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Intra-Ministry Harmony Accord 87

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Prompt: Caroling
Word Count: 2,191
Rating: Teen and up Audiences
Notes: Thanks to Kim and Raa for betaing this for me! They're both amazing people!

*~*

Blaise,

Explain to me why Hermione Granger just dropped off a box of tinsel and told me to use it to the best of my imagination. I know you had a hand in this, so don’t bother denying it.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

I believe you’ve lost your senses as I’ve had no interaction with Granger that would lead her to believe that you need a box of tinsel. I also resent the accusation that I would be up to anything.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

Cut the innocent act! I know you did this. Did you tell her I hate Christmas?

Draco

*~*

Draco,

I didn’t have anything to do with it!

Besides, I didn’t know you hated Christmas.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

It’s getting worse! There are now caroling elves outside my office door! I’ll get you back for this, Zabini!

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Caroling elves? She’s really gone out of her way to try to bring you Christmas cheer.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

I hate you.

Draco

*~*

Dear Draco,

I was informed that you do not like the tinsel, and that the elves are unwelcome. I will have you know that it is my official duty to make everyone love Christmas, and ‘everyone’ includes wealthy pure-blood heirs. Suck it up and get into the Holiday Spirit.

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

I want these elves gone, now. Forget that they’re singing terrible songs that will get stuck in my head—not one of them can carry a tune!

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Bing has a wonderful soprano voice, and I have sent him to help the others with the melody.

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

I don’t want them to carry a better tune! I want them gone.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

No.

Happy Christmas,
Hermione

*~*

Blaise,

I know you’re behind this, and I swear you will pay.

Draco

*~*

Hermione,

I don’t know exactly what you are up to, but I believe Draco will have an aneurism any moment now if you don’t stop trying to infuse Christmas cheer into his veins.

The new soprano, though, adds something to the group.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

Stay out of it.

And , yes, I agree. He’s a lovely singer!

Hermione

*~*

To our Dear and Deeply Esteemed Colleague, Ms. Hermione Granger,

A complaint has been filed by one Draco Malfoy citing Intra-Ministry Harmony Accord 87: all Ministry employees must endeavor to facilitate the ease and concentration of their colleagues to the best of their abilities unless their Ministry obligations prevent compliance.

Investigation of the incident has confirmed Mr. Malfoy’s reports of a “proliferation of tinsel” and “caroling elves bleeding my [censored] ears off”. To best comply with Accord 87, please “tone it down a bit.”

If you believe that this complaint has been filed in error, you may return a detailed defense by owl or by hand at our seventh floor office.

Percy Weasley
Deputy Undersecretary
Acting Chair, Office of Intra-Ministry Harmony
Ministry of Magic.

*~*

Hermione,

This is unofficial, of course, but I hear he’s ready to pull his hair out! Congratulations!

Percy

*~*

Granger,

LESS ELVES! NOT ONES THAT SING BETTER!

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Oh? I thought the complaint was that they were “bleeding your [censored] ears off”. To remedy the situation, I provided the most musical elves Galleons can buy. If you wish to test this, their rendition of “Island of Misfit Toys” is quite fantastic.

Happy Christmas,
Hermione

P.S. You don’t have to tattle on me to the higher ups. I have approval for my actions. Stop being such a Scrooge.

*~*

Hermione,

I don’t know what a “Scrooge” is, but if it doesn’t have elves singing outside of its door, then I will gladly be one. What do I have to do to make this stop?

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Do? All you have to do is enjoy Christmas. What’s the big deal, anyway?

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

It’s none of your business why I hate Christmas! Just make the elves stop. I will take my complaint to the Prophet if you don’t cease and desist!

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Your threat is hilarious. In fact, you might find a few wet spots on the return letter because I was laughing so hard that I actually cried! I hardly think anyone will be sympathetic with your ‘plight’. Most, I think, would agree with me; you should relish in Christmas! There’s caroling (as you’ve experienced yourself), food, presents, friends, family…so much to look forward to.

Buck up! And Merry Christmas!
Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

Some people don’t have friends or family, so the holiday is a waste of time and energy.

Draco

*~*

Granger,

I don’t know why you did it, but thank you for removing the elves from outside my door. I can finally concentrate.

Draco

*~*

Blaise,

What does Draco usually do for Christmas?

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

I believe that he usually sleeps in and then sulks all day.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

He hates Christmas because he’s alone?

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

Now that you mention it, since his mother died, he does seem to be less thrilled about any and all holidays. I know that when he was younger, his mother threw lavish parties and heaped gifts on him. You think his dislike of holidays could be related?

Blaise

*~*

GRANGER,

THE ELVES ARE BACK. THEY ARE NOW INSIDE MY OFFICE! MAKE THEM LEAVE!

DRACO

*~*

GRANGER,

IN CASE YOU MISSED MY LAST OWL, GET THEM OUT OF HERE! THEY KNOCKED OVER THE INKWELL AND IT SPILLED ON A BRIEFING I’VE BEEN WORKING ON FOR DAYS!

DRACO

*~*

 

Hermione

I can hear Draco cussing at the elves from my office down the hall. Maybe you’re going a bit overboard?

Blaise

*~*

Hermione,

Why is Malfoy in the Auror department trying to have you arrested for harassment?

Harry

*~*

Harry,

Because he’s a delicate character who just needs a dose of happiness!

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

I don’t know what that means…

Harry

*~*

Harry,

It means that I’ll be bringing someone else to your Christmas party so give everyone notice that he’s coming with me.

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

It’s Christmas! Why are you punishing everyone by making them spend it with Malfoy?

