FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
You SWEAR they are GETTING LOUDER ALL THE DAMN TIME!
It’s almost as if SOMETHING SPECIAL’S ABOUT TO FUCKING HAPPEN!
You really wish they’d at least be quieter. Just a little bit. Just enough so you can actually hear yourself think. Just enough so you can remember why you think you deserve every moment of it.
You wish they would just kill you, really. It’d solve so many of your problems. But you’re either too much of a coward to do it yourself, or, when you do finally make up your mind, you get interrupted by a lot of incoherent yelling of people who really wish they’d just made one different choice in their lives.
You stopped actually listening to the voices a long, long time ago.
When you heard the voice of your best friend.
Yeah, fuck that noise. Fuck that noise harder than the noise you’re hearing now. You are NOT thinking about the night you killed Eridan.
Sure, you might not have been the hand that actually struck him down, but that doesn’t make a difference. It sure as hell doesn’t make it any better. It sure as hell doesn’t make you forget about what happened to him.
Oh dear God why did you have to think of Feferi?
There is pretty much no other person on this entire planet that can make you feel this awful without even talking to her.
Did you just blame her for that? Did that sound like putting blame on her? Because, fuck, the last thing she deserves is you getting mad at her. She should be mad at you. You’re pretty sure she is.
Realizing there’s someone out there who hates you appropriately is enough to make you calm down, usually, as long as you don’t also come to the realization that you could never hate her back to make it worth her while.
You’re an absolutely awful troll.
Karkat: Describe Respiteblock
The most noteworthy objects in your respiteblock are, of course, your beehouse mainframes. You are always very careful, even in your fits of rage, not to damage it and piss off the bees inhabiting them. Speaking of which, you threw your bookcase through the far wall just now. That usually happens. You tried to bolt it down once, but you just ended up tearing a hole in the ground and still destroying the wall.
Your bookcase is filled with all kinds of coding manuals, although you’re still convinced they’re awfully inadequate. You’re working on your own manual instead, but you can’t help but add swearwords to every page. You might entitle it ‘for assholes’ to make up for that.
Your walls, meanwhile, are plastered with various movie posters. Trollception, Thresholdless, Troll Code. The good ones, basically.
Yeah, you’re a nerd. That’s probably the one thing about you that you don’t hate.
Karkat: Get Some Food
You make your way to the fridge and immediately bump into one of the guardian robots Equius commissioned. You’d say he commissioned them for you, but that would just be ridiculous. He had them built to keep an eye on you and make sure you don’t die, which is his way of being charitable.
Maryam did a good job at that, you guess. You’ve reprogrammed most of them to be more efficient and last longer and report less, but there are a lot of subroutines you don’t know how to get into. Honestly, she might not be as good a programmer as you are, but she sure as hell is a way better engineer.
Yeah, you can respect people who do their job right, even if it really inconveniences you. You guess they don’t even do that, really. They’re just there as a reminder, although you don’t need any reminders. You’re your own reminder.
One thing they are good for is for making your lusus feel all kinds of uncomfortable. Being a bicyclops, he’s already pretty big for the small hive you live in, and these robots make him feel all the more cramped. This is why you usually keep him on the roof.
You get a quick snack out of the fridge and feel something trying to slither its way into your mind.
God no. Not her. Not now.
You really had hoped you could avoid her tonight. You were looking forward to not having anything to do with her at all. You manage to push her out, although you really don’t know why you still bother, since-
Yeah, there it is. The familiar sound of her messaging you.
Karkat: Check Trollian
Yeah, that’s her alright. Goddamnit.
-- arachnophileChipper [AC] began trolling codingGenius [CG] --
AC: ::::3 i see youre the strong karkitty tonight!
AC: ::::3 this is so exciting!
CG: FOR THE LA2T GODDAMN TIME YOU BRAIN-DEAD P2YCHOPATH, THERE I2 ONLY ONE KARKAT.
CG: I AM IN NO WAY WHAT2OEVER QUALIFIED 2 2ATI2FY YOUR DOWNRIGHT DI2TURBING MPD-KINK.
AC: xxxx3 you are so silly sometimes karkitty!
AC: ::::3 of course there are two of you
AC: ::::3 why else can i only play with you half the time?
CG: YEAH, I DIDN’T EXPECT YOU 2 HAVE A 2CEPTICAL 2UBROUTINE THAT CHECK2 FOR ALTERNATIVE EXPLANATION2 THAT FUCKING MAKE 2EN2E.
