Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you HATE YOURSELF. Actually, that is nowhere near accurate enough. You UTTERLY DESPISE your VERY EXISTANCE. There are a wide variety of reasons for this, although most of them center around the fact that you are a HUGE COWARD.
Your interests include and are most certainly limited to COMPUTER PROGRAMMING and HACKING, which you are ultimately AWESOME at, watching RIDICULOUSLY COMPLICATED MOVIES and TELEVISION SHOWS with INCOMPREHENSIBLE PLOTS, which you understand completely and you like to POINT THIS OUT to everyone who doesn’t. You are KIND OF A DICK.
You are also a NOTORIOUSLY POWERFUL PSIONIC, which is another reason you really cannot stand the sight of yourself. You have had to suffer through the voices of the IMMINENTLY DECEASED for six sweeps now, which you deem somewhat close to ADEQUATE PUNISHMENT.
Your trolltag is codingGenius and you U2E CODING 2LANG WHENEVER IT OCCUR2 2 YOU 2 DO 2O. YOU AL2O REALLY LIKE THE NUMBER 2.
Did you mention that you HATE yourself yet? Because you TOTALLY DO.
You have very few friends because almost everyone who knows you HATES YOU or at the very least SERIOUSLY DISLIKES YOU, as they damn well should.
Almost everyone, that is. There is one girl who knows exactly what you did and somehow still likes to talk to you. At least, you think she knows. You explained it to her, after all. It is entirely possible that she forgot, though. She is kind of a doofus. Most of the time.
She calls you ‘Karkles’ in whatever retarded typing quirk she is using that day. You swear she switches it up just to annoy you.
As it happens, she is contacting you right now.
Karkat: Answer GC
-- gloweringColorist [GC] began trolling codingGenius [CG] --
CG: OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THE PURPLE WORD2 THAT IN NO WAY RE2EMBLE MY ACTUAL NAME.
CG: WHAT CODE YOU PO22IBLY WANT?
GC: 1 W$s jUSt
CG: OH BOY HERE WE GO.
CG: GO AHEAD TZ.
CG: TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT IT I2 THAT I2 ON YOUR MO2T LIKELY DECEA2ED MIND.
CG: I CANNOT WAIT 2 HEAR WHAT YOU’VE 2PEND THE LA2T 2 HOUR2 THINKING ABOUT.
CG: ALTHOUGH I GUE22 I’M GOING 2 HAVE 2 WAIT FOR A LONG TIME, 2INCE YOUR RETARDED TYPING QUIRK I2 TAKING YOU EVEN LONGER 2 FORM A COHE2IVE 2ENTENCE THAN U2UAL.
GC: shut up
GC: ! Was WOnd#RinG
GC: YouR #y3S Sm3LL fuNNy
CG: THAT’2 NOT WONDERING ANYTHING, YOU DUMBA22.
CG: THAT’2 JU2T ANOTHER RANDOM THOUGHT THAT 2OMEHOW FOUND IT2 WAY 2 THE BARREN WA2TELAND THAT I2 YOUR THINK PAN AND COULDN’T E2CAPE ON TIME.
CG: MAYBE YOU WERE WONDERING ‘WHY’ MY EYE2 2MELL FUNNY?
GC: th$T is #XacTLy
GC: wH$t 1 W$s wONd3R!ng
CG: IT’2 BECAU2E I AM A TOTAL FREAK AND AN ABOMINATION 2 TROLL CULTURE IN EVERY WAY PO22IBLE.
CG: I GUE22 THAT MEAN2 I’M ALMO2T A2 WEIRD A2 YOU ARE.
GC: ! L1k# W31RD
GC: w3!Rd 3QU4lS FunNY 4nD Th4T !s 4 F$ct TH4t !S trU#
CG: AND THAT I2 THE LONGE2T 2ENTENCE YOU HAVE TYPED IN 2 WEEK2.
CG: I AM IMPRE22ED.
GC: yoUR l1#S sm#Ll v#Ry
CG: WHAT WA2 THAT?
