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The Selphie Letters

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Dear Selphie,

How's everyone at Garden doing? We miss you guys so much!!! Have you managed to cause any wide-scale devastation lately? I still can’t believe you caught Irvine’s hair on fire! I’m not sure if the official mourning period is over, or is Irvine still wearing all black? I told Squall about the ‘funeral’ for his ponytail and how everybody was forced to attend. It still boggles my mind how your boyfriend managed to give a forty-five minute eulogy about his traumatic and untimely loss. Really, that is an amazing feat by any standards...

As for us, everything is going well in Timber. It’s strange to be living on our own. The biggest news is that Squall finally found a job! I know, I know… you’re probably thinking he’s doing something with the military right? Oh, how wrong you are…

Quick back-story: it all started when he went to the Timber Maniacs' building. He said he was going to check out that Battle Series Magazine or whatever the heck it is... Although I’m pretty sure he was only there to check up on the latest issue of The Girl Next Door. Don’t even get me started. Anyway, one thing led to another, and somehow it came up that the television station was hiring. So being the 'naturally outgoing' person Squall is (ha!) he went and applied. The station manger loved him so much that she wanted him to have his own show. The problem was that the only thing they had open was the old “Baking with Betsy” time slot. So now Balamb Garden's former Commander, and world savior, has his own cooking show, “Kitchen Call, With Chef Squall.”

Can you believe it! Yeah... me neither.

Well, I mean, since we moved here, he has been doing all the cooking. Because, as you guys might remember, my idea of a ‘four course’ meal is ordering a pizza along with breadsticks and a baked cinnamon-y dessert – the marinara sauce does count as a soup, I tell you! To me that is four courses, no matter what “Chef Squall” argues. Oh, back to my point, which seems to be lost somewhere in here - the fact is that he has been doing a great job. Well sorta...

During the third episode, his assistant ran off crying after Squall tried to 'counter' with an Oregano Attack. Apparently, he can't let the SeeD training die completely. It’s not easy to work alongside him as we all know from past experience. Anyway, I was so excited when he asked me to work with him, just like old times. Although…the stupid TV station makes him call me his "Kitchen Kitten." Yeah, don’t get me started with my title. It was a sweeps-month-rating promotional stunt. However, I drew the line at wearing the ears on my head. I saved the world too! I should not have to wear stuffed cat ears! Sadly, I did find out later that I wasn’t his first pick as "Kitchen Kitten," but everyone else refused to work with him - Zone, Watts, the leader of the Forest Foxes, Angelo, and the drunken guy from the pub had all declined. I mean, I was little upset he asked the drunk guy before me, but hey - bygones. My therapist is so proud of me...

Still, who would’ve thought that Squall Leonhart would trade in working with Garden SeeDs for working with poppy seeds! I enclosed a picture for you, so you can pass it around Garden and laugh hysterically… Maybe it will help Irvine’s grief period. One of Chef Squall's first dishes was “Charred Chocobo Chops.” It turned out edible, though he did learn that it’s better if the bird is dead before you start to cook it. He ended up having to defend himself with a tennis racquet - I questioned why there was a tennis racquet in there, but all Squall said was, "for times like these."

Yeah... okay, that makes sense, Leonhart.

Got to admit it though, it was hysterical to watch him try to keep his cool while wearing so much leather under stage lights. To hide Squall's fear of Chocobos (that we are not allowed to talk about under penalty of severe punishment, torture, and bodily harm) I had to step in and 'take care of' the bird. I pounded the poor creature with salt and pepper shakers... I am a seasoned professional after all. Get it? Seasoned? Hehe.

The other picture I’m including... Well, see, I had to bring Angelo to the set. It didn’t go well. I think she mistook the strawberry dessert Squall made for a Blobra or something. She attacked. Squall yelled. Much fun was had by all. See? Nothing has changed since we’ve been gone.

I better go - Squall is getting ready to plug the blender in... and we all know what happened last time!

Love and miss you guys so much,

Rinoa (Kitchen Kitten) Heartilly

 

PS: Next week, Cloud Strife is supposed to appear on the show, Squall is giddy like a little girl!

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Dear Selphie,

OMG! I have sooo much to tell you. Wait, did I actually just write out OMG? Is that weird? I’m not sure… but that gives me something new to think about...Anyway, OMG you will so totally not believe it.

I mean really, really not believe it! First, I have to tell you about what happened leading up to this. It started on Squall’s cooking show. Remember last week I told you that Cloud Strife was going to be a guest on Kitchen Call, with Chef Squall? Yeah, I’m not sure how the station manager made it happen. Somebody must be sleeping with somebody somewhere, but again, sooo not the point. 

So Squall couldn’t get to sleep the night before and I'd swear he was just like an eager kid waiting to open birthday presents in the morning... Or Zell waiting in a long line at an all-you-can eat hotdog buffet. You know, basically feel free to insert your own metaphor here. With our friends (and boyfriends) the possibilities are endless… but I digress. Either way, I was about to whack him in the head with a Dragon Fin. Seriously, dear Shiva on a stick, why did we ever buy a waterbed!? Every time he tosses or turns it’s like a typhoon or, well, you know, a really monstrous squall. *snicker*

Sorry bad, bad pun. I’ll behave.

After what seemed like a millennia, I finally knocked him out with a damn Sleep spell. I mean… there is only so much a sorceress can take. No wonder Ultimecia was pissed - her knight must have bought a damn waterbed on their anniversary. And hence is the real reason she no longer had a knight. Hey, it's a theory... trust me, there are some crazy ones out there.

*cough*I'mnotultimecia*cough*

Okay, back to my story. We get to the studio and there is this omniscient glow as Cloud makes his way over the steely horizon. Oceans part, birds sing in glorious harmony, and peace is restored throughout the universe. NOT.

So there I am, looking down at Mr. Strife. No, not because I think I’m better than him by any means, I mean, literally looking down on him. HE IS SO SHORT. I’m sorry, that’s not correct anymore… he is vertically-challenged, even more so than you Selphie! So the show is about to start and the guy can’t even reach the stove! Well my boyfriend, in all his infinite SeeD wisdom says, “Hey, grab that pot hanging on the wall.” So quickly, before going on air, we make Cloud stand on a pot to reach the stove.