Harry

*~*

Harry,

Don’t make me come down there to give you an attitude adjustment. Christmas is about being together and family. Malfoy has no one, so we’re going to be his surrogate family.

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

Are you out of your bloody mind? No one, not even Malfoy, would want that!

Harry

*~*

HARRY POTTER,

GET THESE ELVES OUT OF MY OFFICE!

DRACO MALFOY

*~*

Hermione,

He’s sending me Howlers to get rid of the elves. Taking it a bit far, aren’t you?

Harry

*~*

Harry,

Nonsense.

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

I don’t know what you did, but Draco just ran out of his office screaming. Two elves chased behind him, holding what appeared to be fruit cake.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

I will be working from home for the rest of the day. If elves appear here, you will be the person I kill.

Draco

*~*

Hermione,

Draco is no longer in the building and the elves are getting restless. They are now singing carols to anyone who passes by. It was funny when it was just Draco, but Stanley in Accounting is afraid to come out of the loo because they blasted him with “Wish You a Merry Christmas” and threw a few glass balls at him. Would you mind getting your minions?

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

Where did Draco go?

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

I can’t tell you that he’s working from home. But just know that if elves appear there, you will be attending my funeral next week.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

Thank you for sending Hermione to my home! My house-elf just informed me that she’s arrived. I haven’t decided how I will kill you, but I can tell you that it will hurt. A lot.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

I didn’t send her there.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

Because of you I have to attend Potter’s Christmas party. She wouldn’t agree to withhold the elves unless I agreed to accompany her!

Naturally, you’ll be coming as well because I told her how you have less Christmas spirit than I do.

Draco

*~*

Blaise,

You’ve never had a Christmas tree?!

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

Draco is a dirty liar.

However, you can remove the fir you’ve put in my office. I can’t get to my desk!

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

Be that as it may, Parvati will be thrilled that you’re coming.

Oh, would a smaller one do?

Hermione

*~*

Draco,

Merry Christmas to me! Patil is thrilled I’m coming!

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

I hope your dick falls off.

Draco

*~*

Parvati,

Good news, Blaise is coming to Harry’s party.

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

Really? Why do I care?

Parvati

*~*

Hermione,

DID YOU TELL BLAISE I FANCIED HIM?

Parvati

*~*

Parvati,

I would never be so obtuse.

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

You didn’t say anything? Then explain why he’s asked me what color I’m going to wear so he can dress to match!

Parvati

*~*

Parvati,

Oh, what a brilliant idea! What color will you be wearing?

Hermione

*~*

Hermione,

I’ll be wearing blue. What exactly did you tell Blaise?

Parvati

*~*

Parvati,

Sorry. Don’t have a lot of time to write to you as I’m swamped with spreading the Christmas spirit, working on these case files to hand off to Draco and Blaise, and trying to convince Stanley in Accounting that elves will not be in his home when he leaves (poor dear has been muttering to himself ever since he came out of the loo). I’ll talk to you at the party.

Hermione

*~*

Draco,

I will be wearing a scarlet cocktail dress to the party. I’m letting you know so you can match your tie!

Hermione

*~*

Blaise,

SHE WANTS ME TO DRESS TO MATCH!

Draco

*~*

Draco,

It’s a good plan. Lets everyone in the room know to keep their hands off of the woman you fancy! I suggested Parvati and I do the same.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

I do not fancy Granger!

Draco

*~*

Draco,

You’re in denial, my friend. You’ve fancied her for a long time. Lucky for you, I think she feels the same!

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

Are we sure the tree in your office isn’t putting off fumes to make you high?

Draco

*~*

Draco,

You watch her all the time. I’ve noticed how you stare at her during our meetings. The sooner you admit that you fancy her, the easier this will be!

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

I stare at her because I’m continuously amazed that her hair defies gravity the way it does!

Draco

*~*

Draco,

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

You’re a pompous ass and I hate you.

Draco

*~*

Granger,

If you would be so kind, please send the elves to Blaise’s office.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

I will not use my elves for your nefarious purposes.

Have you selected a tie, yet?

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

There is no ulterior motive in having the elves serenade Blaise. Your Christmas spirit has rubbed off on me and I would like to share it with my best friend.

Yes, I have a tie. Unfortunately, it is red.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Given your opinion of the elves, and the numerous complaints you tried to file against me regarding their presence inside and outside of your office, I don’t believe a word you’ve said about Blaise, his Christmas spirit, and your intentions.

I think you would look dashing in red.

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

Think I’m dashing, do you?

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Your arrogance never ceases to amaze me.

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

You still said you think I look dashing.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

I didn’t say that. I said, ‘I think you would look dashing in red’. I never gave any indication that I think you’re dashing in regular clothes.

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

So, you think I would look dashing outside of clothes?

Draco

*~*

Blaise,

Merlin help me, I’m flirting with Granger. I blame you, naturally.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Blame me all you want, but if it gets you laid and makes you a nicer person, I don’t care.

Blaise

*~*

Draco,

Are you flirting with me?

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

We’ll resume this conversation at Potter’s party.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Thank you for escorting me home last night. I never could hold my liquor. I seem to remember that you told me I was beautiful.

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

Clearly it was the alcohol talking because you weren’t beautiful.

You were breathtaking.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

Would you care to join me for a cup of tea? If you say no, I will send the elves to sing some more carols to you.

Hermione

*~*

Granger,

NO BLOODY ELVES…but yes, to the tea. I wouldn’t dream of turning down that invitation.

Draco

*~*

Draco,

I stopped by your office to see if you wanted to have a drink after work but I was told that you were otherwise engaged with Hermione. Well done, old sport.

Blaise

*~*

Blaise,

Bugger off!

Draco

P.S. Maybe I fancy her a little bit.