CG: DID YOU JU2T 2PELL THE WORD ‘INTOXICATING’?
CG: BECAU2E THAT JU2T 2EEM2 2O GODDAMN IMPROBABLE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE 2 2TART.
CG: YOU’VE BEEN TALKING TO KANAYA ‘THE DICTIONARY’ MARYAM AGAIN, HAVEN’T YOU?
CG: DON’T AN2WER THAT.
CG: YOU DON’T NEED 2 TELL ME.
CG: LOOK, 2HE I2 A VERY NICE GIRL AND I KNOW HER VERY LARGE WORD2 MU2T BE ENTICING TO YOU.
CG: YOU CAN ADD ‘ENTICING’ TO YOUR VOCABULARY NOW, 2.
CG: BUT I KEEP TELLING YOU IT’2 REALLY CREEPY WHEN YOU 2UDDENLY 2TART THROWING WORD2 LIKE THAT AROUND.
CG: IT’2 LIKE YOU CODE ACTUALLY CHALLENGE ME INTELLECTUALLY AND WE BOTH KNOW THAT’2 JU2T GOING 2 BE AN EMBARA22ING DI2PLAY FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED.
CG: BUT MO2TLY YOU.
GC: i am not stupid
GC: dONt yOU th!Nk tH# woRD 1nTOx1C$t1NG
GC: sm#Lls #XacTLy l!K3 yOU woULd 3XP3cT
GC: FroM Th3 WOrd !NtoX!c4T!ng?
CG: I CAN’T 2MELL WORD2.
GC: soUNds? >:?
CG: YOU ARE NOT GOING 2 WRITE THAT ENTIRE THING AGAIN, REPLACING ONLY THE WORD ‘2MELL2’ WITH THE WORD ‘2OUND2’.
GC: DOnt YOu tH!nk TH3 wORd 1NTox!C4t!Ng
CG: YE2, I GUE22 IT DOE2 2OUND EXACTLY LIKE THAT.
GC: D1d yOU knOW th$T th#R3 1S $ woRD foR Th4T?
GC: !t 1S OnoM$toPO31$
CG: THAT I2 FUCKING FA2CINATING.
CG: PLEA2E ENLIGHTEN MY CAREFULLY ENGINEERED 2CREEN WITH MORE RANDOM, UTTERLY POINTLE22 FACT2 ABOUT WORD2.
GC: Th4T !s pROb4Bly s$Rc4SM
CG: NO 2HIT.
GC: buT ! 4m GO1nG To cONt1NU3 4NYw4Y
CG: 2OMEHOW THAT I2 NOT AT ALL 2URPRI2ING 2 ME.
CG: A2 IT HAPPEN2 I HAVE 2EEN THE ERROR OF MY WAY2 AND I 2UBMIT 2 YOUR 2UPERIOR KNOWLEDGE IN THE WORDIC DEPARTEMENT.
CG: AND IF YOU DECIDE 2 UNLEA2H THE CREEPY VOICE ON ME I AM LEAVING.
GC: you will not leave until i am finished
GC: You KNow ! C4nT ConTRol TH4t >:[
GC: SOm3T!m3S ! juST f3#L r3$Lly $NgrY
GC: $nd !T juST h4PP3nS
GC: $nd TH3n ! F33L $lr!Ght $G41N
CG: YEAH I KNOW.
CG: I’M 2ORRY ABOUT THAT, OKAY?
CG: IT’2 NO MORE FUN FOR YOU THAN IT I2 FOR ME, I GUE22.
GC: !t 1S FunNY, 1n $ W4y
GC: B#c4US3 yOU 4cTU4lLy l!St3N
GC: $nd YOu dONt l!St3N V3rY Oft#N
CG: LOOK TZ, OUR EMPERROR I2 BOTHERING ME AGAIN.
CG: CAN WE CONTINUE THI2 LATER, PLEA2E?
