If We Can Land A Man On The Moon, Surely I Can Win Your Heart

by SORD

Summary:

Twelve years after SBurb, Jade Harley has 23 hours to clean the guest bedroom and figure out what trolls eat. Meanwhile, Dave Strider throws a tantrum and John Egbert plans the perfect prank.

Notes:

So I feel like Sollux and Jade would really get along post sburb/sgrub whatever. Jade's a lot like Feferi, Sollux is a lot like Dave, and they're both super smart and kind of isolated from everyone around them.

This is the weirdest ship I have ever shipped. Shipping.

Chapter 1

TG: so you've been cybering with the lisping alien hacker
TG: for twelve years
GG: he doesnt lisp anymore, his teeth grew back normal!!
TG: and youre telling me now because
GG: because it wasnt.........................
TG: time
GG: ..............................
TG: time
GG: ...................
TG: time then shades
GG: ..........
TG: time
GG: ...............
TG: time/shades lets go
GG: .......
GG: ....
GG: ...
TG: oh my fucking god
GG: ..
GG: .
GG: time 8)
GG: to tell you, i mean
GG: it wasnt the right time to tell you i guess
GG: i didnt think it would matter to you!!
TG: well
TG: maybe it does
TG: maybe youre not my ghost slime goth witch sister niece onetime incestuous love interest
TG: but if you remember
TG: we just like saved the world together
TG: this one time
TG: perhaps you recall
TG: cloning up some frogs
TG: your ghost slime brother getting stabbed like six times or whatever
TG: your ghost slime cousin sex god idol friendbro dying like innumerable times
TG: you wouldnt recall that sorry
TG: you werent in those timelines
TG: i was though
TG: dying
TG: for you jade
TG: always for you
TG: so you would someday get laid without resorting to transdimentional booty calls
GG: okay!!!!!!!
GG: i get it, i should have told you!!
GG: dont be a dick
GG: and we havent been cybering, and it is not a booty call!
GG: i dont even know what that is
GG: booty call, i mean, i know what cybering is
TG: fuck dont tell me that jade
TG: i know that rose has seen some serious shit
TG: ive read her horrifying slash fics
TG: ive seen that two thousand yard fandom stare she gets
TG: she half-sleeps at night and ships old ass wizards all day
TG: but youre the only pure and good thing i got left now that egbert is railing that deplorable female
TG: please dont tell me you got your sex ed when you webcamd with some internet wannabe humbert humbert
TG: i couldnt handle it
GG: daaaaaaave
GG: shut up
GG: youre not as funny as you think you are!!
GG: i learned about cybering the same way you did, fox newscasts
GG: just because i know what it is doesnt mean i do it!
GG: and dont be jealous! you know i love you the most
GG: forever and always
GG: ill always be your bro dave, no matter what kind of dipshit things you say!
GG: ^_^
TG: i wish nepeta never taught you that smiley
TG: every time i see it i reach for the razor
TG: lil cal has to grab it from me
TG: otherwise its up the river not cross the bridge
TG: goodnight sweet prince
TG: or goodnight sweet witch which sounds pretty shitty
TG: goodnight sweet knight would be ok
GG: dave oh my god
GG: shut up!!!!!!!!! >:(
TG: thanks for interrupting my soliloquy
TG: how else is the audience supposed to relate to me
TG: im now some kind of horrible antihero and everyone is rooting for me to be eaten by my own hubris
GG: omg i cant even deal with this right now
GG: stop
TG: cant stop
GG: stop
TG: wont stop
GG: stop
TG: ok guess ill stop tell me though how long have you been all up in his grill
GG: stop
GG: stop
GG: stop
GG: sorry i was just copy-pasting
GG: and i havent been up in his grill :(
GG: thats means mouth, right?
GG: how could i get in his mouth over the internet, dave!
GG: RIDDLE ME THAT, FUCKASS!!!!
TG: ok sorry troll messiah ill get right on that
GG: im sorry, i didnt mean go all karkat at you
GG i am just so sick of people misunderstanding!
GG: first john and then rose and now you
GG: not to mention bec
GG: and grandpa
TG: wow
TG: didnt realize you were getting it from all angles
TG: kind of shitty
TG: esp from your grandad isnt he dead and stuffed on your mantle or some shit
GG: well he looks at me disapprovingly from the mantle!
GG: and its not like ive done anything!
GG: i didnt even ask him to visit, it was all his idea
GG: it could be totally platonic for all you know
TG: thats not what terezi smells
GG: does she know how your FACE smells????
TG: i hope so she licked it enough
TG: its prob different now that i got to shave though
TG: barbasol changes everything jade
TG: everything
GG: dave i do not even care a little about your face and its hair!!
GG: i just wanted you to wish me luck!
GG: this that so much to ask?
TG: ok my darling paradox fate wife
TG: good luck
TG: when he breaks your heart ill be here waiting
GG: oh my god dave shut up!!!
GG: the next time i see you i am going to shoot you in your stupid mouth!
TG: too bad your devilbeast dog will send your shots into the sun
TG: or my torso
TG: whichever

