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The doctors have given him the all-clear. Hard to believe, when the scars on the outside are still so damn big.
Roy touches the lowest bullet hole.
He'd never actually been vain. He kind of wishes he had because he can't be now. Not with these. If he strips off, nobody's going to be looking at him. He's just the canvas for these. Marks of just how fucking stupid he can be.
He's been doing this for most of his life and he made such a pointless mistake and nearly-
Takes a deep breath.
He lifts both arms above his head and watches as the scars pucker and distort.
Wonders what's happening with the scar tissue inside him.
He stretches a little more and the scars hurt. Distant pain. Only really notices it if he's thinking about it.
So what'll happen inside, when he pushes his heart as hard as he has to?
Only one way to find out.
Ron doesn't say anything when he and Lian get in and Roy is sat on the floor, wheezing. Lian does, though. Lian runs to him and hugs him and that actually makes it harder to breathe but he's never going to tell her that.
"Ew," she says after a moment. "You're sweaty."
Roy shakes his head hard and she steps away from the flying droplets, giggling.
"C'mon, sweetie," Roy says and manages to stand up. He staggers a little but steadies enough to take Lian's hand. "What do you want for dinner?"
Later, when Lian is in bed and Ron and Roy are watching TV, Ron clears his throat. "I know you got the okay to start working out again but I think they expected you to take it slowly."
Roy doesn't say anything.
He wakes up, shaking, and stares at the luminous figures on his alarm clock for a few moments before he manages to make sense of them. 4:36. Too early to get up, too late to go back to sleep.
He watches his window gradually brighten, shifting from the multi-coloured light of the night to the white of morning. It would all happen exactly the same if the bullet through his heart had been a fraction of an inch to the side.
He can't decide if that's comforting or not.
He must have dozed off again because suddenly Lian is jumping on top of him and the clock says it's 7:17. He doesn't want to let Lian go to school. He wants to keep her here with him because she's growing up too fast and he wants every single moment to himself.
He walks her to school, holding tight to her hand as cars go past, too fast, too loud, too close. It's hard to let her go but her friend, Summer, is waiting and Lian's already wriggling and not paying attention to him. Roy watches them tearing round the yard, shouting and screaming and living, until the bell rings and they're herded inside.
Lian waves at him as she's swallowed up and Roy smiles.
He suddenly becomes aware of the mothers waiting with him and the fact that a few of them are casting speculative glances at him.
He can feel his smile shift into something else, something he doesn't quite like, and he heads for the Outsiders HQ.
The gym is empty. Good.
First step is to establish a base line for what his heart can do right now. And the easiest way to push it is to run.
Taking his pulse rate is automatic, easy. Then he sets the treadmill for an easy jog and starts.
That lasts for two minutes and then he has to push himself. Faster. Faster still. And yet more. He's sprinting now and he couldn't have kept this speed up for long even before he was- But he has to.
He can't breathe and something in his chest is tearing but he can keep his legs going through sheer fucking willpower. He's done the impossible before and he can, will, do it again. Will keep on doing it.
He will.
But not today because he's fallen and he's shaking too much to get back up.
He shoves the heels of his hands into his eyes and hates his body.
It takes a few minutes to stand up and then he swears. He forgot to take his pulse rate.
He swallows. Got to do it again, then.
He gets back on the treadmill.
In the shower, he studies his arms. He can see where the muscle has wasted away. He can't see it on his chest, because he can only see the scars, but it's obvious on his arms.
He needs to build the muscle back up if he's going to be able to use his bow again. He can't build the muscle unless his heart's working properly.
He sticks his head under the water.
Pointless to go back to the gym now. He's worked his body as hard as it could take it for now.
He'll give it a couple of hours.
He's on the weights when Dick comes in. Dick nods and starts stretching. He isn't even warmed up and he's bending in ways that Roy couldn't even dream of.
Roy grits his teeth and ups the number of reps he was planning on doing.
Watching Dick on the parallel bars is a good distraction from the pain. Dick treats gravity as optional; flies over, through and under the bars as though they're damn lucky he deigns to touch them, no matter how infrequently.
Roy wants that.
Dick wouldn't have been dumb enough to be shot in the chest at point-blank fucking range.
Suddenly the weights aren't enough. Once he's finished his reps, he'll have to work on his flexibility.
Never be as good as Dick, though.
Never be as good as Ollie.
He needs to work harder.
He ignores the look Dick's giving him.
"You know," Dick says in the shower, "we're not expecting you back on active duty any time soon. You need to get back up to fitness gradually."
Roy ignores him.
Dick's eyes keep flickering to the scars and Roy gets out of the shower, dressed and out of there as quickly as he can.
He doesn't know where to go. Ron'll be at home. HQ seems to be stuffed full of people giving him concerned looks and he's had enough of it.
It's obvious, really. Doesn't know why it's taken him so long to think of it.
He packs their bags and is waiting outside school when Lian gets out. "Do you want to visit Uncle Ollie and Uncle Connor?"
"Yes!"
Like he needed to ask.
Part of him wishes he had a more sensible car when he's driving Lian. True, this one's been customised to the point that she's not likely to get damaged any time soon but... There's always the risk.
Always.
He drives carefully, even when Lian's bored and twisting and complaining and he's starting to think that perhaps it was unfair to drag her all the way to Star City just because Roy's feeling twitchy. Even when she's singing that damn theme tune for the five billionth time.
