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My heart is where is it supposed to be

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A/N I had this idea during the last episode of OUAT and after thinking about it a lot I decided to give it a shot, I hope you guys like it.

Disclaimer: The characters that appear in this story aren’t mine I am simply borrowing them 

 

Regina was tidying her study, her lips pursed in discontentment, she still couldn’t get over with the idea that her books and knowledge had been for nothing with Marian’s situation.

Closing one more book and placing it in its place she looked around before sitting slowly in the chair of her study that still looked like the brunette had passed the last few days living there.

And it had been just like that: For the past days Regina had breathed, ate and dreamed about books and magic, wanting to help Hood but, at the end, she had had to face the truth, Robin would have to forget her in order to have Marian back.

And it hurt, but it was more a pang of regret for not being able to discover another solution than the reason itself. She had been furious when she had discovered that Marian was back but, in some way, she wasn’t furious that Marian was alive, it was rage because Robin couldn’t behave like the honored man that he said he was, it was rage because, as it looked, not even fate helped her with her luck. It was rage because she had lost something not rage because she had lost Robin.

Robin behaved like he knew her and maybe it was true but Robin was also a trigger for her past, past that she admitted it existed but past that she wanted to make better with her present actions.

And now with Marian she felt that she was being tested, examined by someone or something that wanted to know if her “redemption” was true and not a trick.

When that kind of thoughts entered her mind she usually laughed a teary laugh because she didn’t feel redeemed at all, she knew that they were waiting for the other shoe to drop, the Charmings and Belle and Rumple, who had been on her side but not anymore, Hook who was still a poor excuse of villain and a coward, were waiting her failure.

And that hurt because she had proved again and again that she wanted to be better, to be forgiven by what she did when she felt that she had no other fate or destiny. It was almost comical that the same thing that had signaled the beginning of her end was the only one maintaining her as useful.

Magic

She wasn’t a fool, she knew that with their black and white views she could never been seen as a part of the good people, of the heroes, the reason that Rumplestiskin and Hook seemed to have reached that point was still a mystery to her.

-          Maybe if I pretend to fall in love and try to redeem myself because of that love they would believe me- muttered under her breath with a sad smirk in her lips, the soulless study the only witness of that statement.

But she knew better and with that she stood and with a flick of her wrist all the books that had been there disappeared, returning to their original places.

Magic was her only safe place. And Henry.

And in and after thought she added Emma to that list. She still didn’t know exactly why or if Emma was telling her the truth but the statements that the blonde had made in her vault had helped her in more ways that the blonde couldn’t even comprehend.

Emma was like her magic, impulsive, erratic but strong and fierce and Regina was thankful that someone like that could still believe in her because there were times in which she felt like she needed to admit the defeat and hid herself in some place. Something that wouldn’t admit to anyone, even she had problems admitting that to herself. She was strong, yes, but also tired of being always the one left out and sometimes even Henry wasn’t enough.

Maybe that had been the reason because she had wanted that the thing with Hood to work out. Because she had needed to feel wanted and appreciated not only by her son.

And that gave her more heartache; she felt selfish wanting to have, to be, more to someone else that wasn’t Henry. She felt that she was betraying him by trying to be happy with someone else. But she also needed that because each day was becoming harder to be herself. In less than two years she had lost her security, her mother, the mother that she could have had instead of the mother that she had had, her half-sister and almost her son. And in top of that they didn’t talk about Zelena, about trying to find who had killed her (albeit she had a pretty good feeling about that) and even if her sister had been crazy and murderous she had been the only family that she had left.

Apart of Henry.

Sighing she exited the study and closed the door behind her thinking of a way to sleep without nightmares but as soon as she put a one foot at the beginning of the stairs a faint knocking could be heard in the main gate.

She closed her eyes and thought for a moment if she could pretend that she wasn’t up but with the new things that were raising in Storybrooke that kind of behavior seemed silly so she turned and opened the main door putting back her normal mask of annoyance and coldness.

Mask that fell as she saw who was standing in front of her with her hands in her back pockets and a shy smile in her lips.

-          Henry is asleep- said automatically but the blonde in front of her merely shook her head.

-          I wanted to know if you were right- muttered the younger woman and Regina couldn’t help the witty comeback.

-          Now that your lovely boyfriend isn’t around?

Emma looked exasperated but let it pass with a shrug.