GC: ok$Y k4RKl3S
GC: GooD LucK W1tH #qu!Us
-- codingGenius [CG] ceased trolling gloweringColorist [GC] –
You really have no idea why she bothers with you, really. There is honestly nothing about you that anyone could possibly like and one of the main reasons you feel that way is contacting you right now.
You wish you could let this asshole wait until his neural network explodes, but unfortunately you can’t do anything like that, because he would most likely just end up killing you for not being worth the trouble anymore.
Karkat: Answer Emperror
You might as well get this over with. You know what he’s going to ask of you. He always asks the exact same thing.
-- controllingTyrant [CT] began trolling codingGenius [CG] --
CT: 3---E Vantas.
CT: 3---E Vantas.
CT: 3---E Vantas i know y00 are there.
CT: 3---E I order y00 to answer me.
CG: I AM 2ORRY 2IR.
CG: I WA2 TALKING 2 THE 2UBJUGGLATOR.
CT: 3---E Oh.
CT: 3---E Well i suppose that is a%eptable.
CT: 3---E I have another request to make of y00.
CT: 3---E This is not a request y00 can refuse.
CG: YE2, 2IR, I HAD GATHERED THAT.
CG: I’M 2TARTING 2 NOTICE A PATTERN IN YOUR REQUE2T2.
CT: 3---E Do not talk back to me vantas.
CT: 3---E Y00 have no right to sp3---Ek to me unless i grant y00 permission.
CG: YE2 2IR.
CG: I APOLOGI2E 2IR.
CT: 3---E Apologies a%epted.
CT: 3---E Do not let it happen again.
CG: IT WON’T 2IR.
CT: 3---E Very g00d.
CT: 3---E I n3---Ed y00 to unblock me on his account again.
CT: 3---E I am certain y00 will be able to make it last longer than in your previous attempt.
CT: 3---E One might think that y00 are not doing your best.
CG: OF COUR2E I AM, 2IR.
CG: BUT I’M 2URE YOU’LL APPRECIATE HOW MY 2KILL2 HAVE IMPROVED.
CG: BUT MAY I A2K A QUE2TION, 2IR?
CT: 3---E Permission granted.
CG: WHY DO YOU 2TILL BOTHER WITH THI2 GUY?
CG: WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING INVOLVED 2O PER2ONALLY?
CG: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK I2 2TOPPING YOU FROM JU2T 2ENDING HER AFTER HIM AND ENDING THI2 COMPLETELY A22-BACKWARD2 CHARADE RIGHT NOW?
CT: 3---E I will not allow y00 to sp3---Ek like that to your superiors.
CT: 3---E And do not even bother apologising.
CT: 3---E I know you will not m3---En it.
CG: YE2 2IR.
CT: 3---E Those were thr3---E questions.
CT: 3---E Y00 will rec3---Eve an answer to none of them since my relationship with him is entirely private and none of your business whatsoever.
CG: 2IR, HE I2 MAKING A MOCKERY OF YOUR ENTIRE REGIME AND HE I2 THE ONLY REA2ON THERE I2 EVEN A REBELION LEFT.
CG: BUT, 2URE, WHATEVER 2INK2 YOUR PARTICULAR 2HIP, 2IR.
CG: IT’2 NOT MY BU2INE22, I2 IT?
CT: 3---E No it is not.
CT: 3---E Y00 w001d do well to remember that.
CT: 3---E As y00 w001d also do well to remember who is k3---Eping y00 safe.
CT: 3---E If y00 still harbor any intentions to join this rebellion remember what they know of y00.
CT: 3---E I am the only reason y00 are e%empt from the system.
CT: 3---E And for that i also protect y00 from those who hate y00 because of it.
CT: 3---E One w001d think y00 w001d be more grateful.
CG: I AM GRATEFUL, 2IR.
CT: 3---E G00d.
CT: 3---E Now get to it.
-- controllingTyrant [CT] ceased trolling codingGenius [CG] --
CG: GO FUCK YOUR2ELF YOU ENTITLED, OVERBEARING, 2MUG 2ON OF A FEMALE WOOFBEA2T’2 RECTAL CAVITY.
