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T'Far Side o't'Cheese

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T'Far Side o't'Cheese

"Aye oop chuck," said Dr Maturin, catchin sight o' Jack Aubrey coomin int cabin.

"'Ow do, ar kid," replied Jack. "Summat oop wi thee? Tha's sat ere like piffy on a rock. Oh eck, ast seen t'time? Me belly thinks me throat's bin cut. Art ungry?"

"Aye, cud eat a buttered brick," said Stephen, e were fur clempt.

"Wha dost fancy, petal?"

"Butty'd be grand."

"Killick! Killick, thur!"

"Awreet awreet, awready ere wa'n I, fooksake. Owd onnabi', don' spit tha dummy out. Sir," muttered Killick, e were that fed up o' bein mithered by th'awd gits.

"Put t'kettle on an' mek us a brew, Killick. Wha's tha got ot fer tea, owt or nowt?"

"Them fookin rats et oop me barm cakes di'n they. Tha can ave oven bottoms wi th'end o' t'toasted cheese an' like it, I an't gorrowt else an' I en't made o' brass. Gerrem et."


"Is it eckerslike, tha numpty. Lancashire e'n' it, none o' that forrin muck, dunno where it's bin, bloody sheepshaggers."

"Grand. Ta."


The Far Side of the Cheese: The BBC Adaptation

(Just in case it's not completely clear.)

"Good day to you now, my dear," said Dr Maturin, seeing Jack entering the cabin.

"Good evening, brother," replied Jack. "Is something the matter? You are sitting there like someone who has temporarily mislaid their purpose. Goodness me, have you noticed the time? I'm quite hungry, are you?"

"Why yes, to the point where I could eat something quite unreasonable, were it sufficiently lubricated," said Stephen, who was indeed quite peckish.

"What did you have in mind?"

"A sandwich would be lovely."

"Killick! Killick, there!"

"All right, all right, I was already there, wasn't I, for goodness' sake? Show a little patience, there's no need to make a fuss, sir," muttered Killick, who was somewhat tired of being pestered by these old fellows.

"Bring us some tea, Killick. What do you have in the way of a hot evening meal? Is there anything?"

"Those naughty rats have eaten my bread rolls, but you can have flat bread-muffins with the last of the toasted cheese, and be grateful for that. There's nothing else, and to make anything would be wasteful. Please eat them up while they're hot."

"Is it Cheshire cheese?"

"Certainly not, don't be silly. It's the very similar variety that's made in the county next door, because we don't quite trust the agricultural folk who live to the south of the Mersey."

"Splendid. Thank you so much."