You can love someone to the deepest wells of your soul. You can know you will never know love like this again, no matter what else happens in your life. You would feed your soul to him. You would sap his soul away. Only to be that much closer, to know him that much more. To know you know, and to know he knows. To be one, not two. Not trivial. Mundane. Like any other pair.
All you want to do is climb into him, under his skin, just beneath his surface. You want to fill him out, so there is nothing but you underneath. You and him, meshed. One. You pry his flesh up with your fingernails as he plies you with his knife. Bite down, bite in, sink in, using the only tool you have left.
You want all of this.
You want all of him.
You hate what he has made you into.
You hate that he hasn’t made you into anything. You’re just like him. You have always been.
2. This Used To Be Easy
At some point you became a control freak.
Merlin, how badly do you hate that word? Freak.
You weren’t before – in control – but you can be now and that must be why, mustn’t it?
But you’ve always been a freak.
The combination is bad, ugly. You know it must be when you see him, your third lover, and all he is doing is talking, but you’re furious. All you want to do is rip him away from his coworker and demand he never speaks to him again, because he must be… they must be … he must want him.
And this, this couldn’t last because you are so. Fucked. Up. You want to cry, shout, rip things apart, even as you stand there, trying to keep from marching across the room and rip him apart. You want to fall apart. Freak.
All he does is look up, see you and smile. He comes over, links fingers and takes you home.
Your energy is sapped away. You don’t know what to do anymore.
3. This Time That We Waste
This will never last. It was never meant to. It’s not what either of you want. You’re both friends, family even, not lovers. But you meet up, have coffee, talk. You end up moving in together, mostly because your eyes meets and there is nothing but pain and need in that shared look.
You fall into bed because he needs you and you need him to need you. You have no one left who needs you, and no one left to control either. No one is left who wants to be controlled, and you’ve always been shit at keeping a leash on anyone who doesn’t positively yearn for it.
But he wants you, needs your control, and you are happy to give him what he asks of you. It heals you both.
So you move in together. You sleep together. You are friends. You both know it will end eventually. In this moment you are happy to exist where you are, living, loving, and closing old wounds no one could ever turn into old scars before.
4. Every Word Is Calculated
You were wrong, or lying to yourself, when you said you had no one left who wanted your control. There was always one, but you tend to forget him. In your mind he doesn’t really count. He hungers for you, for your dominance, but you both know what he truly desires is a world past for both of you.
You cannot be what he wants anymore and he knows better – even far better than you do – to ask it of you. This does not stop him from desiring you and all you represent to him, you both know it. The knowledge does not stop either of you from seeking each other out.
More often than not he plays the role of your mentor and advisor, but you are always the one in control. He cannot help himself but submit to your power.
You do not see each other often anymore, not like before, after his death. Then you were inseparable and inconsolable, seeking refuge in each other against the rest of the world. Now… Now you meet for an occasional amusement, a party and the hours after, an elegant weekend, a quiet summer. Once or twice you have sought him out in a panic, but those times have dropped away with time.
He never panics.
Always you come together in the name of memory. Every year, one day of summer.
5. You Bring Me Higher
He’s the one. You have never met anyone who makes you happier.
He dominates, more by nature than any design, and you shiver at the thought alone. Only one other person has ever been able to dominate you. It always hurt. It bit into you like burning ice, shredded your soul. You miss that, the past, him, on your masochistic days. But now and here, this man… He caught your attention and sunk into your skin when you were distracted. He caressed and soothed until you melted away. He was a warm bath you drowned in.
He makes you happy.
You know you’ve been happy before; you remember times – days, events, seconds – you smiled, laughed, felt joy and pleasure. You can’t quite recall ever feeling this happy, or happy in this way. It is calm and content.
You spend a lot of time thinking how to reciprocate. You hope to the seventh circle of hell you make him happy too, because you don’t want to lose him. You know you’ll go on if you lose him – you always survive – but you feel you will lose something special, someone you can’t find again.
But you do make him happy. His smile, his laugh, the way he actively tries to touch you, makes sure you’re somehow in contact… A thigh pressed against yours or fingertips traced along your shoulder. The way he looks at you, talks to you, talks about you…
He has a lot of interests outside your experience and even more friends. He travels most of the year and his career is always one of his focuses. You like all of these things about him. It keeps you both separate, independent. You, after all, are all those things to him too. You feel like two people twined together, interesting and interested. You never have to fear melting into nothing with him, or melting him into you.
You are pretty sure you will spend the rest of your life with him, because he laughs at your good jokes and makes fun of your bad ones. He lets you go to bed angry, but he tears into you after you’ve had your first cup of tea. He doesn’t call when you’re a world away, but he forgives you when you forget an anniversary. Most of all because when you are together you can simply collapse on the couch for hours on end, just being.
Even if he leaves you, you’ll love him forever. You will always love them all, they are all pieces of you now, but you love him most of all.
You don’t think he’ll leave. You’ve already decided to actively make him as stupidly happy as you are.