I could not stop laughing the entire time. I am such a bad, bad person. You know I’m not normally, but I think sleep deprivation was taking its heavy toll on me...


I know Squall got really annoyed when I asked, “What's today’s special – maybe shortbread or strawberry shortcake? Possibly a short stack of pancakes?”

Yeah, I was on a roll and there was no stopping that (Doom)train from leaving the station. Here is Squall’s 'Legendary Idol' and then I proceed to ask on air, “Squall, why so short tempered today?” You should seen the death glare I got. *snicker* Don’t get me wrong, Cloud was a gentleman. I apologized later and he didn’t seemed bothered at all.


...I guess we all know why he carries such a big sword. Again, bad, Rinoa, very bad. In all fairness, Cloud did have a wonderful recipe for breaded Toad legs. Apparently, on his journey, he and his friends had some run-ins with toads or something. I guess it’s kinda like Squall and Chocobos - everybody has their nemesis greater than they are. But really boys - yellow birds and green frogs? Where are the Blue Dragons or Red Propagators? Add in purple horseshoes and you’d get a breakfast cereal that is magically delicious! I’m sure both of the guys would be scared of that also, but I digress.


Wusses, both of them. You know how much I love Squall, but he just can irritate me at times. I know I irritate him too, which is why we are perfect together.


This leads me to the next thing that I must tell you. Yes, there was another guest that week. And wow, I mean just… WOW. His name was Dante, some son of Sparta or something. I’m not sure if that Sparta guy is a GF or what, BUT WHO CARES - THE MAN WAS HOT. Now you know I love Squall more than life itself, but, why oh why, didn’t Dante show us his sword? That would have been something worth writing home about! Also, I think Squall caught onto my… um… temporary insanity lust. Yeah, it wasn’t pretty. Chef Squall then forced Dante to make the 'short stack of pancakes' I had joked earlier about with Cloud. Oh yeah, there were some manly issues at play.


Squall even caught Dante’s coat on fire by ‘accident.’ Yeah, I heard him utter the Firaga spell under his breath – it was not the 'random spontaneous combustion' my boyfriend tried to get me to believe. Again, just like Cloud, Dante was cool about the whole thing. I’m not sure though after this week if Squall’s going to manage to get a guest cook again. The picture wasn’t as good as the others because we were trying not to use Petrify on each other in the background.



Anyway, this ‘Dante incident’ led us to jealous petty arguing. I know it’s hard to believe Squall and I …fighting. Never. *cough* Well, anyway, that night as I’m brushing my teeth, Squall comes in the bathroom and says, "Yeah… whatever… we’re getting married."


SO WE’RE GETTING MARRIED! It was the most unromantic proposal ever as I was spitting hunks of used toothpaste into the sink, but I love him! I still can’t believe it! He doesn’t want to have a big wedding - you know what a Gil pincher he can be. So we're heading to Florida and getting married down there. I wish everyone could be with us, but I need to get him down there before he changes his mind! Or he sees a Chocobo crossing the road…hehe.


Please tell everybody the news for us!


I love and miss you guys,


Rinoa (Soon to be Leonhart) Heartilly


PS: Tell Irvine that I received the thank-you card for the flowers we sent his ponytail.  Those were possibly the most eloquently-written words I have ever read - the sonnet about his hair ‘throughout the passing seasons' was just - beautiful. I’m thinking about tweaking a few lines here and there and using his poem for my wedding vows. The man is pure literary genius!


Chapter Text

Dear Selphie,

Merry Happy New Everything to you and everyone at Garden! I’m covering it all in one general sentiment right now, so spread my holiday cheer around accordingly.

Don’t worry, I’ll be sending individual cards out later, but Squall is still refusing to pose for a formal family picture with Angelo. I have this image of us all festively decked out in our matching Santa hats but, apparently, my artistic vision doesn’t coincide with his. He much prefers hiring a professional to take a picture of his ‘sinful’ holiday chocolate mousse tort. Although in the spirit of season, he offered a compromise between my idea and his and for his damn tort to wear a Santa hat…

I can’t even…  Seriously? I mean, what, Squall… just what!?

If he refuses, I do have a backup plan. Zone is teaching me how to use Photoshop later. So as god as my witness, “Mr. Scrooge McDuck” will be on the family cards, donning his holiday apparel. He’d just better hope that I don’t learn how to do those photo manipulation things… or he might find himself wearing just a Santa hat.  …Yet another idea I can blame on your boyfriend.

FYI - the image from Irvine’s Christmas card last year is forever burned into my retinas and seared deeply into my brain! Trust me, it was bad enough to receive his ‘nothing but a damn hat’ copyrighted holiday card, but also getting it as a limited edition framed print was a little… much.  Although, the certificate of authenticity signed by you was priceless, “Yeah, it’s all him. Whoop-de-damn-doo.”

Okay, back to the subject everyone keeps asking about. We have set a date to get married; we're heading down to Florida the first week of February. Again, no fuss, no muss, no extra Gil - it's the off season so there's an extra 20% off the room. See? Everyone is a winner... I think.

I know he wants to go through with it, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if the words came out wrong and instead of asking me to marry him, he was just trying to ask me to marinate his steak. Yeah, okay so… now that I wrote out ‘marinate his steak,’ it sounds like the world’s worst sexual euphemism. Damn your boyfriend again, I blame him for my now forever-warped mind. I was innocent… once.

Anyway, about the honeymoon, I want to drive over to Disney World, but he wants to go to the Island Closest to Hell… then again, he made a point of saying they were the same thing. *sigh*

Personally, I think he’s scared of giant rodents that talk. I dunno. Kind of on that subject, did I ever tell you about this whacky dream I had when I was still living at Garden? Not to bore you with details, but basically I’d been working down with the younger students and after a few weeks of Disney cartoons on in the background, I think they leaked into my subconscious. So yeah, let’s just say in this dream, Squall was lost (again, mind you – as he seems to do this way too often. I think it’s because he simply refuses to ask for damn directions, even in Time Compression…but I digress). Anyway, he was lost in this world and worried about Dalmatian puppies.

…Yeah, I have no idea where I get this stuff from.

