1. In which there is dinner and a show (Team Chapel Het for Team Triumvirate)
Leonard yanked Spock and Jim under the table as a body went flying over their heads. "This is their idea of dinner theater?" he hollered over the roaring crowd and clashing weapons. Jim nodded. He had caramel mousse in his hair.
"Sue me! I just wanted to make dinner special, Bones."
"It is certainly -" Spock cut off as a large axe embedded itself in the floor two feet away from their table. "Different, Jim."
"'Least the food is good?"
"There's that," Leonard admitted grudgingly. "Though you're wearing most of it."
"Let's go back to the hotel room. You guys can lick it off me."
2. In which Sulu is the Indiana Jones of botany (Team Chapel Het for Team McCoy)
"This is a bad idea."
Hikaru double-checks the knots. "Just hold me, please."
"What happens if I go over the edge, too?" says McCoy irritably, tugging the rope attached to a tree on one end, Hikaru on the other.
"Then," says Hikaru, putting a hand on his lower back and kissing him quickly, "we die together."
Geez. Come on. "It's a flower." Right there below the mouth of the cliff, out of reach, and of course Mr. Botanist needs it.
"'To seek out new plants'. Goin' over." Hikaru drops out of sight, and McCoy prays he doesn't end up a pancake on the ravine floor.
3. In which Gaila is an early bloomer (Team Chapel Het for Team Gaila)
"Wanna kiss it better, Nurse Chapel?"
"Oh, if you knew the number of times I've heard that," Christine sighed, but she lifted Gaila's tiny green hand to her lips and gave the bumped fingers a noisy kiss. "Better? Or should I fetch Dr. McCoy?"
Gaila pondered this. Then she let out a giggle, her chubby cheeks flushing purple. "I like Dr. McCoy. He's pretty." De-aged Gaila was just as forthcoming with her attractions as Adult Gaila. "You're pretty, too." She tugged Christine's skirt. "And," she finished, rather conspiratorially, "Mr. Spock. Can we get married?"
"Maybe when you're older," answered Christine, suppressing a giggle.
4. In which Chekov does not sparkle (Team Chapel Het for Team McCoy)
"Please, Leonard," Chekov said, lips brushing the underside of Bones's jaw. He nibbled at the skin like a fish, nipped Leonard's earlobe, his fingernails leaving burning tracks as they scratched along his belly. "One bite. Just one."
"No," said Leonard, hands shaking. "I'm sorry."
"But I am so hungry." He'd always thought Chekov looked angelic, with those curls, those big clear eyes. But the new sharpness of his canines was positively demonic. "Your veins sing to me. Just one taste. I won't hurt you, won't turn you -"
Leonard pushed him away, and something snapped in Chekov's eyes. "No - wait, Pavel, no!"
5. In which Kirk has a sentient penis (Team Chapel Het for Team Kikipups)
No matter how many times he jerked off, Jim's dick wouldn't die.
"Fucking fuck," said Jim to it, the eleventh time he'd ducked off the bridge that shift. His hands were raw. His penis didn't care. "Won't you just go to sleep?"
"No, man," it replied, in that creepy way of talking inside his brain it had developed. "I know what I want, and it's not our hands. No offense."
"Who, then?" demanded Jim, irritated. "What'll it take?"
"I want the dude in front of us on the bridge. The one we're always staring at. Black hair, nice ass."
"Oh." Jim considered this. "I'll try."
6. In which Kirk's sentient penis gets what it wants (Team Chapel Het for Team Kikipups, the sequel)
Jim was actually on board with this idea. Black hair, nice ass was right - Jim's dick may have been annoying, but it had good taste.
So to speak.
He didn't beat around the bush. "Hey, you know that weird talking-genitals virus?"
Sulu looked up from his sandwich. "Yeah?"
"I've still got it. And my dick won't shut up about you."
"Really?" Sulu looked pleased, if a little embarrassed. "Well, uh, did you wanna...?"
"Yeah." Jim nodded. "If you want."
His dick lied. It still wouldn't be quiet, even when they had Sulu spread out moaning underneath them.
"I am never coming out," his dick said, muffled.
7. In which Kirk needs to learn the basic tenets of hygiene (Team Chapel Het for Team Jim and Bones)
Caught up in the moment, he couldn't help it. Without thinking, Jim kissed Bones - and Bones made a horrible face and shoved him.
"Ugh! Jim, what've I told you about that? You know how fucking unsanitary that is?"
Oops. Jim wiped his mouth. "We used dermal barrier, you know. It isn't really."
"I don't care! You were just rimming me. I know what I ate the first time around, I don't need to -"
"Please, please don't finish that sentence."
