Chapter 1: Prologue
ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:31
EB: you know, karkat, you should write it all down.
EB: everything that’s happened, i mean.
EB: write it down!
EB: you should!
EB: i don’t think our movie is…
EB: to explain everything that happened this past year.
EB: so you should write down everything that happened.
CG: WHY WOULD I WANT TO?
CG: FOR THE MOST PART, THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR SUCKED ASS.
CG: IT SUCKED ASS LIKE A GOD DAMN LEECH ON THE ASSCHEEK OF A SWEATY, OBESE LOSER.
CG: WHY DO I WANT TO SHARE THAT?
CG: I’M ALREADY REGRETTING WE THAVE TO TURN THE MOVIE IN.
EB: the year didn’t COMPLETELY suck!
EB: i mean
EB: you’ve got me, right?
CG: I FUCKING HATE IT WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT, JOHN.
CG: FINE, I’LL WRITE IT ALL DOWN.
CG: DON’T BLAME ME IF IT’S CRAP.
CG: BUT I WILL.
CG: HAPPY NOW?
EB: i can’t wait to read it!
EB: bye, karkat!
EB: see you later!
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 15:44
CG: . . .
carcinoGeneticist [CG] has signed off
I’m Karkat Vantas, and…
This shit is gonna end up sounding like a shitty rom-com plot no matter what I do, isn’t it?
Not that those shitty rom-com plots are bad, I just…
Don’t want this to suck.
I mean, despite how bad it sucked, this past year…was pretty much the most important fucking year of my entire life.
So let me start the fuck again.
I’m Karkat Vantas.
I’m 20, and I’m in my sophomore year of college. I’m majoring in psychology – hey, all those shitty rom-coms I’ve watched near constantly were good for something – and I’ve got a minor in film studies.
The third or fourth week of freshman year, our psych class was assigned a year-long project- any medium, any format, blah blah blah. Just had to have something to do with psychology.
I, in my infinite fucking wisdom, decided to make a movie.
I had a couple friends, Sollux Captor, Gamzee Makara, and Terezi Pyrope, who knew other friends, and all of them were just one big pile of gunpowder-flavored relationship drama just waiting for someone to drop a match.
I figured I could make a movie about the wacky hijinks that were sure to ensue in the explosion. At the very least, I’d get a good laugh.
Not so bad so far, huh?
Well, get a load of this epic fucking move-
I recruited someone to help me- John fucking Egbert, a guy in my film studies class, a real dweeb. I mean serious fucking loser territory. Loved bad movies almost as much as I do, but he didn’t have any of my redeeming qualities to back it up. Buck-toothed, four-eyed fuckass.
And I was pretty much in the middle of a massive, stupid-as-fuck crush on the guy.
The ensuing chaos was more than any of the sixteen of us involved could’ve ever bargained for.
It involved break-ups, reconciliations, dick moves, best friends going homicidal, hospital visits all around, lessons learned the hard way, lots of tears, just as much laughter, and my past coming back to bite us all in the ass.
In the end, though, I guess it all fucking worked out.
And lucky you, you get to read about it in all the gory details, straight from yours truly.
Hope you fucking enjoy it.
Chapter 2: September - 1
Like I said, it was around the third week of freshman year when we were assigned that fucking project.
When the professor first assigned it, I honestly had no clue what the hell I was gonna do with it. So I was pretty fucking grumpy the rest of the day.
Grumpier than usual, of course. I’m always pissed the fuck off. It’s part of my charm.
Anyway, being pissed off, I took it out on my best friends. As usual.
We were sitting in the campus café, eating whatever 15 bucks could buy us all. Broke college students, what a cliché.
“KK, what’th eating you thith time?”
Sollux looked at me over his sunglasses. He’s a year older than me, but still a freshman. He’s majoring in computer science, a real geek. I don’t even know how the hell we became friends; we’re both pretty much pissy anti-social assholes.
Then again, I probably would have punched his face in a long time ago if he were anyone else.
“Fucking psychology professor assigned us a year-long project. No idea what the fuck I’m gonna do, and he didn’t give me any fucking ideas.”
