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Steampunk Opera: A Smart-assed Summary of FFVI

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Once upon a time, people used magic for evil. So there was a war, and then they decided to never use magic again. Then about eighteen years ago, they decided to start using magic again. But probably not for evil.

Probably.

...


I could have sworn I was named after a vapor rub.


Let's review! We are a unit of soldiers from the EMPIRE who are headed to NARSHE to capture an ESPER, which is a magical beast from hundreds of years ago. It probably smells.

[BIGGS, WEDGE, and TERRA march around in their MAGITEK ARMOR. NARSHE tries to STOP THEM, despite having nothing but FLIMSY SWORDS and a couple of DOGS.]


So like, what are you guys doing this weekend?

...

[The SOLDIERS infiltrate the MINE, where they are forced to ENDURE the usual CONDITIONAL BOSS BATTLE.]

...


...

...


...


You gettin' any of this?


Not as such.


...!


BLARGH!


... BLARGH!

... ... ... BLARGH!

[TERRA regains CONSCIOUSNESS under the care of ARVIS.]


I can't remember anything. Except my name: Terra. I can't remember my last name, but I'm sure the credits will.


When I found you, you were wearing this slave crown.


... That was one crazy Yom Kippur!


... anyway, you need to leave now.


Why, because I'm Jewish?

[TERRA escapes into the MINES, with GUARDS in HOT PURSUIT. She LEVEL-WHORES until she learns ANTIDOTE, and then FALLS down a HOLE.]


I had a feeling she'd fall down a hole, so I called for reinforcements.


Did someone say girl?


Well, if it isn't the thieviest thief that ever thieved. How are you today, thief?


...


Ahaha I'm just fuckin' with ya. Go save the witch.

[LOCKE the THIEF TREASURE HUNTER finds TERRA in the MINES, only to be FACED with LOTS of GUARDS and WOOLY MAMMOTHS.]


I don't think my rugged good looks will save me this time! I guess I'll just have to steal their clothes.


... Or alternatively, we can demonstrate the MPB: Multiple Party Battle. And I can dance a jig.


That, too.

[LOCKE and the MOOGLES save the DAY. LOCKE takes TERRA to the TOWN'S ENTRANCE.]


I have to stop falling on my head. Who are you?


I'm Locke. I tend to fixate on any lady I rescue and follow her around to make sure she never comes in contact with danger again. It's a perpetual method of atonement, seeing as how my fiancee was brutally murdered because I turned around for a second. I'm trying to bring her back to life, by the way. When I'm not rescuing ladies.


Why, that's not self-destructive at all!


I know, right?

[LOCKE and TERRA travel SOUTH to the KINGDOM of FIGARO, where they are GRANTED an AUDIENCE with the KING.]


Come in, come in, you must be exhausted, because you've been walking through my mind all day.


Beg pardon?

[KEFKA, the EMPIRE's COURT MAGICIAN, arrives in SEARCH of TERRA.]


Hello, witch-retrieval. She borrowed my mascara and I have a date tonight. WITH AN ESPER.


...


Damn it. I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.


I have no idea where she is. There are like, FIVE WHOLE GIRLS in this castle.

[KEFKA decides to BURN DOWN FIGARO, resulting in EDGAR, LOCKE, and TERRA ESCAPING on CHOCOBOS.]


That'll learn 'em.


You underestimate Figaro's ability to dig holes and hide, natch.


Eat TekMissiles, bitches.


I think I'll cast Fire, even though Edgar's Autocrossbow is much stronger.


DID YOU JUST SEE WHAT I JUST SAW?!


Yeah, she was doing that, like, the whole way down here. Cool, eh?


It's magic! Here, let me spell it for you since you are obviously an idiot: M-A-G-I-C.


I SUDDENLY FIND HER SKILLS SHOCKING.


Ugh, I've just ruled you two out as love interests.

[The PARTY JOURNEYS to SOUTH FIGARO and to MOUNT KOLTS.]


Hey, did I mention I had a twin brother named Sabin? He ran away ten years ago and I haven't seen him since.