"Go brush your damn teeth. Then you can kiss me. Actually, I need to, too."
Jim sighed as Bones hustled him into the bathroom. Doctors.
8. In which Kirk and Spock get there fast and then take it slow (Team Chapel Het for Team Spork)
Sand, sun, surf. It's too bad they only have a week here on Planet Cabana.
Jim's on his fourth fruity cocktail when Spock appears. Like Jim, he is shirtless, clad only in shorts. They're parrot print. His nose is white with zinc oxide...he looks adorable.
"Hi," laughs Jim. "Wanna sip?"
"Thank you, no," says Spock serenely. Green freckles are breaking out on his shoulders. "I have merely come to see if you wish to join me in 'hot-tubbing'."
"Sure." Jim downs the rest of his drink, and pokes the remaining cherry into Spock's mouth on a whim. Spock chews, wide-eyed. "Lead the way."
9. In which Number One wears the pants (Team Chapel Het for Team NewOldSkool)
Planet of Unexpected Crossdressing. Of course. They have to duck, unseen, into an alley while they make themselves presentable. "Should I borrow a dress?" Pike wonders, staring up at the clotheslines above them.
One shakes her head - instead, she starts unbuttoning her shirt. They'd replicated suitable articles of clothing for the mission, just not in the right configuration. "You'll fit into my clothes. Give me yours." She tosses him the shirt and steps out of her skirt. Black lingerie and a garter belt? Jesus.
Pike swallows and switches out his pants for the skirt as quickly as he can.
10. In which Fabio's got nothing on Kirk and McCoy (Team Chapel Het for Team Jim and Bones)
"Well, Jim," said Bones, prodding him with gloved fingers. "You've really gotten yourself into it this time."
"I want you, Bones," said Jim dramatically, grabbing his shirt. "For a night or all eternity. My heart and my penis long for you."
"The pallidum harlequinesis virus was just a myth. The journals'll love this."
"Your blazing hazel eyes, dark with lust. You want me."
Bones was pink-faced as he hypo-d him. "Just a precaution. Goodnight."
The sedative was already starting to work its magic. "Does this mean you won’t have sex with me?" Jim managed, before he flopped back, unconscious.
11. In which Squiddles wants some action (Team Chapel Het for Team Jim and Bones)
"Jim, how many times do I have to tell you no tentacles in the bedroom?"
"But she's so cute! He. Zhe. It. Squiddles." The cephalopod curled around Jim's shoulder (with one sneaky tentacle down his pants already) seemed to like the name, its polka-dots blushing yellow. "C'mon, Bones. Broaden your horizons."
Bones folded his arms. "Does this Squiddles have a tank?"
"She does," said Jim evasively. "But she'd really prefer to stay with us. Besides, she's hungry. Did you know her species thrives on the amino acids and proteins found in human semen? No more cleanup!"
Squiddles trilled. Bones threw his hands up.
12. In which Spock is not at all scared (Team Chapel Het for Team Lyre)
'Halloween' did not exist on Vulcan. Spock's psyche would have been scarred at a young age otherwise. Deriving amusement from dessicated corpses, ghosts, the squishy insides of pumpkins - extremely illogical.
"Boo!" Nyota cries as she springs out of Maintenance Room 28-A wearing a zombie mask. Spock would never admit to it, but he is not immune to the fright, and springs backwards. "Spock! Sorry, are you okay?"
"I have not yet adjusted to the traditions of this holiday," says Spock, extremely dignified, "though I have been ambushed four times."
She kisses him and gives him a lollipop to make up for it.
13. In which McCoy discovers the best hiding spot on the ship (Team Chapel Het for Team McCoy)
Every month aboard the Enterprise came the officially-sanctioned 24-hour party the space-weary crew looked forward to. Streamers. Balloons. A chocolate fountain, and Spock dancing shirtless on a table. Booze, booze, and more booze.
When the karaoke started, McCoy was smashed, but not enough to handle that, so he ran for his life and his ears.
Unfortunately, the closet he hid in was populated by a very capable and very handsy Chekov.
"Doctor," Chekov slurred, grabbing his crotch with wondrous accuracy in the almost-darkness. McCoy squeaked. "Russians invented the handjob. I tell the truth, you'll see."
Yes. He told the truth.
14. In which aliens make them do it, and it's okay (Team Chapel Het for Team Tartan)
Chained up naked, surrounded by a jeering audience? Scotty just wasn't sure he was going to be able to get it up, with this much pressure to perform.
It helped that Spock was a sexual master. He was their golden ticket on Fuck-Or-Die missions - with glorious concentration, he had already gotten the others (Uhura, Kirk, Ensign Ricky) off in under three minutes each.