AC: ::::3 just because you dont know about it doesnt mean its not true
CG: THAT HA2 2 BE THE MO2T BACKWARD2, A2ININE ARGUMENT THAT HA2 EVER APPEARED ON MY 2CREEN.
CG: I THINK I KNOW FULL WELL WHAT’2 IN MY PRIVATE CLASSES.
AC: xxxx3 shut up already!
AC: xxxx3 im not here to argue with you!
CG: THAT’2 JU2T MY LUCK.
CG: I’M GOING TO ACTIVATE MY RANDOM HOOFBEA2T2HIT GENERATOR HERE AND GUE22 WHAT YOU’RE ACTUALLY HERE FOR I2 FAR WOR2E THAN THAT.
AC: ::::3 im on an investigation
CG: I FUCKING CALLED IT.
CG: AL2O, FUCK YOU, I’M NOT ROLEPLAYING WITH YOU.
AC: xxxx( im not roleplaying!
AC: ::::3 terezi is being mysterious and i want to know what shes up to!
CG: TZ I2N’T UP 2 ANYTHING A2IDE FROM DOING THE 2AME DUMB 2HIT 2HE’2 ALWAY2 DOING.
CG: 2HE’2 NOT A GENIU2, YOU IDIOT.
AC: ::::o thats not true!
AC: ::::o terezi is really smart!
AC: ::::3 you just dont want to admit it
CG: THE FACT THAT YOU THINK 2HE’2 2MART DOE2N’T PROVE 2HIT.
CG: IT JU2T MEAN2 2HE’2 2MARTER THAN YOU, WHICH, NEW2FLA2H, I2N’T MUCH OF A 2URPRI2E.
CG: EVERYONE AND THEIR LU2U2 I2 2MARTER THAN YOU.
CG: 2OMEHOW THI2 2TILL INCLUDE2 TZ EVEN THOUGH HER DIETARY HABIT2 HAVE ALL BUT EXTERMINATED EVERY FUNCTIONING PART OF HER THINK PAN.
CG: MUCH LIKE YOUR 2LEEPING HABIT2 HAVE ELIMINATED ANY AND ALL OF YOUR COMMON 2EN2E.
CG: ALTHOUGH I DON’T THINK THAT TOOK VERY LONG.
AC: ::::3 karkitty you seem upset about something
AC: ::::( you dont usually hurt my feelings like that
AC: ::::( frankly im all upset now
AC: ::::( i dont even want to talk about my investigation anymore
CG: THI2 I2 ME, NOT GIVING A 2HIT.
AC: ::::( awwwwwwww
AC: ::::3 youre not even a little curious?
CG: NOT 2 BIT2.
AC: ::::3 well im going to tell you anyway
CG: WHAT A FUCKING 2URPRI2E.
AC: ::::3 terezi was talking about something big going on
AC: ::::o and she also hinted at one of you lowbloods knowing more!
AC: ::::3 so now im investigating
AC: ::::3 but its kind of silly to think you know anything karkitty
AC: ::::3 since you dont ever talk to anyone except us
AC: ::::3 even though you always say you totally hate all of us
AC: ::::3 youre really kind of strange
CG: YOU’RE RIGHT, I KNOW AB2OLUTELY GODDAMN NOTHING.
AC: ::::3 maybe i should ask sollux for help
AC: ::::3 he is way better at this than i am
AC: ::::3 but im not going to ask him until ive tried everything myself!
AC: ::::3 thanks for your help karkitty
AC: ;;;;3 ill see if i can play with you later
CG: I’M FUCKING LOOKING FORWARD 2 IT.
-- arachnophileChipper [AC] ceased trolling codingGenius [CG] --
Why? Why does she keep bothering you? What the hell is it about you that invites her, for crying out loud?
Why won’t that lunatic just leave you alone? It would make your life so much easier.
Karkat: Turn Off Computer
You’re half tempted to throw it out of the recently created hole in your wall. You realize in time, however, that this would be a really bad idea and instead vow to turn and leave it off for the rest of the night while you go do whatever, something, anything. Anything’s better than this.
Wait, what? Who’s that?
No way. That can’t possibly be true.
There is no way in hell this is actually happening and not some sort of hallucination brought on by whatever the fuck it is that’s wrong with you. There just isn’t.