So anyway… you and Seifer were also in there later on, although you were wearing a school girl’s uniform. Again, I point the finger squarely at your boyfriend. I never realized what a bad influence he was until he was gone! My only consolation here is that at least Seifer wasn’t in a school girl’s uniform too. *winces* Sorry, wandered off track a bit…

Back to the dream, also in there were Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and well, most of the Disney Princesses - Belle, Cinderella, oh and Cloud. Wait, I don’t mean he was a Disney Princess. That came out wrong (okay, so I giggled a little at the thought). I’m just saying Cloud Strife was in the dream too… Of course, this was before I met him in person and he was around the same height as Squall in my mind. *snicker* Sorry, I shouldn’t bring that up again; it was such a short time ago and Squall has such a short temper about it, but I get such a tiny window of opportunity to make jokes.

Basic gist of the dream - nothing made sense. At all. It was like my mind took all these random thoughts and combined them into this one world. I would have liked to blame it on alcohol, but the only thing we ate was those cookies that Irvine brought. Wait, he wouldn’t have…? You know, never mind. He so would.

I just wanted to write you. I’ll keep you informed about wedding and how we’re both Squall’s patiently waiting to see if he can talk the hotel into free coupons for the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. What can I say? I love the guy. So, I will wait by the phone with baited breath… hoping that he can convince the hotel manager there is such thing as an “I-saved-the-world-from-total-annihilation” discount. Seriously. *cough*

Until then call comes, maybe I’ll sit here and write down what I can remember about my dream. Maybe I can make it sound somewhat interesting and turn it into a children’s book or something, even then, it'll probably still sound like some drug-induced hallucination, but it’s amazing what people will buy these days!

Love,
Rinoa (still patiently waiting to be become Leonhart) Heartilly

PS: Well, seems like I forgot to send this right away. So, updating you… First, I met our new neighbor, Albert Einstein or Al as he prefers to family; I told him we just met him, it was sweet that he thought of us as family, but it seemed too soon. He said we’re all ‘relative’ – some theory he has. I’m not sure. I just smiled and nodded, a skill I learned living with Squall.

 

After that I wanted to go to the Holiday Village they do downtown, but you know Squall… Bah Humbug… he had to go prepare his latest holiday recipe “Bah Hamburger.” Ironic, I know. So Al and Angelo went with me. Unfortunately, while we were there a Chicobo landed, Angelo went crazy and jumped into the display, Al started mumbling about something how the dog was only theoretically going after the bird.

When all that was done, I wanted to fall into the water-bed-of-doom but Squall decided that after working late at the studio he wanted to take the holiday card picture. He said something about some ghosts visiting him, I smiled and nodded (I said I was good at that!)

 

 

 

Well, I thought everything was done, but no… When I opened the cards from the printer, I quickly realized that when he said he ‘wanted to take the picture that night,’ it was of his chocolate mousse. So well… Happy Holidays. *sigh*

Chapter Text

Dear Selphie,

Are you sitting down?

…Ready?

It finally happened… Squall got his breakfast buffet coupons from the hotel chain!

I was speechless… and sadly, I really mean that. But you should have seen the way he fought, valiant and noble, determined like the true warrior he is. When one move was blocked, he lunged furiously towards another and the battle raged on for nearly a week. Again, so proud (…can you sense the sarcasm yet?) I swear, I’m not even sure if he slept but, in the end, all those years of Garden training were not in vain as ingenuity won out. He went above the hotel’s manager and followed the chain all the way to the top, finally reaching the CEO. In the end, the long hours paid off and he was given two free all-you-can-eat buffet tickets and the beauty? They upgraded from breakfast to dinner, all together skipping that annoying ‘lunch’ step in between.

Now… I could be worried about how much time he put into this and the fact that he spent at least ten times the money in long-distance charges than he saved one meal. But he said it was all in the name of principle. Still, it was a victory for both of us – he got his dinner and then we high-tailed it down there before the restraining orders were issued….

And got married!

I’m now Mrs. Commander Chef-Extraordinaire World-Savior Squall Cullen Leonhart. And no kidding - that’s what he put in the newspaper announcement. I should be surprised, but sadly I wasn’t. I think I was more shocked that he hadn’t followed through on his promise to change his middle name. I thought that after we visited Garden last time and you forced us to watch the first two Twilight movies he’d get that changed for sure. Of course, it didn’t help that your boyfriend constantly compared Edward and Jacob to Squall and Seifer. I think Irvine’s exact words were: lifeless and creepy against mysterious and canine. I think that bruised Squall’s ego a bit… especially after I said if I was forced to pick, I’d be team Jacob.

My bad.  Anyways, moving on… *bygones*

So, we get to Florida and rest a bit at our hotel, I take a few minutes to freshen up while Squall takes those few minutes to stock up on complimentary the shampoos, lotions, and soaps. Fun fact about my husband - (wow, first time I ever wrote that…weird!) he hasn’t purchased soap in the last four years. Remember when we were all traveling and how we’d always think they forgot to give us soap in the rooms? Remember how we all yelled ‘not it’ and poor Quistis would end up going down and arguing with housekeeping? Let’ just say that Squall’s thrifty. Yep.  It also seems we owe a lot of hotels around the world a large apology. Looking back, after the tenth hotel, maybe we should have seen a pattern….

After that, and because by then tradition had already been tossed out the door, we headed directly over to IHOP for pre-wedding pancakes. And you know how sweet my husband was? He went out of the way to order the ‘world’s biggest cup o’ coffee’ for me! He knows my weaknesses. It was so amazingly sweet, plus who cared up if I was up all night? It was our honeymoon after all.

But… there are few things in life I regret, sadly this turned out to be one of them. By the time we got to the courthouse and stood in line for the judge to marry us, well, I had to go to the bathroom…. did I even once think that one through? Nope, not one iota. I’ve never, ever, ever been so uncomfortable, but damn it if I’d get out of line as with my luck Squall would have Chicken-Wussed out. See? See how upset I was, I even turned Chicken Wuss into a verb!

So, by the time our turn was up, I was the one pretty much begging the judge, “just skip to the ‘I do’ part.” Of course, this made Squall very happy. The whole ceremony lasted thirty seconds, another fifteen to sign the paperwork, a one-second kiss, and then the blur that was me running down the hall and into the lady’s room.