Wouldn't it be funny if we ran into him on Mt. Kolts and he saved us from a boss with his moves from Street Fighter 2?


Ha! The odds against that are astronomical!


NOW YOU WILL DIE.


Hey guys, what'cha doin'? Savin' the world? Can I come?


... yes.

[The PARTY visits the RETURNERS' HIDEOUT.]


The Empire is trying to bring about another War of the Magi. We must stop them before it's too late! Terra, you are our last ray of hope. Will you help us?


That depends on what kind of prize you're willing to fork out.

[The LOCATION of the HIDEOUT is COMPROMISED, and the RETURNERS must EVACUATE.]


I'm going go steal some clothes. I mean slow the Empire down. No, actually, I did mean steal some clothes.


We'll head back to Narshe on a rickety raft.


Nothing could possibly go wrong.


Hello.

[SABIN DRIFTS away DOWNRIVER. EDGAR appears STRANGELY UNCONCERNED. MOG EXPLAINS that ALL THREE PARTIES must RETURN to NARSHE. TERRA's SCENARIO is BORING.]


I'd question why I didn't drown, but let's not open that can of worms.


Hello.


Please note that I may leave at any time.


Goodbye.

[SABIN happens along DOMA's WAR with the EMPIRE. He meets CYAN, and TOGETHER they TRAVEL through a PHANTOM FOREST.]


O what cruel fate! Mine wife and child murdered more painfully than mine language in this summary!


Let's ride that ghost train. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

[Things go WRONG. SABIN and CYAN and MAYBE SHADOW and a GHOST run AROUND the TRAIN. Then they go to BARREN FALLS and for some REASON, decide JUMPING OFF is a GOOD IDEA. Then they LAND on the VELDT. The VELDT seriously doesn't make ANY SENSE.]


I get the mammoths and stuff, but what the hell are imperial soldiers doing here?


Me best party member, or worst party member?


Probably worst.

[SABIN, GAU, and CYAN travel the SERPENT TRENCH, and then get on a BOAT in NIKEAH to HEAD BACK to NARSHE. This ENTIRE SCENARIO apparently HAPPENS over the SPAN of FIVE MINUTES.]


I can steal people's clothes. Like, off their backs.


There are definitely no secret passages anywhere in this town.


I heard they captured that famous lady general because she turned traitor, and that she is most definitely not being held in that underground passage that does not exist.


Did someone say girl?


I'm not looking for a relationship right now.


Yeah, like I'm going to hound after some seventeen-year-old. Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?


I'm eighteen.


DIBS.

[Even though it DOESN'T make any SENSE, EVERYONE reaches NARSHE within MINUTES of EACH OTHER. This is SUPPOSED to be COOL, but is really just a PLOT CONVENIENCE for ITO and KITASE.]


The Empire will never come here for the Esper.


Hey guys, the Empire's coming for the Esper.


I hope you were all paying attention at that last MPB.

[If the PLAYER is SMART, the DECISIVE BATTLE can be WON with ONE PARTY consisting of LOCKE, CELES, SABIN, and EDGAR.]


Oh, fiddlesticks, my toes are cold. Toodles!


Let's have Terra talk to the frozen Esper.


Yes, because it worked so well last time.


...


...


...


...


LOL G2G

[LOCKE regains CONSCIOUSNESS.]


You're awake, and I see you collect eighteen-year-old girls.


I don't know how to break this to you, but Terra is a pink, flaming thing streaking across the sky, and strangely no longer my type.


We have to go after her!


...


Unless you guys have something better to do?

[The PARTY travels to KOHLINGEN.]


Each step through this village sends ripples of agony through my OH HEY MY GREEN BERET. <3


x.x


See how beautiful she is, preserved like that? Are you thirsty, Rachel? Would you like some tea?


... we'll be upstairs.


I'll join your party if you feel like trekking back to Narshe and leaving someone behind.


We don't.

[The PARTY travels to ZOZO in SEARCH of TERRA.]


There is no Zozo.


