The thing about it is, they stop by like it's no big deal around 5:34pm when they’re all finally packing up for the day. It’s been a really long day and Jake is looking forward to some quality not-being-at-work time, so he’s preeeetty much out the door.
The Captain, at one point, mentioned something about a nephew who worked at the VA stopping by and that seemed boring, so obviously Jake didn't pay attention to that shit at all.
Which is why when CAPTAIN AMERICA walks into the precinct, Jake staples his finger and doesn't realize it for like, six hours. He can only be happy that Scully and Hitchcock leave every day they can at 4:48pm so that they couldn’t bring shame upon the family.
"Hi, Uncle Ray!" the guy CAPTAIN AMERICA’s with says, smiling and hugging Captain Holt. The Captain's--not CAPTAIN AMERICA--patting the guy's back affectionately. Or at least, he's not telling them all to arrest him, which for Holt is pretty damn affectionate. Voluntary physical contact is a big deal in Holt's programming, as far as Jake's been able to figure out. "This is the friend I was telling you about," the nephew says, like he's not gesturing to CAPTAIN AMERICA. "This is Steve."
"Sir," CAPTAIN AMERICA says, shaking Holt's hand firmly, looking respectful and like the human equivalent of patriotism that he obviously is.
"I bet he tastes like apple pie," Charles breathes, and they all look over at him but he's just staring rapturously at CAPTAIN AMERICA. He is also probably 100% correct.
"Jesus, Charles," Jake hisses. "Have a little dignity." He leans over to Amy. "I bet he does, though. I bet he tastes like apple pie."
"I'm gonna find out," she says, chin set in determination.
"You're--seriously?" he asks, momentarily distracted from his objections because he's picturing it now, and he could be okay with this. That could be seriously hot.
"Obviously not in a--" she glares at him like he put those words in her mouth, which he most certainly did not. Also she's blushing which means she meant it 500%. "I'm going to show him around, though. Get some tips. I bet he has really great stories."
"Hahahahahaha. Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha," Jake says. "No."
"Why not? I'm the obvious choice to be the friendly face of our office. I'm up on you on cases closed," she taps her finger annoyingly on their chart, where under her name there are, in fact, two more closed cases than under Jake's name.
"Yeah," Jake agrees. "For now, I have--" He breaks off because he's noticed something. Because he's an eagle-eyed detective (eagles! So patriotic, he and CAPTAIN AMERICA are so destined to be BFFs). Rosa and Holt's nephew are eyefucking while Holt and CAPTAIN AMERICA have some conversation that Jake is too distracted even to pay attention to because this is great.
Jake has the greatest of plans. This plan will put all other plans to shame. This plan will be the god of all the plans that have been and will ever be. Jake will go down in history for this plan.
The plan is: help Rosa bag Holt's nephew, and then become CAPTAIN AMERICA'S new best friend. Given the way Rosa is eyeing the nephew right now it’s like she thinks he probably would look really good sprawled across what Jake assumes are black sheets in a California King sized bed. Obviously this means his plan has a one million percent chance of success.
Of course, Gina might be a problem, he thinks, glancing over at her. She’s filing her nails and shifting in her chair like she’s already picturing—NO NO JAKE ISN’T THINKING ABOUT WHAT SHE’S PICTURING. Ugh. No.
But yeah, no, she’s gonna be a problem.
Amy and Charles are doing that freaky twin thing they sometimes do when they're both so overwhelmed and awestruck that they just stand up at their desks, staring rapturously up at, well, whatever. Usually it's Holt with Amy but a couple times it's been a judge, and the time the FBI showed up doesn’t bear mentioning. Jake was washing the kiss-ass off of him for a week. That shit gets everywhere.
CAPTAIN AMERICA glances around after being introduced to Captain Holt. He shakes his hand and thanks him for his service and Jake wonders if he's always so serious. Jake bets he can cut loose though. Jake is going to find out.