-- causalAnomaly [CA] began trolling codingGenius [CG] --
CA: kar i need y0ur help
CG: WHAT THE 2HIT?
CG: YOU’RE DEAD.
CA: n0 time
CA: i need y0ur help
CG: LIKE HELL YOU DO.
CG: I’M NOT TALKING 2 GHO2T2.
CG: THAT WA2 YOUR THING.
CG: I GOT THE TROLL2 RIGHT BEFORE THEY BECAME PART OF YOUR LOVELY CA2T OF HORROR2.
CG: FUCK I AM TALKING 2 A DEAD GUY.
CA: kar this is n0t a j0ke
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED ME FOR?
CG: WHAT U2E CODE I PO22IBLY HAVE 2 YOU?
CG: FUCK WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT ANYTHING 2 DO WITH ME?
CG: HOW CODE I PO22IBLY BE YOUR TOP PRIORITY RIGHT NOW?
CA: y0ure imp0rtant
CA: just like the rest 0f us
CA: wwevve alwways been imp0rtant
CA: i understand n0ww
CG: ED WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?
CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF MY EVER DWINDLING 2ANITY I2 GOING ON?
CG: A22UMING, FOR A MOMENT, THAT THI2 I2 ACTUALLY HAPPENING AND THAT YOU’RE NOT 2TILL A DEVOURED CORP2E RE2TING 2OMEWHERE ON THE OUT2KIRT2 OF THI2 ROTTEN PLANET.
CG: WHY ARE YOU TALKING 2 ME?
CG: HOW AM I IMPORTANT 2 YOU, A2IDE FROM YOU WANTING 2 2EE MY HEAD IMPALED ON A GODDAMN 2TICK?
CA: kar its 0k
CA: im 0k with it
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOE2 THAT EVEN MEAN?
CA: i didnt mind what happened t0 me
CA: it gavve me perspective
CG: NO NO NO NO NO.
CG: 2HUT THE FUCK UP.
CG: DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME THAT YOU DYING WA2, OR CODE EVER HAVE BEEN, A GOOD THING.
CG: IT WA2N’T.
CG: IT FUCKING WA2N’T.
CA: it was supp0sed t0 happen
CG: NO IT FUCKING WA2N’T!
CG: THAT CAN’T HAVE BEEN WHAT 2HOULD HAVE HAPPENED!
CG: THEY WEREN’T 2UPPO2ED 2 FUCKING BE THERE AND IT’2 MY FAULT THAT THEY WERE!
CG: IT’2 MY GODDAMN FAULT AND I’M 2O FUCKING 2ORRY.
CA: its 0k
CA: y0u can make it up t0 me t0night
CA: i need y0ur help
CA: d0 y0u wwant t0 help me
CG: FUCK YE2.
You suddenly understand absolutely nothing.
Eridan explains his plan to you and you have no idea what the hell any of it is supposed to mean. Nevertheless, you get to work.
You’re already on it, motherfucker. You’ve got this whole trip planned out perfectly and you’re pretty sure you’ll arrive on time.
You can’t arrive too early though. That’d mess up all your precious motherfuckin plans.
So you guess you can spare a few minutes to check up on one of your most loyal followers. Who also happens to be your best friend.
Gamzee: Troll Best Friend
-- technicallyColorblind [TC] began trolling allegianceTrustee [AT] --
TC: hey there my brother from another lusus.
TC: what’s up across the land of sand and the dead?
AT: hEY tHERE gAMZEE,
AT: iF yOU mEAN mY dESERT tHEN i gUESS tHE sKY iS uP,
AT: bUT eVEN iF yOU dON’T mEAN tHAT, tHEN tHE sKY wOULD sTILL bE wHAT iS uP,
TC: sorry motherfucker, i forgot how literal you can be getting sometimes.
TC: don’t worry bro, it won’t be happening again.
TC: how are you?
AT: tHAT’S oKAY, i tHINK,
AT: i cAN bE a lITTLE bIT mORE lITERAL,
AT: tHAN iS nORMAL fOR tROLLS,
AT: i aM aCTUALLY eXPERIENCING sOMETHING yOU mIGHT cALL eMOTIONAL tURMOIL,
AT: bECAUSE i aM dEFINITELY fEELING tURMOILED,
TC: oh shit bro.
