Things We Don't Let Thor Do
- Bake anything, particularly based on memories of Asgard. The mead-soaked pork pie caught fire. We like our oven.
- Play baseball, unless we take a field trip to a remote corn field. Six windows, Thor? Really? The windows were a block away!
- Discuss Odin with Bruce or the Hulk. It brings out Hulk's daddy issues. We don't need that.
- Go grocery shopping without Steve, Natasha or Agent Coulson. We all know why. Tony, I'm looking at you.
Steve Rogers and Tony Stark contemplated the smashed, smoking remains of the Papaya Dog on Ninth Avenue. "I never thought I'd say this," said Iron Man, "but this must be what being a parent feels like."
In front of what used to be the shop window, Thor brandished his hammer. "Defy the son of Odin, manlings?" he shouted, before returning to his tirade on the deceptive and unsatisfying merchandise at a pair of suitably cowed hot dog cooks.
"If Junior's last tantrum took out a whole papaya dog stand, yeah," said Captain America.
Iron Man shrugged. "Well, give the big guy his due, their mango juice drink wasn't much like mangos, you know," he pointed out.
Steve rubbed the side of his face as if he were in pain. "He has to stop zapping bad street food. He needs rules, Tony, stability," he said.
Thor's face lit up at something that one Papaya Dog clerk told him, and he trotted over to his teammates, calling to them. "Let us go to the Jamba Juice, for they do use the actual fruits of the tree!"
"I know," said Tony, "But c'mon. Can you say no to that face?"
Thor looked disappointed at the fact that the mission was coming to a relatively tidy close. His face fell almost comically at the possibility that they had won already. Expensive dresses were scattered everywhere, but so far, miraculously, nothing was broken. "Art thou certain, certain sure, that the place of Bergdorf has been cleared of yon koboldy wretches?" he asked. "We might search further, aye, and wreak open every hiding spot."
Clint and Natasha exchanged wild glances, as if to say 'You think of something!' and 'No, you!'
Clint patted Thor on the shoulder and decided go with the dealing with stoned teenagers approach. "You know, there's an IHOP over by NYU these days," Hawkeye suggested, " Let's let Fury finish cleaning up and get some waffles, what do you say?"
Thor beamed. "Forward to the place of waffles!" he proclaimed.
"Nice save," Black Widow muttered thankfully.
"That was good of you, Hulk," said Captain America, "Helping Thor figure out it was just Mirage's illusions and not Jane at all..."
The massive green thing shrugged, "Not hard. Thor make Hulk feel smart!"
Hunched over his battered cellphone, reassuring himself that his beloved was real, Thor clearly didn't notice he had bumped the end call button. "Jane! Jane!" he shouted, shaking it. " Accursed box, that you separate me from my beloved!" Thor snarled, and flung the phone into a nearby brick wall.
"Clean up on aisle four," sighed Iron Man.
"He's going to need another..." noted Captain America.
"I know," Iron Man said.
All was not well on the couch in the Avengers rec room. "Friend Clint, I would see Bourdain the intrepid taste the fruits of the forest primeval!" Thor remonstrated.
"It's a rerun, it'll be on again eventually," Hawkeye wheedled. "This is hockey!"
"I care not, I have claimed this place even for the better part of an hour. It is rightfully mine!" Thor said, crossing his arms.
"I know, Thor," said Pepper, still in her office suit, holding up a dvd box set. "Let's watch something we'll all like. How about Mad Men?"
Thor nodded happily, "I have great admiration for this Joan. Truly, she reminds me of my lady mother."
"Come!" said Thor, gesturing expansively toward the pool, and the people and floating toys within, "Let us battle the pool noodles!"
"Do you want to take this or should I?" asked Iron Man.
"I'll keep him from accidentally drowning Spider-Man if you distract him with World of Warcraft the next time we make a grocery list," said Black Widow.