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Digging Up Dirt (50 Kinky Ways Prompt #42: Moresome)

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This weed was stuck. Brittany adjusted her glove, grabbed the base of the plant, reached down and yanked. The weed came up, and she fell on her butt right as her phone vibrated. She pushed herself to her feet, answering the phone as she dropped the four-foot weed in the barrel with a sigh.

"Hey, Puck!"

"Do you have fresh basil ready in that greenhouse I built you?"

She scoffed. "Is Lord Tubbington an Internet superstar? Of course I have basil. Three varieties of basil, and you know that."

"Good, 'cause I'm at the grocery store, and all their fresh herbs are wilting."

Brittany straightened her hat and knelt back down, tucking her phone between her shoulder and her ear as she reached for the next waist-high weed. "What are you cooking, Puck? You know I won't allow you to use my choice herbs with sub-par ingredients. Is this Thanksgiving dinner?"

Puck laughed in her ear. "You offering produce, babe? No, it's just regular dinner tonight. I'm doing chicken with caramelized onions in a spicy peach sauce with slices and basil as garnish, served on top of fettuccine. I'm roasting stuffed bell peppers-"

"Red?"

"Of course - for the appetizer. And I was thinking comfort food for dessert."

"Apples are in season, and I've got tons. Do a crisp?"

"Perfect. I owe you one."

"You owe me a serving of whatever you make. How many are you cooking for? I need to pick you a peck of peppers. Not pickled."

He hesitated. "Um, well, the three of us, plus Sarah, two parental units, and extras for you, that's seven. And I'm using the Hummel's kitchen, 'cause it's bigger than mine at home."

Brittany smiled. The three of us wasn't vague at all, plus two parental units definitely didn't mean his two parents, since his dad hadn't been in the picture since Puck was nine. And a bigger kitchen was a lame excuse; Puck could cook gourmet on a camp stove. She'd seen him in action. This smelled like a mystery. "I'll be there in a few," she said with a smirk, and hung up.

She jammed the phone back in her pocket, dumping the barrel of weeds into a compost bin before hopping over the back fence into her own yard, grabbing her garden scissors and a basket. An hour later, she knocked on Kurt's front door. Puck met her at the door, his Mr. Good Lookin' Is Cookin' apron dusted with flour. He grinned when he saw her, taking the large cardboard box from her arms. She pecked his cheek and breezed past him to the kitchen, grabbing Kurt's blue apron off the pantry door. When they were eleven, they'd sewed aprons together on Mom's sewing machine, and she loved that Kurt still wore his.

"So, what do you need me to do?" she asked, tying the apron behind her as Puck set the box down on the counter.

Puck raised an eyebrow, but passed over the hand-labelled jar of this year's peach preserves. "Dude; I don't let anyone else help."

"You're going to let me," said Brittany. "Or I take my awesome produce and go home."

He made a face, but acquiesced. "All right. You make the sauce while I start the chicken and onions."

Brittany took the jar and a bowl from the dish rack while glancing around the room. Over on the couch, there was Finn's jacket. But that was normal, because Burt and Carole were totally dating. Finn was probably over all the time. Puck had a hickey almost covered by the collar of his t-shirt, but the cougars didn't leave marks, and Santana preferred to mark the other side. Plus, she said he wasn't putting out this year, so she came over to Brittany's house more. Score. Add in the three pairs of Puck's shoes by the door and the fact that this was at Kurt's house... oh, yeah. They're totally dating. Santana was right! I thought that was a mono-induced dream.

"I know your secret!" she teased.

Puck looked up in shock before noticeably trying to relax. "What secret?"

"You're totally doing Kurt." She grinned at his expression. "Ha! I'm right!"

"Right about what?" Finn said from the doorway.

"Puck's gettin' it on with Kurt," She repeated before her eyes went wide. "Oh, shoot, I forgot that gay secrets aren't the kind for spreading, because even though everyone thinks it's hot that Santana and I are doing it, people are stupid when there aren't any boobs involved. Sorry, Puck." She looked between the boys. "You aren't going to beat him up now, are you?" she asked Finn worriedly. "Cause, like, I still think that Puck could take you."

Finn smiled comfortingly. Those smiles from Finn were like hugs from San, only with less boob action. "It's okay, Brittany. I already knew. In fact..." He and Puck did that eye-talking thing that she and Santana always did during English class. Santana could do sonnets in eye-talk.

"It's all three of us dating together," he said finally. "Me and Puck and Kurt."

