Gabriel stood hesitantly at the doorstep of a small house in Nazareth. He sighed nervously before knocking on the door thrice and putting on his best smile. A young woman came to the door and opened it just slightly.
“Whatever you’re selling, we don’t want it,” she started to shut the door, but the archangel merely stuck his foot in the creak, like any smart person trying to sell something off.
“I’m not selling anything.”
“Oh, are you here to sing songs at me? Or preach? Because I really do not feel like listening to you, okay? Look, I just got married, I just moved, I want to go back in, make something hot to drink and lay on the sofa. So if you’ll please be off, then-”
“With God’s child. You are pregnant with God’s child,” loud thunder cracked in the distance even though it had been a perfectly sunny day, “Oh, do I really have to say it?” more thunder and some scary-looking lightning, “For crying out loud, Dad! Fine,” he raised a hand in some sort of salutation, “Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.”
Mary gave him a queer sort of stare as she struggled to close the door over Gabriel’s feet.
“Hey, I’m not finished yet! Rude. A-hem. Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS. He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David: And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end.”
The young god-bearer gawked as the archangel just stood there expectantly, “…Say what?”
“Oh, father, I knew this wouldn’t work! Okay. Here’s the thing. You’re preggers with God’s child and all, even though you’re a virgin, ooh, how mysterious and legendary, so then you’re gonna name the kid Jesus because nobody will ever make fun of him for that, oh, Heaven, no. He’s going to grow up, rule some Jacob or something and do some good stuff. Ka-peesh?”
“…Joseph, come here, this nutcase is shouting at our door!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. You don’t believe me, that’s cool. But look, I’m an angel, an archangel at that. I wouldn’t lie,” he rolled his shoulders and unfurled his massive wings. Mary shrieked and pushed the door open as she fell to the ground in shock. Gabriel’s face was then thoroughly ravished by the same door, “Ow. Ow, that hurt. On second thought, maybe I should’ve showed you the wings before I made the Annunciation…”
“What are you?!”
“An archangel, I just said I was an archangel,” he rubbed his forehead, “You wouldn’t have any aspirins lying around, would you? No, of course not. I guess the leeches will have to do for now.”
“What do you want with me?”
“Me? An aspirin. My father, though. He wants you to bear his children. Clearly, he can’t just miracle a child into an orphanage like any normal creator of things.”
“But I can’t have a child from another man! I’m married!”
“It’s God. I’m sure your husband can make an exception. Now, as I was saying, The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God. And, behold, thy cousin Elisabeth, she hath also conceived a son in her old age: and this is the sixth month with her, who was called barren. For with God nothing shall be impossible.”
“Your cousin’s got a baby, too, apparently. Bonus, and all. Now, Virgin Mary, are you ready to be impregnated by God Himself?”
“I… wait, ‘virgin’?”
“Uh… yeah. You’re a virgin.”
“No… I just got married… I kind of had a honeymoon. With my husband.”
“Yeah, so, if you’ll please be going, now, I…”
“Oh no, you don’t. I do not want to look for another Mary who lives in Nazareth and is married to a Joseph. Sit still, girl, I’m about to virginize you.”
“Wha-AAARGH!” She gripped the doorsill as her molecules were quickly rearranged.
“Oh, oops, sorry. I don’t usually do this. There, see, a pure, delicate flower. My job here is do-“
He couldn’t really finish his sentence, because a rather heavy shoe flew directly at his face, hitting the precise location in which the door had slammed him. Minutes later, after recovering from the searing pain, a hefty broomstick hit him right in the side, repeatedly. Mary was quite satisfied when she heard the flutter of wings and verified Gabriel was no longer there. She smiled to herself and shuffled back inside to have a nice, hot drink.
“Dear father, what happened to you?” Raphael sat down next to his brother and examined his wounds. Two black eyes, various cuts from sharp broom edges, at least one broken rib, a dislocated wing and presumably a very bad headache.