NYU Center for Cosmology and Particle Physics
The case of the missing physicist was pretty standard right up until the machine in the lab they were investigating glitched. Again apparently, since it was pretty obvious what had happened to Dr. Connors once she and Rosa figured out they were caught in a time loop cycling through parallel realities. In hindsight it shouldn’t have taken them as long as it did to realize it (Foresight? Could have happened? What was the appropriate grammar and vocabulary to use for time loops in other universes? I mean, if she could hypothetically report this, how was she even supposed to start if she couldn’t settle on a tense? Explaining this was difficult enough without that headache.). Travel in time and relative dimension in space was highly unlikely, but Amy had always secretly hoped to be a companion. Plus she was going to be (is going to be? could be going to be?) the first queer Cuban female captain in the NYPD; she was a pretty damned good detective.
One minute they were in the physics lab watching Dr. Connors’ lab assistant, Marty, demonstrate how the lab had been set up when he’d entered in the morning to find everything on and Dr. Connors gone without having swiped out with his access card. Amy had been trying to look extra interested to make up for Rosa’s clear boredom; she’d actually said to the highly distressed tech, “Cut the technobabble and just show us where things were.” It was hard while simultaneously focusing on how strangely attractive Rosa’s scowl was (contrary to everything her mother had ever told her about flies and honey) and her own warm glow of satisfaction at being primary on her very own locked lab mystery. But Amy was an excellent multitasker. Then bright light, weird boom, and she was at her desk in the 99 just as she’d been that morning, looking at Jake, now with hideous mustache and goatee, pouring orange soda into his cereal.
“Oh my God what the hell!” she yelled. Jake jumped and upset his bowl all over his desk, making his keyboard even stickier than before. He did this a lot, which was why his reports were missing Bs. So many urgalaries.
“What the hell what the hell Santiago!” he yelled back. “I told you it’s part of a balanced breakfast, incorporating all the food groups.”
“Sugar and orange flavoring aren’t food groups Jake! And I meant how did I get here, what’s going on, and what’s up with all the hair?” She waved her hand at his general facial area.
“Title of your sex tape.” Jake shot back. “And you walked in this morning, were working on a your report until you suddenly yelled, and my mustache and goatee are sweet as well as mandatory!”
For her continued sanity Amy ignored that last part and focused on the main problem like the highly trained detective she was. “I was at the physics lab with Rosa and--”
“Ow! What’d you do that for?” Boyle howled, backing out of the break room and holding his hand to an equally hideous mustache and goatee. Rosa stalked out after him, got him in a headlock and pulled at his mustache again. “Owww!”
“Why. Won’t. It come. Off?” Rosa growled in frustration, yanking at every pause and ripping another whimper from Boyle each time.
“Because it’s attached to my face per regulation!”
“Detective Diaz!” Holt’s stentorian tones rang out across the bullpen as he appeared in his office doorway, sporting a full on pornstache and soul patch on his still impassive and stately face, not to mention the full afro on his head. He fixed them with a gimlet eye. Everybody froze and Amy once again wished for his ability to command even with ridiculous facial hair. He truly was an inspiration.
“Unhand Boyle and get back to work. There’s been a missing persons report down at the NYU Center for Cosmology and Particle Physics, and I want you and Santiago on it.”
He dropped the file on Gina’s desk and retreated back into his office.
Rosa released Boyle, who was gingerly patting his reddened face, and stalked over to grab the file from Gina’s desk, flipping through it rapidly. Amy came and hovered over her shoulder. “But we were just on this!” she whispered.
Rosa snorted. “So it’s not just me hallucinating then? Good to know.”
“How can this be happening? We were just in the lab! This is impossible!” Amy muppet flailed as quietly as she could to avoid the captain’s notice.
“Au contraire mon frere!”
Amy would deny to her dying day the muffled scream she let out as she whirled around, but even Rosa’s trademark cool wavered as Gina materialized behind them, stroking her own mustache and goatee combo.
