OOPS CAPS. r u ok?"
"no im dying u dumb idiot"
"oops sory."
u kiss him sweetly. "NO.... IM HURT to much. whydidnt u warn me about stairs?"
u start sobbing, "IBUT I TOLD U DOG!"
he move.s. "NO... TO... late... aswipe." he dies ant he flatlines flatnline s lu know like a flatline it goes like jiggyty jaggity andflat kno flat likea pancake like flat like a c flat u kno flat likea pancake at u kno. ke a ctuting board? then it goes alflat u kno. so i he dies. the hwlllea jeff IEDEDEIAS\"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!again"
TO BE CONCK TINUED

Chapter Text

yOU'RE oops caps. You're name is dave strider. and Johne just KISSED you?r Wow youd never thought thattdhaoppen. He just kissed you on aht emouth WITH HIS MOUTH! Ho w frriken gay can you get deude. Wait, its not gay if its two guys right? goodo. Wait hold uphe just kissed, you like, he put his lips in your kips. What the hell? oh wairt thats right your gay for him. I forgot
"I. ... like yOU." he said. You snicker becaues :the john": is a euphimistm for toilet. Heh. Oops geting ea liltl le hotu lfo hand.
/;I LVEO YOU TO TOO JOHN HEGABOSRTS:" you jiss mhim ohn my== the mouth mouth 4and its getting really frlistkuy. Your in his room and he pull s baxk in afluters,,.., "dave i just cant do this. " He runs away even though its his house. Wtf.
You fponder in his room and then lefe eventually cus that shit cray. nifg
=====
Your namei s karkat. Your on a date wit your homie, akak nepetal . yOUr drawing sanwing the hedgehof because you you think hes hot, because he s ble like egbert, and hes also A HEDGEHOG1!! HELLO!!! Fjucking
"Sooo prurrplppl water you thinkb bout?:3" nepeta axes. Her dumb assweiner boyfriend who masturbats to whoresses, hes elsesere wtirght now. "JUST HINKIN BOUT EGBERTS HOT ASS ABAINGING A HEDGEHOG."
"O.o wat?" "SORRYG. I MEAN , I'M THINKING ABOUT CANDY WRAPEPRS."
she podners for a moment. "poh! ok. :3 pass me the blue crayon ok!"
You d o as she says. And you think you've got a plan, too, to win Egbert over. But first you have to finish colouring Tails.
===2@

Waternelon

==========
Ur name is john egbert. U just left ur house. Why u o that? thats kinda dumb. lIKE ITD MAKE SENSE IF IT WAS HIS HOUSE BUT oops caps. but that was ur house? U fuckerin retrerd. Go ppol in ur hole. Hegbort.
====
YOuru name is UNKNOWN.. but u.r.. a lesbian... an ur having lesbain sex with now.. Suhrhhs.
====
intermession 4

A crowd gathers aroujdn a cblue casket. The crow ivThe corwod is consits of a large amount of ppl.
Sweet bro.
Peaches, teh dog.
Arndrew hussy.
Biggy smalls.
NIck cage.
weet bro's mom.
And finerally, geromny.

"Wouulud anyone want to say a word or two?"
"Ok ill say 2 words. "Said sweet bro. "i WAS HIS BEST FRNIEND. I LOVE that mothere fuckere. He fucked my mom with me." sweet broos mom was crying in the audienece. "He was a bro. He was there for me that one time i died when we was playign footbal.s." He starts cryign. "I CANT DO THSI IOMM SORRY" he runs off in the audience in his prob=m dress.

AFTER Teh funernal, geromy was still sitting hthere. Wat ur u doign. Get out. Shows over faget.
"i jsut... cant beleve his dead." Hims mutteer to himself. "Whsta.sh.fl%"

Snoop dog wus watching in the bushes. "Wat" he syaid
"SNOOP OG..... "he runs and huggs him an,d, tears staining his PJs.
"Im here baby. Dont worry."
"god i jsut.. . cant believe hes dead."
Snoop dogs silent.
"Snoopy.. thers.. something you should know....."
"wAht is it babye/"?
"Hell a jeff. Was. My
Sister"

 

Little did he knwo, something was watching in the bushes.. .over.. th...ere...........
2 B CONTINUED