FIC: "Five Jobs Karl Urban Never Had (And One He Did)" - 1/1, KU/various, PG
Title: Five Jobs Karl Urban Never Had (And One He Did)
Pairing: Karl Urban, with Harry Sinclair, Orlando Bloom, Miranda Otto, David Wenham, Jensen Ackles, Eric Bana, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Viggo Mortensen
Summary: Six ficlets for Karl's birthday, all AU.
Disclaimer: Absolute, 100% fiction. I made up the whole thing.
Notes: For azewewish, yueni, glendaglamazon, loveflyfree, disc_sophist, and starrwisher. They're late, but better late than never, right? ;)
"No, no, no! I want him in the yellow! It will bring out that lovely sheen in his skin!"
"Yes, Mr. Urban," Harry murmured, head down in an effort to hide a smile. Years of working with Karl had made him immune to the temper tantrums.
"Sheen? Are you shitting me?" Orlando rolled his eyes, but held out his arms as assistants buzzed around him, removing the blue shirt and trousers he'd originally been handed. As they draped his nude form in the glowing yellow silk, he met Harry's amused eyes.
"You know how he is," Harry said, with a shrug. He grinned as Karl stalked across the room, already in the midst of another tirade, this one directed at an unfortunate lighting man who hadn't been quick enough to get out of Karl's way.
Orlando grumbled, holding perfectly still as fabric was tucked and pinned, then he put his hands on his hips and frowned at Harry. "I look like a banana."
"You look lovely," Karl said, popping up beside Harry and running a critical eye over Orlando. "But this..." And without saying what 'this' was, he stepped forward, hands flying as he rearranged folds and drapes. Finished, he stepped back, nodded. "Perfect!"
"So he says now," Orlando muttered, but flashed a bright smile as he linked an arm through Karl's
"Catty," Harry whispered, laughing when Orlando rolled his eyes again and swung his hips a little. "And people wonder why you're his favorite."
"You don't." Karl smirked a little as he looked over his shoulder at Harry, who was busy shoving the rest of the models into line.
"First hand experience," was all Harry said as he patted first Orlando's, then Karl's, ass, before pushing them both towards the runway.
(Miranda Otto, Dave Wenham; incorrigible pranks)
"Did you do that?"
Karl looked up, one finger pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, and gave Miranda his best innocent look. "Do what?"
"Insert that video clip of Dave into..."
"...the beta for the new game?" Karl shook his head and went back to his monitor. "Not me, love."
"...did I know?" Another shrug, this one accompanied by a grin and a sly wink. "No clue."
"...going to kill me? Possibly." Hazel eyes twinkled with amusement. "Made you laugh, though."
"Well, yes, but..."
"Karl, you bastard!" Dave's scream echoed through the room, and half a dozen heads turned as the other programmers figured out something had happened. Karl just grinned.
III. Texas Hold 'Em
(Jensen Ackles; shark)
"Read 'em and weep, boys," Karl said. He fanned his cards on the table in front of him and grinned at the resultant groans.
"Again?" Jensen studied his cards in clear disgust, then tossed them onto the table. "You've got the devil's own luck, man."
"Just a matter of knowing how to play the game," Karl said. He lit another cigarette after knocking back a shot of bourbon and raking the pile of money towards him.
"I know how to play," Jensen said, a touch of indignation in his voice as he shuffled the cards and started to deal.
"Knowing the rules isn't knowing how to play." Karl just lounged in his chair, white teeth gleaming in the blue smoke haze that hung under the exposed bulb dangling above their heads. One finger stroked the back of a card before he picked up the hand and looked at it. "Gotta know how to read people. Learn their tells."
"Still think you're cheating," Jensen said, not quite under his breath, and frowned when Karl laughed at him.
"That remark would get you killed in some circles," he said, tossing two cards aside and motioning for new ones. "And you're biting your lip. Again."
IV. South Beach
(Eric Bana; ocean)
"What was it this time? Little old lady with cramps? Kid out too far?"
Eric made a disgusted noise as he clomped up the stairs of the lifeguard tower. "Some daft old man was convinced a shark was about to eat him."
"A shark?" Long fingers pulled dark glasses down so Karl could look over the top of them, then he laughed. "Are you serious?"
"As a heart attack." Still looking disgusted, Eric tossed his float into the tiny room. He leaned against the rail, dark eyes studying the swimmers within their view. "Some kids were snorkeling near him, and he though their snorkels were...well, y'know."
Karl blinked, then barked out a laugh. "Never a dull moment."
"Not around here," Eric said, and grinned. "Tell me again why we do this?"
"The girls, mate. Look at 'em." Karl waved one hand in a wide arc and grinned. As far as they could see, scantily clad females of varying ages sprawled on the beach, working on their tans.
Eric snorted. "And here I thought it was because we were good Samaritans."
"Nah, I'm just here for the girls."
(Jake Gyllenhaal; jewelry)
"Try this one." Long, blunt fingers plucked a heavy silver ring from the tray.
Jake blinked, stared at the ring. It was an intricate design, almost Irish in the swirls and knots, and a large star sapphire is nestled in the center of it. He looked up into smiling hazel eyes. "Uh..."
"Go on," the man said, still smiling. He reached out to catch Jake's hand, sliding the ring onto his second finger. It was a perfect fit. "Knew it would fit. I'm a good judge like that."
Jake blinked again, entranced by the guy's easy nature and open smile. "This is..."
"Matches your eyes." It was as if the man wasn't paying the least attention to anything Jake said.
"...a little out of my budget," Jake finished, voice dropping with each word. A warm feeling swamped him when the man just smiled and winked.
"It's on the house."
"But you..." Jake couldn't the almost audible swallow when the man just laughed and produced a black and silver business card. He tucked it into Jake's shirt pocket.
"It's a gift. Call me sometime."
All Jake could do was nod as the man walked away. He pulled the card from his pocket and looked at it, eyes picking out the elegant silver lettering the spelled out "Urban Designs, Unique Jewelry". He shook his head as a smile formed. Just like him to be talking to the damn designer without knowing it.
VI. California Roll
(Viggo Mortensen; sushi)
"Good to know you're not completely hopeless."
"Bugger off," Karl laughed, tucking the chopsticks neatly between his fingers. He reached over to steal a bit of salmon roll from Viggo's plate.
"I was going to eat that."
"Well, now I am," Karl said, and grinned as he popped the morsel into his mouth. He chewed, swallowed. "Good."
"Glad you approve," Viggo said, dryly, rapping Karl's knuckles with his own chopsticks when Karl attempted to steal another piece of sushi. "You've got your own plate."
"Yeah, but yours looks better." The wide grin was unrepentant as Karl tossed back his cup of sake before pouring another. "Is that eel?"
Viggo poked at the piece in question. "I think so."
"No clue," Viggo laughed, transferring the bite from his plate to Karl's. "We ordered using the pictures, remember."
"Be nice if you could speak Japanese."
"Next time," Viggo said, laughing again when Karl just rolled his eyes.
"Hopefully they'll send some of the others with us for the next junket here."
"You're not enjoying having the hoards of Japanese girls all to yourself?"
"Don't look so shocked," Karl said, aiming a well-placed kick at Viggo's ankle. "I'll sick Orli on you."
"Is that supposed to scare me? He likes me better than you."
"Yeah, but you won't suck his dick," Karl said, with a sly grin, and looked entirely too pleased with himself when Viggo choked on his sake.