You know, all was well and good until we got back in the car. Then I saw it… Oh yeah, I saw it plain as day - the smirk.

It hit me like a ton of Chocobo feathers. He planned it. My oh-so-devious husband wanted to avoid the longer ceremony and had planned it down to the last drop of caffeine. Evil, I tell you.

Damn it. I love that man.

Honestly, I think he felt bad. The next day, he tried to make it up to me by swallowing his pride and doing that thing that men have feared for decades more than talking about their ‘feelings.’ That’s right… he took me to the Magic Kingdom at Disney World.

It was great! The singing, the dancing, the people dressed up in fairy costumes… Oh wait, that was our honeymoon night. (Don’t dare repeat that. Pro tip: angering a sorceress is vera, vera bad. Love ya!)  But who knew Squall would put his manly pride at stake for me? After sulking about our wedding debacle and not having time to take a formal photo, (I’d stopped caring by then, but had to milk it for all it’s worth) I talked him into getting a picture with my favorite childhood princess, Cinderella. I know she’s Irvine too too – so included a picture for you guys. (Oh, can you please tell him ‘real.’ He’s going to ask, might as well say it now.)

Well guess I better head out for now, but I really do think that marriage is an adventure – I can’t wait to face every moment with Squall. I also can’t wait to learn all these little things about him. Of course, I’ve already learned a few things - he has an ungodly fear of the seven dwarfs (especially Sneezy) and unlike Edward, he doesn’t sparkle.

Most of all I learned that when all is said and done, he loves me. Which is okay, because I love Jacob Squall too. (Sorry, couldn’t resist!)

Chapter Text

Heya, Rinny! Hope you’re having an awesome-sauce filled day!

Wow!!! Itisototalllyawesoesomeyougotmarried! OMG! *Iz doing the Cactuar dance of joy * Rinoa Leonhart, Rin Leonhart, Rinny Leonhart? Nah, should’ve done the Squall Heartilly thing. I’m so totally going to be progressive (okay, more like demanding in my case) and make Irvy go with Irvine Tilmitt. It’s cute, isn’t it? Oh, yeah and Cullen? Squall’s middle name is Cullen? WTF and OMG!

…Need.to.stop.laughing.milk.out.nose. *breathe*  

Ok, ok… I’ll move on, but I’m happy for you guys.  You two deserve happiness. ;)

Now, gotta tell you about my weekend it was… well, it was something. I’m gonna need another weekend after this weekend.  You know, if you think about it… the week has to have two ends, right? Like book ends?  So one would think there’d be a weekend, a week, and then another weekend. Then it would start over… so it’d be like – weekend, week, weekend – weekend, week, weekend. Oh well, I’ll figure that one out later, I sooo gotta catch you up.  .

First, should tell you that the ponytail mourning period has been officially cancelled by me. Kinda figured since his hair’s long enough to make a new one… it’s time to march forward.  If he drowns his hair in mousse and uses gel to plaster it to his head, it makes the littlest most pathetic ponytail I’ve ever seen. Ever. And I worked at a petting zoo, so I’ve seen a lot of pony’s tails. (Hehe, had to.) But, I love him, so I tell him how awesome it is.

Oh, oh, oh….gotta tell you this! No joke. We went to dinner in Balamb and we’re seated across from this older couple. I didn’t realize someone could overhear our conversation, not like I cared anyhow. We were only talking about the ponytail. (BTW, shoulda mentioned this was the six-month anniversary of that ‘fateful day’ so we went out… can I get him to take me out on my birthday? No, he forgets. THIS he remembers!!!)  The problem was that we knew we’re talking about a ponytail, but they were thinking something else…

See, I went all ‘supportive girlfriend’ on him and was all-encouraging and stuff about his new do; stroking his male ego and all that. *gag* So, I’d say something random in the convo like, “it’s the best one I’ve ever seen on a man,” “it doesn’t matter what anyone says, it’s not that small” or “they’ll stop pointing and laughing when it finally grows. Promise, you’re not any less of man.”  We heard them call the waitress over to get the bill all the while giving us the nastiest looks. We were clueless as why they were so irritated, although we’d figured it out later. Irvine had casually said something like - he’s afraid all the lotions and gels are stunting its growth. After the first one was cut off, he appreciated this one even more, but he still felt less of a man.”

Then I told him to quit touching it so much and yeah… they got up, telling us we were sick, sick people for discussing that in a public. I swear, even with Irvine’s warped sense of well… let’s just say Irvine’s warped sense of life, he still didn’t catch on right away. Then it’s like a light bulb went off simultaneously between us and we’re both like ‘duh!’ We shared a good laugh… it’s kinda humorous ‘cause that turned out to be the night we both needed.

Well, enough about those busybodies, although that night they weren’t the only bodies that were gettin’ busy.  Sorry, been around Irvine too much.  XD

Okiedookie, back to last weekend. So, you know how Balamb has their annual “Balamb Fishy Fest” to celebrate - wait for it….still waiting? Good . Just wait one more second to find out what the Fishy Fest celebrates…. It celebrates (drum roll please) the Balamb fish!!!!!! (Betcha didn’t see that one coming, did ya?)   

Unfortunately, the Balamb fish wasn’t the only thing on the celebration menu this year. That’s right, they decided to honor their native son. Who, according to the entire populous of Balamb, single-handedly defeated Ultimecia and thereby saved the world from doom and gloom. Guess our secret’s out Rin, now the planet will know the other five us were just there to look pretty and win rare Triple Triad cards from random strangers.  Technically, we sorta did do that, but it was only like a smidgen!

But yeah, so ‘starteth’ the month of living hell, when Zell Dincht was named the ‘big fish.’

A happy Zell is well… super-duper-mega happy.  By the end of the first day, the group begged Cid to send King Tuna far away. We sorta thought the Deep-Sea Research center was appropriate, but the headmaster didn’t go for it.  So yep, we were stuck with him. Cid did send him on as many away missions as possible… those moments remained our fleeting glimpses of sanity.

Get ready for this next part. At Fishy Fest, they host an annual “GF & Me” contest. Seriously? I think the town’s founders were smoking more than fish when they created this pageant. (FYI… the boys hate when I call it that. Pageant. Pageant. Pageant!) It’ something where you and your GF compete for bunches and bunches of….  nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zero. I guess the title of “Ultimate Superiority in a truly meaningless pageant.”