Terry is glaring at them all with the DON'T EMBARRASS ME eyes, which is ludicrous. How could anyone embarrass themselves in front of CAPTAIN AMERICA?
Captain Holt introduces them to everyone. "Everyone," he says, "this is my nephew, Sam Wilson.” Jake has a small stroke. This guy is Sam Wilson AKA THE FALCON, and Holt is just...standing there. “This is his friend, Steve Rogers. He is also known as Captain America"--Jake shakes his head, Holt clearly doesn't give this the proper gravitas it deserves. He needs, as Gina would say, to capslock the hell out of that shit, son.
"Oh," Gina purrs. "We WILL."
Holt pauses and gives her a long look. "By making them feel welcome I feel i should specify: Do not offer them sexual favors of any kind. Do not attempt to give them alcohol poisoning."
"I'm sure no one was thinking that, sir," Terry lies through his beautiful face.
“I’m sorry I can’t make dinner,” he apologizes to CAPTAIN AMERICA and Sam Wilson AKA THE FALCON.
“Uncle Kevin’s office party is important,” Sam Wilson says. “We’ll just reschedule.”
“We were all going out for drinks,” Rosa says, though they weren’t, not at all. “You should come.”
“Yeah!” Amy says immediately. “I’m very thirsty.”
“Name of tonight’s inevitable sex tape,” Jake says, and Charles reaches out instinctively to pound it. So great.
They go out for beers.
"Just drink it," Sam Wilson (THE FALCON) says, handing a microbrew to CAPTAIN AMERICA, who eyes it with the kind of deep suspicion that old guy who lives on the corner of Jake's block eyes things with. It's simultaneously adorable and hilarious and Jake wonders if he's ever yelled at kids to get off his lawn. The guy's like, not even thirty but also a hundred. Jake's not clear on the math and also CAPTAIN AMERICA is making a face at his glass.
"Beer is better now," Sam argues, rolling his eyes and letting Rosa pull him closer. He’s practically in her lap.
"When I was 94 pounds and it did something for me it was fine," CAPTAIN AMERICA argues back. "Now it tastes like piss and what, blueberries? And it doesn't do anything."
He sighs the sigh of a man deprived of the ability to get wasted, and Jake wants to cry for him because that seems like just insult to injury.
"There were eagles in that sigh," Gina murmurs, reverential, giving her little stirrer thing a blowjob. It’s so gross.
“He’s always like this,” Sam Wilson AKA THE FALCON tells Rosa who smiles.
“You’re a good friend,” she says, and Sam Wilson looks like nobody has ever spoken such truth. Which is ridiculous because he’s friends with CAPTAIN AMERICA. Jake is going to be a way better friend.
"So. Aliens," Amy says, voice high and tight and she makes that face like she regrets everything, but Jake is wildly grateful because if she didn't say it he was going to and he can't look like a total loser in front of CAPTAIN AMERICA.
"Apparently real," CAPTAIN AMERICA agrees wryly.
"Must have seemed, you know. Like. Just. Really weird," Boyle says in the tone of voice he uses when he’s trying to be smooth, nodding and beaming. CAPTAIN AMERICA smiles at him, because Charles means so well and CAPTAIN AMERICA is obviously a good guy. Obviously. But also, you know, just nice. Like, a stand up guy. Polite.
"Well, I mean. I joined the army, grew a foot and a half and put on two hundred pounds, fought a guy who could peel his face off, and woke up in the future, so," CAPTAIN AMERICA shrugs one of his beautiful, beautiful shoulders. “Aliens seemed inevitable, when you think about it.”
"Red Skull really was a red skull?" Rosa asks, and CAPTAIN AMERICA looks at her. Jake wants to tell him that that's just Rosa's face, she's not being mean. She was wearing lipstick, earlier, Jake thinks, and then realizes that Sam Wilson’s lips are are very pretty shade of coral pink.
"Yeah," CAPTAIN AMERICA says. "I think the guy who wrote that first set of comics saw him."