-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

Chapter 2

TA: wait what?
TA: y0u just repaired y0ur what?
GG: my transportalizer! i have, like, a million stairs in my house so its been really awful without it!
TA: since when d0 y0u have a transp0rtalizer?
GG: uh, since always?
GG: well probably not always, but for as long as i can remember......
TA: it t00k y0u.
TA: alm0st six sweeps.
TA: alm0st SIX GRUBFUCKING SWEEPS.
TA: t0 tell me y0u have a transp0rtalizer in y0ur hive.
GG: house
TA: whatever, gg, that's n0t the p0int.
TA: the p0int is i can hack that shit.
TA: i can hack the shit 0ut 0f that shit.
GG: really?
TA: gg, we've been 0ver this.
TA: h0w many c0des d0 i have?
GG: sollux you have so many codes!!!
GG: you probably have........
GG: ..........
TA: 0h my g0d.
GG: .......
GG: .....
TA: i am seri0usly ab0ut t0 kill y0u and then myself in a r0mantic murder-suicide.
GG: ...
TA: it will be straight 0ut 0f kk's stupid r0mc0ms.
GG: ..
GG: .
GG: MOST of them.
TA: i have ALL the c0des, gg.
TA: ALL 0f them.
GG: hehehe
TA: ehehehe.
GG: but anyway
GG: how do you know?
TA: because i'm deliri0us bugnasty.
GG: no i mean how do you know you can hack it??
TA: 0h, because i hacked a wh0le bunch 0f them 0n the aster0id.
TA: i keyed 0ne t0 each 0f us and made 0ur symb0ls all fl0ating and gl0wy ab0ve them.
TA: it was really c00l.
TA: pretty c00l.
TA: i guess. it wasn't that great.
GG: omg sollux shut up! i bet it was cool and great
GG: i mean c00l
GG: 0_0
TA: 0_0
GG: <_<;;
TA: 0_0
GG: ^_~
TA: 0u0
TA: w0w that still l00ks s0 stupid.
TA: anyway 0k gg lets quit being m0r0ns f0r a sec0nd.
TA: send me the captcha f0r y0ur transp0rtalizer.
TA: right n0w.
TA: g0 g0 g0 g0 g0.
GG: ta quit being a nubslurping fuckpod and give me a second!!!
GG: and i'll only send it to you if you tell me what nubslurping fuckpod means
GG: you say it all the time and it sounds so gross but what does it even mean!!!!
TA: it d0esn't mean anything, it's just a bunch 0f dirty w0rds strung t0gether.
TA: and if y0u d0n't get me that captcha i am g0ing t0 sh0ve my head int0 the nearest beeh0use mainfraim and suff0cate myself in the mind h0ney.
GG: ok geez!
GG: all right ill go get it
GG: pch00000
TA: l00k i get that its t0tally c00l and hilari0us t0 make fun 0f me and my stupid typing quirk but i swear t0 g0d i am s0 cl0se t0 just flipping my shit right 0ut 0f this wh0le reality, y0u d0n't even kn0w.
GG: uh calm down? that's it
GG: pch00000
GG: that's the code
TA: 0h.
TA: ehehehe, s0rry, i th0ught y0u were just being stupid again.
GG: im not stupid! im very very smart and youre an idiot
GG: im the smartest and youre just a big weirdo nerd whos in love with a bunch of dumb alien internet bees!!!!
GG: you love your bees so much you kiss them good night and good morning every single day!
GG: this is you: >8* <||>-
GG: that doesn't look right
GG: thats supposed to be you kissing a bee....
TA: g0t it.
GG: you did? because it doesnt look very clear to me and im the one who made it!!!
TA: n0 i mean i alchemized myself a c0py 0f y0ur transp0rtalizer.
GG: how do you have an alchemiter?
TA: shenanigans is h0w.
GG: 9_9
GG: thats me rolling my eyes and wishing i never told you that word!!
TA: 0k i have them linked up.
TA: it might take a little bit t0 filter my signal thr0ugh the universes but i sh0uld be there in ab0ut five minutes.
GG: WAIT WHAAAAAAAAT
GG: noooo!
GG: you cant just come over!!
TA: what?
TA: 0h
TA: i th0ught
TA: i'm s0rry, i just assumed
TA: w0w.
TA: s0rry.
TA: i'm such an idi0t.
TA: sh0uld i g0?
TA: i'm g0nna g0 n0w.
GG: aaaa how do you type so fast when youre blind?
GG: give me a second to reply!!
GG: sollux i mean you just need to give me some warning ok?
GG: you cant just come over!
TA: why n0t?
GG: well, my house is a MESS for one thing
TA: d0n't care.
GG: bec needs a bath, he smells TERRIBLE!
TA: d0n't care.
GG: i need a shower, ive been gardening all day and i have dirt in my hair!!!
TA: d0n't care.
GG: i don't have anything for us to eat!!! and don't say d0n't care or I WILL BE SO MAD
TA: ehehehe
TA: 0k i guess i see y0ur p0int.
TA: it's kind 0f sudden.
TA: 0k right n0w i'm g0ing t0 type really fast and l0g 0ff bef0re y0u can say n0.
TA: i will be there t0m0rr0w at this time, that sh0uld give y0u plenty 0f time t0 get ready.
TA: 0u0