But then he thinks that he might not have got to hear that five billionth repetition and it sounds wonderful. He even joins in and Lian giggles.
They stop for sandwiches and juice and toilet break. There's a playground at the restaurant and Roy watches Lian tearing around and performing impossible acrobatic feats on the jungle gym. He thinks about quadruple somersaults and what would have happened to Lian. Would she have got that revenge fixation? He hopes not. He wants her to grow up normal.
In the car a few hours later, Lian's head has dropped to one side and she's dribbling slightly. She twitches and Roy wonders if she's dreaming.
It's gone one when they arrive but there are plenty of lights on and Roy doesn't feel at all guilty about knocking loudly. A few moments later, the door is yanked open. "What?" Mia demands. "Oh, it's you!" She steps back and Roy comes inside, Lian dozing in his arms. "Ollie and Connor are out," she says, once the door's shut. "But it's just a normal patrol, so they should be back soon." She runs a light hand over Lian's hair. "Her bed's made up."
"Thanks," Roy says. Lian's grouchy and unhelpful as he tries to put her into her pyjamas but he gets there eventually and she's asleep before he's pulled the covers over her.
Mia's making coffee in the kitchen and he gratefully sips from his mug.
"Ollie'll be glad to see you," Mia says. "He's been worried." She pulls a face. "Not that he'll ever actually say it, mind."
Roy doesn't say anything and Mia sighs.
"Well, I'm off to bed. Some of us have to go to school in the morning."
Roy makes a mental note to phone Lian's school and tell them she's sick. "Night," he says when Mia's nearly out of the room.
He turns the light out and sits in the dark, cradling his coffee, until Connor and Ollie walk in, trying to be quiet.
Conversation's awkward. Eventually, Ollie gives up and goes to bed. Connor doesn't.
"How did you do it?" Roy asks, looking at his coffee. It's cold.
Connor doesn't ask what and it's a relief. "By living." His voice is calm and Roy clings on to it.
"I can't decide if everything's changed or nothing has."
Connor waits and Roy knows he's thinking through every word. "The only thing that's changed is you."
"So why do they look at me like they think I'm going to fall apart." Maybe, he thinks, he is. Maybe he's already started.
"Because you've changed. They aren't sure what you're going to be like now." Connor's hand is light on his. "You have to show them you're still Roy."
"Still Arsenal."
Connor shrugs. "Maybe."
Roy takes a deep breath. "Man. I drag Lian all the way out here, just so I can struggle through a cryptic conversation. Tell me what to do, Connor."
But Connor just shakes his head. "I can't."
Roy shoves his chair back and dumps his mug in the sink. He tries not to be angry but it's hard. "I should have known. No. Don't say anything. I'm tired. I need some sleep."
He's woken in the morning by Mia running around the house, complaining about being late. Ollie's yelling at her and Roy buries his head under his pillow. He'll wait until things have calmed down then head up for a workout.
When he wakes up again, it's nearly ten. He swears and throws himself out of bed.
Lian's watching television. Connor's watching Lian. Ollie's watching... Roy.
"I thought I'd let you sleep," Ollie says.
"Thanks." He doesn't know what else to say. Damn, it never used to be this awkward. Is he really the only one who's changed? "I'm going to go work out."
Ollie starts to say something but stops and clears his throat. "Sure," he says. "You know where it all is."
The facilities aren't much. Not compared to HQ. In some ways, even the few bits of kit at Roy's apartment are better. But there are weights and that's really all that Roy needs. He keeps going until his entire body is burning and every breath is a shooting flame. But that's not enough so he runs downstairs and hits the streets before Connor can stop him.
He doesn't like running in public when he feels like this. He doesn't like the looks he get as people wonder how a young, athletic-looking man can be so astoundingly unfit that his breath is roaring and his run is more of a barely-controlled stagger.
The only other option is to hang around the house and be treated as somebody different.
He manages to keep his course straight for a couple of hundred yards before he starts weaving again.
When he gets in, he heads straight for the shower. He doesn't get out until he's breathing easily.
Ollie and Connor are waiting for him. Ollie takes hold of his arm. "You're going for a check-up."
"No."
Connor touches his shoulder. "You're pushing yourself too hard. We're worried about you."
"I'm fine."
"I saw you," Ollie says, anger in his voice. "You've been flat on your back for over a month. You can't expect to get up and put your body through this, even if you hadn't had a bullet through your heart." Ollie's grip on his arm tightens. "I spent years teaching you how to be patient and you just-"
"I'm fine," Roy repeats softly.
"You're not," Connor says. He smiles and Roy can feel the warmth in it. "But it doesn't really matter."
Roy has spent the past few days working out a training program with Ollie. "Patience," Ollie says at least ten times a day. Every time he does, Roy rolls his eyes and shares a look with Connor. He quite likes it.
Lian has spent the past few days being spoiled rotten by everybody in the house and she complains loudly at the idea of leaving. Roy blows a raspberry on her arm and she laughs so loudly she forgets she's annoyed.
Roy hugs them all before he leaves. "Don't leave it so long next time," Ollie says.
"And how often do you come to New York?"
"Careful," Connor warns. "He may well turn up unannounced now."
"Just to check you're sticking to the program," Ollie says.
"I will," Roy promises.
Once he's back in shape, the bow is easy.
He can't quite make himself pick up a gun, though.
He can be patient.
Although he doesn't know how long for.