"Wow, that's hot," was the first thing out of her mouth. Seriously, just... wow. "Okay, super cool. But your boyfriend's going to be home soon, and the food's still not done. Puck, go do the peppers and Finn, you peel those apples. I'll finish the fettuccine so you can eat sooner."

That got Puck back to work and Finn started peeling with only a mumbled "Toppy, aren't we?", which earned him a swat with a bar towel.

"Less sass, more peels, Hudson."

Once the apple crisp and peppers were in the oven, she gathered up her bags and baskets. Halfway out the back door, she turned around to face them. "So, Finn's totally gay, and now I owe Santana ten bucks. But Puck, you still like girls, right?"

He nodded.

"But you don't cheat, which means I don't get to make out with you anymore. Since you're, like, the second best kisser in the school, I think you owe me one last kiss as a consolation prize." Santana was the number one best kisser in the school, but Brittany didn't tell her that, because she got all weird whenever they talked about sweet lady kisses.

Puck shrugged and looked at Finn, who was clearly trying not to laugh. "Go ahead, dude. Fair's fair." He grinned. "Don't break him, Britt. I kind of like him."

She set down her things and reached for Puck's head, tugging him down as he slid his fingers through her hair, meeting in a soft, long kiss as the unused back door clicked shut again.


Kurt dropped his messenger bag on the chair beside Finn, who was eating carrot sticks and looking across the kitchen. When he saw what was happening, Kurt's eyebrows slowly rose into his feathery bangs.

He leaned over and whispered in Finn's ear, "Why is our boyfriend making out with Brittany?"

Finn grinned. "She totally guessed about us. She's pretty smart, you know."

Kurt ran a nervous hand through his hair. "Really. She and Santana - um. She said something that surprised me the other day, about kissing each other..."

"I think she's doing research?" Finn reached for another carrot stick. "Something about the best kisser at school?"

"Well, that would be you," said Kurt, and turned bright red when he realized what he'd said. Finn's slow smile kind of stopped his heart for a minute.

"Thanks, baby," he murmured. "But I think that's a matter of opinion." He glanced back at Puck, who was wrapping up his business with Britt, and gestured to them with a querying look. "This bother you?"

Kurt wrestled with the question for a few moment, running through several expressions, but finally settled on a thoughtful frown. "Noooo," he said doubtfully. "Not really. I mean, it's not any different from him making out with that boy at the club, is it?"

"Except that it's a girl," said Finn. "Any concerns about that?"

Kurt gave him a wry smile. "I can't really complain, can I? I'm the one who made out with Brittany, after all."

"You never told me about that!" Finn looked both perplexed and impressed. He gestured at Kurt with the carrot stick. "Come on, spill. What happened?"

Kurt sank onto Finn's knee, hiding a red face behind one hand. "Suffice it to say I convinced myself that yes, I'm really gay, and no, I don't want girls, and I should never, ever sing Mellencamp."

"Oh, yeah, I remember that now." Finn paused, and crunched up the last carrot. "I don't know. I thought you were pretty hot."

"There's no accounting for taste," Kurt said, smiling, and leaned in for a carroty kiss.


Kurt walked Brittany the block and a half to her house, squashing her into a hug on the sidewalk before pulling back to arms-length and looking seriously at her. "Brittany, you should know that Puck and Finn are dolphins, but they're undercover as sharks. Sharks are carnivores, you know, so if anyone knew about their disguises, they wouldn't be safe."

Brittany tilted her head to the side. "So that's why Puck has a Mohawk! It's his shark fin for his costume?" Her face turned concerned. "But... Finn doesn't have a disguise! We should totally give him a Mohawk, too. Just so he's safe. We can do it while he's sleeping!"

Kurt bit back a smile, imagining himself and Brittany in cat-burglar outfits, which were eerily similar in his mind to their Single Ladies costumes. Sneaking in Finn's window, just for kicks, and shaving his head in the middle of the night. Sure, he'd get a spanking for that, but seeing Finn's face in the morning might just be worth it. Not to mention the looks at school. "That's really nice of you to think of him. But I think, since he's got a lady-shark for disguise, we don't have to worry so much about Finn. Plus, his name is a disguise all by !"

Brittany nodded wisely. "Quinn is totally a shark. She's even got the teeth for it. All straight and shiny, like that song about Mack the Knife. Oh, she shines them, pearly white!"

"Let's never tell her that." Kurt said when he'd stopped giggling. "We might end up as the smaller fish. But, um, do you get it?"

Brittany smiled. "Their secrets are totally safe with me. Safe as Santana's toy box under her bed. Thanks for having me for dinner. I'll see you on Monday?"


