Work Text:
I'm ... I'm ...
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
Giles leaned against the railing of the staircase ignoring his body’s quiet protests at being made to stand up. It called for him to sit down, but he knew that if he succumbed to that need he would find it hard to stand again for many reasons, not least of all the way his ribs growled in pain when he moved. He watched the children saying goodbye to each other. Although he wondered if it was still even appropriate to call them all children.
Buffy, Buffy was the closest thing to a daughter Giles would ever know. He had watched her grow, mature, celebrate and grieve. He had seen her change from a bubbly teenager to this woman darkened by experience who was struggling to find her place in the world. He had been there for it, liked to believe he had a role in her achievements, knew he had a part to play in her sorrows. As he watched her embracing her friend goodbye, he knew he could not really consider either woman a child.
The thought almost made him snort out loud. Warrior and witch, both it seems equally dangerous, his own body attested to that fact. It seemed a lifetime had passed since the young frightened girl had offered her help. A lifetime that had changed Willow from a brave scared child into the woman fuelled by rage and grief that had ripped him apart without care. He had to believe that there would be a path for Willow from that darkness, a path that would bring her back to the world. He knew a little of what lay ahead of her, and hoped her courage would not fail her.
Xander hung near the two women. Giles watched with a sense of pride tinged with concern at the protective stance of the young man. He couldn’t think of the other man as a child now, not only because of what Xander had experienced in his life but also considering their relationship. Child brought up too much guilt on his part. He knew after all these years the guilt should no longer be there but for Giles it seemed guilt would always haunt his steps. Guilt sang to him for all the mistakes he had made, all the ways he had failed these children.
As Xander carefully extracted Willow from the arms of her friend Giles pushed his own body away from the stairs. The time had come to leave, to catch a plane back to England and again leave these people behind. This time he told himself he wasn’t running, he wasn’t trying to escape his own fears and insecurities. He had told Buffy he was wrong for leaving, and told her again he would return. It was hard to leave her again, harder this time when even though she seemed more able to be without him. He wouldn’t think too hard about what that said about him and his own need to be needed. The goodbyes already said, the words exchanged so now the soft smile from him brought her into his arms. The embrace as always strong, even though she tried to be gentle made him grimace again from the ribs still mending.
Xander moved from them, leading Willow to the waiting car. He had volunteered earlier to drive them to the airport. It was an offer quickly accepted, Buffy had not wanted to go. She had whispered her goodbyes to Willow with quiet concern but the love between them that had once been so bright had faded under the weight of the last few days. Watching Willow leave the house, with the weight of his Slayer in his arms he hoped that emotions could slowly mend as the broken bones and cuts would over time. It was not the near destruction the world that had set them apart, but the near and more devastating destruction of faith. He knew this would be a scar that would never fade, but he would allow himself, for the sake of these people he loved, that they would all learn to live with.
“We’ll come home” he whispered again to Buffy, allowing again the hope his words would be true. And then again he left her.
He seated himself in the car groaning as he tried to twist his body to reach the seatbelt. Strong hands batted his own away as they moved to take the seatbelt and fasten it in place. Giles looked over for the first time meeting Xander’s eyes. There was so much he wanted to say at that moment, but what he really wanted to be able to do was to read the emotions behind Xander’s eyes. He had hoped to see understanding, knowledge that he wasn’t leaving him again, that neither of them would have to be alone. He saw compassion and then the other man’s eyes flicked up to the rear vision mirror and focused on the image of Willow reflected back at him. The moment for words passed and they spent the rest of the journey in silence.
Willow sat exhausted, worn out by the magic and sedatives in the chair opposite from them. Giles was pretty certain she no longer was that aware of those around her. Giles’ heart was filled with compassion for the young witch, enough compassion to wash away his anger at her actions, to allow the beginnings of forgiveness towards her to be born. He of all people could understand the rage, the seduction of dark magic that so quickly consumes. She had asked him if he was taking her to her death, but what awaited her in England was the rebuilding of a life where she would have to face what she had done. She would have to see herself and find a way to live with the new awareness. Sometimes, he knew, death was the easier option.
“Will she be ok?” Xander’s words broke through his own thoughts.
