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San Tropez

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CABIN PRESSURE
SAN TROPEZ
By Phoebe Roberts
~~~

MUSIC: CABIN PRESSURE THEME

MARTIN: Cabin Pressure, by Phoebe Roberts! Starring Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin, and John Finnemore as Arthur. This week… San Tropez!

SOUND: AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

SCENE 1 - INT. CABIN OF PLANE

DOUGLAS: Morning, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Morning, Douglas!

DOUGLAS: Has anyone else arrived?

ARTHUR: Well, Skip's doing the walkaround, but—

SOUND: MARTIN PASSING BRISKLY THROUGH

MARTIN: Save it, Douglas, whatever your nonsense today, I don't have time for it!

DOUGLAS: Well, that's my nonsense told. How about Carolyn?

ARTHUR: Mum's here too, but—

CAROLYN: Douglas, if you are thinking about starting with me today, let me thoroughly disabuse you of the notion.

DOUGLAS: Consider me disabused. I see everyone's just a vibrant ray of sunshine today.

ARTHUR: Thanks, Douglas, I do my best!

DOUGLAS: Oh, except for you, Arthur. You are not so much a ray as a pure concentrated laser beam. So what's got you in such a foul mood, Carolyn?

CAROLYN: That bears a remarkable resemblance to starting with me, Douglas.

DOUGLAS: All right. What's got you in such a completely normal mood, Carolyn?

CAROLYN: Oh, it's just the clients for today. A Miss... Trudy Cadwallader, and a Mr. Clifford Speedwell the Third.

SOUND: MARTIN PASSING BRISKLY THROUGH

MARTIN: The third? There's three blokes who've been inflicted with a name like Clifford Speedwell?

CAROLYN: Just the sort of toffs you'd expect. They're an engaged couple we're flying to his parents' anniversary party at their summer home in San Tropez.

DOUGLAS: That would be Mr. and Mrs. Biff Speedtrap the Second, presumably. So we're taking a pair young lovers to a joyous occasion in a beach paradise? Sounds absolutely terrible.

CAROLYN: I just hate flying newlyweds. Or, almost-to-be-weds. Or any sort of proximity to-be-weds.

SOUND: MARTIN PASSING BRISKLY THROUGH

MARTIN: Oh, yes, that kind of joy, there's just something oppressive about it.

CAROLYN: If you're going to contribute, do you mind standing still enough for me to smack you for it? As for newlyweds, they're irritatingly silly, they're impossible to talk to, you have to wait for them to get through with their embarrassing displays in public. To say nothing of what use they make of the restroom!

SOUND: MUFFLED VOICES YELLING

ARTHUR: Mum, I think they're here!

CAROLYN: Oh, battle stations, everyone.

SOUND: CABIN DOOR OPENING

CAROLYN: Ah, yes— hello! Welcome to MJN—

SOUND: FEET STOMPING IN

CLIFF: I swear, Trudy, that girl wouldn't leave me alone!

TRUDY: Of course she wasn't, you were practically trying to shove that twenty quid down her blouse!

CLIFF: What kind of tosser doesn't tip the waitress?

TRUDY: What kind of tosser bribes the staff to make him feel like a big man!? Or wasn't that the tip you were thinking of!?

SOUND: VOICES TAPERING OFF

SOUND: FEET STOMPING THROUGH

CAROLYN: As I was saying... right this way...

(Pause.)

DOUGLAS: On the bright side, Carolyn, it looks like you won't have a problem.