-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

GG: hopy shit!!!!

Notes:

This is going to jump around a lot in terms of what happens when. Hopefully it'll make sense?

Also in my head every troll romcom has at least one hilarious/romantic murder suicide.

Chapter 3

Notes:

eleven years earlier

-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

TA: why d0es she talk t0 y0u?
GG: what?
GG: who?
TA: ff.
TA: why d0es she talk t0 y0u?
TA: why w0n't she see me?
TA: i sleep and sleep and i meet EVERY0NE in the dream bubbles, even the 0nes wh0 are still alive, even y0u stupid fucking shithead humans but i never meet HER and she's the 0nly 0ne i want t0 see.
GG: do you mean feferi?
TA: 0f c0urse i mean feferi, wh0 else w0uld i be talking ab0ut?
TA: why w0n't she see me?
TA: she never MET y0u.
TA: she d0esn't KN0W y0u.
TA: why d0es she want t0 talk t0 y0u and n0t me?
GG: uh
GG: i don't know???
GG: you're sollux, right?
GG: i mean
GG: she's mentioned you...
TA: 0h great, thanks, she's menti0ned me.
TA: that makes me feel a l0t better.
TA: she menti0ned me but she's been av0iding me f0r alm0st half a sweep and i
TA: whatever.
TA: i get it.
TA: she d0esn't give a shit, well i d0n't either.
GG: im pretty sure that's not it!
GG: shes always talking about how great you are,
GG: and how youre so smart
GG: and sweet
GG: and how much she misses you
TA: well if she misses me s0 much why is she glubbing away fr0m me whenever i fall asleep?
TA: why did she ch00se s0me stupid pink m0nkey 0ver me?
TA: what the fuck d0 y0u have that i d0n't have?
GG: i don't know!!!
GG: im sorry
GG: i wish i could help
GG: do you want me to ask her?
TA: 0h great charity fr0m the l0wer life f0rms.
TA: why d0n't i just get a fucking cr0akbeast t0 fucking c0ach me thr0ugh afterlife r0mance.
TA: d0 y0u literally have shit f0r brains like kk says?
GG: omg never mind
GG: youre a jerk and if you want me to help you forget it!
GG: im going to block you now
GG: bye
TA: n0 d0n't.
TA: i'm s0rry.
TA: can y0u just talk t0 her f0r me?
TA: tell her i miss her?
TA: i just want t0
TA: i just
TA: i miss her s0 much and she just w0n't TALK t0 me and i feel like i'm g0ing crazy with0ut her.
GG: im sorry
GG: ill talk to her but i think if shes made up her mind she probably won't change it?
GG: but ill try to help
GG: in the meantime if theres anything i can do?
GG: i can maybe listen?
GG: i mean if you need someone to talk to
TA: why w0uld y0u even b0ther?
TA: why d0 y0u give a shit?
GG: well i kind of dont right now
GG: but maybe i will?
GG: who knows?
GG: im willing to listen if you want to talk
GG: and ill talk to feferi for you if you want
GG: i know what its like to lose someone you love
TA: what d0es "l0ve" mean?
GG: ...
GG: ....................
GG: omg
GG: D:
GG: i think thats the saddest thing ive ever heard