And that has to be weird, right? To be a comic book hero. There's a Smithsonian exhibit, dozens of movies, two TV shows, and a comic series that's lasted since 1944, and that has to be weird. To wake up and have a couple years of your life immortalized.
"I'm sorry," Jake says, because this is getting maudlin and he can't have that. He is sitting with CAPTAIN AMERICA and THE FALCON and they are going to have a great time so help him god. "Did you say you can't get drunk?"
"Not off of this," CAPTAIN AMERICA says, glaring at the beer like it’s offended him.
"Charles, the black card, please," Jake says. "We're gonna get Captain America hammered."
Eight shots in, Jake is feeling his buzz and Amy is feeling CAPTAIN AMERICA's bicep. She’s concentrating really, really hard on it. Gina is not having shots, because she said something horrible about wanting to remember everything when she rides CAPTAIN AMERICA's face and Jake wanted to burn everything. Charles went three shots in with them and is now passed out, snoring softly. Jake smiles fondly at him, because it's been an exciting day and those tend to wear Charles out.
"It's just," Amy breathes, "How?"
"I work out," CAPTAIN AMERICA says, and then grins at himself, like it's ridiculous and no girl would ever buy the line and Jake thinks Amy's like, two seconds from proposing marriage. He doesn't mind. If Amy and CAPTAIN AMERICA get married then Jake will work with Mrs. AMERICA and that would be the absolute coolest. Maybe they’d even have threesomes sometimes. CAPTAIN AMERICA seems pretty cool. Also he thinks CAPTAIN AMERICA just made a pop culture reference and he doesn't know how he feels about that beyond the fact that it's fucking awesome.
"He shows off," Sam snorts, pulling away from Rosa where she’s sucking his face, and she leans in and goes for his neck instead. "Asshole does laps around you just to piss you off."
"I don't," CAPTAIN AMERICA obviously lies, and he doesn't even look apologetic. Jake is thrilled: what if CAPTAIN AMERICA is kind of an asshole? Then they can really be friends.
"He does," Sam tells Rosa, and she nods. He’s half in her lap, and Jake--just. Literally no one has game like Rosa Diaz. "He punches everlast bags and breaks the chain."
Amy's cheeks are flushing and Jake thinks Gina's probably like, 20 seconds from rubbing one out under the table, which is terrible and horrifying so he kicks her. She just smirks, unrepentant, but puts both her hands around the stem of her glass.
"That happened twice. The first time you weren't even there,” CAPTAIN AMERICA points out, downing the last shot.
"The second time I remember, though. It's a bitch to clean up," he confides in them, because apparently Sam Wilson (THE FALCON) likes to also try to go step-for-step with CAPTAIN AMERICA and is now kind of drunk. "You ever seen the inside of a Everlast bag?" he asks Rosa's breasts, and then tilts his head up to look at her.
"No," she says, and he nods complacently and CAPTAIN AMERICA actually rolls his eyes.
"Another round?" Jake asks brightly.
Rosa takes Sam Wilson home around 11:00.
As she guides him past, Sam holds out his fist and CAPTAIN AMERICA totally fistbumps him.
“You are so cool,” Jake blurts out, and CAPTAIN AMERICA blinks at him and then grins.
"I don't think I've ever seen her do that," Amy muses, her head pillowed on her arms, voice slurring. They should probably stop ordering drinks, but CAPTAIN AMERICA keeps on offering and who is Jake to say no to an American Institution? Although Amy's competitive streak will probably mean she winds up with alcohol poisoning, and Jake actually does want to remember everything, and, well, Jake keeps putting the drinks on Charles's credit card, so he probably shouldn't run up a tab of thousands of dollars. $1500 at the most. $2000 at the absolute most-most.
“I mean,” Amy says, lifting her head and blinking. “She doesn’t take them home so much as she takes them to hotels or the bathroom.