This is where it all goes bad. If you remember anything about my boyfriend, it’s that being superior to Zell means the world. He was determined – I mean determined – to win this. Since Shiva won last year *shock*I mean… what part of the concept “made out of ice” don’t guys get? Seriously, when I hear any of them say, “I’d hit that.” I ask - why? How? SHE IS ICE! She’s frozen water! Do they think about the logistics? I mean, shrinkage guys… that is if it doesn’t freeze and break off. *huff* Yes, I have issues…I’ll explain later…but I’m *not* bitter, FYI.  I’m just saying it’s not like I see Ifrit and think, “take me hot stuff.” Hot stuff, get it?   Sorry, I need the laugh and thinking about it, he does totally make my loins burn. Okay, okay… I’m.  I’m on fire with bad puns!

Where was I? Oh yeah, GF & Me is like some masculine version of Toddlers and Tiara’s only with tattoos and testosterone. Irvy was all mega-determined said brought up the fact people thought his Bahamut and Zell’s Diablo looked rather similar. I mean, yeah maybe? I guess they both have that dragon/demon thing going on sooo…. This is where it gets crazy, promise.

You know that show Pimp My Ride? With a month to go, he called them up. They didn’t answer him at first, that’s only cuz they dropped the phone in hysterical laughter like any sane person would when asked to pimp out a flying dragon with gold trim.  Shock. They told him he didn’t meet the qualifications cuz you know, Bahamut…not a car. Now, cue my boyfriend being resistant to the concept of logic and recruited poor Quisty in his asinine quest. The ironic part? Irvine begged Quistis to try logic on show’s producers…Really? *snicker* That word, it does not mean what my boyfriend thinks it means. So, Quistis argued that Bahamut flies, has the ability to carry passengers and, by legal definition, was a ride.

They finally gave in. So, next month there is a special edition scheduled to air. Yep. Check your local listings for the first ever “Pimp My GF.” I’m totally coming to Timber to hide with you two… I couldn’t BE any more embarrassed. Seriously, Irvine’s been going around saying “Yo Dawg, I hear you like GFs so we put GFs in your GFs.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? 

Needless to say, as Zell and Diablo pouted in Balamb Park, Irvine had his fleeting moment of glory with his GF pimp. Yes, I said that. Because this is soooo where I’m about to go medieval on his ass. During the crowing of Dork and Guardian Dork…. You know where they get nothing, not even a 10% off coupon of medical supplies…cuz he was sooo going to need them. The reigning GF came over to give him a hug and kiss… Oh yeah, this is what I was talking about earlier…Shiva that frigid ice @!&*%  (Sorry, about the symbols, but that’s my New Year’s resolution. Maybe I should explain it’s not about cussing, cuz I can cuss all I want. No, my resolution was to be more like my new idol, Cid Highwind. He’s so $%@& awesome!)

…. Sorry, sidetracked again. Anyways, the overgrown popsicle with legs walks over to kiss my boyfriend and he can’t stop staring at her boobs! Seriously? Really? Right in front of me? In front of half of Balamb? The picture in the paper…. Oh, yeah… all boobs. Seriously, when I look at this photo I see two small boobs and one large one. *grrrrr* I’m still mad, see, I’m growling?  I’m not supposed to growl at him unless we’re role playing and…. Oops. TMI. (Psst. I’ll tell you in person. I just don’t want to chance Squall reading this. Let’s just say the words ‘Griever’ and ‘junctioning’ are involved.)

 

After that Shiva fiasco, which I’m *not* bitter about, guess what’s next at Fishy? Actually, better give a little back-story that you gotta hear.. I mean, sit down. Really, sit down. Just don’t look at the letter and not sit down. I’m waiting. *stomps foot* youbetterbesittingdownoriwillkickyourbum!  *Grrr….* See!!! Now you made me growl at you! Friends don’t let friends growl at them! Ooops, didn’t think about that hehe.  Don’t tell Irvine - vivid images shall follow.

Now, if you’re sitting down, keep reading…

Your husband is a Chef and Seifer is now a professional puppeteer. Yes, I typed that "write." I guess he was tired of Ultimecia pulling his strings, so he wanted to pull someone else’s. *snort* (Long-distance high-five with that one) Each weekday morning at 8:30, he and Quisty put on their lil’ ol’ puppet show and ,to top off this atrocity, there’s a sing-along at the end.  I think I figured out why Ultimecia compressed time, to save future generations from ever knowing that somewhere this is being carried on in radio waves and it will forever exists within our universe, becoming part of the fabric of time. 

…Yeah. Fabric that is like baby-puke metallic green, is doused in starch, and is home to an entire society of fleas that have elected Seifer their President.

Fine. Maybe I’m being a little overdramatic. I’m still holding a grudge. I can look past that whole Ultimecia betrayal thing, but I can’t get past the fact that THREE YEARS AGO HE REFUSED TO SIGN UP TO HELP WITH THE GARDEN FESTIVLE! I’m putting in a pic of Seifer and his damn little mini me. (Barf)

 

After the paramedics cleared the children, afraid that the residual ‘suck’ from the puppet show would caused medical side effects, it was time for highlight of the day. It was time to PAAR-TAYY watching the Parade…or not.

Just your typical Fishy Fest parade stuff - the Marching Marlin’s high school band and a local dance troupe that each dressed as a Balamb Fish and danced to…..wait for it……still waiting……you want to strangle me, don’t you? Here it comes…… “Dance with the Balamb Fish.” Balamb and original are two words that are highly synonymous – like Irvine and logic.  As far as the dance, I find people dressed in glitter-fish costumes, flopping and rolling around on the ground while remaining  synchronized  to the music … well, I think you’ve got to be totally weird… if you don’t LOVE it! I bought a glitter fish-head hat to practice for next year. 

Since this day was all about Zell (Oddly, “All About Zell” was the name of his self-published book on inspirational life quotes based on various meats.) he and his girlfriend led the parade, being pulled in a chariot by stallions.