“No mustache and goatee? Amy looking even more like upset Flava Flav than usual? Repeating cases? I’d say you’re probably the bizarro-verse counterparts of our Amy and Rosa caught in some kind of interdimensional vortex and maybe a time loop. And it’s not impossible. It happens to my second cousin Vinny all the time, though he just gets sent to last Tuesday in the world without garlic and comes back bitching every time.”
“Oh I beg to differ, bizzaro Amy. Haven’t you seen Back to the Past where Malcolm Jamal-Warner gets sent to an alternate version of the 24th century in a tricked out Datsun and has to resolve his inner conflicts and put something that goes wrong right so his kids don’t blow up the moon and end all life on earth? Clearly you’ve gone wrong somewhere besides that hideous outfit and lack of facial hair and have to fix it.”
“I know where I went wrong. Not punching you in the face the second you opened your mouth.” Rosa’s glare was set to stun, but Gina just rolled her eyes and sailed off, waving a hand airily. “Well excuse me for trying to Doc Brown! You can’t say I didn’t warn you when you go on your alternate universe time loop montage of realization.”
Rosa and Amy looked at each other and then around the bullpen where Jake had given up on mopping up orange soda and was tossing soggy pieces of cereal into a sleeping Scully’s mustache. If this was the bizarro version of their world, no one seemed especially evil, but neither did they seem terribly competent to deal with timey wimey shenanigans. If Gina’s goofy theories were their best source of information, then they were in trouble.
“Let’s go back and see if we can beat some understandable answers out of that lab tech.”
Rosa’s plan, though typically and unnecessarily violent, was better than Amy’s ideas of trying to explain this all to the captain, denying it was happening at all and waiting to wake up, or sitting in a corner and wailing until it all made sense. On the plus side, Marty the lab tech was there and was just as willing this time to demonstrate the lab setup once Rosa loomed at him. On the minus side, the machine glitched again.
Deep Space 99
On the other plus side Jake dropped his hasperat when she screamed at the sight of the stars, but he only had to replicate more. Also, detecting in space? Completely awesome! The symbiont took a little getting used to but Amy still had no problem helping first officer Rosa catch smugglers trying to steal the Orb of Time. It turned out Rosa was a crack shot with a phaser as well as a gun and could really work a bodysuit. That, plus the stars and wormhole and aliens of course, majorly expanded Amy’s universe. If humanity could make it to the stars and meet life on other planets, if Amy could hold another life inside of her that had done things and had experiences she’d never imagined, if she and Rosa could still kick ass and take names light years away from the 99 and in extraordinary circumstances, what couldn’t they do together? Except, apparently, fail at keeping H’tchc’ck from causing a transporter malfunction with interference from the chronitons from the Orb of Time.
99th Street Theater
It turned out the way to avoid watching Jake eat gross things at his desk was to make him a dancer who ate ridiculous things after rehearsal. Jake turned out to be a surprisingly competent dancer with mime and clown training. For Amy’s part, the less said about her dancing, the better; if she never heard Gina pound her walking stick on the floor and yell, “If you want fame, then fame costs” in rehearsal again, it would be too soon. But Rosa and Holt as principal dancers were controlled poetry in motion. Amy already knew about Holt’s unexpected dance prowess (was there anything that man couldn’t do?) but Rosa was a revelation, and not just the fact that she’d been in the American Ballet Theater school. All of Rosa’s explosive and athletic power worked in tandem with Holt’s restrained and precisely sensual aesthetic. She expressed depths of emotion and grace Amy had never suspected in the smallest of movements, becoming a whole different person, or maybe the person she hid carefully at the 99. Watching her was like being transported to another world, until they actually were.
This time when Amy ended up back at her desk in the 99 watching Jake doctor his cereal, he was doing it by waving a wand and saying “Accio pumpkin juice!” He still spilled it when Amy yelled (this time in delight; she’d always wanted to go to Hogwarts too).