“She’ll probably sleep through the whole flight.” He knew he meant more than the journey, but he really didn’t have an answer to the bigger question so decided to avoid answering that one. Xander’s nod made him think that he knew there were no easy answers, no comfortable solutions.
“You know” Giles sighed, turning to face Xander now, needing things neither of them had said to be out in the open finally, “that I’m coming back. I’ve done with running, that is, if you’ll, I mean, if you still want me to … stay.”
Xander glanced at the dozing Willow rather aware of the irony of the situation. There had been a number of arguments over the years about them telling the girls about their relationship, arguments that Xander always lost. And now he wanted to do this conversation wouldn’t be overheard, he needed this moment for just the two of them. He wanted to tell Giles to come home, to not leave him alone, he wanted to say all the things he couldn’t say last time.
“Why did you leave?” Again so much for plans.
“Buffy needed to learn to stand on her own.” Before Xander could put words to the incredulous look Giles continued on. “She needed to embrace being alive, and you needed to have a life as well. You were going to get married Xander, and I couldn’t, I couldn’t hold you back from that life. I thought it was what you needed, what you wanted.”
“You were wrong. You were wrong about Buffy and you were wrong about me.”
“God Xander I know. I feel so bloody responsible for this mess, if I hadn’t have walked away, maybe, maybe things wouldn’t have gone so bad, so dangerously derailed. And I should have bloody fought for you, I should have shaken you until you saw that, that. I should have told you that marrying Anya was a mistake, that you were hiding, running scared. I should have told you I loved you, that I wasn’t going to give you up. I should have had the courage to tell you want I felt, but instead I ran away and lied to myself. I told myself I was doing the right thing by you, but really I was just scared shitless.
“And now?” The words came wrapped in fear, need and anger.
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
Giles had never been one for public displays, not of affection, violence or power. He preferred the subtle currents that rippled under the surface. A fool may take him for weak, the unobservant believe him to be passionless, but once noticed, once someone took the time to witness such things they burst bright into awareness. So when he reached out, brushing his calloused thumb in one swipe along Xander’s cheekbone before pulling him in to kiss the other man there was both shock and familiarity for the action. Giles hoped this kiss would say what all the other words had failed to impart. He hoped, as he felt Xander’s lips part to welcome his tongue, that this kiss was enough to show Xander how much love was there. He hoped as he let the passion of it take him over, that it would be enough to say all the things he couldn’t.
“Rupert…” the word murmured against his lips, one word containing numerous unspoken questions.
“I have to go Xander, Willow, she needs”
“I know, I get it, really I do, Willow all buzzing with dark magic and end of the world gooeyness. But there’s always someone, always something more important than us… than me. The Watcher always comes before the… the… see I don’t even know what to really call you.”
Giles sighed quietly as he reached from Xander’s hand, it wasn’t that the other man sounded angry, in fact anger would have probably been easier to deal with compared to the frustration and tiredness in his voice. He was right of course, Giles always put being a watcher first, it was what he was, it was who he was. He’d tried to make room for other things, love, companionship, life. They had all forced him, each in their own way to live, to be part of the world more than he had thought he would ever be. He could give himself fully to this man, but what he would be giving was a Watcher first.
“I’m coming back” was all he could think of to say.
I'm ...
There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring
They sat quietly again, the terminal buzzing around them, Willow staring off into some haze induced spot. There was of course, so much that still needed said, he wanted Xander to know that the ground would remain firm under his feet, he wanted to say words that he never said the last time he ran. He watched the people moving around them, people whose lives were not filled with evil and pain. These people lived their whole lives out on a hellmouth, they lived and loved and died here in this town. The familiar feel of a thumb stroking against his ruined finger brought his attention back to the man beside him, with the realisation that pain wasn’t his alone. The world hurt. The world didn’t turn on love or money or even power, it spun on pain. Some people learnt to bear the weight of that pain, learnt to live and hope and desire. Some people, like Xander, seemed to also be able to hold onto beauty and love within the deafening roar of pain and suffering, it was after all how he found his way through the pain that consumed Willow. Giles always had assumed he would be one that let the pain suck him dry; leave him bitter, empty and alone. He hadn’t feared it, it had seemed rather inevitable, but now the realisation hit him that this was really a matter of choice, a decision each person made.
