Why did Pete have to show up again? He should have just left things alone. He really doesn't need my help. All he's done is stir up things I've been struggling to keep buried.
~Oh, Myka, who are you kidding? You haven't been able to keep anything buried where that place is concerned.~
Isn't it funny that my inner critic's voice has morphed into Hel -- hers? Okay, so maybe funny isn't exactly the right word for it. Creepy, messed up, perverse; those are all much more appropriate words for it. I just wish I could figure out how to change it back to the voice I've always heard all my life. I don't know that I can spend the rest of my life listening to her chastise me over the stupid decisions I'll undoubtedly make.
~Like your decision to leave Warehouse 13? Really, darling, that was terribly stupid of you. Did you really think that you could give it up for good?~
I'd give it all up if it meant that she would just shut up. Unfortunately, that's about as likely to happen as Pete suddenly becoming a proper gentleman. Wait. Proper gentleman? What the hell? Now I'm starting to phrase things like her, too? This needs to stop before I totally lose my mind.
~Is it really so bad that your speech patterns mimic mine? Shouldn't that be a clue that you might miss that life? That you might miss me?~
I don't miss her. Really, I don't. Why should I miss the woman who tried to destroy the entire world because of some misguided sense of injustice? She should never have been released from bronzing in the first place. Clearly, she's completely insane and absolutely dangerous. Revenge for her daughter isn't a good enough reason for what she did.
~I knew deep down that you cared, darling.~
No, I don't care about her. I don't care that she made me feel things I'd never felt before, or probably ever will again. I don't care if she lets her sense of revenge destroy herself. As long as she's found before she can destroy the world, and gets bronzed again, I'll be just fine. Maybe I'll even go back to Warehouse 13 and my old job.
~So you'd rather hide yourself away while I'm on the lam? Refuse to return to the job you adored until I've been caught and contained again? Instead of being part of the team to actually catch me and bring me to justice? Really, Myka darling, that's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard..~
Go to hell, will you?
Wait. Why am I even having this conversation with Hel -- with myself? It's over. Warehouse 13, and anyone associated with it, is no longer a part of my life. They've all tried to get me back countless times since I left, but nothing has worked. If she showed up here at the shop, begged me on her knees, I wouldn't go back. That part of my life is over, thanks to her.
~If it really was as over as you say, you wouldn't even take their calls or read their emails. Face it, Myka, it's a part of you and you'll never be rid of it.~
I don't want to deal with this. Not now, not ever. None of it matters anymore because I'm never going back. If I don't go back, I don't have to deal with her -- with any of them ever again. That's not my life anymore. And having Pete just show up out of the blue like that is not helping with the compartmentalization of that part of my life. It's taken all this time to get to the point where I don't think about it on a nearly constant basis.
~Oh come now, Myka. You and I both know that's a lie. You still think about the warehouse and your team constantly. You even think about me fairly const--~
No! No, that's a lie. I don't think about anyone from that place anymore. Only when they try to get me to go back there, and that's to be expected. No, there's nothing there for me to go to back to, least of all a murderous, insane, fascinating woman that never should have been taken out of the Bronzer in the first place.
~Fascinating? Really, darling, just admit that you miss them -- miss me -- and pack up your things. Go back and live the life you were meant to live.~
Oh, you shut up! I don't miss you. There's nothing to miss. You used me, manipulated and cajoled me into thinking you were someone different, someone special. It was all a lie for you to get unlimited access to the warehouse's resources so you could carry out your plans of world destruction. It was because of you that I had to leave my job and my friends. You made me--
~Quite happy, as I recall. Myka, you're deluding yourself.~
Great! Now I'm talking to her like she's really here. Fine, then let's just fall completely over the edge into insanity and go for it.
You made me question my integrity and my ability to know right from wrong. You made me trust you, and then you used me. If I ever find you again, they won't need to put you in the Bronzer. They won't find enough of you to fit into a Ziploc bag.
~You can't possibly mean that, darling. You don't want to become like me. Trust me, it's not the way to live your life.~
What I need to do is find a hypnotist; someone who can erase all these damned memories I have of Helena Wells. I don't even care that it means I'll lose an entire year of memories of Warehouse 13 and my team. I want her gone. I want you gone. I want to live a normal life again.
~Oh, please! Myka, your life has never been normal, not since you first became an agent for Warehouse 13. Besides, normal is boring and you, my dear, are meant for greater things.~
And there you go again, tempting me with your pretty words and your pillow talk. I won't fall for it again. You proved to be too unstable for my equilibrium; and that's saying something, considering what I did for a living. You were the one variable I couldn't control, and you had to go.
~And yet my unpredictability was one of my greatest draws to you, wasn't it? You liked that I could rile you up in ways that Pete never could. All those nights when I would sneak into your room…~
No! Stop that, you evil harpy. I hated your unpredictability. And I definitely hated how I could never tell you no. Well, almost never. Damn it, why did I let you get under my skin? And why can't I extricate you from my life now?
I hate you, Helena Wells, with every fiber in my being.
~Remember, darling, hate and love are opposite sides of the same coin, and the line between them can blur very easily. How else could I have grown so vengeful after Christina's death?~
No, I don't love you. I can't love you.