Chapter 4

Notes:

interlude (dreamtime)

-- BEGIN DREAMLOG --
-- Feferi Peixes [CC] began glubbing with Jade Harley [GG] --

CC: )(i Jade!!!
GG: hi feferi!!
GG: how are you doing?
CC: o)( you know, pretty glubbing BOR-ED as usual!
CC: O)(!!!!!!!
CC: I FOUND ---------ERIDAN!!
GG: oh man!
GG: did you punch him?
CC: no wave!
CC: i GUTT-------ED )(IM WIT)( MY CULLING FORK!!!!!!
CC: and t)(en I STRANGL---ED )(IM WIT)( )(IS OWN INNARDS!!!!!!!
CC: )(--E-E )(--E-E )(--E-E!!!!
CC: but now we're fronds again.
CC: it's all water under t)(e bridge!
CC: )(e's reely sorry about w)(at )(e did and )(e's trying to mako peace wit)( )(is anenomes.
GG: ugh feferi i TOLD you about the fish puns!!
GG: half of them don't make sense
GG: and some of them are really bizarre because you don't even HAVE those fish on alternia?
GG: like the mako shark, do you have that?
CC: W-E-ELL
CC: i've never glubbed too muc)( about w)(at species are w)(at?
CC: it's s)(rimply a load of scallops if you bass me!!
CC: )(-E-E )(-E-E!!
GG: bluh
GG: i've haddock enough of this
GG: it's time you shoaleder some respawnsibility
GG: admit it
GG: your puns are pretty crappie!
CC: JAD------E!!
CC: i've never sean fis)( bass-cet of your personality!
CC: so fintriguing!
CC: and i am finding your puns abs)(oalutely brinebriating!
GG: omg
GG: can we please stop?
GG: i spent all week thinking of those and if i have to think of more i'll forget what i wanted to talk to you about!
CC: )(a)(a)(a ok!
CC: no problem!
CC: i can quit W)(-EN-EV-ER!
GG: ok thanks
GG: <3
CC: 38*
GG: oh
GG: you're friends with a guy named sollux, right?
CC: 38O
CC: sollux?
CC: IS )(-E OKAY?
CC: DID SOM---EFIN )(APP--EN TO MY SOLLUX???
GG: omg
GG: hes fine you lunatic
GG: he wants to know why you won't see him
CC: 38(
CC: I can't.
CC: It's too )(ard.
CC: I don't know )(ow to explain it so t)(at )(e'd understand and it would only make )(im sad.
GG: oh
GG: so what do you want me to tell him?
GG: he wont stop bugging me until i talk to you
CC: tell )(im I'm too sick to sea )(im!
GG: feferi youre not sick
GG: youre dead
CC: well I KNOW t)(at, STUPID!
CC: just keep an eye on )(im for me, I guess?
CC: and tell )(im I'm sorry.
CC: I'd be GROUPER GRATEFUL!!
GG: feferi!!!
GG: you are THE ABSOLUTE WORST
GG: but ok
GG: i guess
GG: but hes kind of a douche!
CC: I know, isn't it CUT-E?
CC: T)(ANKS, JAD-E!!
CC: YOU are t)(e absoute BEST!
CC: for S)(ORE!!!
CC: no conc)(test!
GG: aaaaaaaaaaaaa!
CC: ok you're going to wake up now!
CC: sea you next time!