“I didn’t think about you when I left last time.” Giles had no idea where those words came from but now they were spoken and Xander staring at him in that intent way he knew he had to continue. “I made a choice, I explained it to Buffy and then I left. But it wasn’t just about Buffy. She got the chance to yell at me, to tell me I was wrong, to let me know I was hurting her. You, I never gave you the same opportunity. Bloody hell Xander you got to hear I was leaving at the same time everyone else did. I didn’t even, I should have at least talked to you, told you I was going.”
He watched Xander nod, waiting, wondering if he would say anything besides the nod. But Giles knew that for now this wasn’t so much about Xander’s responses, this was for him to confess, to lay out his failings and acknowledge the hurts he had brought on the man. Words like I love you, I did it because I cared, because I didn’t want you to get hurt are often simply there to hide the truth; the truth that someone is out of their depth, too scared and too stupid to do better. So now it was time to tell Xander what was behind the well fashioned words, to choose to step outside of watcher and paternal figure and let him see the friend and lover.
“Every time I pushed you away Xander, I made it out to be what was best for you. I wanted you to believe that, I wanted me to believe that. But it was all lies. Mostly I was just plain scared, of feeling, or being alive, of hoping. Every time I pushed it was said to be giving you a life to protect you, but I was only really protecting myself and hurting you. This is why I am coming back. This is what I realised lying on the floor of the Magic Box, realised sitting here. I’m not coming back because you all need me. I’m not coming back because I have given my word. I’m tired of being afraid and alone, especially when what I want has always been sitting… I hope is still sitting right in front of me”
And there it was the doubt that pestered him. No matter how many times he had left Xander over the years, separating himself emotionally and physically from the man, Xander had always been there when he came back, always willing to welcome him back into his life. He didn’t really understand why. He did not see it as desperation or loneliness on Xander’s part, although he sometimes saw the glimpse of depth of need that was usually kept hidden. He knew if he asked Xander directly why he kept allowing him back into his life the answer would have been said with curious simplicity. Because I love you would be his simple answer to a question he would think Giles mad to ask. Had he let that love wither and die over the months when rejection and distance had kept them apart? Could he trust that Xander would once again welcome him back into his life, be willing to open himself up again?
“I won’t do it anymore Rupert, gods how I love you, but I, if you don’t come back, if you change your mind…”
“I won’t Xander, I promise you now, I won’t walk away again.” Giles squeezed Xander’s hand and waited. He knew the look on Xander’s face, recognised it as Xander struggling to find the right words. There were those times, a lot of times when words would run from Xander’s mouth in a stream of consciousness that would often bewildered those listening. There were times when he would infuriate others, or embarrass himself with ill chosen words and speak of things that probably have been best left unsaid. But Giles also knew there were these times when Xander would pick his words carefully. What might sound like uncensored babble to someone that didn’t know the man was actually intensely personal and hard chosen words.
“When Willow was about to end the world, and man doesn’t that still sound like a joke waiting for a punchline, but anyway I went to her, I still don’t know what I thought would happen, I just knew my best friend was about to end the world, that my best friend had probably killed the man I loved and I couldn’t just sit there and not do anything, I couldn’t just wait in the background this time. I needed to be with her, I feel guilty about that now, now I know you’re alive and well, other than once again beaten and broken, and really Giles you need to stop doing that, but I went to her, not to you. At that moment I choose to be with my best friend. And no, don’t say it, I know, my choice saved the world and all that, but I thought she killed you and I still chose her. I don’t think I went there to save the world, I don’t think I thought I stood a chance. You were gone, my friend seemed lost forever and there simply was no point in it all. Without you, there is no point to all this, without you it is just pain and suffering and bleakness.
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
There was no kiss this time, perhaps if they had been alone it would have happened. But this moment between them was too intense, too personal for either of them to allow it to be viewed by others. Alone they would have come together, lips and bodies would have touched with tenderness and fragility before shattering into each other. They would have expressed themselves with fervent need everything they had struggled to say, everything they had experienced on that day and up to this point. In that moment they would have laid each other bare. But at that moment they were too aware of the people walking past and sitting near, too exposed and vulnerable, not just to the view of others they realised, but to themselves.