"Sorry," Scotty said, shamefaced, as Spock knelt before him. "Bit nervous."
"Allow me to assuage that," said Spock smoothly, and Scotty was pleased to find it only took two minutes. Vulcans, and their nonexistent gag reflexes.
15. In which McCoy is sassy and gay (Team Chapel Het for Team Spones)
"This is...most disturbing," said Spock, never one to mince words where they were appropriate. Here, they were appropriate.
"You know what's disturbing, that haircut. Pointy, honey, the bowl is for Wheaties, not for your head."
McCoy flicked his sparkly scarf over his shoulder and thrust one hip out, beaming. Above him, out of nowhere, appeared bright bubble letters - Sassy Gay Doctor!
Spock logically understood that there were alternate universes. He had met an evil McCoy, a female one, and one who was a talking tree. However, this...Sassy Gay McCoy was something else entirely.
"He's a stupid bitch," McCoy cheerfully pronounced. Spock frowned.
16. In which Amanda broadens her husband's outlook (Team Chapel Het for Team Kalifarr)
Sarek appreciated his new mate's quiet demeanor. She was opinionated, but not outgoing.
The wedding night was something different. Amanda tore his robes off - Sarek stood startled and transfixed as she also undressed so enthusiastically her bodice ripped.
"My wife," he managed. "Are you quite well?"
She leapt at him and, drawing his head down, bit the tip of his ear, hard. He let out an uncustomary noise, hips jerking. "Fuck me now, you sexy Vulcan beast," she growled.
As her mate, he was to fulfill her needs to the best of his ability. So he did, and they lived happily ever after.
17. In which it is fortunate that plastic is washable (Team Chapel Het for Team Tartan and Team Threesome)
He froze in the doorway, mouth moving soundlessly, completely speechless at the sight.
He gurgled, and Kirk waved at him in the middle of an impressive naked backflip. "Might I ask how, exactly, a bouncy castle got into Engineering? And why you're all fornicating in it?"
Because they were, McCoy caught between Spock and Uhura, and Kirk landing on Sulu and Chekov, sending them flying and then immediately licking whatever he could reach. Chapel and Rand bounced away together in a corner and even Cupcake What's-His-Name was doing unspeakable things with Keenser. Bloody antisocial Keenser.
"Don't ask," called Uhura breathlessly. "Come on in!"
18. In which Kirk learns how to bring out his eyes (Team Chapel Het for Team Jim and Bones)
Jim often wondered why Bones disappeared on weekends. Friday nights they'd demolish a bottle of Jack, pass out, and next morning Bones would be gone, looking glowing when he returned.
Jim jealously thought he was getting some. But at the mall one Saturday, he found Bones at the MAC counter, dabbing a customer with eyeshadow.
"I'd avoid yellows," he warned the girl. Then he looked at Jim, seeming unsurprised. "Get in the chair."
"You're a cosmetician?" Bones swiped his chin with a makeup pad. "What's that?"
"Studio Fix. You see, Jim, drinking dulls out the complexion. Blush...yeah. Ripe Peach, I think."
Jim felt very pretty.
19. In which Spock lives out a long-cherished fantasy (Team Chapel Het for Team Lyre)
It was hard to shop in space. Luckily, they were just close enough to Starbase Fourteen that Nyota could get a few things she needed. The courier fees to the Enterprise were ridiculous, and the selection wasn't great.
But the look on his face when he saw his surprise would make everything worthwhile.
She set up a date after Alpha shift one evening. Spock stepped in - and froze, ears rapidly turning green.
"I've been a naughty student," said Nyota. Her plaid skirt rode up as she perched on the edge of the desk. An old-fashioned wooden ruler sat waiting. "Very naughty."
20. In which 'Threshold' is old meme (Team Chapel Het for Team Blond Ambition)
"Jan," Jim said placatingly, "calm down."
"We are going to be grandparents! We've only been parents for 48 hours, Jim!"
Their lizard offspring was curled up in her breeding nest. This was what happened when alien scientists got a hold of human DNA...she'd never expected her first child to have claws and scales.
She did have her father's eyes, though.
"Uhura's throwing a shower." Jan raised her eyebrows - Jim just smiled. "I'm excited, okay? Never thought I'd live long enough for grandkids. Even if they're lizards." He put an arm around her. "C'mon, grandma."
"Oh, stop it." Janice buried a smile in his chest.
21. In which Scotty will never have a dog (Team Chapel Het for Team Tartan)
"Arf!" said Kirk, wagging his butt...an immensely disturbing and not at all arousing sight. "Woof. Grrrrr-ruff."