TC: what could possibly be all up and troubling your chill motherfuckin self?
AT: wELL tHERE aRE a lOT oF tHINGS, tHAT cOULD pOSSIBLY tROUBLE mE,
AT: i cAN gIVE yOU aN eXTENSIVE lIST iF yOU wANT?
TC: okay, now i know you’re just motherfuckin messing with a motherfucker.
TC: so what’s with the whole motherfuckin turmoil state of your emotional motherfuckin wellbeing?
AT: oH nO i aM aCTUALLY fEELING sOMEWHAT sAD,
AT: aBOUT sOMETHING,
AT: bUT i aM nOT fEELING oNLY sAD aBOUT sOMETHING,
AT: wHICH iS tO sAY, tHERE iS aLSO sOMETHING i fEEL vERY eXCITED aBOUT,
AT: aND tHAT iS wHY i wANTED tO mAKE a jOKE,
TC: it’s okay, my main motherfuckin bro.
TC: i get where your motherfuckin jokestering is coming from.
TC: so what are you feeling sad about?
AT: tHE iMMINENT dEATH oF mY lUSUS,
AT: aND aLSO mAYBE tHE fACT tHAT wE aRE gOING tO bE lEAVING tHIS pLANET bEHIND sOON?
TC: why the motherfuck would that second part make you sad?
TC: THIS WORLD IS ROTTEN TO THE MOTHERFUCKIN CORE.
TC: IT IS IRREDEEMABLE AND THE ONLY WAY OUR RACE CAN ADVANCE BEYOND IT IS TO MOTHERFUCKIN PURGE THE ENTIRE MOTHERFUCKIN PLACE AND START OVER.
TC: there is nothing on this world worth saving except what we’re taking with us.
AT: wHILE i aGREE tHAT wHAT yOU jUST sAID iS tRUE,
AT: fOR mOST oF tROLL sOCIETY,
AT: tHERE aRE dEFINITELY sTILL pLACES oN tHIS pLANET lEFT,
AT: tHAT aRE iNCREDIBLE iN tHEIR bEAUTY,
AT: sO i hAVE tO sAY tHAT yOU aRE wRONG,
AT: iN tHAT aSPECT oF yOUR pHILOSOPHY,
TC: name me one motherfuckin thing,
TC: ONE MOTHERFUCKIN THING,
TC: aside from your motherfuckin miracle of a botanical lawn ring,
TC: ON THIS GODDAMNED PLANET THAT IS WORTH PERSEVERING?
AT: tHE lARGELY uNTOUCHED fORESTS aRADIA lIVES iN,
AT: i mIGHT nOT gET aLONG wITH oUR fAUNA vERY wELL,
AT: bUT tHAT dOES nOT mEAN tHEY aRE wORTHLESS,
AT: aND tHE fLORA iTSELF iS aBSOLUTELY aWESOME iN iTS vARIETY
TC: alright fine, i’ll grant you that one.
TC: but that’s still only one thing on an entire motherfuckin planet.
AT: i cOULD gO oN, iF yOU wOULD lIKE mE tO,
AT: i hAVE a lIST pREPARED fOR eXACTLY tHIS oCCASION,
AT: aND tHIS tIME i aM nOT kIDDING aBOUT tHE lIST,
TC: sure, don’t let this motherfucker stop you.
TC: it’d be a motherfuckin shame to let such a motherfuckin fine list go to waste.
AT: tHE nEXT iTEM oN tHE lIST iS rUINS,
AT: aLL tHE bEAUTIFUL mONUMENTS uNCOVERED bY aRADIA aND, wELL,,,
AT: eVEN iF tROLL sOCIETY wAS aS cORRUPTED tHEN aS iT iS nOW,
AT: tHEY aRE sTILL aMAZING aRTEFACTS oF a bYGONE aGE,
AT: aND eVEN iF yOU tHINK oUR sPECIES iS hORRIBLE,
AT: wHICH i aGREE wITH,
AT: wE sHOULD sTILL rEMEMBER iT, i tHINK,
AT: sO wE dO nOT mAKE tHE sAME mISTAKES aGAIN,
TC: those are all pretty good motherfuckin points your think pan just put all up on this screen.
TC: you sound all motherfuckin enlightened and shit.
TC: it’s cool.