Sollux laughed. “KK, you’re thmart. Don’t get your pantieth in a bunch, you’ll figure thomething out.”
“Fuck you, Sollux. You could help, ass-wipe.”
“Aw, c’mon, man…Sol-bro’s right.”
“Fuck you, Gamzee, I didn’t ask you. You’re too stoned to be any good source of assistance.”
Gamzee grinned and popped open a can of soda. He’s my age, and he’s a sound production major. Probably the only thing he could do while being stoned out of his mind most of the time. I have even less of a clue why he’s my friend, but I put up with him anyways.
“Oh, fuck, Gamzee, why are you drinking that shit?”
He just grinned that happy little stoner grin and downed the Faygo. He is the only person I have ever met that can stand the stuff.
“S’good shit, bro. Makes miracles happen. Y’know?”
“Don’t know, don’t care.”
Sollux interrupted. “KK, you know you’re ripping your napkin into little tiny pietheth, right?”
I looked down, and yeah. I was.
Sollux rolled his eyes behind his shades. “Why don’t you make thome kind of movie? You’re a film thtudieth major, right? Do what you’re good at.”
Well, I hadn’t thought of that before. Which was fucking stupid- I should have.
“Oh. Well, I was totally going to say that. Fuck you for saying it first, Sollux.”
“Sure you were, KK. Suuuuuure you were.”
“Wait. Fuck, what the hell am I going to make a movie about?”
Gamzee was the one who answered me this time.
“Uhhhh….bro? Why don’t you do it about us?”
“What, ‘The Life and Times of a Bunch of Fucking Crazies?’”
“No, no…I mean, I know a couple other bros, and Sollux and his girl know a few, and I bet Terezi knows some…you could make a movie about all of us.”
“Doing what? Banging each other senseless? Partying like morons? Whatever else a bunch of idiot college freshman do?”
Sollux looked up from his coffee. “Wait, that’th a great idea, KK.”
“….What the FUCK?”
“No, no… my friendth and Terezi’s friendth , we all have thome relationship issueth going on. Why don’t you make a movie about that?”
You know, that actually wasn’t a bad idea.
“Hey, you know…that’s a good idea. Fuck you for thinking of it.”
“Oh, come on, KK, you’d be hopeleth without me and you know it.”
“I know. Fuck you.”
He laughed at me, and I threw my massacred napkin at him.
“Oh, no, I’m tho thcared! It’th a napkin!” He grinned. “You know you’re not gonna be able to do thith all by yourthelf.”
“Fine. I’ll drag some shmuck from film studies into this shit. He probably knows some people too.”
He chuckled. “Wow, KK, I feel thorry for that guy.”
“Ha, you should.”
So, film studies. That’s where I made the first big mistake.
I recruited John Egbert.
Dweeby little guy – though he’s still fucking taller than me; I HATE being short – with glasses and an overbite that would make a dentist cry. He’s one of those overly friendly dorks who chats up everyone and thinks he’s funny. I hated him the moment I met him- one of those soul-consuming hates that you know is gonna last a lifetime.
Yet somehow, I still managed to develop a crush on the asshole.
Twinkly-eyed son of a bitch up there must be laughing his ass off at the shit he manages to make my life into.
Anyway, as soon as class is over, he bounces – yes, fucking bounces – up to me.
“Hi, Karkat! What’s up?”
“Oh, God, it’s you. What the fuck do you want, Egbert?”
He smiled that derpy little buck-toothed grin at me. God damn it, I hate it when he does that. “Well, my friend Dave told me that his sorta-friend Gamzee said you were making a movie.”
“…I’m going to fucking kill him.”
“Aw, come on. That’s really cool! Can I help?”
“Yeah! I’d love to make a movie! Besides, all of my friends know a bunch of yours, so I’d be in it anyways.”
This was news to me.
“Yeah! Rose is friends with a girl named Kanaya, who knows Terezi. Her brother Dave is dating Terezi, and my sister Jade is really good friends with Feferi and Aradia, and they both know Sollux.”
“Wait, what the fuck? Terezi has a boyfriend?”