-          I said it to you; I want to be there, to have your back and after Robin I was… worried.

Leaning on the door Regina arched one brow before smirking, feeling already the pang of hurt in her heart.

-          You thought that I was going to do something extreme? How thoughtful of you Miss Swan, protecting the commoners from the Evil Queen itself.

The blonde pursed her lips and frowned straightening her back as she answered to the last statement.

-          That isn’t true, I was worried because you looked like you weren’t fine and I wanted, I want to know if you need someone to talk off other things apart from him and Marian and…

-          The true love kiss- ended Regina blinking slowly, trying to find the trick of Emma’s behavior, the fine print of the contract, the missing step of the stair. But she didn’t find anyone, the blonde was still looking at her with the same eyes that had been looking at her yesterday while the blonde smiled at her and said “That’s a start”

-          We are not going to braid each other’s hair- said mockingly and albeit she wanted that her voice sounded cold and soulless she knew that she hadn’t deceived Emma who smiled broadly.

-          I was never one of that kind of parties. – Answered the blonde before biting one fingernail. - Can I come in then?

Regina nodded and let Emma in which the blonde secretly thanked her, outside was freezing.

The brunette didn’t know what to think of the new situation, a mere minutes ago she was thinking that she was alone and then Emma had showed up wanting, apparently, to know if she was alright. It was something that she didn’t know how to process and, because of that, she spent a few more seconds looking at the floor once they were both seated.

It was then than Emma cleared her throat and with a voice much more gentle she asked:

-          How are you?

Regina bit her lower lip and tried to appear nonchalantly.

-          Can we please not do that?

-          And what is that? - was the confused question that Emma gave her before taking off her jacket.

-          Trying to normalize the situation, we know that this isn’t a normal situation and that, either way, I will end causing pain and suffering, is better if we accept the fact that that will happen.

Emma looked at the former mayor not knowing what to say, she had had a long day full of surprises that she preferred not to had known and the terror of the threat that the Snow Queen had put in Storybrooke added to her growing concern about Regina’s welfare were turning too much to handle.

-          The thing is- said after a full minute in which Regina had eyed her carefully- That you are trying to help Robin. Even if that doesn’t work out….

-          It won’t work out- cut it Regina, her voice breaking a little at the end- I have told him as much this morning, there is nothing that I can do. The only thing that can break the spell is…

-          A kiss- ended Emma feeling a foul taste in her mouth; she was starting to feel fed up with the whole true love kiss.

Regina nodded and, looking at the blondes eyes she admitted a fraction of the truth that had been bothering her since the beginning.

-          I feel that everyone expects me to do something horrible to Marian, or to not help her at all. I didn’t do anything to her but, somehow is my fault.

-          But it isn’t your fault- exclaimed Emma quickly.

-          Maybe it is not but even Henry implied that now that Marian was an ice statue I could have a perfect ending with Hood.- pausing she looked at her right in which a set of photos were displayed over the coffee table.- I am a terrible mother.

-          You are not- answered Emma vehemently- He is a kid, he had this white or black view of everything and he still believes that everything is a simple as saying “I love you”, he will come around and then he will realize that you are being brave with all your actions.

The older woman scoffed and looked at the blonde while gesturing wildly like every time that she felt trapped.

-          But for now I am being stupid for him and a trigger for the rest of the citizens in this place.

-          But you aren’t going to do anything.

-          And how do you know that Miss Swan? - bit Regina approaching to the blonde who had been sitting at the edge of the coach since her arrival not feeling entirely comfortable.

-          Because I told you, no one here understands me like you do and vice versa, and I know that you are feeling trapped but you won’t hurt anyone, you want to show them that you have changed but you also feel angry at yourself because you wouldn’t have to need to feel that someone approves you.

Regina clenched her teeth but at the end she nodded curtly, not wanting to give the reason to Emma but full knowing that the blonde was right.

-          I have changed, I only want to do the right thing but Robin keeps trying to... I don’t know, start something with me and I don’t want to do it.

-          Not only because of Marian? - Asked softly Emma and Regina shook her head violently.

-          I lost Daniel- started, her voice lower than ever and Emma needed to move next to her to even heard what was the brunette saying.- I lost Daniel and I was devastated, my mother forced me into a marriage and the only thing that I could think about was Daniel. And when in Storybrooke I could touch him I feel alive again, for a moment, a single, short moment I felt that he was with me again, that I was young again. But he wasn’t really here. And I needed to let him go. And I did because he had been gone for a lot of time.

