Oh, so happy New Year. It was pretty happy for me. Justin had a party and everyone was there. Justin’s parties are legendary and we all had a blast. All got shitfaced, too, even though a lot of people there weren’t legal. I swear, I thought Britney and Justin were gonna get it on underneath the dining room table!
Lance was there, of course. He looked SO sweet…he had on these black leather pants and a blue-grey sweater that seemed made for him. I just wanted to eat him with a spoon…like that’s any different then any other day. He gave me a hug at midnight, and all I wanted to do was kiss him. Why…WHY can’t I tell him how I feel? I get the feeling he’s gay, or at least bi. This secret girl, of his, this Laura…she’s a cover. I feel it.
Lance is so nice! He knew that I didn’t have anyone, and Chris’ date ditched out on him, so he took us out for dinner. The Sweethearts Without Sweethearts dinner, he called it. Chris went out the next day and got us all keychains that said SWS on them, and Lance and I cracked up. I found a heart-shaped box of candy in my duffel today…Chris had one too and we knew who it was from. Valentine’s Day is the lucky day for lovers, right? Did I tell Lance? No. Because I’m a sappy chickenshit.
Spring is springing up all over and we haven’t had time to notice. We are so damn busy. This tour is crazy but it’s gonna be awesome. May can’t come soon enough for me. Poor Lance still is struggling with the dance steps. Even Chris has them. Me and Justin have been staying a few hours extra to help him. Lance is so embarrassed. He’s cute when he’s embarrassed.
Joey and Kelly are fighting. Britney and Justin are fighting. Chris has found a dancer to screw. Laura and Lance? I have no clue. I’m just here playing the sympathetic friend. I wish Lance and Laura would fight. Then he could cry on my shoulder and I could tell him that someone DOES love him like a wonderful man like him deserves to be loved.
It’s Lance’s birthday today. He was surprised by the little gifts we got him. It’s harder now; we all have so much it’s almost impossible to find something new and different. But he had really liked this one painting that I showed him at a gallery last month, so I bought him a copy and had it framed really nice. He liked it.
I wonder if he liked the gold bracelet I shoved under his pillow? He doesn’t know who gave it to him and no one will come out about it. I like giving him surprises. It makes him smile.
I can’t believe I’m still writing in this thing. When Joey bought it for me for Christmas, I told him I didn’t have anything to say. By the amount of filled pages, I guess I had more to say than I thought. Writing has always been therapeutic for me…and I guess this is helping me deal with the loneliness.
And I am lonely. I have the guys, but I don’t have the one person I want most. He’s my best friend, he gives me hugs every time he sees me and he talks to me on the phone, but I am still holding back. Dammit. I need to tell him. I need to tell him that his smile is an addiction for me. I need to tell him that his skin looks so sweet, like peaches, and I want to taste it. I want to tell him that every time I make him laugh, it’s sugar to my Lance-addicted soul.
I cannot believe what I did today. We were in some city and I went shopping with a bodyguard. I was wandering around and ended up in this like odd adult store. They sold clothing as well as toys, and I was pawing through this clearance bin. Inside is a pair of light green thong underwear. MEN’S thong underwear. Of course, the color reminds me of Lance’s eyes, so I have to buy them. I locked the hotel room door, then I locked myself in the bathroom. I was blushing all over, but they fit. And maybe I even looked good in them. I wonder if Lance would think so? He would look sweet in a thong, I bet.
There’s only one thing I want for my birthday, and I know it will never be mine. I read back on this diary and realize I sound like a lovesick puppy. Ridiculous. Wake up, Chasez. Lance will never be yours. He’s way out of your league. Smart, savvy, handsome, sexy, fun, sweet. Not for you. I think I’m gonna go get drunk. Maybe I’ll wear my thong. Maybe I’ll get lucky and someone else can peel off the piece of fabric that matches Lance’s eyes. Maybe I’ll forget about Lance for five minutes. Well, at any rate, I’m gonna go get drunk.