She didn’t even tell me. What kind of fucking friend is that?
“Uh…yeah. She didn’t tell you?” He looked really embarrassed. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to upset you or anything, Karkat.”
Hell, does he have to do that?
“Don’t fucking sweat it, Egbert. It’s not your fault. Look, I was gonna ask you to make the movie with me anyway. I can’t do this shit all by myself.”
I swear Egbert lit up like a fucking street of houses decked out for Christmas with enough lights to burn out the rest of the city.
“Really?! Awesome! Thanks, Karkat!” he paused, then dug out a scrap of paper from his bag and scribbled something on it. “Here’s my Chumhandle- you have Pesterchum, right?”
“Okay, cool. So yeah, here’s my Chumhandle. Message me or something when you have stuff set up for filming, okay?”
I took it. “Alright, Egbert. Will do.”
He smiled, and bounced out the door. I stared after him, amused, and then shook my head.
“Fuck. Why the hell is he so fucking friendly all the time?”
And cute. But like hell I would ever say that out loud.
And so it began…
twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 20:24
TA: hey KK.
TA: 2o how’d iit go?
TA: wiith that Egbert guy ii mean.
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: I MEAN IT, SOLLUX.
CG: FUCK YOU.
CG: YOU ASSHOLE.
TA: haha wow thii2 agaiin?
TA: what happened, KK?
CG: EGBERT KNEW.
CG: APPARENTLY GAMZEE IS BUDDIES WITH EGBERT’S FRIEND DAVE.
CG: WHO IS APPARENTLY DATING TEREZI.
CG: DID YOU KNOW THAT?
CG: BECAUSE I DIDN’T.
TA: oh, 2triider?
TA: yeah ii knew.
TA: ii know him two
TA: diidn’t 2he tell you?
CG: NO I FUCKING DID NOT.
CG: THANKS SO FUCKING MUCH
CG: FOR TELLING ME.
CG: I REALLY FUCKING APPRECIATE IT.
CG: SHE DIDN’T SAY A THING.
CG: WHAT AM I TO HER?
CG: FUCK, TO YOU?
CG: THAT ANNOYING BITCHY LOSER YOU JUST HUMOR ON OCCASION?
CG: WAY TO FUCKING MAKE ME FEEL SPECIAL, ASSHOLE.
TA: god, KK calm the fuck down ii’m 2orry, ok?
TA: ii 2wear ii thought 2he told you
TA: ii 2wear geez ii’m 2orry don’t get all butthurt and 2elf-deprecating ok that’2 my job.
TA: 2top iit and talk two her.
CG: FUCK YOU, DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
CG: I ACCEPT YOUR DAMN APOLOGY, THOUGH.
CG: FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH.
CG: I’M GOING TO MESSAGE HER.
CG: SEE YOU TOMORROW?
TA: don’t get two biitchy at her, ok?
TA: ii’m 2ure 2he had a reason whether iit’2 a good one or not ii2 a different 2tory but whatever
TA: 2ee you
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 20:57
Chapter 3: September - 2
And this is the end of September. Next, October and the Intro Party! That's where you'll meet our cast properly, and discover race and appearance of all the human trolls! :)
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 21:06
CG: HEY, TEREZI
CG: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
CG: LIKE, NOW.
CG: I FUCKING MEAN IT.
CG: I AM ANGRY AND HURT AND REALLY, REALLY NOT AMUSED.
CG: I MEAN SERIOUSLY.
CG: MY FEELINGS ARE HURT.
CG: I DON’T THINK THEY MAKE BAND-AIDS FUCKING BIG ENOUGH.
CG: I MEAN WE’RE TALKING POSSIBLY THE SIZE OF A STATE HERE.
CG: MINIMUM OF OKLAHOMA.
CG: MAXIMUM, PROBABLY MONTANA. THAT’S PRETTY BIG AND SQUARE.
CG: I NEED A COUPLE OF THOSE.
CG: OR, ACTUALLY, PROBABLY AN AMBULANCE NOW.
CG: MY FEELINGS ARE BLEEDING OUT ALL OVER MY FLOOR.