Emma didn’t say anything but she moved her left hand closed to the other woman, not knowing if she could touch the other woman’s back to soothe her or that would be seen as too much by Regina.

-          I love Daniel with all of my soul- was saying Regina, looking at the carpet with a lump in her throat- And I know what is to be left in this world without the person you love and Robin… Robin has another chance. Robin has another chance and he is wasting it and that makes me angry Emma. - The blonde perked up when she heard her name and the feeling that she needed to touch the other woman became too strong to reject it so she put a her left hand in Regina’s bicep and say nothing- Because I am nothing, I should be nothing compared to the possibility of being with the person that you loved in the first place. And even if he is my soul mate I still think that he needs to be with Marian. Because I can’t betray Daniel, no, not Daniel because I know that I will never have it back, but the idea of love that I fought for because of him.

And after that Regina fell silent.

Emma didn’t have listened to the other woman being so passionate before but after seeing it she nodded to herself before talking, her pose being the same as Regina, looking at the carpet but her hand still grasped around the other’s woman bicep.

-          I understand it but you are something, I mean- she babbled but seeing that Regina wasn’t saying anything she continued- You are someone worthy, maybe the possibility of being with Marian is a treasure to Hood but, the thing is, that you are a strong, independent woman and you don’t need to belittle yourself because of Hood.

The other woman laughed an empty laugh before looking directly at Emma who gulped.

-          And what do you know of that? You are seeing the pirate and, let me tell you something, he didn’t see you as someone strong or independent, he only sees a woman. With all the implications that that has for him. And you know it.

Emma sighed and closed her eyes letting go Regina’s arm something that made Regina flinch because of the lack of contact.

-          Hook is something easy- tried to explain the blonde- Besides we are talking about you, about what you deserve.

-          You don’t need to tell me what I deserve- come the answer and Emma opened her eyes and pursed her lips.

-          I know that but I want to tell you that you don’t need to feel sorry for your feelings and Robin needs to see that.

-          You could say the same thing about yourself dear- answered Regina humorless.

-          I told you, I am not talking about me.

The both looked at each other for a couple of seconds before looking at the carpet again, not wanting to make eye contact.

-          I know that Hook isn’t good for me- started Emma finally- But is something that I can understand and manage, it isn’t complicated. That makes me a bad person?

-          No dear, but you are doing the same thing that you keep saying to me, you are belittling yourself because of that poor excuse of human being.

-          You don’t like Hook uh?- asked the blonde with a little laugh and the other woman needed to fought back a little laugh herself.

-          I suppose not dear.

-          I don’t like Hood a lot either- Said honestly the blonde while fumbling with her hands, the soft light of the living room making strange shadows in her skin. - He looks… - she made a strange gesture not knowing how to put her thoughts into words.-

-          That was my very first impression of him- admitted the brunette feeling lighter than ever with the talk that they were having.

-          And how…?

-          How I fell in love with him?- asked Regina turning her head to the blonde who nodded briefly.- Because of fairy dust I suppose.

Emma frowned.

-          I thought that fairies couldn’t make other people fall in love.

Regina hummed.

-          You are right, It was more like a prophecy making itself, a long time ago they told me that my soul mate that the person that sported a Lion tattoo, once I saw Robin’s I think that…

-          You felt compelled to love him? - Ended Emma softly and smiled- I still don’t know how the whole soul mate’s stuff works but needing to fell in love because of a tattoo isn’t kind of… strange?

-          I suppose you are right- Was the soft answer and both woman fell silent for a moment, their son still sleeping upstairs- Do you love him?- asked Regina still looking at the blonde intently.

-          Hook? No, I don’t, I care for him because I know that he can be better but I don’t love him. I guess I don’t want to fell in love with anybody.

-          And why is that?

-          Because- started the blonde with a sad smile- Here if you fell in love a much bigger commitment that in the real “real” world and you don’t fall in love with someone so quickly.

Regina looked pensively at the blonde before making the next question.

-          And how do you fall in love?

-          Sincerely? - asked the blonde and when Regina nodded Emma smiled a little- Slowly, without realizing it.

A/N So here it is the thing, I have the end mostly written but I wanted to know if is better if I end all here or not. What do you think?