“Lance? You coming? We’re gonna drag Jayce out for dinner,” Chris said, poking his head into Lance’s hotel room. Lance shoved the book under his leg. “If we can find him.”
“I’ll find him,” Lance said quickly. “Go wait with Joey and Justin.”
“Okay,” Chris said slowly, closing the door.
Lance picked the book back up and held it. He knew he never should have opened it in the first place. It said on the front, “JC’s Journal.” Joey had apparently had the front engraved when he gave it to JC. Lance should have stayed away. But he didn’t. He found it on the floor of the hallway earlier that day. JC and Justin had decided to switch rooms, and Lance assumed that JC didn’t even know it was gone yet.
Lance took a deep breath. JC was in love with him. For how long? Months, apparently, or even years. He needed to do something about it. But all he could do was sit there and hug the journal, a goofy smile on his face. JC. JC loved HIM. Then Lance frowned. JC was planning on going out and getting drunk…and possibly laid. That could NOT happen. No.
Lance shoved his feet into his shoes and grabbed the small journal. He shoved it into the waistband of his pants, pulling his shirt overtop. He went down the hall and knocked on JC’s door. “JC?”
“Yeah?” JC opened the door. “Oh, Lance, hey.”
“Wow.” Lance looked at JC’s tight jeans and blue shirt that matched his eyes. “You look nice.” He idly wondered if JC really did have the thong on under the pants.
“Yeah, I was, you know, going out for my birthday.”
Lance frowned. “We wanted to take you out.”
“I think I need to be alone tonight.” JC rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. “The big twenty-five and all.”
“Right. Hey, JC, before you go, I need to talk to you. Can I come in?”
“Sure,” JC said, moving away. Lance had to give JC credit. He didn’t give any inclination towards romantic feelings at ALL. Lance came in and closed the door.
“Look, JC, I…Okay. Um, see I thought…well…” Lance blushed and stopped talking. “Okay.” He inhaled deeply. “Do you have the thong on under there?” He blurted out, and wished the ground would swallow him whole.
“Do I what?” JC whispered. With shaking hands, Lance pulled out the journal and handed it to JC.
“I, I, uh, found this…in the hallway.”
“And you read it?” JC stared at Lance, his face growing pale.
“Yeah, some, and…shit, JC, I’m sorry.” Lance placed a hand on JC’s arm. “But I’m glad I did. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I thought you’d hate me,” JC mumbled.
“No…why would I hate you?”
“Because, you know, you’re not gay, and I am…and…” JC looked as if he was on the verge of tears.
“No…Jayce…I am…you were right. Laura’s just a friend…a cover.” Lance lightly touched JC’s cheek, then pulled back. “I can’t believe you’ve loved ME all this time!”
“I…well…” JC was confused and scared and elated and shocked. Lance wasn’t screaming at him. Lance wasn’t straight. Lance seemed happy to know that JC wanted him.
“It’s your birthday,” Lance said suddenly.
“Uh, yeah.” JC was even more confused.
“You said you only wanted one thing,” Lance reminded him gently. “If you go out with us, with ME, and you let us be your friends and take you to dinner, and you get a cake with candles on it, I guarantee you that if you make a wish, the wish I KNOW you wanna make…when you blow those fucking candles out, you’ll get your wish, Josh.” Lance’s lips trembled slightly. He was so nervous. “I almost wish it was MY birthday, because then my wish would come true, too.”
“YOUR wish?” JC whispered.
“On MY birthday, I wished for someone to love me and let me love them back. Someone I could trust, someone who could handle my life and still hold on, still be there for me.” Lance’s eyes danced over JC’s face. “And who better than someone who lives the exact same life.” Lance took JC’s hands and held them firmly. “PLEASE come out with us. PLEASE don’t go get drunk and be with someone else. Be with me.”
“Lance…” JC whispered. He took Lance’s hands and settled them on his waist, his hands running up Lance’s arms. He placed his hands on the back of Lance’s neck, and when their lips met, it was as sweet as JC knew it would be. As sweet as peaches, as sweet as Valentine candy, as sweet as the icing on the cake he’d get at dinner.