CG: IT’S PRETTY MESSY.
CG: BLOOD ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE. IT’S LIKE A GIANT FOOT STEPPED ON A TUBE OF RED PAINT THE SIZE OF GAMZEE’S HIDEOUS COUCH.
CG: OH, SHIT, THEY’RE BLEEDING OUT.
CG: I THINK THEIR CONDITION’S HIT CRITICAL.
CG: CALL THE POLICE, IT MIGHT BE A HOMICIDE.
CG: I DON’T THINK THEY’RE GOING TO MAKE IT, TEREZI.
CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?
GC: WOW, K4RK4T.
GC: YOU SOUND UPS3T.
GC: WHAT H4PP3N3D?
CG: WHAT HAPPENED?
CG: WHAT HAPPENED?
CG: FUCK YOU FOR EVEN ASKING, TEREZI.
CG: I MEAN IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT.
GC: 1T 1S?
GC: WH4T D1D 1 DO?
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.
CG: I MEAN, IF YOU DIDN’T
CG: I’D BE REALLY FUCKING SURPRISED.
GC: OK OK
GC: FOR TH3 S4K3 OF 4RGU3M3NT, 3NL1GHT3N M3.
GC: WH4T D1D 1 DO?
CG: IT’S MORE LIKE WHAT YOU DIDN’T DO
CG: SAY, FOR EXAMPLE
CG: TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR NEW FUCKING BOYFRIEND.
CG: WHAT’S HIS NAME?
CG: DAVE STRIDER?
CG: YEAH, HIM.
CG: THANKS FOR TELLING ME ABOUT HIM.
GC: OH, D4V3! >:]
GC: Y34H, H3’S MY BOYFR31ND.
GC: 1 R34LLY D1DN’T T3LL YOU, D1D 1?
GC: 4R3 YOU R34LLY M4D?
CG: YES, I’M REALLY MAD.
CG: DID YOU EVEN HAVE TO ASK?
CG: I MEAN, SCROLL UP. READ THAT. THEN ASK YOURSELF
CG: ‘HM, I WONDER IF KARKAT’S A LITTLE BIT PEEVED?’
CG: ‘HM, PERHAPS. I MEAN, HE IS GETTING RATHER LONG-WINDED.’
CG: FUCK YOU TEREZI.
CG: I THOUGHT WE HAD AN UNDERSTANDING.
CG: I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST PERSON YOU TOLD.
CG: NOT FUCKING SOLLUX.
CG: SOLLUX, FOR GOD’S SAKE.
CG: THAT’S NOT FUCKING OKAY.
GC: W3LL, 1F YOU MUST KNOW, K4RK4T.
GC: 1 D1DN’T T3LL YOU
GC: B3C4US3 1 THOUGHT YOU’D G3T 4NGRY.
GC: 1 THOUGHT YOU’D B3 4NGRY W1TH M3 FOR ST4RT1NG 4 N3W R3L4T1IONSH1P.
GC: YOU KNOW 1’M R1GHT.
GC: YOU WOULD H4V3 B33N 4NGRY, WOULDN’T YOU? T3LL M3 1’M WRONG.
CG: YEAH, OKAY
CG: YEAH, I WOULD HAVE BEEN ANGRY.
CG: BUT THAT DOES BY NO MEANS MEAN
CG: YOU TOTALLY FORGO TELLING ME.
CG: BECAUSE NOW I’M ANGRIER.
CG: AND HURT. HURT TOO.
GC: OK4Y, MY B4D.
GC: BUT R34LLY, K4RKL3S, YOU’R3 NOT M4D NOW?
CG: NO, ACTUALLY.
CG: I’M GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS ASSHOLE ANYWAY, NOW.
CG: MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO THE FUCKING IDEA NOW.
CG: OKAY, CORRECTION.
CG: I’M STILL PISSED AS FUCK.
CG: BUT I’LL DEAL WITH IT.
GC: WH4T DO YOU M34N, YOU’R3 GO1NG TO B3 D34L1NG W1TH H1M?
GC: WHY? >:?