“Ugh Amy you messed up my concentration.” He waved his wand and muttered a quick cleaning charm.
“Sorry!” Amy glanced around quickly and barely kept herself from bouncing with glee. On the wall was the seal of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and on her desk was her auror badge, a red and gold Gryffindor scarf, and a small picture frame showing an animated and kind of smug Amy displaying, Vanna White-style, her Outstanding marks in Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology and other N.E.W.T.s and her certificates in Concealment and DIsguise and Stealth and Tracking. Even if she hadn’t actually completed the auror training herself in this world, she was sure she would have passed with flying colors, since she resisted the dance she wanted to do and managed to say with minimal shiftiness, “I just remembered I forgot to tell Rosa something. I’ll be right back.”
She didn’t have to look far for Rosa, who was again in the break room sporting a scowl that sent a berobed Boyle skittering out of her way, robes flying.
“Why are we all wearing these stupid robes?”
Amy swirled hers around. “It’s what witches and wizards wear. We’re in Harry Potter and magic is real! And I think they look great. This is so cool!” In fact, Rosa looked particularly good in her black robes, extra gothy and like a perfect witch, though it wasn’t like she looked bad at any other time.
Rosa rolled her eyes. “You would think so. You’re the nerd expert here. What are we supposed to be fixing?”
“Aurors! To the briefing room!” Holt’s voice was recognizable anywhere, even if his black-robed figure was not. He still looked magnificent, like a magical Supreme Court judge (not Clarence Thomas. Maybe a black gay male Sonia Sotomayor or Ruth Bader Ginsburg or his mom).
“I think we’re about to find out.” Rosa and Amy headed into the briefing room, which looked a lot like their usual one in the 99 except, instead of PowerPoint, a moving photo of the crime scene showed a large mirror floating off a stand and disappearing from a medieval-looking dungeon. Rosa and Amy grabbed cups of what turned out to be pumpkin juice from the pot Scully was fixing and slid into their seats behind Jake. He was casting Wingardium leviosa and divebombing paper airplanes at Hitchcock’s head until Terry, wearing a robe that could have doubled as a tarp, stared him down and started the briefing.
“Early this morning someone stole an experimental portkey from a university alchemy lab. There were no obvious entry or exit points or evidence of teleportation, levitation or use of the floo network. The portkey just floats off the stand and disappears. It’s a highly volatile portal to other dimensions and times. We’re looking at possible dark wizards who might want to reverse the outcome of the Battle of Hogwarts, so it’s imperative that we find and return it as soon as possible. Any ideas?”
Gina, whose robes were purple for some reason and who wearing rhinestone-studded cat’s eye glasses, put down her copy of the Quibbler and waved her hand. “Ooh oooh my divination this morning said that I was going to meet travelers from another world and prevent the destruction of the universe by dark wizards.”
“Thanks Harry Potter but I think we’ve got this covered.” Jake said. “We don’t need no stinkin’ travelers from another universe.”
“I’m a traveler from another universe!” Amy’s hand shot up and she clapped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide.
Rosa rolled her eyes. “Ugh so am I and why are you so annoyingly adorable? Plus you kind of kick ass in any universe. It makes me wanna have your back all the time. And your front. And any side of you you’ll let me get up on. I did not mean to say any of that. Crap!”
Jake looked like all his Yule Balls had come at once and Rosa clapped a hand over his mouth and her own.
“Anybody with anything useful to add?” Terry asked. “Terry doesn’t have time for these shenanigans and would like to get out of here before the farmer’s market closes.”
“This is in no way useful to the case but I had a dream last night that I found an every flavour jelly bean that tasted like like a morello cherry and toasted almond ganache cronut with vanilla sugar. Also I saw Scully accidentally put veritaserum into the pumpkin juice.” Boyle said.
“Scully!” everybody else yelled.