"This is Sarah's favorite color," said Puck, waving the bottle of Really Red nail polish. He shook it vigorously and hunched over Brittany's foot, squinting at her little toe. "Sorry. Kurt says I'm not so good at the small ones. I'll try not to get it on your quilt."

Brittany passed him a tissue. "Put this under. You can use it to fix your mistakes."

He grinned up at the girls. "So what did you want to tell me?"

Santana looked at Brittany and smirked. "Well, last night, we were talking about you, and your boys. And we had some... ideas."

Brittany nodded seriously. "I think it's tragic that you've never sung to Kurt in front of Glee before, and you need to show him you love him in front of everybody. Not just Glee. The whole school. Sing the most loving song we know! I love you, you love me..."

Santana bit her lip. "I think the cafeteria would be perfect, don't you?"

"I think you guys are smoking something," he snorted. "No way in hell am I going to do that. Kurt is totally freaked out about the idea of me being out." He paused. "Besides, I think Kurt hates Barney more than I do. He's more a Teletubbies guy."

"Of course, if you're too scared..." Santana grinned at him, raising an eyebrow.

Puck crossed his arms across his chest and raised his own eyebrow right back. "Just because I'm doing dudes doesn't mean I'm not a badass."

"I think you're just chicken," Brittany said. "But you know the consequences of backing down from a dare, don't you?"

"Um...?" Puck looked half nervous and half intrigued. "Maybe?"

"Well, you know, just like in truth or dare. You have to take the forfeit dare, and there isn't any backing down from that one."

"Who comes up with these fucking rules, anyway?" Puck muttered.

"Cheerleaders!" Brittany said cheerfully. "We have lots of fun at camp. Remember, Santana, that time we had to streak, all the way to the ranger station?"

"I would have paid to see that," he said, smirking, but he sighed and settled down on the bed. "All right. What do I have to do?"

Santana looked at him like a panther that'd just caught some farmer's sheep. Or maybe a deer- no easy prey for this hunter. "You have to let us watch you. All three of you. Together. Actually doing it, none of this 'chaste kiss' business."

Puck crinkled his eyebrows. "Not a problem from my end, but... you think Kurt's going to be okay with this why?"

"Convincing him is your problem, not ours." Santana leaned back against the headboard.

"Man, you don't aim low, do you?" He considered, fiddling with the nail file. "Well, Kurt has a weakness for tequila. Two margaritas and I can get him to play video games with Mercedes. I think that might be our best route... except if Finn thinks I'm taking advantage of him, he's going to kick my... uh." He glanced at Santana. "I'll work on it."

Santana looked up from inspecting her nails. "You do that."


Puck was surprisingly smooth about introducing the idea to Finn. Finn was usually pretty good at not reacting to Puck's crazy plans until he'd had a chance to think about it, but this one came at him like a sneak attack. He managed not to inhale his Mountain Dew, then spent several seconds regarding his sneakers, neither laughing nor snapping at Puck.

"Um, run that by me again? Santana wants us to what?"

Puck explained a second time, stumbling over the words.

Finn took a deep breath. And then counted to ten. In Spanish. He'd count higher, but he could usually only remember up to fifteen. "Dude," he sighed, finally. "What were you thinking?"

"I didn't know what else to do, man," Puck protested. "It was either that or sing Kurt a fucking song in the middle of the cafeteria."

Yes, and what got you there to begin with...? Never mind. "Don't think you're off the hook for getting us into this. I'll deal with that later." He stared hard at Puck, who gulped. "But since you did, and I won't tell you to back down from a double-dog dare, let's figure this out."

"Okay," Puck said, looking relieved.

He leaned back, twiddling his pencil. "So, we've tried, like, a lot of new things since getting together, right? So let's present this to Kurt as, just, something new we're trying. Mark it off our lists, see if we like it. You've got a little thing for showing off, Britt and San are relatively safe to show off in front of, we can trust them, and set some ground rules. No touching, no cameras, no mentioning it after the fact."

Puck nodded, mostly to himself. "I think they'd agree to that."

"They'd better, or we aren't doing this. And Kurt can set further ground rules, if he wants. So Kurt and I will indulge your little exhibitionist streak- you can tell him about the dare, or not- but in exchange, we'll owe him one unspecified future sexual favor. He wants to try something new, you're embarrassed, we have to indulge him. Bottoming to him for a week or wearing our football uniforms or being his fashion dummies or whatever. Even if it means dressing up like Lady Gaga in front of the entire school. You understand?"