It's not 6:10:50.


And there are definitely no girls at the top of this building.


I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE LYING.

[The PARTY finds TERRA and RAMUH.]


Hello, Terra, naked and fiery and somehow my type again.


Is Terra an Esper?


HA! NO, that would be campy, lame, and entirely too predictable. She's half-Esper.


... fetchquest?


Infiltrate the Empire and rescue my friends. Here, in return, you can caress my cold, shiny corpse.


...


It'll teach you Bolt.


Oh, WELL THEN.


I'll go to the Empire, seeing as how I grew up there and know every nook and cranny.


So we'll have a map for the Magitek Research Facility?


No. And I see you have assured the entire party that you will ensure my safety, despite the fact that you are a thief and I am a knight.


Yes, you will notice this happens frequently.


If you need me, I'll be back here with my boomerang.

[The PARTY LEVEL-WHORES for a WHILE, because it takes FOR-FUCKING-EVER to LEARN CURA. Then they go BACK to JIDOOR.]


How do we get to the Empire? Because in case we haven't mentioned it yet, the Empire is on an island and no boats are going there, anymore.


I'm sure that the answer will somehow come to us in this rich, rich town.


Your female party member looks just like Maria, the beautiful opera singer that Setzer, the THRILL-SEEKING gambler, claims he will kidnap with his AIRSHIP, so that he can marry her, probably on his AIRSHIP, seeing as how it is the ONLY AIRSHIP in the WORLD. Also, he is SEEKING THRILLS.






AIRSHIP AIRSHIP AIRSHIP


I'm going to volunteer Celes to stand in for Maria, because I think the entire thing is hilarious.


DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DAAAAAAAA


And painful.


So Celes will let Setzer take her away, and she'll lead us to his airship.


Nothing could possibly go wrong.


Hello.

[CELES turns out to be an OKAY SINGER. LOCKE cannot ACT. SETZER is HUSTLED into JOINING the PARTY. They TRAVEL to the EMPIRE, and then SETZER makes them WALK. The PARTY acquires MORE MAGICITE, and ENCOUNTERS the STUPIDEST DESIGN of CID.]


Celes has been spying for me all along.


I see absolutely no reason to doubt Kefka's words.

[CELES TELEPORTS herself and KEFKA away. LOCKE and his FRIENDS ESCAPE through a MINE SHAFT, and then with SETZER. TERRA NARRATES her LIFE STORY.]

 
+
_____________________

[TERRA rejoins the PARTY with a STUPID SKILL.]


Well, now that that's taken care of, let's get back to Banon.


Who?


You know, Banon.


Where?


... the leader of the Returners?


The what?


Our boss?


Ohhhhhh I thought we were just a wandering party now.


Who?

[The STILL!RETURNERS return to NARSHE to BRIEF BANON.]


Well, I'll be damned. You're all alive!


I owe you a coke.


Hey--


I suppose you want more plot now.


That would be nice. We've been level-whoring all this Magicite and need some more.


...


It's strangely addicting.


We can see why Kefka likes this power thing so much.


Well, I was going to suggest you head for the Sealed Gate and ally with the Espers--


ESPERS


MAGICITE


... and help save them from Gestahl.


Then off we go!


To the Sealed Gate!


To save the Espers!


Ahaha! Yes! Save.

[The PARTY flies AROUND for a WHILE, searching for the goddamned SEALED GATE. They find a CAVE instead. A cave full of LAVA.]


MOTHERFUCKERRRR

[The CAVE is full of SHINY TREASURE, including the ATMA ULTIMA WEAPON. Its ATK PWR is DEMEANING.]


Give it to Locke or Edgar and check out their vitality.


...


...


That is the limpiest, most pathetically droopy blade I have ever seen.


Ahahaha! It's funny because you have penises.

[The PARTY reaches the SEALED GATE. TERRA attempts to SPEAK to the ESPERS.]


This is going rather smoothly. I mean, except for the lava.


Thanks for jinxing us, genius.


No problem.


Hey.


