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Moloch's Self-Improvement Project

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Day one, week one:

Alter your routine; change starts with you !

I have successfully implemented the first phase of the self-help book titled: How to Transform Your Workplace in Four Weeks, and the results so far have been palpable. The atmosphere is changed and Purgatory seems almost welcoming now (muffling the screams of the lost souls may have something to do with this). The books says a relaxed environment will increase productivity. 

To test this theory I threatened Officer Andy Brooks twice today. Earlier, when the chorus of agonized screams surrounded him, Andy Brooks cowered in fear and did my bidding. Just now, without the accompaniment of agonized screams, I menaced Andy Brooks. This time, he did my bidding, then cowered.

The book says I should journal to monitor my observations.

I find cowering annoying.

There is nothing on the subject of cowering in the book. 

Note to self: The VERY IMPORTANT SECRET MISSION begins today. I have laid my traps, and the witnesses have fallen for the bait. 



Day three, week one:

Be kind, but firm. This is the key to getting what you want!

I have been disappointed by my servants.

First, the witnesses were allowed to acquire an extremely important artifact from the fields where the Battle of Saratoga was once waged. The location of that bitter defeat should have been the perfect hiding place for a powerful weapon to be used in the impending apocalypse. Yet my minions failed to protect it, and it has fallen into the hands of the infernal Ichabod Crane and Abigail Mills!

I sigh. The books says I should be more understanding when confronted with the failures of my underlings. So, I pick up my pitchfork and proactively impale one of them. The book was right. I do feel as if that accomplished something. My underlings now fully understand the consequences of their actions, and the few run their eyes reflected their resolve to support their team. I trust they have taken my warning to heart and will not fail me in the same way again. 

I am also making an effort to be more encouraging. I grace Captain Frank Irving with a vision of the glorious future he will have if he joins me, slaughtering innocents and setting fire to unsuspecting motor vehicles. He seems shaken, which I assume is a sign that he will consider my generous offer to join my legion of doom before it is too late. 

Note to self: Find replacement artifact for phase three of the mission. 



Day one, week two:

Don’t forget to take pleasure in the small things in life!

I spent the entire afternoon watching videos of cats. I accomplished nothing. I am beginning to suspect that cats are the enemy.

Note to self: Find a way to satisfy your craving for cheeseburgers. 



Day five, week two: 

Dream big!

It has become necessary to send a monster to Sleepy Hollow. The mortals have become too complacent, too secure in their ability to thwart me. I need to destroy their morale. 

I have taken the lessons of Lovecraft to heart: there can never be enough tentacles. I have tried to tell Henry this. I have shouted it many times, and I am beginning to wonder if he is perhaps having trouble with his hearing, because I have been shouting very loudly at him and he does not do as I say. So, today I demonstrate the necessity of tentacles by creating a monster that is almost entirely made of tentacles. He should be enraptured by my masterpiece, but instead he covers his eyes and makes sad noises. The tentacle beast does not like sad noises. It responds by attempting to eat him. 

I pretend this was my intention all along. The book says I should never lose the appearance of command. 

Note to self: Tentacle monster very successful in destroying the shinier parts of Sleepy Hollow. Not very good at reconnaissance, which is necessary for the success of the mission.



Day one, week three:

It strikes me as odd, but I have never actually considered my reasons for wanting to conquer the world. Could it have been my father (the beast, the morning star, the son of the Babylonian king and infamous snake charmer), whose footsteps led the way to this glorious battle? Or was it my relationship with my mother (Lillith the temptress, the destroyer, the engulfer, the occasional cannibal) that set me on this path to destruction? Henry is a perfect example of this. He absolutely desires the death of his father. I would ponder this further, but considering the relationship he has with his mother weirds me out.

This uncharacteristic self-reflection vexes me. 

Note to self: Find out why the last phase of the mission has not been completed yet there is a schedule that is not being adhered to correctly Henry has not yet provided the violent plants I requested and where are the sacrificial rodents I have explained this to Officer Andy Brooks so many times does he still not understand how vital the lunar cycle is to the placement of the candles or the strength of certain magical items, which need to be vigorously dampened while specific incantations are being uttered so that the third horseman may rise from the murky depths of hell on a valiant and deadly steed and WHY CAN I NOT REMOVE THE TUNE TO KEYBOARD CAT FROM MY HEAD THIS IS INFURIATING.



Day four, week three:

The book has failed me. Purgatory shall be returned at once to its previous state, the choir of tortured souls will ring out. Officer Andy Brooks has been set on fire. I have fed a few of Henry’s body parts to the tentacle monster, whose face now resembles the grumpy cat where it was previously an empty, seething void. 

I feel I have made a good decision.