"Dude," Puck said, stroking his jaw doubtfully. "You don't think he'd make us do that, do you?"

"I wouldn't put it past Kurt," Finn said grimly. "I'll work out the details. You set things up with Brittany and Santana. We'll be there."


Jacob Ben-Israel smelled a good story. Puckerman had sidled up to She-Devil and Blondie in the hall after school, whispering in Santana's ear as he grabbed Brittany's ass, which just earned him a giggle and and a lean into his arm as the three of them walked outside. With some quick maneuvering and a dive into the bushes, he got the perfect vantage point to see the girls push Puck against the wall.

"So, are we on for tonight? Britt and I, we'll be at her house at seven."

"Only question is, will you and all your business be there? Me and Santana need some action tonight, and it's a good deal for you. Two for one, just like a shoe sale."

"Only question is, Puckerman, are you man enough to handle it?"

Puck grinned, wrapping his arms around them. "Ladies, we are on. Now, may I escort you to practice?"

Jacob turned his camera around as they walked away, checking to make sure he caught every moment. Score.


BREAKING NEWS!

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Rachel Berry surpasses Kurt Hummel in this year's slushie race! Full story here.

Quinn Fabray's baby is actually triplets!

More on last week's rumors about a steamy affair between Principal Figgins and former glee coach Sandy "boy-lover" Ryerson here.

And today's top story, Puckerman's scoring with not one, but two of McKinley's hottest babes! Together! This takes BOGO to all new levels, and I'm not talking about buy one, get one. Video. Transcript. Full story, including reactions from the Puckerman, Pierce, and Lopez, Queen of Gossip Mercedes Jones, and Puckerman's one-time crush, Quinn Fabray here. Further details forthcoming!


When Jacob asked her about the alleged threesome between Puck, Santana, and Brittany, Mercedes just barely schooled her face into a chuckle and "That's not hard to believe." Seriously, that was not the threesome rumor she expected to hear about regarding Puck. Once Jacob was safely around the corner, she slipped into the bathroom- the broken one in the E wing that no one ever used. "Boy, you would not believe what Jacob just asked me."

"Well, I guess that secures the closet door," Kurt murmured to himself before looking up from his phone at Puck. "Sweetheart, you've got to read this." He passed the phone to Puck.

Puck squinted at the screen, then broke into surprised snorts of laughter. "Holy shit - that's fucking perfect. Remind me to bake Jacob a cake."

"Mercedes was kind of in awe about the whole idea." Kurt brushed infinitesimal specks of dust off his shirt. "I think she's wondering when you get any sleep."

"Babe, sleep is for the weak." Puck smirked. "The Puckster can handle anything."

"Mmm," said Kurt, placing both hands on Puck's broad shoulders. "How about you handle this?"


As expected, it all started a little... awkwardly. They hadn't put it past Jacob to stake out Brittany's house, so Finn and Kurt got there early, through the back yard, while Puck and Santana showily arrived, complete with three-way kisses on the front porch. Those, Santana knew, would never not be complicated and inherently dangerous. Too many noses, not enough room.

When they got up to Brittany's room, Finn was sitting at her desk, fiddling with her collection of china cats. He smiled easily at Britt and Santana, but Kurt looked like he might explode at any moment, and not in a good way.

"I'll have you know I'm here under duress," he said immediately.

"Oh, don't worry, Kurt," said Britt. "I'm not wearing a dress."

Puck approached Kurt as one might calm a skittish horse, putting a hand on his shoulder. Kurt looked like he was chewing on something unpleasant, but under Puck's hand he let out a sigh and relaxed a fraction. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered.

"Come on, Kurt," Santana cajoled, settling into the most comfortable chair. "I know on the scale of gay, from one to ten, you're, like, a twenty-seven. But you made out with Britt, didn't you? The only one here who hasn't experienced your skinny bod is me, and you can bet I'm not going to be staring at your boyparts. So relax. Just think of it as a learning experience. A sexual field trip."

"Baby," said Finn softly, and Kurt turned, gazing at him across the room. Finn held out one hand, and Kurt walked to him and took it. "Nobody's going to say anything to anyone about what goes on in this room. Right?" He raised an eyebrow at Santana.

"My lips are sealed," she promised, and Britt nodded, taking a seat beside Santana on the chair.

"See? It's going to be fine." He smiled at Kurt, and squeezed his hand. While Kurt grumbled and sighed, Finn leaned in and placed his lips on his cheek. "No big deal, okay?"