“What!? They both look the same! Well, not really but I wasn’t paying attention.”
Amy would swear that Holt’s ability to eyeroll without moving a facial muscle was magic, but she’d seen him do it too much in her own muggle world. “Everybody stay out of interrogation until the veritaserum wears off. Diaz, Santiago, go investigate the scene at the university and try to keep your mouths shut. Actually, that goes for all of you. Dismissed!”
Gina cornered Rosa and Amy before they could escape the briefing room. “I knew my divination would come true. They always do. Well not really but I can always make them fit after the fact. I’m a genius with the powers of Luna Lovegood and the raw sensuality of a veela. So you guys need to stop the dark wizard from getting away with that portkey or we’re all doomed and you’ll never get back to your universe. Also, there are sloppy makeouts and hot lovin’ in your future.” Gina made kissy noises as she apparated away.
“I actually kind of like her and hope she’s right. I'd go back to your place right now and do you until we knocked those stupid figurines off your shelves, and I'd even like cuddling afterward. Damn it! I hate this feelings crap. I’m going to rip Scully’s eyeballs out of his nose.” Underneath the James Dean lip curl, Rosa looked, if possible, a little nervous.
Amy resisted the urge to pinch herself. This universe was magic! And maybe it was the veritaserum, but Amy gather up her courage and admitted what she'd been thinking for a few universes now.
“You’re so hot when you threaten people with bodily harm. Actually when you're doing anything. It's like a superpower. You're a great detective too, and for awhile I didn't know if I wanted to be you, beat you, or have you but I'm pretty sure it's that last one. I would have sloppy makeouts and more with you anytime.”
Rosa’s turned on face was subtly different from her resting scowl or her nervous lip thing, but ten times hotter and suddenly much closer. Amy didn't know what her own face was doing; something ridiculously muppety she suspected, but apparently it wasn't putting Rosa off.
"Choo choo! Platform 69, all aboard! Two tickets to bone town coming right up. I'm always right ladies!" They both jumped and sprang apart when Gina chugged by, making train whistle noises.
Amy turned red and stared at the wall like it would reveal the portkey back to their world or at least anywhere else less embarrassing and feelings-laden. Rosa growled. "OK I'm back to wanting to punch her in the face."
There was a moment of awkward silence.
“Right, let’s go to the lab, solve this case, and get home to our universe, so we can do this thing.” Amy could find absolutely no objection to this plan.
Sadly it wasn’t that easy, though they did figure out that the dark wizard was still in the lab under an invisibility cloak, waiting for an opportunity to escape once the aurors lifted the portkey and floo restrictions. Amy cast Homenum revelio to smoke them out (with perfect pronunciation and just the right flick of her wand if she did say so herself), and Rosa hit them with Expelliarmus so hard Amy was blinking red from her vision for a minute afterwards. The dark wizard went flying one way and the portkey the other. Rosa and Amy both went to catch it and -
For a moment, Amy thought disappointment at ending up back at the 99 and watching Jake do disgusting things to his cereal were causing the low burn of nausea under her breastbone. But then she looked down at her burgeoning stomach, which was too big to fit under her desk, which was actually the Captain’s desk because she was pregnant in the Captain’s office and sitting behind his desk while Jake ate cereal in front of her. She let out a wail that had Rosa running from the break room. “How am I pregnant? Why am I in the Captain’s chair? Why is there a wedding picture of me and Rosa!?”
Amy pointed at the nicely framed photo where she had a tasteful veil attached to her formal police cap and Rosa was actually full on smiling for once. They looked pretty adoring in a way that Amy had dreamed of but never quite expected to have. Rosa certainly had never been in the picture before, literally or metaphorically, but it was a little surprising how well they fit. The Rosa currently in her office looked about as freaked out as she did.
Jake began, “Well when two detectives love each other very much-” before Rosa rabbit punched him in the arm. “Ow! Rude.”