You hate Equius Zahhak almost as much as you hate yourself. He was the enabler to you ending up in this fucked up situation in the first place. You wish you could blame him for more, but you can’t. You know exactly who’s responsible for your situation and that’s you alone.
But that does not stop you from hating him. Too bad he’ll never hate you back, you guess. You’re just a pawn in his little game and pretty much expendable at that. You’re nothing to him and that just makes you so extremely PISSED OFF.
And being pissed off doesn’t stop you from doing what he asked of you, either.
God fucking damnit the voices are acting up again. That’s what being angry does accomplish for you.
Why don’t we go around being someone else?
Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA and you-
Hold that thought for a moment, motherfucker, someone’s trolling you.
Gamzee: Answer Emperor
-- controllingTyrant [CT] began trolling technicallyColorblind [TC] --
CT: 3---E Mister makara.
TC: hey there motherfucker.
TC: what’s up down under?
CT: 3---E I order y00 not to sp3---Ek like that to your superiors.
TC: no can do my main motherfuckin troll.
TC: i ain’t got any superiors.
CT: 3---E I do not think y00 quite understand.
CT: 3---E Regardless of who or what y00 are i am your superior.
CT: 3---E My b100d is pr00f of this.
TC: oh man is it?
TC: shit let me get right down to this whole worshipping the emperor business like every main motherfucker on this motherfuckin planet.
TC: equius, you don’t even know my motherfuckin blood and you sure as hell aren’t going to find out in the next motherfuckin couple of hours.
CT: 3---E Your continued lack of respect for everything i stand for is somewhat disconcerting.
CT: 3---E Although perhaps y00 should know y00 thank your continued e%istance only to me.
TC: man that ain’t even true.
TC: if it wasn’t for you i wouldn’t even be needing to thank my miraculous motherfuckin life to anyone.
TC: but hey, thanks for the memories and all that shit right?
CT: 3---E That is entirely untr00 and y00 are well aware of it.
CT: 3---E If i were not in charge as y00 s3---Em to wish someone else w001d be.
CT: 3---E And i can assure y00 that this other troll w001d not be quite as forgiving of your anti%.
CT: 3---E As it happens my second in command is e%tremely an%ious to find y00 herself.
CT: 3---E I am the only one stopping her.
CT: 3---E For now.
TC: oh man.
TC: YOU ARE THE RULING CLASS MOTHERFUCKER.
TC: SOMETHING TELLS ME YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN MOTHERFUCKIN JOB.
TC: YOU RULE, YOU SACK OF PURPLE MOTHERFUCKIN SHIT.
TC: THAT MEANS YOU GET TO CHANGE SHIT.
TC: THIS SHIT AIN’T DIFFICULT.
TC: THIS SHIT DON’T EVEN NEED A MIRACLE.
CT: 3---E Y00 seriously misunderstand the nature of my charity.
CT: 3---E I do not want a world in which trolls of lesser classes can live alongside those of higher status in peace and harmony.
CT: 3---E I am e%tremely pl3---Esed with the system as it e%ists right now.
TC: well i sure as fuck ain’t.
TC: i don’t really like being all oppressed and shit.
TC: pretty sure a lot of my most trusted motherfuckin allies agree with me on that particular motherfuckin nuance of your system.
CT: 3---E And as such y00 are an obstacle to be dealt with.
TC: man, you got your motherfuckin bro vantas wrapped around your shining little fin.
TC: not to mention that bitch of a serket.
TC: if you wanted me motherfuckin dealt with i would be motherfuckin dealt with already.
TC: so i’m not really getting the point of this conversation and shit.
CT: 3---E Once again y00 misunderstand me.
CT: 3---E Y00 are my personal enemy and i do not want y00 dead.
CT: 3---E As y00 pointed out i easily c001d if that was my desire.
CT: 3---E I want to see y00 hunted.
CT: 3---E Hunted by me alone and when i finally have y00 in my sights y00 will understand that i do not need any underlings to do my work for me.
