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Dear Penthiive

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Dear Penthiive, Sollux thinks wildly. ii never thought thii2 would happen two me….

’Thii2’ meaning a lapful of giggling princess giving him quick kisses while doing decidedly unprincessy things with her hands.

It was easy, now that Sollux thought about it. All you had to do was save the princess’s life, die, have her save your sorry life, adventure together for a while, mention off-handedly how you think it sucks she won’t be empress since the empire’s kinda gone what with everyone dead but you think she could have made it less sucky, and them bam. It’s a full on pity party, and guess who’s invited? Your bulge, that’s who!

And this is why, a few days later, when her grin turns even more mischievous and her fingers start to tuck into the waistband of his pants, Sollux is for once glad he has a mutant brain, because that means he can keep his cool mental narration going while the other part of his brain is going oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck whatever you do don’t fuck thii2 up.

But it’s cool. It’s cool. Sure, he’s never done anything like this before, but he grew up on the internet and (to steal a phrase) he’s seen all the porn. All of it.

Feferi’s kneeling with her calves pressed firmly against his thighs, sitting up enough that he has to strain a bit to kiss her each time she swoops down. He’s pretty sure she’s enjoying the feel of being taller than him, but he really, really doesn’t mind, especially when her circling fingers have been making a steady trail from his sides, across his hipbones, headed directly for ii don’t know what ii diid to de2erve thii2 but plea2e don’t let iit 2top central.

He tucks one hand into her hair and wraps the other around her waist, pulling her into a deep kiss. His glasses clack against her goggles, smooth guy that he is. It’s a proper matesprit kiss with a fair amount of tongue and only a hint of biting, and he loves the way she sighs and sinks into the kiss like there’s nowhere else she’d rather be. She’s already shirtless, and her vestigial mammary sacks press into his chest and damn they’re great. He’s always had a ‘thing’ for ladies and their curves.

Speaking of which…he lets the hand on her waist drift down and cup her rear, giving it an appreciate squeeze.

She glubs happily and breaks the kiss. “Trying to carp a feel?” she teases.

“Oh, glub glub glub,” he says, rolling his eyes, and pulls her back into the kiss. He keeps his hand where it is because. Well. Awe2ome.

Her fingers slide a little and glance across the top of his bulge slit. He makes a little strangled noise deep in his throat.

She rubs it again, more deliberately, and Sollux breaks the kiss, gasping into her neck.

“Hmm? What is this?” she asks, following the slit down a little way. “I think I should investiskate.”

Sollux can’t believe she’s continuing with the fish puns at a time like this, but it doesn’t really matter so long as she keeps treating his slit like a new toy she can’t wait to play with. Her fingers unbutton the fly on his pants and slowly work the zipper down, pushing the fabric out of the way. She trails her finger up and down his slit, bending over to peer at it as it flushes brighter and brighter. She runs the tip of her claw down it and watches the muscles on Sollux’s stomach twitch. Then she leans in and both of Sollux’s inner monologues are going oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck and thii2 ii2 really happeniing and she licks him straight up, and that’s it. With a groan, Sollux’s bulge comes sliding out.

“Oh my!” Feferi says, and Sollux wonders how she can sound so sweet and delighted with her face so close to his bulge. “It’s so cute!”

“That’th…not really what thomeone wantth to hear, FF,” Sollux says.

“Sorry~!” Feferi chirps. She pokes it once and giggles as it bounces back. She kisses it on the head and says, “You are a very mature and intimidating little tentacle,” which Sollux thinks is maybe missing the point, but he’s not going to say anything thanks to the little voice that’s going 2top iit 2top 2ayiing word2 you’re going to me22 thii2 up and maybe if he’s good she’ll put her lips on it again.

She gently wraps her hand around his bulge, not moving much, just sliding her thumb up and down his shaft. She makes a little happy noise while Sollux’s head swims at the contact, and she bends in closer to rub her cheek against his shaft, murmuring, “Soooo sleeeek!” She’s…nuzzling his bulge? He’s never seen anyone do that in the many, many videos he’s watched, but it’s kind of amazing and something about it makes his cardiovascular pump twist, just a little.

He uses his free hand to pull back her hair from her face so he can get a good view of her and maybe, maybe believe that this is actually happening. She presses quick kisses up his shaft, over the major and minor ridge, and, with a look of experimental glee, licks the tip.

Sollux lets out a deep groan, hand clenching in her hair, and that’s it. He’s doomed. She’s found the most amazing spot in the world and she seems determined to keep licking it until his head explodes and that would be Death Number Two, game over, no takeback2. Somehow, he’s 0kay with that. (The voices tell him that, no, this isn’t his time to die, it’s going to be a little farther on and much, much more painful, and he kindly tells them to 2hut the fuck up. For once, they listen.)

