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Go the F--k to Sleep, Avengers

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Nick Fury was going to murder that god of mischief. Sure Loki was immortal, but he was Nick Fury; he'd find a way. He was good at all kinds of things, except, it appeared, child rearing.

Tony Stark was taking apart the TV. "Shit! Stop that!" Fury snatched the toddler's hands away from the wires. "It's bedtime."

"Not tired," Tony replied, like that settled everything. Fury hadn't believed there was a way Tony Stark could be more of a pain in his ass.

"Ah!" he yelped in an undignified way when Clint struck him in the back of the head with a Nerf blaster. He turned to glare at the boy who, just hours ago, had been one of his top agents.

"Sorry! I missed!" Clint said, and resumed his Nerd battle with Natasha, who made her stand behind the couch.

Little shit, he never missed.

"ALL RIGHT!" he called in his most commanding-officer tone. "You are all going to sleep, now."

Natasha and Clint whined. Bruce just blinked at him from where he was reading a large book that was definitely not age appropriate. Tony said, "I'm a genius so I should be allowed to stay up later!" Only little Steve listened to him at all.

The tiny captain had been drawing quietly since the whole "turned into babies" thing went down. Now he approached Fury with his work of art. "I drew you," he said, and handed him a portrait of a screaming one-eyed man with a pulsing vein in his forehead.

He had to admit, it was probably an accurate portrayal, but it didn't make Fury feel any better. He definitely wasn't putting this on the fridge. "NOW!" he yelled.

"You should read us a bedtime story," Natasha replied, reasonably. "That will make us sleepy since we're not now." She used this distraction to hit Clint in the face with a Nerf ball.

"Shouldn't we change into our pajamas?" Clint asked, recovering admirably. They probably should have, except the Avengers mansion didn't have a whole lot of toddler-sized clothing. Fury had made Thor go out and buy some t-shirts and pants before the god of thunder left to find his good for nothing brother. (The one thing that was more of a pain in Nick Fury's ass than Tony Stark? Naked baby Tony Stark.)

He brought comforters and pillows and blankets from all over the house. The kids curled up in their fuzzy nest. "Just get comfortable," Fury said, through clenched teeth.

But they did not sleep.

"Clint is touching me!" Natasha shrieked.

"Am not!" Clint retorted.

"Oh, Lord," Fury said. And he began to read from the book.

"The cats nestle close to their kittens,
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You are cozy and warm in your bed my dear
Please go the fuck to sleep.

"The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I'll read you one very last book if you swear
You'll go the fuck to sleep.

"The eagles who soared through the sky are at rest
and the creatures who crawl, run and creep..."

"I'm thirsty," Tony said, interrupting the story.

"I know you're not thirsty; that's bullshit!" Fury cried. "Stop lying. Lay the fuck down and sleep!"