Gina popped her head around the doorway and cooed at her, “Aw Santa Maria, did you forget your wife as well as your promotion and your immaculate conception? Is that any way to treat the woman who stood by you like Joseph? And you call yourself a good Catholic girl.”
“Oh my God I made captain! Yes!” Amy fist pumped in lieu of the victory dance she wanted to do. “Wait, we wore our dress uniforms at the wedding? And you mean we didn’t even do anything and I’m pregnant?”
“Title of Amy Santiago’s no-sex tape!” Jake crowed and spilled his orange soda cereal on her desk while making victory arms.
Amy tried bringing the photo through to the next reality just so she’d have proof (of making captain of course, not the wedding) but it didn’t take. Amy found she could still see it in her mind’s eye anyway.
The most surprising thing about the world where partners had telepathic soulbonds was exactly how much Rosa kept under wraps with that impassive expression and how much of an amazingly hot game Amy would find it to try and get each other to break by thinking the filthiest things they could at each other as they went about their day solving the case.
It started accidentally during their regular break room world hopping debrief when she was watching Rosa’s mouth and idly thinking about sliding her fingers into her hair and kissing her. So sue her, alternate realities had gotten a little old hat and Rosa was unfairly attractive. Plus she’d been her wife (and pregnant!) without getting to experience all the benefits. Rosa shivered and went a little heavy lidded. At first she thought the heat that went through her was just her but Rosa tapped the side of her head and said, “You know I can hear you, feel you, right?”
Amy blushed and went even hotter. Trying not to think about the pink elephant in the room was impossible. Amy frantically imagined Peralta eating orange soda cereal but now she was conditioned to think about Rosa right afterward, the welcome sight of her leonine hair, leather jacket and miles long legs. She could feel as well as see Rosa’s amused smirk and slow coiling lust, which only led again to thoughts of how that lip curl would feel against hers and how Rosa could wrap her legs around Amy. Without saying a word Rosa thought about how all that dance practice had made her pretty flexible, and that turned into a feedback loop that only broke when Captain Holt called them to the briefing room.
Amy was trying to pay attention but Rosa made her squirm all through the meeting by thinking about sliding her hands down Amy’s body, unbuttoning her blouse (it was not prim, Amy thought) and sucking gently on her nipples over the lace of her bra, unbuttoning her pants and getting her hands down the top of the granny panties she was wearing (they were just sensible, Amy thought, shifting in her seat and clenching her thighs together. You can’t have your underwear riding up when you’re trying to chase a suspect). Rosa was thinking about how wet she’d be when Amy caught the tail end of Captain Holt saying “-Santiago can do it. Right Santiago?”
Amy jerked back to attention and sat up straight, face burning and another hot pulse going through her as her posture pressed her thighs together a little tighter. She didn’t even have to look at Rosa to know she had a smirk on her face. “Of course Captain I can do anything. I’m completely and totally at your service.”
“That’s what she said!” Gina cried and gave Rosa a no-look five.
Her face burned even hotter as Holt gave her that blank look he did when she said something absolutely dumb. Amy thought about Captain Holt’s poker face and telepathy and how expressive his husband found him and then immediately deleted that thought.
“I appreciate your willingness to serve and protect. You and Diaz wrap up this missing persons case as quickly as possible. Dismissed!”
So back to the lab it was and Amy tuned out Marty the lab assistant; she’d heard his spiel about a million times now. She focused on giving Diaz a run for her money. So she thought Amy was prim and granny-pantied, huh?
As Marty prattled on and set things up, Amy thought about stripping Rosa down and bending her over the nearest lab table, eating her out until she cried and then slipping a couple of fingers into her and sucking her clit until she came screaming.
Before they eventually bounced to the next reality, Rosa broke a microscope out of sexual frustration. It was pretty great.