 Well, not exactly. It’s Balamb and they only have one carriage… sadly, it’s pulled by unemployed My Little Ponies hired as day-labor. Oh, not sure you’ve heard about the girlfriend, Lara. On one of our ‘attempts to get him outta Garden’ last month, he escorted cadets to the Tomb of the Unknown King. Lara was their doing something… who knows, maybe studying or raiding or something? Whatever it was, they hit it off. Oddly. I mean, every guy at Garden is so totally jealous. I kinda find her annoying ‘cause she always wants to flaunt her abilities. It’s like the girl doesn’t even believe in elevators. I’m not kidding. Literally, she leaps from thing to thing to go upstairs – polls, planters, random ledges. It’s like she’s not even in our world. One time I asked if she wanted to come to drop something off with me and she was like, ‘look, I found a secret spot with med kits’ and I was like ‘no, you found a closet in the infirmary.’ She seems odd. They seem odd together. Then again love is strange and who can resist a man who published a book with such pearls of wisdom as, “If the hot dog fits, you must go get.”

So yeah, there they are being cheered by the crowd.  Lara designated herself the mediator….which was mainly from Irvine, as their bromance was on a downwards spiral. But they’ll be fine; however, I might not be…

…This brings me to the last part of the parade; the part that has been imprinted on my brain like I’m a baby in Twilight and equally as creepy as your husband’s middle-name sake. This thing was *shudders* I can’t…even. When I close my eyes, I still see its beady eyes looking into my soul.

In another stroke of genius, Balamb spent its annual budget, not on repairs or school books that don’t call Adel’s reign current….  No, they purchased a MUCH more practical item. And by ‘practical,’ I mean completely the opposite of – unless one’s looking for a satanic-spawn that’ll suck out your life-force with a straw and then do a jig on your grave while drinking a blueberry and grape swirled slushie. Yeah. They bought one of those giant parade floats. Not like an oversized, beloved cartoon character or a Chocobo, a Mog or something… that they could use for years and years. No they got a Zell. A ZELL.

 

Its smile Rinny, its evil smile… I tell you, it’s the portal into eternal damnation where the only thing in the void of near nothingness is a million-trillion-billion, plus one ,spiders and the Card Queen with just the Plus and Random rules. It makes you wanna curl into a fetal position and yell @%@!!%! The fact that Cerberus, alone, was anchoring proves my point as CERBERUS GUARDS THE GATES OF THE UNDERWORLD!  Need I say more?

Okay so yeah, now that you’ve seen it, I’m pretty sure it’s going to come after your soul while you sleep. Good luck with that, you know I love you! 

So yeah, that was pretty much the Fishy Fest, but one more thing happened that well… there are no words. There aren’t enough words in the entire world, with all known languages combined. It started simple enough (and rather funnily too. Bad. Selphie. Bad. No cookie for you.) Zell was either in lala-land thinking about something like his girlfriend’s boob or Shiva’s (*grrrr* Sorry, I can’t help myself, but Shiva’s a piece of @$*% icicle that’s !$@& milkshake to the yard and #!*@$& with shredded salmon! Okay, that last part was really mean. I take it back, cause I’m *not* bitter!)

…Sorry again, I get distracted by shining things. LOL. So, Zell’s in Zellland and he totally doesn’t see this cute little Chocobo on skates. He trips over the poor, little yellow guy and then… Face plant; right into the grass with the grace of a ballroom-dancing Behemoth. KABOOM! It was perfect and brought a single tear to my eye. And you know me, shutterbug with the camera. I had that puppy uploaded to Garden Square before he’d even brushed the grass off himself. 

So he’s all grumbly, probably cuz he looked all super klutz instead of all super stud. Problem was, he didn’t apologize to the Chocobo in time…said bird had an Uncle. The uncle got all up into Zell’s face and then the ‘guy’ calls Zell a chicken. See, normally this wouldn’t be funny, but the Uncle…a chicken.

 I mean, a real chicken. A big %&@ Giant Chicken! So yeah, not only was he a chicken, he was a chicken trained in martial arts and, man oh man, it twas the fight of the millennium! Tail feathers soared and pride went flying. And yep, gotta know Seifer showed up to videotape, streaming it live to his 2 followers… and guess who they are. THINK!  I won’t say; it will remain a mystery, ya know? Yes, two whole followers and I’d accidently-on purpose let it slip that Angelo had 176. He’s bitter. Teehee! Especially when he found out his girlfriend followed the dog not him. Quistis just explained Angelo is more interesting. I concur.

 

When we got back home Seifer posted the video on Garden Square where he epically named it “Giant Chicken vs. Giant Chicken-Wuss.” Gotta tip my hat, I did laugh….but poor Zell, he did sprain his arm or something although, in the case of a chicken-wuss, guess it would be a wing. I’m so incorrigible, I know. ;)

Well, better go, can’t think of anything else exciting lately. Oh yeah, there was this one thing, which keeps slipping my mind. I always start to tell you…then get distracted. Speaking of that I keep wanting to ask if you got the summer catalogue for Deling Diva’s Boutique? Those silver sequin shoes are awesomesauce and I think I’ll…  Gah, sorry yet again! I got distracted by shining shoes this time. Yeah, back to that thing I keep forgetting (trust me, nothing’s as good as shoes!)

…Anyways, I dunno ,maybe six months ago, give or take? Cid fell into a random vat of acid that Garden just had sitting around and it quickly ate away at his flesh. Surprisingly, he managed to climb out with no problem. Turns out, he’s a terminator. Who knew? He’s some newer model that’s has some indestructible exoskeleton. Wait, is that right…because isn’t ‘exo’ out? Gah….nevermind now I’ve confused myself. Anyways, the whole ‘headmaster was a deadly cyborg ‘never seemed like a big deal. Honestly, I didn’t notice much of a change ‘cept the glowing red eyes during mission briefings…that and some really creepy ‘relationship’ questions Zell and Irvine seem wayyy too interested in.  Sure, they think about THAT one, but not about dangers of frostbite boobs. Still *not* bitter, but, whateves...

Oh yeah, Laguna was at Fishy Fest ‘cause he had some meeting with Cid the day before, but stayed to PAR-TAH.  When he was about to go, he and Matron decided that the headmaster should visit Dr. O for a checkup.  So Cid went to Esthar with Sir Laguna, but don’t worry….

….he’ll be back.  