AT: tHANKS, i tHINK,
AT: tHE nEXT iTEM oN tHE lIST iS oNE yOU mIGHT nOT rEALLY lIKE,
AT: bUT pLEASE dON’T bE mAD,
AT: aT mE,
AT: wHEN i sAY iT,
AT: bECAUSE i tHINK yOU sHOULD lISTEN tO wHAT i hAVE tO sAY aBOUT iT,
TC: alright my main motherfuckin bro.
TC: now you’ve got me all curiosed up and shit.
TC: what is it?
AT: iT iS,
AT: tHE oCEAN,
TC: THE MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT?
TC: WAS THAT THING I JUST READ ACTUALLY WHAT YOU MEANT TO MOTHERFUCKIN SAY?
TC: BECAUSE THIS MOTHERFUCKIN MOTHERFUCKER CAN’T HELP BUT THINK YOU WERE PUTTING YOUR JOKE ON AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER.
AT: yOU sAID yOU wOULDN’T bE mAD,
AT: aT lEAST nOT uNTIL i eXPLAINED,
AT: wHY i sAID tHAT,
AT: iF yOU dON’T aGREE, yOU cAN gET aNGRY,
AT: aFTER tHAT,
TC: I NEVER MOTHERFUCKIN SAID THAT.
AT: bUT yOU aGREED,
AT: tO mE,
AT: sAYING tHAT,
AT: wHICH bASICALLY mEANS tHE sAME tHING,
TC: alright, fine, explain your fine motherfuckin reasoning behind this blasphemy.
TC: so i can get my motherfuckin anger on for the right motherfuckin reasons.
AT: iF yOU tAKE tHE oCEAN,
AT: aND tAKE aLL tHE sEADWELLERS oUT,
AT: iT iS a vERY bEAUTIFUL pLACE,
TC: THAT HIVES THE BANE OF OUR COLLECTIVE MOTHERFUCKIN EXISTANCE.
TC: OR DID YOU FORGET ABOUT THE MOTHERFUCKIN MONSTROSITY THAT COULD END ALL OF OUR MOTHERFUCKIN LIVES JUST WITH A GREAT BIG MOTHERFUCKIN YAWN?
TC: BECAUSE THAT SEEMS REALLY MOTHERFUCKIN RELEVANT TO ME RIGHT NOW.
AT: wELL, sINCE sHE’S nOT rEALLY fROM oUR wORLD oRIGINALLY,
AT: oR aT aLL, i gUESS,
AT: sO i dON’T rEALLY cONSIDER hER tO bE a pART oF tHE oCEAN oR aNYTHING,
TC: you know the motherfuckin gender that belongs to that abomination?
TC: the fact that you have your understand on about the weirdest of motherfuckin things i’m still kind of disturbed at that thing belonging to any sort of motherfucking gender qualifications at all.
AT: i cOULD tELL yOU,
AT: hOW i kNOW tHAT,
AT: bUT i dON’T tHINK yOU’D wANT tO,
AT: hEAR tHAT pARTICULAR sTORY,
TC: it’s fine, tavbro.
TC: so let me see if i’ve got this motherfuckin straightened out and shit.
TC: nature is pretty much motherfuckin peanut butter and jelly, but the motherfuckin trolls are the shitstains upon reality?
AT: i tHINK tHAT sUMS mY fEELINGS uP,
AT: vERY wELL,
AT: aLTHOUGH i wOULDN’T sAY iT lIKE tHAT,
TC: that’s not a motherfuckin problem at all.
TC: it’s why i’m motherfuckin here, clearing up on all your meanings and shit.
TC: i’m really glad we had this motherfuckin talk.
TC: but i have plans to be getting the motherfuck along with.
AT: gOOD lUCK,
-- technicallyColorblind [TC] ceased trolling allegianceTrustee [AT] --
Tavros can be pretty motherfuckin dense sometimes. That’s alright though. It’s why you’re there to look out for your main motherfucker. Make sure his naive ideals don’t get him culled and shit.
In return you guess he keeps your shit checkered in tight. He’s pretty good at doing that. You’re so pale for him it’s kind of embarassing.
With a smile on your face, you continue towards your destination. You hope Aradia knows what she’s doing. You guess you’ll get confirmation from your inside source about that in a minute.
Dropping the ball on the whole traitor business must’ve really riled up his imperious nooksucker. Keep him distracted and oblivious of what’s really happening. Plans all up and moving.
You wonder how he’s doing?