--Jade Harley [GG] ceased glubbing with Feferi Peixes [CC] --
--END DREAMLOG [reason: JADE HARLEY exited dreambubble.]--

Chapter 5

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: hey rose
TG: Hi, Dave.
TT: It's good to hear from you again.
TT: And to what do I owe this sudden communiqué?
TG: well i just talked to jade
TG: about her ridiculous plan
TG: Is this about Sollux?
TT: I don't think it's actually a "plan," per se.
TT: More of a "spontaneous visit."
TG: whatever you got to talk her out of it
TG: that dudes a douche and shes gonna get hurt and its wont be pretty
TG: she doesnt listen to me but if you toss some purple text and capital letters at her i think shell probably wise up
TG: Capitalization does carry quite a lot of weight in our small circle, doesn't it?
TG: yeah keep on high fiving yourself for typing like a grandma
TG: congrats
TG: anyway i just think this whole thing is a really bad idea
TG: and we should stop it
TG: for her sake
TG: Ah.
TG: ah what
TG: there is no ah
TG: It's just an "ah," Dave.
TT: It doesn't have to signify anything.
TG: everything signifies with you
TG: youre like queen signification
TG: you sit there nodding sagely and tapping your pen against your legal pad
TG: all ahing like you know what i think and why i think it
TG: who the fuck to you think you are
TG: some kind of afterlife judge weighing my texts against my sins
TG: hey check me out im rose lalonde
TG: i sit and snoop through your soul and hold up some chintzy fucking scales
TG: on one side is a feather and on the other is a weighty tome of utter bullshit
TG: comprised of my baseless assumptions and faux shrink opinions about how you should have lived your life
TG: if the feather weighs more you win a new car
TG: its a shitty station wagon
TG: presented by a grinning skeleton in an evening gown
TG: if my worthless psychological conjectures tip the balance i get to sit and pat myself on the back
TG: all sphinxlike and inscrutable
TG: epitomizing the insufferable broad
TG: Dave, why are you so angry at me?
TT: Also, 'sphinxlike' is a good word.
TT: So is 'epitomizing'.
TG: jesus christ quit being such a martyr
TG: . . .
TT: So, after twenty-odd years you've finally grasped the concept of irony.
TT: Well done.
TT: Now are you just going to insult me with roundabout Greco-Egyptian mythical metaphors for the rest of our conversation?
TT: Or are you going to behave like a reasonable human being?
TT: Because as much as I'd like to repair this rift between us I will not sit by while you wax poetic on my many failings.
TT: For some strange reason I don't enjoy having poison poured into my ear.
TG: oh thats rich
TG: like you dont go around dripping ichor
TG: all caustic and judgemental
TG: You are very, very good at being unkind, Dave.
TG: good to know i can do something right
TG: Dave, please stop.
TG: ok whatever i said what i want to say im done talking to you
TG: peace

-- turntechGodhead [TG] blocked tentacleTherapist [TT] --

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

EB: hi dave!
EB: hope you're feeling ok.
EB: rose said you were pretty upset and i just wanted to say you can always talk to me if you need to.
EB: i know that i give you a lot of shit sometimes but you're really important to me!
EB: to all of us!
EB: actually, i wish you'd talk to me in general.
EB: it's been like three weeks.
EB: i miss you, buddy!
EB: it looks like you're not going to answer.
EB: maybe you forgot to log out or something.
EB: i'll quit leaving you sappy messages but you'd better text me or something because my birthday is coming up and it won't be the same without some rambling strider horseshit clogging my inbox.
EB: talk to you later!
EB: oh wait, i just remembered why i messaged you in the first place!
EB: i wanted to tell you that you should be nicer to rose.
EB: because if you ever make my girlfriend cry again i will come to your house and kick your fucking ass.
EB: i am not joking.
EB: ok dave, take care!
EB: bye!

-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

Notes:

whoops are we in a whole other story right now
no
this story is now jade/sollux shipping and snippy dersefights

also if anyone is interested i'm miraclemodus on tumblr