Hehe. Had to do it! But Love ya,
Selphie ~~ hugs & kisses ~~

PS: Super sorry, I didn’t mean it to go this long. Looking back over it now, I think it’s longer than a dictionary, but as Zell’s book says: Frankly my dear, I’m going to go buy a ham!

PPS: Happy Wedding! Since you guys don’t have wedding pictures for us, we all sent one to you! This was taken before the ‘mano y mano’ fight (or more like ‘chicken y chicken’). Zell’s pride hadn’t flown the coop yet. Don’t worry, we’re getting an official oil painting commissioned for you, so you’ll see our smiling faces as they hang over the back of your couch. (It’s big, you’ll love it! Mainly ‘cuz I paid extra to have Shiva removed from the picture…. Fine, a *little*bitter. LOL.

 

Chapter Text

Dear Selphie,

Hope all is well and glad you (and every else) survived Zell’s… um, “big day.” Giant Chicken vs. Giant Chicken-wuss.  Yep. There are no words to describe that, well, no politewords at least… I’m betting that a few stockpiled comments in Seifer’s ‘répertoire’ of chicken-related commentary were finally able to ‘fly the coop.’

…Sorry, for Zell’s sake, I’m not going to be the rotten egg here. I’ll try not to let my emotions 'crack' through the 'shell.' *cough*maybe*cough*

Because, if I wasn’t ‘trying’ so hard, I might have to mention that I thought you had to be ‘EGGsaggerating..’ about the parade, the float, and Zell’s new ‘chick’. … I’d also have to say that - compared to Seifer’s ego – I would’ve thought Zell’s would be rather ‘poultry.’ Again, those are things I would’ve liked to say, but turns out I’m (chickn’) wussing out of making any of those types of comments.

Bad puns aside, I really was surprised to find Zell’s ego had grown to the size of his float. The day after your letter and pictures arrived, Squall and I received, by private courier, an over-nighted package from Balamb. Turns out it was our “Limited Edition, boxed Fishy Fest DVD set - complete with director commentary and signed lithograph.”

Seriously, what is up with the men at Balamb? First Irvine’s holiday card with his strategically- placed cowboy hat and now big Zell with little Zell *snicker* Guess I could’ve said the same about Irvine and little Irvine, but that produces visual images I’m not ready for; the world’s not ready for.

The “Fishy Fest” picture we ended up with was Zell was standing beside his float – both of them gazing longingly into the horizon. Now, as I ‘gaze longingly’ onto our living room wall, it’s apparent - I ‘m stuck with the worst. art. collection. ever.

See, if Irvine and Zell’s prints weren’t enough, I’m ashamed to admit that there’s a third one. It’s Squall’s holiday chocolate mousse picture… that one from the holiday cards? Yeah, that albatross. Unfortunately, unlike the other two prints, this isn’t a photograph. I wish. Sadly Squall commissioned the most renowned artist in all of Shumi Village to do an oil painting. On its own merits its actually quite breathtaking work…you know, if it wasn’t a damn cake and hanging over my couch!

Oh well, guess it could be worse. That’s what my therapist keeps telling me. Of course he’s hiding his face behind a notepad chuckling, but he swears it’s about something else. Uh huh.

I guess I’d rather take the painting than his likeness being dragged down the streets of Balamb. Can you image if we hadn’t left and Squall had gotten his own float…!?  That much emo in one area could cause space to collapse into itself.   Plus one wrong move and his giant-sized belts could poke an eye out.

Oh, one last thing before I catch you up on my life – I’d skimmed over it earlier, but Zell’s girlfriend. Wow! That sums it up. And sorry, about what you said - about how all the guys turn into… well a gaggle Irivines in her presence.  One is bad enough, but an entire building full of ogling cretins – be careful as that much perversion in one area also can create a black hole. I’m pretty sure that’s solid science right there. Yep. The word is not ready for certain things – a hoard of your boyfriend tops that list.

…So, for the world’s safety, I hope Lara won’t be at Garden all that much. Thankfully, she’s not a SeeDD (<-- see what I did there.) Just remember to keep me abreast of the situation. Sorry, sorry. That was my last pun for a while but, hey, that one tied into both Zell and Laura. It was beautiful. Admit it. :)

Anyways, I’m writing you from our last night in Chicago, Illinois. Right now, I’m currently at a hotel, motel, hole in the wall, a scientific research facility for the mass procreation for bedbugs. Kidding. …bedbugs wouldn’t even dare be caught here. They have higher standards. *sigh* Ah, yes, another winner in my husband’s selection of cheap lodging.

See “Chef Squall’s” TV studio paid for him to attend this three day cooking seminar here in Chicago – airfare was included, hotel was not. (Seriously, what?) So, last week Squall invited his work assistant, “Kitchen Kitten,” (aka me) to travel with him. You know, for about two minutes, I thought it was a loving husband thing, but then I found out that the TV station was footing the bill which included three meals a day for each of us, so yeah… my suspicions were growing.

However, they were solidified at signed in when they asked Squall my name and he said ‘Snack’… Of course, he tried to correct himself by asking the check-in desk if snacks were also included. Worse part, they never corrected my name, so I’ve spent the last three days with a nametag that says “Snack.”

Yep, there’s been comments.*bygones*

Still, cheap-ass husband aside, we’ve actually had a great time. Chicago is beautiful and Squall’s so sweet when he doesn’t mean to be. It’s hard to explain, but it’s one of the reasons I first fell in love with him.

Today there was a few hours downtime between seminars so the station included free passes to the local museums. Squall was hesitant at first, but since the word ‘free’ was in there, so it was a given. After the morning’s class “Stately, Self-Respecting Soufflé” we went to the Field Museum... After listening to the instructor’s two-hour explanation on how food’s ingrained with a “a need to respect itself’ (WTF? I should introduce this guy to my therapist) staring at dead things was welcomed change.  Looking at a bottle of wine would also be welcome change… Actually, I’m fairly sure that instructor was ‘looking’ at quite a few bottles. But whatever…

I got a mini vacation out of this!