NYU Center for Cosmology and Particle Physics
Who even made experimental pollen that made you have sex with each other? OK, stupid question. But seriously, how was that a thing? They hadn’t even gotten back to the physics lab yet this time. A detour through chemistry and a freak accident left them both doused and super horny. The universes were definitely trying to tell them something and who were they to resist?
“All right, that’s it. I'm not waiting for another reality to get my hands on your ass.” Rosa’s mouth came down hot on Amy’s, sweet and lush as she knew it would be. Amy practically tore Rosa’s leather jacket and Rosa wasted no time getting Amy’s pants open. She noted that her granny panties certainly weren’t putting Rosa off at all (ha!), and she’d never gotten naked faster in her life. Rosa had her hiked up on a lab table with her knees spread so fast her head spun. She swore she saw every single reality they’d gone through and all the stars in between as Rosa worked her with her tongue, and then it all descended into a haze of heat and sweat. She surfaced for flashes--Rosa, hot and wet, riding her thigh with her head thrown back and hair wild; the feel of Rosa sitting on her face, driving down on her tongue and filling her mouth with her salty sweetness; sliding up Rosa’s body to exchange the taste of themselves between biting kisses. They eventually collapsed on the lab table, sweaty and fucked out, petting languidly at each other and trading absent kisses that were sweeter than Amy ever expected from Rosa. For once Amy barely cared about the case or seeing that stupid physics lab again, but the labs lockdown lasted only so long. They pulled on their clothes haphazardly and stumbled out into the next lab, running straight into Marty the lab assistant and, shockingly, Dr. Connors. They both looked rode hard and put away wet too.
“You!” Rosa growled and Dr. Connors retreated a bit, wobbly-legged and clinging to Marty who, Amy guessed, was a little more than his assistant. “We’ve been looking all over for you!”
For his part, Dr. Connors looked a little sheepish through the exhaustion and smug satiation radiating off of him. “The experiment went a little awry but the final results were satisfactory and statistically significant.”
“I’ll show you significant. Come on, before we destroy the universe with obliviousness and nookie.” Rosa collared him by his lab coat and Amy got Marty and they frogmarched them back to the physics lab.
They made the both of them go through the lab set up, hopefully for the final time, Rosa glaring every time they stopped to make cow eye’s at one another.
“C’mon chop chop! Time’s wastin’”
“Technically, we should arrive back at the exact time we left and -”
NYU Center for Cosmology and Particle Physics
He was right. They did end up back in the lab at the exact same point they left, but this time, Dr. Connors and Marty were both there. To his credit, the doctor did apologize for messing with the space-time continuum and promised not to do it again. Rosa threatened to pull his spleen out through his belly button if he did, but Amy thought he’d be a little too otherwise occupied for major physics shenanigans if the way his boyfriend was looking at him was any indication.
They left the lab (never to be seen again Amy fervently hoped) and stepped out into the muggy air of a New York CIty summer in their own proper reality. It was the same day but everything felt changed.
“So that was pretty wild, huh?” Amy fidgeted and laughed a little nervously, looking at all the people streaming past obliviously, at life continuing on in an orderly march of minutes. It was all starting to feel like a surreal dream already, though she could still taste Rosa on her lips. But maybe that was for other realities. Maybe Rosa would want to go back to the way things were and wasn’t even thinking about the high squeak Amy made when she came and the picture of the two of them in their wedding dress uniforms. Amy would have killed for telepathy in this moment. “Who knew the space-time continuum would work so hard to get those two together?”
Rosa stared at her for a moment, impassive, and then her mouth curled up into the surprisingly sweet and rare smile Amy had come to crave.
“Who said all of that was just for them? Never tell her I said this, but Gina was right. We just had to get our heads out of our own realities and realize the right one was in front of us the whole time.”
Amy grinned, heady relief blooming through her. “Some detectives we are. Though I will be the first queer Cuban female captain in--”
Rosa pulled her in by her lapels and kissed her quiet, and Amy thought that this was the best time in the best universe of all.