Scotty patted him on the head. This was...a strange surprise. "Uh, good doggie?" Kirk's tongue lolled out happily, and Scotty sighed. Roleplaying was definitely a bad idea. This kind, anyway. "Alright, this isn't gonna work."
"Why not?" Himself again, Kirk sat up on his heels, fingering the leather collar he wore. Admittedly, that did look nice. "I thought you liked this."
Scotty stared at him. "Who told you that?"
Kirk flushed. "...People."
Smiling wryly, Scotty tugged him forward by the collar. "I'll show you what I do like, okay?"
22. In which Kirk has a very bad day (Team Chapel Het for Team Gaila)
The tail of corded leather slides along his thigh, a substantial reminder of his delicate position. "Gaila, they're controlling you," Jim pleads. Her eyes are glassy, no recognition - but he'll try until he can't. "We need to escape, then we'll get you back to nor-"
A backhand to the face is his answer. Jim spits out a mouthful of blood, tongues the inside of his cheek. "Silence. I think you've earned yourself twenty more lashes."
Yeah, he likes to play. But not like this. "Gaila, please."
He bows his head, choking up as the leather trails over his shoulders. "Please, mistress."
23. In which ingesting foreign substances is a bad idea (Team Chapel Het for Team Tartan)
So...apparently that drink wasn't safe for humans after all.
"Wuzzat," Scotty mumbled. He scratched his belly - then realized his clothes were gone. "Huh?"
"Ay-yi-yi," came a pained groan from next to him. Scotty's first impression was of a large pile of white tulle. It stirred and turned over, and there was Chekov, for some reason dressed in a ballet tutu. His face was smeared with purple lipstick. Scotty touched his own face, and his fingers came away purple. "Mister Scott?" Chekov squinted at him. "Could you tell me which planet we are on?"
Scotty thought. Uh-oh. "No, laddie. I'm afraid I couldn't."
24. In which it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? (Team Chapel Het for Team Kikipups)
"The bunnies are coming for me!"
Sulu yelps as Kirk darts out and pulls him behind a convenient tree. They flatten themselves against the trunk, as the unmistakable sound of hundreds of pounding furry feet floats over the hillside toward them, ever closer, ever more terrifying.
"Thank fuck I found you," Kirk pants. "I found a cache of supplies. Check it out -" He fumbles a pocket of his vest open, and Sulu seizes his wrist.
"Jesus. A holy hand grenade?"
Kirk's smile is blinding. "Once they're over that rise, those bunnies are toast."
Ears. Oh, shit. "They're here."
"Count me down."
"One - two - FIVE!"
25. In which the morning sickness will be rough (Team Chapel Het for Team Jim and Bones)
"Well, Jim, congratulations," said Bones, seeming a little dazed. "Looks like the fetus is doin' well."
Jim hoped there was a way to fix this one, because he wasn’t ready to be a father. He put a hand on his abdomen, and grimaced. "Impregnated by omnipotent beings and raising a kid as a single father on a dangerous deep space mission. Dream come true."
"Uh..." The look on Bones' face was oddly indecipherable. "Not exactly. The scan...it says my DNA's somehow in there, too."
Jim's heart seemed to stutter. "So we're..."
"We're gonna be dads." Bones covered Jim's hand with his, and smiled crookedly.
26. In which Spock builds a Jell-o cannon (Team Chapel Het for Team Spork)
Jim is covered head to toe in green gelatin. He slowly reaches up to wipe his eyes as Spock ushers him out of Rec Room 4.
"It appears the device did not work as anticipated." Grabbing a towel, Spock begins to clean him. Jim sniffs wetly, stunned.
"You gonna tell me what that was? The swimming pool, the balloons -"
"I once visited an entertainment establishment in San Francisco where 'Jell-o wrestling' occurred. The participants seemed to derive great pleasure from the proceedings." Spock lifts Jim's hand to his mouth, and sucks two fingers clean. "Perhaps the swimming pool is unnecessary."
27. In which they wonder where they will live (Team Chapel Het for Team Spones)
The waves lapped gently around Spock's chest. Beside him, Jim sat dangling his human walking appendages into the water.
"Do not speak to me of Leonard." Spock's voice was soft, miserable.
"He loves you, you know," Jim said quietly. "You could work it out."
"I am sea-born and will die here." He flicked his iridescent green tail. "He is a centaur - his heart is the forest. It was not meant to be."
Jim sighed. "I don't like seeing you two depressed."
Spock rested his cheek on the sun-warm rock. On the cliffs above, a flash of Leonard's brown coat glimmered between the tree trunks.