HAY GUYZ


Oh, for christ's sake.


Kefka! Have you seen my girlfriend?!


SHE SAYS YOU SUCK


Well, when you go back, can you pass her this note?

[The PARTY does BATTLE with KEFKA. It's a pretty POINTLESS BATTLE, but gives way for one of the COOLEST SCENES in the GAME.]


WHASSSSUUUUUP


WHASSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP


We appear to be in the Esper Express Lane!


WHEEEEEEEEE


OW! Did a goddamn unicorn just hit me?

[The ESPERS are PISSED OFF. They fly to VECTOR and KILL IT WITH FIRE. They cause ACTION.]


Get down!


Oof.

[And MORE ACTION.]


Get down again!


Okay, I think someone misses Celes.

[The PARTY decides to go to VECTOR, because they are IDIOTS.]


So how are things here?


ON FIRE


That's the spirit!


My capital city is in ruins, my people are suffering, my ideals have been misguided...


Well, who's hungry?

[The PARTY is INVITED to DINE with the EMPEROR.]


Not so fast! You must wash your hands, and talk to all our soldiers.


WHAT UP, BITCHES


Is he getting crazier, or is it just me?


I'm more disturbed by the fact that he is on the toilet, and we are still here.


We're disgusting.


... Well, who's hungry!

[GESTAHL proposes a TRUCE and a PLAN.]


Ahaha! There is nothing like unspeakable pain and suffering to bring people together. Incidentally, sorry about Doma.


...


Long story short: we need Terra to talk some sense into the Espers so we can all negotiate a truce.


That sounds like a great idea.


I agree wholeheartedly.


I don't see any problem with this.


Hasn't anyone noticed that something goes horribly wrong each time I talk to the Espers?


... Who?

[TERRA and LOCKE prepare to SET SAIL with GENERAL LEO, SHADOW, and CELES.]


Hello, Terra. I see Locke is throwing boomerangs from behind you these days.


I was here first, to be technical.


Hahaha! Ladies! I can explain.


We'll be heading to Thamasa. Celes and I will be the home team, and you guys can be the visitors.


That's kind of a strange party line-up. I mean, we all have the conflicted loyalty thing going on. Shouldn't you have Shadow in your party, since you hired him?


Well


That is





... look, we just really don't want Shadow, okay.

[The JOURNEY allows for some REFLECTION.]


So much has happened. But I believe my original dilemma was not knowing what love felt like.


I'm pretty sure that was the most important thing about this game.


Well, this is a tense and complicated subject. Emotions are so delicate, especially for a novice such as yourself.


Well, g'night.


...


I can't help you, either. I mean. If you were wondering.


... ... ... ... ...


SHENANIGANS

[LOCKE, TERRA, and SHADOW travel to THAMASA.]


It feels good to be back.


In the country.


Shut up.


I sense magic in this village.


No you don't.


Hello, Grandpa. Still alive, I see.


YOU DRIVE ME BANANAS


Wow, mister! You have such a cute dog!


He eats faces.


But not mine, for some reason! Isn't that funny.



Check out my Memento Ring!



Would you look at that! Only the two of us can equip it!


Well, gotta go!

[That night, STRAGO invades their INN.]


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


What's that, boy? There's a fire at the old Wilson place? And Relm is inside?


Let's go! Even though they have magic, ours is probably better.


Yeah, I could cast Ice 2.


I suppose.

[THAMASA magic SUCKS. STRAGO heads INSIDE after RELM. TERRA and LOCKE follow, probably because they are TIRED and NOT THINKING STRAIGHT.]


This place is a lot bigger than it looks from the outside.

[SHADOW ends up SAVING the PARTY. The NEXT DAY, their REAL QUEST can BEGIN.]


I'm gonna be my own party. You lame-os are really affecting my coolness factor, what with your failed heroic rescue and all.



We worked hard for that failed heroic rescue.


Anyway, I'm leaving. Tell Relm I'm not her father.


What a perplexing parting statement.


I'm sure it doesn't mean anything. More importantly, we now have two party slots free.