Once we got to the Field we found the King Tut exhibit was there and we just happen to catch it. And damn, there’s a guy who wasn’t a cheapskate. Of course, he’s dead, so big downside there… (although if the cockroaches and millipedes flank the bed tonight, we may soon be joining him.) So, after I saw the exhibit, I decided that since Squall has his hobbies – killing, maiming, and cooking - I should have mine. When I get home I’m sooo redecorating the house in Egyptian décor. Squall doesn’t know this yet, I’d rather it be a surprise - let this be a lesson, don’t mess with ‘Snack’ Leonhart.

This is the best part. On the way out of the Tut area I saw a person doing caricature-type portraits. So, I distracted Squall with shiny things (an aptly placed weapon’s display) don’t tell ‘Chef Squall,’ as there’s a little payback in the works for last year’s card. I’m enclosing a picture of the cover of next year’s, but I’ll add the hats later. Heck, I’m thinking of getting a sofa-sized version done. I’ll put it on the other side of the living room and it’ll be like dueling portraits.

 

That wasn’t the only thing we did at the Field. While we were there, I figured I’d continue on my not-so-epic quest… You know, the one to get my husband over his irrational fear of ‘all-things feathered.’ So I coaxed him into taking a step forward. Well… coaxed, demanded, threatened to use a ‘Demi’ Spell on a certain appendage. *cough*ThankYouForTheIdea*cough*

Eventually, he agreed to get up on the replica of the prehistoric ancestor of the Chocobo, Giant Mega Chicken (shhh, he is legend). I don’t know if this really counts as a ‘step forward’ as it was only metallic feathers. I could say that I was being all good-wifey, helping him overcome debilitating fears, but total lie. My goal was to get a picture of him and laugh my ass off (and email a copy to my therapist for kicks).

 

Speaking of feathers, it’s so funny the world seems to think that feathers are some kind of ‘romantic symbol’ of mine and Squall’s relationship... I haven’t the heart to tell them that the feathers flying around in the air were senseless carnage in the not-so-epic battle between Squall and my childhood feather pillow.

*sigh* I like to think that Irvine’s ponytail is resting comfortably on top of my dearly-beloved fluffy cushion of love…. What in the hell did I just write? Yeah, I guess I’m channeling my inner Irvine. (Help, someone find the remote control and change the channel!) or maybe the roaches are experimenting with chemical warfare.

Sorry, where was I? Oh Squall finally got on top of the large chicken. (Yes, yes, I know it was a rooster, but I’m trying to avoid any cock-fighting jokes. Sadly, my husband was channeling his inner Irvine and made a few snide ones. Plus, I think I ran out of chicken puns.)  

So, of course, when the security guard found us and demanded Squall that climb down, I ‘oh so innocently’ made a comment about him being on top. Well, I won’t go into details – channel your inner Irvine and figure it out. I will say that Squall turned ten shades of red. 

Bwhwahahaha, the senseless demise of my pillow has been avenged.

Anyways, before we left, Squall wanted to look at Dinosaurs – I told them I didn’t feel like seeing my father or Cid. *rim shot* Anyways, the Field museum has the largest, most complete set of Tyrannosaurus Rex bones on display, aptly named ‘Sue.”  Squall decided that Sue was misnamed and, henceforth, Mr. Rex shall now be called Seifer. I lovingly pointed out that Sue was a female – he informed me that he was well aware and that’s why the name was fitting.

So yeah, I let it go… I just wish they would.

Their rivalry is no longer relevant. Yeah, we get it, you guys both think you’re cool – reality check one of you bakes soufflés and one of you has your hand up a puppet’s butt. Chef Squall and Happy-Fun Time Seifer (sorry, don’t know his TV name) your days are being cool are over. Really over. So yeah, basically Squall was ‘not impressed’ by the size of Sue/Seifer (Oh yeah, there are comments there, but I can’t – just can’t.)

I don’t get it. Squall says he killed bigger T-Rexaurs when he was eight, but yet he still gets his nuggets in a bunch over yellow bird that’s slightly taller than he is? I often wonder if there was some repressed Sesame Street/Big Bird trauma. Maybe something was brought to him by the letter “T” and freaked him out?   I’m so hard on him, but totally love him more than anything in this world. And I…  

Ahhhh, sorry. I’m just kind of all over the place because I *really* think the bugs in the hotel room are going to attack. They’re currently organizing an advanced tactical military system and I believe they do have weapons of mass destruction. It’s making me nervous.

Okay, back on track – we then went to look at some other Dinosaurs which logic dictated to be named Fujin and Raijin. Because I *may* have been a slight bit on about being called Snack for three days, I decided to try a little sorceress magic, to see if I could bring them to life…

Yeah, thinking back on that it *might* not have been my best decision. People screamed, displays went flying, Night in the Museum DVD sales increased… Well, we finally outran Fuj and Raij and finally figured out how to end the spell. In the meantime we’d fallen into a dinosaur’s footprint. Squall then thought it would be entertaining to yell “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” while doing his versions of snow angels in the dirt. So yeah. Mea culpa on the animation spell.

Still, I had an amazing time and I know Squall did too. I’d even have to say this was the best time we’ve had in a long while, I haven’t felt closer to him in years. Turns out we work best when our lives are in imminent danger. Not to mention tonight is also going to be awesome… as our emotion and adrenaline transfers into other aspects of our relationships *cough*hot!sex*cough*

I’ll even fina a way to ignore the bugs. Actually, it looks like they… wait…

Holy Ifrit on a stick! I um, I think that... Gotta go…!

...Now!

…………..

Wow, I’m sorry about all those scribbles above. Apparently, I had been correct about the bugs.

Thankfully, I glanced over at just the right time and noticed the surprise!attack. The millipede infantry laid cover fire while the cockroaches dive bombed us, aided by the newly formed insect air force. There’s a lot details and an awe-inspiring POW story about a praying mantis caught in the crossfire. It ended when we were attacked by their leader by a rather large bug the size of an eighteen-wheeler truck. And you know my husband, kickin’ its ass and taken names (Frank, oddly the bugs name was Frank – Pet peeve of mine: people always say that but never actually get the name.  I made sure there was name getting’ during the ass kickin.’) After the victory (and a round or two of… well something else) Squall did what he does best and marched down to the front desk and got us a complimentary free night! So woo hoo, extra day of vacation. Since we still have the free tickets – tomorrow the Science and Industry Museum.

If I haven’t said it enough, I love my husband.  Squall and Snack Leonhart, forever.