While she’s licking at him like a clawbeast in an all-you-can-drink milk bar that’s five minutes from closing, she’s working a hand into his pants and rummaging around in a leisurely fashion. And, yeah, Sollux has always been more of a “bulge guy” than a “nook guy” but if she wants to go there, he’s definitely not going to complain.

Then the rummaging becomes a little more deliberate, a little less come hither and a little more now where did I leave my keys? Sollux valiantly bites down on a dismayed squeak when her lips leave his bulgetip with a pop . She frowns.

“Ith everything alright, FF?” Sollux asks weakly.

She tugs his pants the rest of the way down his hips and prods at various places with the tip of her claw. She looks up at him, a little bewildered. “Is this…the only tentacle you have?” she asks.

“…what?” Sollux blinks twice, and feels the crackle of power start to spark behind his eyes. “What did you think, I have two of everything? Ith that why you were into me? Did Karkat tell you I have two bulgeth? I am tho going to kick hith ath. Why ith everyone alwayth thaying thtuff about my junk?” of cour2e 2he doe2n’t liike you 2he wa2 ju2t playiing wiith the mutant don’t be 2tupiid ha ha 2tupiid 2ollux thiink2 2omeone piitiie2 hiim goes one strain of thought.

Sollux slides back from her and stands up, tries to pull up his pants as best he can with his bulge flopping out, not like he had any dignity right now anyway. “I can’t believe I wath tho thtupid, thinking you actually pitied me. What a fucking idiot I wath!” And on and on, and all the while the other part of his brain was going what are you doiing 2top iit 2top 2ayiing word2 you’re ruiiniing everythiing

“Hold it right glubbing there, mister!” Feferi says, and grabs a fistful of his shirt in a grip he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to break. She uses her foot to kick her trident up from the ground, catching it in her free hand, and swings it to expertly thwack a half dozen floating brains out of the air and into a pile. “I am declaring an emergency feelings glub right here, right now!”

She pushes Sollux so he lands on his back in the pile of brains, their still-pulsing lobes twitching at his sudden weight. Before he can even move to get up, Feferi is on him, her hands pushing on his shoulders and her knees across his thighs. Her vestigial mammary sacks are hanging down in a way Sollux would really like to examine more closely, if he weren’t currently a little bit terrified.

“Listen, Mr. Crabbypants,” she says, nose to nose, close enough that she can peer through his glasses and glare into his eyes. “I like you and I want to be with you, whether you have one tentacle down there or ten! If you can handle that, then we can figure out how to have a good time with your mutation and everything will be fin and dandy. If you can’t, then you can go hook up your webcam to trollian and charge people to watch your self-pity party because I know I certainly won’t.”

She glares at him one more time for good measure.

Sollux blinks several times. “Wow, FF. That wath…” He tries to bite back on his comment but dammit the pile is making his feelings come loose and there’s no stopping it! “…thurprithingly hot.”

It’s Feferi’s turn to blink. Slowly, a smile starts to bloom across her face. “Crisis over? Can we get back to where we were before?”

“Yeth, pleathe,” Sollux says with a smarmy grin, and leans up into a kiss. She meets him with a bite, sharp teeth digging into his lower lip, just testing the firmness of the flesh. He groans and moves to put his arms around her, but she pushes down on his shoulders more, and he can’t move from where he is. He could probably knock her off with his psionics if he had to, but he’s not really good at that fiddly not-hurting-shit stuff, and besides, it’s kind of totally hot.

He brings his hands down, instead, to the point where her knees are digging into his thighs. He slips his hands around them and wisely decides to resist the urge to tickle the backs of her knees, as hilarious as that might be. He moves his hands up the backs of her thighs, all round and thick with muscle from sweeps of living under the seas, and he proudly thinks, yeah, p2iioniic2 or not, 2he could totally kiick my a22.

She lets his hands go further up, ducking under the folds of her skirts to rest firmly on her ass, and yes, it’s just as awesome as he remembers, but he squeezes it all the same, just to make sure.

Something thick and rubbery wraps around his wrist and squeezes back.

It’s a good thing Feferi’s holding him down, because otherwise he’d have jumped into the air.

“Am I going too fast?” Feferi asks, a look of concern on her face.

Sollux ignores her question and reaches out to untie her skirts. They drop away to reveal at least six tentacles undulating between her legs. They vary in size from slim and sleek to intimidatingly thick, and each has a pronounced double ridge at the end, similar to his bulge. Suddenly, the past ten minutes makes a lot more sense.

“Oh,” Sollux says quietly. “Tho when you thaid ‘tentacleth’ you weren’t making a shitty fish pun.”