Instead they sat in silence, their hands still entwined, Xander’s thumb brushing habitually over Giles’ finger. They held each other’s gaze. Giles could see the hurt there now, burning brightly in Xander’s eyes, hurt and fear, but now he was able to understand that most of that hurt was connected to the idea that he could have lost Giles. That when he went to face Willow part of him believed he was facing the woman that killed his lover. Giles could only begin to understand how devastating that must have been for Xander, and it only added to his admiration for the man. The one thing Xander held beyond all his other strengths was his ability to love, for it was love that brought Willow back from the edge of destruction and it would seem yet again it was his love that was also keeping Giles from his own destruction.
He wanted to say something, to thank Xander somehow. Thank you seemed so clichéd, and a rather empty response to someone whose love saved the world and Giles along with it. There should be something more, something profound and meaningful, something that could make sense of all the pain, all the hardships. He was a learned man, he could quote speeches, poetry, demon texts at will, fitting them neatly into the situation at hand, but he couldn’t find a way to say what he felt right now, couldn’t find the words. It was not until the announcer blared out last call that he worked out what he needed to say.
“I love you”
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...
The time had come to leave. There was not enough time left to say any more, there was never enough time, planes and apocalypses always took precedence. He watched Xander ease his friend up to her feet. Willow had never looked so fragile and lost as she did now clinging to the bulk of her friend. This was her last goodbye, her last moment of comfort. Giles could offer her gentle reassurance, but comfort was still beyond him. He did love her, he did feel compassion for her, but the memory of her violent actions and more so her violent words made it impossible for him to reach out to her in comfort. Forgiveness would come but of yet it was a barrier to keep him from reaching out. Together the three of them walked to the departure gate, each feeling the weight of the last few days, and indeed the last few years. For in those steps it all seemed so unbearable, too much had happened, too much had been lost. For a second Giles felt that if they stopped, if they simply stopped moving forward for just a moment it would all come crashing down on them. So instead they walked.
Bureaucracy often amused him, whilst Willow could make it to the gate under her own steam, well with the support of Xander, it became officially impossible for her to be supported down the gangway, and instead he watched as they settled her into the wheelchair. Sometimes he truly believed that when the world did end it would be smothered by red tape and forms in triplicate. He rested his hand on the back of the chair, the other holding onto their boarding passes and looked to Xander. There were things that could have been said, “goodbye”, “I love you”, “I’m coming back”. Words that held so much emotion and had been said before, words that made the parting both easier and more difficult. But they both knew that words weren’t going to be what changed things, what would make this parting bearable.
And so Giles reached for and slipped his hand to the back of Xander’s head, fingers entwining in Xander’s hair as he pulled him close. When their lips met it was if they had stumbled into a clichéd movie, or perhaps someone had cast spell around them for the world slowed down and everything that wasn’t either of them faded into the distance. It was clichéd and childish and something that belonged in badly written romance novels but Giles felt at that moment that they were the only ones in the world that existed, that as long as he could feel this man pushed in against him, feel his lips brushing and moving against his own that everything would be right in the world. It made everything right, made all the doubts and fears rush away, made him believe there would be a future for them all. They said goodbye with that kiss, goodbye with promises of the future to come.
Giles shifted uncomfortably in his seat. In the distance the inflight movie played. It brought that amused smile to his lips. Some Hollywood make believe of witches, pretty sweet girls that no one could imagine bad things about, sanitised, stripped of all reality, and the children wondered why he could never keep up with their cultural references. Popular cultural had lost its edge, people wanted happy endings and life washed of any darkness. Of course this may simply be his own bitterness talking. The years may have finally caught up with him and washed away the last of his joy. Glancing across at the red-haired woman sleeping beside him he amended that, perhaps it had not been washed away but sucked from him, ripped away. He kicked himself for letting this malaise take over him. They had survived again, they were all still alive. There would undoubtedly be struggles in the future for them all, and it wasn’t pessimism that lead him to believe there would come other apocalypses to face. But Buffy would find a way to live in the world, Dawn would see her own worth separate from her sister and her own origins and Willow would learn to live both the guilt and dark magic that was now part of her. And Xander… Xander would help Giles make sense of it all, make it all worth while. He would just have to get back there before the next crisis took over their lives.
Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go