“Sam’s a good guy,” CAPTAIN AMERICA says, and then looks at his fingers. “I think it’s affecting me,” he says.
"Another round!” Jake calls out.
Charles makes snuffling noises.
“What the fuck,” someone says. Jake uses his fingers to pull his eyelids up because they’re stupid and not cooperating, and there’s a guy standing there, staring at them.
“I can get drunk!” CAPTAIN AMERICA tells the guy enthusiastically. “Also I called you a whole fucking lot and you didn’t come.”
“I know you can get drunk, we did that last weekend, and I also know you called a whole lot. Natasha says you’re a jerk,” the guy says. “Where the fuck is Wilson, he’s supposed to be watching you?”
“I don’t need watching, I’m not a child, asshole,” CAPTAIN AMERICA says, less enthusiastically. Jake might even call it a pout. “I’m heavy.”
“Yeah no shit,” the guy mutters, and then looks at Jake.
Jake is the last one standing. Gina took Charles home when it became clear his face was the only one she was going to be able to sit on, and Amy made a less-embarrassing-than-expected exit when she tried to stand up to go to the bathroom and her legs gave out on her. CAPTAIN AMERICA had laughed and then apologized, offering to take her home. She’d gone this fantastic shade of red that Jake wants to remember for all time. They’d gotten her into a cab and then Jake had ordered a beer and CAPTAIN AMERICA had nursed a alcohol-laden smoothie. It was so cool he didn’t care that it was a girlie drink. He was so cool.
“I’m his new best friend,” Jake tells the guy. “We’re besties.”
“That saves me so much aggravation,” the guy says, and CAPTAIN AMERICA makes a whining sound of protest, grabbing the guy’s leather jacket. He’s kind of--he’s kind of like the dude version of Rosa, Jake thinks. “Alright, asshole, let’s go, I got a cab waiting.”
Jake gets put into the back seat with CAPTAIN AMERICA and they both agree that this night was awesome.
“I got drunk!” CAPTAIN AMERICA tells the cranky guy, beaming at him. He’s leaning against him like he thinks he should be small enough to tuck up against him.
“I bet you used that Leoglas line, too,” the cranky guy says, and CAPTAIN AMERICA bursts out laughing and wiggles his fingers, looking at Jake.
“It’s affecting me,” he says seriously, and Jake laughs because that shit is hilarious--CAPTAIN AMERICA knows Lord of the Rings. Jake is seriously considering proposing marriage.
“You’re so great,” Jake tells him earnestly. “I like you.”
“Jesus Christ,” the cranky guy says, and CAPTAIN AMERICA elbows him.
“I like you too,” he tells Jake, and this is the greatest moment of Jake’s life. “Most people don’t want to get drunk, they want to tell dumb stories.”
“We also had to get Rosa and the Falcon laid,” Jake reminds him.
“He likes her a lot,” CAPTAIN AMERICA says seriously. “I’m going to be the best man at his wedding.”
“Hey, pal, where do you live?” the cranky guy demands, and Jake tells him. He and CAPTAIN AMERICA exchange phone numbers so that they can keep in touch. Mostly for the wedding, but also because now they're BFFs.
“I just think that Rosa’s not going to wear white at the wedding so Sam Wilson should,” Jake says.
“Sam looks best in a tux, though,” CAPTAIN AMERICA says. “it’s the 20th--no, it’s the 21s--no. It’s--”
“22nd,” the cranky guy sighs.
“It’s the 22nd century,” CAPTAIN AMERICA says. “They can wear what they want but I’m gonna be best man and you’re gonna be the maid of honor.”
“I have so much honor,” Jake agrees as the cab pulls up to the curb.
“This is you,” the cranky guy says. He’s not too bad, though, because he walks Jake up to his apartment and helps him inside, and Jake beams up at him.
“You’re very pretty for a guy,” he says earnestly, and the guy rolls his eyes and leaves.
“Oh my god,” Jake sighs as he falls into bed. “I’m in love .”