I'm sure it doesn't mean anything.


I'll be joining you.


Aw, man.


I mean


... aw, man.

[The PARTY goes to EXPLORE an OMINOUS MOUNTAIN.]


Nothing could possibly go wrong.


Hello.


Oh, come on.


If only there was some way for Ultros to see what a monster he is.


ART BEGETS LIFE, BITCHES


what


this can't


How long has this spinach been in my teeth why didn't you guys tell me?

[The PARTY finds the ESPERS.]


Well. This was a great secret hideout, Frank.


I am the product of a nasty tryst between an Esper and a human. Except for the no-love thing, I turned out all right!


Your emotional instability has swayed me.

[The PARTY returns to THAMASA.]


You guys found Espers? Man, all we found was dirt. And grass.



And one rock.


Aaaaaaannnnnnd, truce! That was easy. Game's over.


It can't be over! We still have to reunite the party, face off against evil, and preach unto it the virtues of truth, justice, and the Watcher Way!


HI EVERYBODY!


Phew, there we go.

[KEFKA KILLS EVERYTHING.]


Kefka, why?


There are backstabbers all the way up to the Emperor.


But, you said the Emperor ordered this attack.


Oh, sorry. I lost some of my foreshadowing.


Anyway, the Emperor and I are going to restore the Warring Triad now.


If anyone's wondering where to head next.







X.X


Foreshadowing

[The PARTY reunites.]


Compared to what happened here, my little liaison with the tea lady doesn't sound nearly as impressive. But I'll tell it anyway!


Well, I guess it's off to the final dungeon.


Which is the Floating Continent, in case you didn't know.


I guess we should mention that the Warring Triad is the trio of goddesses who turned humans into Espers and made them fight wars.


They turned themselves to stone to atone for their deeds, and are currently resting in a very delicate balance on the Floating Continent.


When did it start floating, anyway? What is the deal with that?


So! Off to the Floating Continent, to stop Gestahl once and for all.


We can't! I still don't know what love is!


Probably a good thing, too! Seeing as how we're all going to die.

[The PARTY heads to the FLOATING CONTINENT.]


Guys, wait! Shouldn't we pick up Mog?


Ugh, how many more useless art-mancers do we need?


Are we ready for the final dungeon?


Actually--


TOO LATE, UNDER ATTACK


Relax! All the worthwhile party members are back together!


Nothing could possibly go wrong!


Hello.











FOR FUCK'S SAKE

[ULTROS and Chupon TYPHON throw the PARTY overboard. They LAND on the FLOATING CONTINENT.]


Hey guys what's up.


... So far, everything is going wrong.

[MEANWHILE, GESTAHL and KEFKA are PLOTTING.]


I have been waiting for this moment for twenty years.


Ahaha! Yes, it's a shame you're going to die soon.



Um, because.


Because you're so old.


You waited too long to begin your conquest and now you're too old to enjoy it!



... whew, saved it.

[The PARTY clears the FINAL DUNGEON.]


Hey, we can jump back down to the Blackjack from here!


Why would we even do that.


We'd have to start over again.


Dumbass.


NO GIRLS ALLOWED


Now that's a large, firm ultimate weapon.

[The PARTY defeats ULTIMA, and CONFRONTS GESTAHL. CELES shows up to FILL your FREE SLOT.]


You know, I'm starting to think Kefka may be crazy.


Triiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.


DEATH TO ALL HUMANS


Oh dear.

[KEFKA KILLS GESTAHL. Then the WARRING TRIAD KILL the EARTH.]


Oh right, the Blackjack isn't around
now. No, we gotta run.


Why did I spend so much time killing Leafers at the beginning of the game, if not to outrun the Apocalypse right now?


Where the hell is Shadow, anyway? We've been waiting for like five minutes.


Insensitive dick. I'd like to experience the Apocalypse from the comfort of my own airship.


IT IS A GOOD DAY TO DIE


No, it isn't; it's cloudy.

[EVERYONE DIES. OR DO THEY?]