As Finn continued dropping kisses on Kurt's jaw and neck, Kurt sighed deeper, closing his eyes and relaxing into his touch. Britt leaned back, a smile playing on her lips. "I need a bowl of popcorn," she whispered. "Maybe some skittles. A whole bag of rainbows."

"Anything that turns you on," Puck said, grinning. "I'm all about tasting the rainbow."

"You did not just say that," Kurt objected, eyes still closed. "I'm trying to relax here." He shifted his shoulders as Finn's hands slipped under the hem of his shirt and began the long journey of divesting Kurt of his multiple layers of clothing.

"But orgasms are very relaxing, Kurt! Most boys I know fall asleep after sex. Are boy on boy orgasms different, then? Does your penis have magic powers to make you stay awake? Cause that could be awesome."

Santana snorted. "But it wouldn't be awesome for you, sweetie. Only for other gay boys. No benefits for us."

"Au contraire," Puck said, kicking off his boots. "I thought the whole point of this thing was that you ladies wanted to watch us. I'd say that's a pretty major benefit. More orgasms, more fun for everybody."

"Whatever." Santana shrugged. "I don't care too much about the boy-on-boy. I'm here for Britt. Moral support, you know."

Finn considered her for a moment. "Is that right?" His voice had the tone of a challenge. "Puck. C'mere."

Puck hopped up from the floor and walked over to stand next to Finn, waiting. Finn gave Santana one more glance, then slid a hand behind Puck's neck and pulled him in for a deep kiss, with plenty of tongue. Kurt, on Finn's other side, let out his breath in a surprised puff. Puck, responding enthusiastically, moaned and bumped his hip into Finn's. When they were done, his cheeks were flushed and he looked a little shaken, but not displeased.

"How was that?" Finn said, with a smirk.

Brittany started to applaud, but after an elbow in the ribs from Santana, she zipped her lips and switched to sign-language applause.

"Okay, okay," Santana said, rolling her eyes, but her cheeks were a little on the flushed side, too. "Boy-on-boy, pretty hot."

"You're pretty. And hot." Brittany said. "Kurt's pretty. Puck's pretty sometimes. Finn's hot, but I don't think he's very pretty. Sorry, Finn."

"No accounting for taste," muttered Puck.

Clothing came off quickly after that, mostly due to Puck's propensity for nakedness, and after a while it just felt ridiculous to be the only one wearing something. Lord Tubbington was banished to his basket under Britt's bed after he tried to knead bread dough on Finn's thigh. There were equal parts sighs and moans from the boys and snide running commentary from Santana, along with surprised gasps and uncontrollable laughter from Britt.

Finally, Kurt turned around in a huff. "Darling, dearest. Brittany. If you don't stop giggling, I will never forget you're in the room and then I won't be able to keep it up and you will never get your free show. There are caramels in my bag if you need to keep your mouth busy... just keep quiet, okay? Okay. Puck, get back to work; your mouth needs to be busy, too."

Of course, this set Finn into a fit of hilarity, and Santana laughing, and it took them a few minutes to get back to business. As it was.


Kurt stared at the paint on Brittany's ceiling, the swirls as familiar as those on his own. "I used to play here all the time when I was a kid," he said to Finn, resting his head on his chest. "We were best friends, me and Britt, and Santana and Noah were always around... Jesus." He tipped his head up. "I can't believe I forgot about that."

"It was a long time ago," Finn said. "I mean, back then, me and Karofksy were practically best friends. Look how that's turned out."

"You remember Santana's birthday party? In third grade? It totally started pouring... and then that boy's father showed up and yelled at him in front of everybody..." Puck blinked, then shook his head before resting it back on Kurt's stomach. He sighed as Kurt's calming hand ran over his scalp. "I can barely remember, myself."

"So what happened to the girls?" Finn propped himself up on his elbows and glanced around the room. "They disappeared."

"They escaped to the bathroom," Puck said, smirking. "After you and Kurt, you know. The third time. Too much for them, I guess."

"I think we turned them on too much," Finn replied, and Kurt made a noise of disgusted protest. "What? That was the point, right?"

"I still have no idea what the point was," Kurt said. "All I know is, now I get my favor."

"We don't have to do it now... do we?" Puck looked a little aghast. "Because even the Puckmeister runs out of rounds eventually."


Two days later, Jacob Ben Israel opened his locker to find a small chocolate cake with his favorite frosting and sprinkles. Next to it, there was a note.

It's kosher. Also, not poisoned.

Thanks for the rep boost. I'll keep you in mind next time I need someone to leak the story about my bedroom activities.

-Puckerman