CG: OH, RIGHT.
CG: I DIDN’T TELL YOU.
CG: WHAT IRONY.
CG: I’M MAKING A MOVIE FOR PSYCHOLOGY CLASS.
CG: IT’S GOING TO BE ABOUT YOU IDIOTS AND YOUR IDIOTIC RELATIONSHIPS.
CG: BECAUSE THAT’S GOING TO BE EXCITING!!!
GC: OH, COOL! >:]
GC: SOUNDS L1K3 FUN, K4RKL3S!
CG: OH GOD STOP CALLING ME THAT.
CG: BUT YEAH, WHATEVER.
CG: WE’RE DOING THIS MOVIE.
CG: GET READY FOR IT, OKAY?
CG: I’LL LET YOU KNOW.
GC: 1’LL T3LL D4V3 >:]
GC: BY3 K4RKL3S!
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGenetisist [CG] at 21:38
I signed off from talking to Terezi still pretty angry. She and I were complicated. We sort of had a thing, once. I’m not even sure what kind of thing, or even if it WAS a thing. But we had something for a little while, and we were really damn close. She’s my age, a law major, and one of those grating people that you have to get used to to be able to stand being around. King of like me, I guess.
After Sollux, Gamzee, and Terezi, I really didn’t have anyone else to get in touch with, so I pulled out the scrap of paper John gave me with his Chumhandle on it.
“ectoBiologist, huh. Sounds stupid.”
I messaged him anyway.
: carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 21:42 :
CG: HEY, EGBERT.
CG: IT’S KARKAT.
CG: YOU THERE?
EB: oh, karkat!
EB: what’s up?
EB: are we gonna get started?
CG: YEAH, WE ARE.
CG: DID YOU TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS?
EB: dave already knew, of course
EB: but I told rose and jade, and they’re cool with it
EB: rose said she’d pass the message on to kanaya
EB: and jade will pass it on to her friend nepeta
EB: and rose said kanaya knew vriska and terezi, so that’s taken care of
EB: and jade knows aradia and feferi, and they know your buddy sollux right?
CG: YEAH. ARADIA IS SOLLUX’S GIRLFRIEND, AND HE’S FRIENDS WITH FEFERI.
CG: I GUESS THROUGH FEFERI WE’LL GET THAT DOUCHEBAG ERIDAN, TOO.
CG: AND GAMZEE WILL DRAG HIS FRIEND TAVROS INTO THIS.
EB: yeah, and nepeta’s friend equius, too
EB: so how many people does that make?
CG: LET’S SEE. WE’VE GOT
CG: ME, YOU, YOUR THREE FRIENDS, SOLLUX, ARADIA, GAMZEE, TAVROS, TEREZI, VRISKA, KANAYA, NEPETA, EQUIUS, FEFERI, AND ERIDAN.
CG: THAT’S SIXTEEN.
CG: THAT’S A LOT OF FUCKING PEOPLE.
EB: wow, yeah…
EB: it’ll be fun, though!
EB: so how are we going to start this off?
EB: with a party or something?
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE HAVE A PARTY, EGBERT?
EB: well, duh :B
EB: we get everyone together for a party and film it!
EB: that way we can introduce everyone the movie’s gonna be about!
EB: like a meet the cast kinda thing
CG: SEE, THIS IS WHY I RECRUITED YOU.
CG: MASTER OF BRILLIANT AND STUPID IDEAS.
CG: WE’RE HAVING IT AT YOUR PLACE, GOT IT?
CG: YOU THOUGHT IT UP, YOU GET TO CLEAN THE FUCKING AFTERMATH UP AFTERWARDS.
EB: so when should we have it?
CG: I DON’T KNOW. WHAT DAY IS IT?
EB: september 24
CG: REALLY? OKAY. NEXT WEEK, THEN. WHAT WOULD THAT BE, OCTOBER FIRST OR SOMETHING?
EB: i think so
CG: OKAY. THAT WEEKEND, THEN. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
EB: will do! bye, karkat!
CG: SEE YOU LATER, EGBERT.
: ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 22:03 :