Feferi cocks her head. “Is something wrong?”

Sollux closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Sure, he definitely didn’t hang out much on that end of the internet, but he’s got a few ideas, and he can do this. He can do thii2.

He looks up at Feferi. “Actually, I think I’m totally okay with thith,” he says with a crooked grin, and takes one of the thicker tentacles in hand.

Her reaction is immediate. She makes a little keening noise in the back of her throat and leans forward, resting her forehead against his chest. He plays with the tentacle, shifting his hand up and down like he’s pleasuring a bulge, running the pad of his thumb up over the ridges to tease its very tip.

He reaches with his other hand and maneuvers its way through the mass of tentacles, pausing only to briefly stroke or tweak any tentacles that got in its way. He stops at the center of the tentacles and goes upwards, instincts guiding him until he gets to the base of the tentacles and feels something give. His instincts were right—she does have a nook, albeit a strange, aquatic one.

He cautiously pushes two fingers up into it, feeling the slight suction and something soft and feathery, like the fronds of some aquatic plant, brushing against him. He crooks his fingers until he feels something soft and spongy. Feferi gasps into his neck, and he knows he’s found a good spot.

Sollux has never been so glad that he’s ambidextrous. With one hand, he works at her insides, curling his fingers as if beckoning her to come closer. The other hand is preoccupied with the tentacles, his long fingers now wrapped around two of the more prominent ones, jerking them firmly and expertly. Some of the thinner tentacles have extended, wrapping around Sollux’s thighs and squeezing, just right.

Feferi tilts her head back, waves of hair cascading down her shoulders, and Sollux takes this as his cue to push even harder into her. Her body sways with every move of his wrist, her hair, necklaces, and glorious mammary sacks all moving with the same rhythm. Her eyes are closed as she pushes back onto his hand, greedily taking whatever pleasure she wants.

Sollux isn’t sure what he’s done to deserve this, but he thinks he’s going to be thanking someone for the rest of his life.

Feferi’s moans are becoming more desperate, the tentacles around his thighs are getting a little too tight, and with one last push, she breaks. She cries out, thighs trembling, and Sollux can feel all of the tentacles pulsing. If this were the mating season, he imagines he’d be getting soaked by all the tentacles, all at once, like running through some obscene garden sprinkler.

Feferi collapses onto his chest, and Sollux gingerly removes his hands from her nether regions and lays them primly on her back. She glubs quietly and snuggles up closer.

“Tho,” Sollux says at last. “You’re all noodle-like and I’m thtill fully drethed. I’m not thertain, but I’m pretty sure thith maketh me the King of All Handjobth.”

Feferi sits up. “Well, if that’s a problem~!” she says with a twinkle in her eye.

The next thing Sollux knows, his shirt is being tugged over his head. It gets stuck on his horns and glasses, and he’s still trying to get it off so he can fucking see when he feels his fly get zipped down and his pants unceremoniously tugged off his hips.

Feferi stumbles a little with the pants when she realizes she should have taken his shoes off first and has to go back to unlacing them. At this moment, both of Sollux’s mental monologues are going plea2e make 2ure 2he take2 my 2ock2 off two ii don’t thiink ii can handle beiing a naked troll iin 2ock2 that ii2 the lea2t 2exy thiing iin the world and there’2 no comiing back from that.

Feferi ends up just tugging both shoes off, as well as the socks thank you god2 of 2ex you guy2 are awe2ome, and then the pants are gone, and Sollux is left lying there wearing only his glasses and the bit of pants that got stuck on his foot, like he gives a shit about that at the moment.

Feferi scootches up and lies across him, twining her legs with his, belly pressed against his distended bulge. Sollux never realized that skin-on-skin contact would feel so damn amazing. When he tilts his head up to look at her, they’re nose to nose.

“Sooooo…” Feferi says.

“Tho?” Sollux repeats.

“Now, you’re no longer fully dressed. Happy now?”

Sollux can’t say that he is, because he’s pretty sure that as soon as he admits he’s happy, the universe will lay the everloving smackdown on his ass. Besides, Feferi seems to like it when he’s a grumpy ass. So instead, he gives a little thrust against her belly and says, “Getting there.”

Wordlessly, she wraps her arms around his neck and starts to undulate her hips, rubbing against his bulge with each wave of her body. It feels fantastic, and doubly so when something else winds its way around his bulge and starts tugging. He hadn’t thought that tentacles could be so dexterous, but Feferi is full of surprises. Sexy, tentacle-filled surprises.

“Better?” she asks.

Sollux looks away. “A little bit, maybe.”