CT: 3---E The ruling class e%ists for a reason.
CT: 3---E And that reason is me.
TC: you are so motherfuckin full of yourself it’s kind of embarrassing.
TC: i’m not saying i don’t appreciate the effort you’re putting in this whole obsidian relationship we’ve got going, but sometimes i feel real motherfuckin sorry for you.
TC: because you just don’t motherfuckin understand.
TC: i don’t understand shit either.
TC: not yet, i guess.
TC: but at least i don’t motherfuckin pretend i have it all worked out.
CT: 3---E Y00 think this entire time i have been lying to myself about my own philosophy.
CT: 3---E That e%plains a lot i must admit.
CT: 3---E But it is incorrect.
CT: 3---E I am not pretending.
TC: that don’t even motherfuckin matter, equius.
TC: because in a few hours this whole motherfuckin situation is going to change.
CT: 3---E What.
CT: 3---E Elaborate.
TC: don’t have much to elaborate on, motherfucker.
TC: that’s pretty much all i’ve been told.
TC: there’s a conspiracy running through your ranks, brother.
TC: and with just a single push your empire is going to fall down to its pathetic motherfuckin knees.
TC: AND I WILL HAVE FRONT ROW MOTHERFUCKIN SEATS, YOU SEABREATHING FISHFACED MOTHERFUCKER.
TC: YOUR DEMISE WILL BE GLORIOUS AND I WON’T EVEN HAVE TO LIFT A MOTHERFUCKIN FINGER TO DO IT.
TC: IT’S ALREADY STARTED MOTHERFUCKER.
TC: THE PIECES ARE ALREADY IN PLACE.
TC: AND SOON THE FIRST STONE WILL BE TIPPED.
TC: REPENT, MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE END IS NIGH.
CT: 3---E And the most entertaining part about this rant is that y00 s3---Em to bel3---Eve every single word of it.
CT: 3---E Y00 do not possess the power to initiate such a large-scale event.
CT: 3---E And neither do your allies.
CT: 3---E Your threats are empty mister makara.
CT: 3---E Empty and misguided.
CT: 3---E I have already won.
TC: you know what motherfucker?
TC: i’m not even going to motherfuckin block you.
TC: just so i can watch you realise how motherfuckin mistaken you really are.
TC: i’m already looking motherfuckin forward to the breaking of that calm motherfuckin persona you’re so motherfuckin fond of.
TC: rule it, motherfucker.
TC: it’s the last chance you’re ever going to get.
-- technicallyColorblind [TC] ceased trolling controllingTyrant [CT] --
You have to tell your kismesis what’s up on the motherfuckin planning board, after all.
Gamzee: Introduce Yourself
Right, your name is GAMZEE MAKARA and you are a really BUSY MOTHERFUCKIN TROLL. You decide to leave the cursing out of your introduction to make it less tedious to read through.
You have been ON THE RUN for about a sweep now, ever since THE REBELLION started. It really doesn’t bother you very much, though, because you LIKE TO TRAVEL and visit all of your devout followers. You do not have many yet, but you HAVE PATIENCE, although you’ve been assured that DOES NOT MATTER anymore.
You are a member of an OBSCURE CULT that has RECENTLY GONE SOMEWHAT MAINSTREAM and you take your beliefs VERY SERIOUSLY. This cult puts strong faith in MIRACLES but you know that, sometimes, you just have to MAKE YOUR OWN. It also believes that, technically, the Hemospectrum IS IRRELEVANT, for various reasons. This is also why you are keeping your BLOOD COLOR SECRET, among other reasons. Your kismesis knows all of this.
You also like to PLAY MUSIC every once in a while, although this is really none of ANYONE’S BUSINESS and you would prefer it if you did not have to mention this again.
Your trolltag is technicallyColorblind and you are totally motherfuckin chill UNTIL YOU GET SERIOUSLY MOTHERFUCKIN INVESTED.
There are a lot of things about to happen that you think we aren’t ready to see yet, so you kindly suggest we go be some other motherfuckin troll for a while, okay?