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Psych; Gus and Shawn the old married couple

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April 16, 2009

"We need to get married, Gus."

"No, we don't."

"I didn't know how to tell you this, but I'm pregnant. You know my father would never approve of me having a child out of wedlock! He'd come after you with the shotgun, Gus. Is that what you want?"

"Even if you were pregnant, which you are not, it wouldn't be my baby."

"Yes it would! Maybe not biologically, but in spirit. If the biker who knocked me up leaves town, aren't you going to--"

"Stop," says Gus finally, "just stop."

Shawn does.

"Shawn. You are not pregnant."

"No," Shawn agrees. "But we should still get married."

Gus leaves.


February 14, 2011

"I had a date," says Gus.

"Yes, you did. She was very pretty."

"Do you know what dates don't like?"

"Thirty-four-year-old pharmaceutical salesman with excellent senses of smell."

"When other men propose on the date."

"You've been going out for two months. It was too soon for a Valentine's date anyway."

"I am not marrying you, Shawn."

"Why not? Give me one good reason."

Gus opens his mouth several times. He has to dismiss "I don't love you," "it's illegal," and "I don't want to," because they aren't true. It's upsetting to realize. "My mother wouldn't approve."

Shawn's eyes light up.


March 24, 2011

"I don't know how you talked her into this," Gus hisses.

"She loves me," says Shawn. "Just like you do."

"Why do you want to marry me?"

"Gus," says Shawn. "My dear, sweet Gus. How long have we been friends?"

"Thirty years?" Gus guesses. It's around there.

"Statistically speaking, that's a third of my projected life. That is longer than any other romantic entanglement has lasted for me. And, I think, longer than one ever will."

"In other words," Gus prompts.

"In other words," Shawn says, "Help me, Gusiwan Kenobi, you're my only hope."

Gus still looks unconvinced.

"You know," says Shawn, "if we're married, we'll get some tax breaks."

There's a pause.

"I want a ring," says Gus.

"Of course you do, princess."


July 17, 2017

"We are getting too old for this."

"Speak for yourself, muffin lips. I'm as young and spry as I ever was."

"You tripped over a garden fence yesterday," Gus points out.

"It was a very tricky fence," Shawn says. "A much younger man could have made that mistake."

"Your hair is gray."

"And you're getting a pot belly, but I still love you as much as I ever have. Isn't it a miracle?"

"What's a miracle is that you're still alive."

"Also my love for you. That's also a miracle."


November 3, 2020

"You know, Gus, there's something we haven't done."

"We are not bungee-jumping, Shawn. Remember that website I showed you about hip replacements?"

"No. We've never consummated our marriage."

"We're not gay."

"Aren't you ever curious?"

Gus considers.

"Okay. But we have to be done before my Matlock rerun starts."

"It's a rerun. You've seen it."

"I like this one!"

"Fine, we'll be done before Matlock. I promise."

Gus sighs. "Fine. But we're using protection. I know where you've been."

"I love you too, muffin lips."

Gus doesn't say "I love you" back. He never does. He never really has to. It's implied.