Feferi hmphs at that and takes it for the challenge it is. With hardly any preamble, Sollux feels something thick and rubbery pressed against his nook. His legs spread wide instinctively, and with a slow, steady motion, the tentacle pushes up inside him. It goes farther than he can imagine, bending to follow the contours of his body. He feels so maddeningly full, back bent and hips craned to accept as much of her as he can. The grip around his bulge is so very light, and he wants her—no, he needs her to start thrusting.

She doesn’t thrust. What she does do, after a long, excruciating minute of staying excruciatingly still, is start to twist. The tentacle starts to writhe inside him, the tip moving in little circles, its length pressing in quick succession on all of his inner walls. The pressure builds, the tentacle wrapped around his bulge moving swiftly up and down as the one inside him continues to spin, touching and stretching everything inside.

Sollux wonders if she’s trying to stretch him open, if she wants to fit another tentacle within him, and that thought right there nearly has him coming.

“Is this more what you wanted?” Feferi asks, then bites the ear she whispered it into.

Sollux can hardly talk, he’s breathing so hard, but he manages, “It’th… getting… clother…I gueth.”

Feferi immediately stops moving and withdraws from him. Sollux has enough time to think oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck and way two fuck iit up you fuckiing lo2er before he feels Feferi grab his bony ass and flip him face down into the pile of brains.

Two tentacles whip out and wrap around his thighs, pulling them as far open as he can manage. He has to rest his forehead on his hands, just to keep his balance. He feels the friendly reach-around tentacle wrap around his bulge, always a welcome feeling. Steadily, if a little less gently than before, the thick tentacle slides into his nook, going as deep as it can before slowing to a stop.

He’s prepared for Feferi to start moving and really get to work, when he feels another, thinner tentacle pushing against him, a little higher up. This is totally, completely perverted, to find pleasure in a waste hole that has little to do with proper troll copulation, but Sollux has to bite back on a hungry whine when he feels the slicked tip of the tentacle slide into him.

Feferi pauses there, waits for Sollux to catch his breath. Her hands grip his hips lightly, holding tighter when she feels Sollux start to push back against her. She gives a little thrust and makes an accompanying little squeak, and he groans. She tries again, and he shivers, his back arching back to meet her.

She begins to thrust in earnest, tentacles doing a slight undulation on the way out, only to jam back in with an unexpected fierceness. Each thrust pushes him forward, pushing his bulge through its tentacle cage, pushing his face deeper into the pile. He starts to move against her, bringing his hips back each time she slams forward. This only encourages her to thrust harder.

Her tentacles are elongating, spreading over his body. One has joined the tentacle wrapped around his bulge, securing itself in a loop around its root. Her longest has snaked its way across his chest. He has a moment where he stares at it, cross-eyed, before it presses against his lips. They open by reflex, and the tentacle darts in, forcing his mouth into a perfect O.

Sollux chokes on it for a moment before he realizes that it’s moving in sync with the other tentacles, and he matches the movement of his head to the rhythm of its thrusts. It stretches his mouth wide, pushing in almost to the point where he can’t breathe before pulling out again. It tastes sort of metallic and doesn’t seem to mind his teeth. He hollows out his cheeks and gives it a good suck and, hearing Feferi’s inappropriately adorable squeak of pleasure, repeats the motion with enthusiasm.

Feferi is thrusting faster now, tentacles hardly withdrawing at all before they slam back into him. The tentacles working his bulge are moving at a frenzied pace, and the one in his mouth feels like it will bruise his tongue. A deep heat starts to grow in the pit of his stomach.

“Sooo…” Feferi says cheerfully, as if Sollux could answer with a mouth full of thrusting tentacle-bulge. “Can you really fillet now?”

Sollux comes explosively, bulge pulsing, nook clamping down, sparks of energy crackling around his eyes. Feferi lets out a high-pitched wail and follows him, tentacles thrashing and burying themselves deep within him.

Sollux collapses onto his stomach, wincing a bit as Feferi withdraws her tentacles from his body. He rolls onto his side and watches in fascination as Feferi’s tentacles retract into her body, leaving her smooth and perfect and a complete trap for any unsuspecting dolt planning on entering a relationship with her.

She falls dramatically onto the pile and tucks herself neatly into the curve of Sollux’s body.

“Have a nice time?” she asks sweetly.

“I…” Sollux shakes his head. “I can’t believe you went with a fish pun.”

“You know you glubbing love it, Mr. Grumpy,” she says, and snuggles in closer.

Dear Penthiive, Sollux mentally composes. He pauses a moment to consider the princess, his many happily sore orifices, and the pile of brains he’s lying on. He still has his pants dangling off of one foot. You know what? 2crew iit, you priick2 wouldn’t beliieve me anyway.