==>DAVE: FREAK THE FUCK OUT
You are Dave Strider.
You don't freak the fuck out. Ever.
Not even if you have woke up to be the victim of what is probably the game's idea of a sick joke, turning your choice human ass into something barely human at all.
You've been on this space rock for a couple days already, getting used to the trolls, getting used to where you're all probably going to be living for the rest of your lives, and you know where the nearest mirror is. It's hanging on your wall, dumpass. Like, right above your bed, so you can ironically blow yourself kisses each morning.
There will be no ironic self-affection this morning, only dismayed self-inspection.
Your hand reaches for your sunglasses but your eyes stare at the thing in the mirror. You don't look so bad, for a troll, anyway. At least your facial structure hasn't changed much. Just the skin, and the whites of your eyes, and your hair - oh, god damn, your hair. Fuck. All that beautiful blonde hair. It's black now. Damn it, you liked your hair just the way it was!
You slide on your sunglasses, still studying yourself, and oh, there are the horns. They look disconcertingly like Karkat's. Maybe they're a little bigger, not quite so nubby and stupid-looking, but they are definitely not big honking noticeable ones like Tavros's.
You pull on the same broken record shirt that you do all the time and a pair of jeans just in time before John bursts in the door, looking like an abused puppy. A grey abused puppy, with horns that are decidedly bigger than yours, and you are definitely not jealous of them at all.
"Daaaaave!" John squeaks, and he is really freaking the fuck out, twisting his fingers in that nervous way he has. "What happened?"
"You expect me to have a fucking clue what's going on, Egbert?" You're busying yourself trying to find your shoes.
"Well maybe a little more of a clue than me," John says, and he launches himself at your bed.
"Dude, calm down," you say, calmly. "Let's find Lalonde and Harley, see if they're as fucked as we are, then we can go whine about it to Vantas or whoever the hell is willing to listen."
"But, but, but," John says, yellow eyes wide behind his glasses.
"It's just the game," you tell him. "The game is screwing with us. Just go with it, okay?"
A hint of a smile appears on his face. "Hehe, Dave, Adam Sandler!"
"I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about," you say, and you grab him by the arm and drag him to Lalonde's room.
==>ROSE: BE CALM
You are already calm. There is no point in being more calm because you are currently so calm that nothing can possibly perturb you. Your calmness is overwhelming, and you will stay calm even in the face of Jade Harley, who is definitely not calm, but luckily, you are calm. You are so calm right now. The calmest.
Okay, yes, you are a little scared, but this is not an everyday occurrence, and you have some right to be a little scared.
You're still calm, though.
Jade is sobbing nonsense words into your shoulder that you can't quite make out, and you are petting her back and trying to say words that mean something but they really don't. You are used to having grey skin - it was an aftereffect of being grimdark that just never went away - but your lovely blonde hair is now black, and you have long, tall, curvy horns that you are now annoyingly aware of. Also, you are almost one hundred percent positive that your anatomy is now completely different, and that is the part that frightens you more than anything. You are used to knowing your body thoroughly, but everything has changed, and you are scared of the implications.
Jade, in contrast, seems to be afraid of everything.
She shouldn't worry; she makes for a pretty troll, what with her delicate features and elegantly curved horns. The change seems to have made her look significantly less childish, and she is definitely more "beautiful" than "cute".
Of course, you would never think that way about Jade. She is your best friend and that is that.
"Jade," you murmur. "I am certain that we will be just fine."
"B-but what if we're not?" Jade cries into your sleeve. Her tears are green, something that disturbed you until you realised she must be a green-blood like Kanaya. You briefly wondered what your blood colour was, and then decided to conduct a full investigation later.
The door opens across from you, and it is Dave and John in the same predicament as you.
"Jooooohn!" Jade wails, leaping into his surprised arms. "This suuuuucks!"
"It's okay, Jade!" John says, trying to be cheerful. "Did you know you make a really pretty troll?"
So you were not the only one to notice. Good.
"I don't want to be a troll!"
You allow John to attempt comforting Jade while Dave sits next to you on the bed. "So," he drawls. "Enjoying your new bone bulge?"
You wince. "I have not yet had time to see if that is the case."
Dave shrugs. "If this isn't temporary, then you'll probably have plenty of time."
"I'm sure." You are silent for another moment, and then you say, almost melancholy, "I miss my hair."
"Ah," Dave says, smirking, "blonde hair. The one thing we had to set us apart from every other thing on this rock. I feel your pain, paradox sister."
You lean over and lay your head on his shoulder, or you were going to before your horns knocked into the side of his head and he pulled away, rubbing at his skull. "Jesus, Lalonde, keep those things to yourself!"
"Sorry," you say, blushing a little. You will have to get used to these silly things, and you are already not enjoying them very much.
Suddenly Dave is staring at you, mouth open a little, and you frown. "What is the matter?" you snap.
"You're blushing," he says.
"Yes, and what about it?"
"It's...purple," he says, gesturing at your cheeks. "Like...purple."
"Oh," you say, touching your cheek. "Oh. I guess...that makes me a, a, what is it? Highblood."
"Yeah," Dave says. He continues to stare at you, unable to take his eyes off of your cheeks, until you slap his shoulder. He shakes his head a little. "Sorry, dammit, it's just weird."
"Jade's a green-blood," you inform him.
"Oh, really? I wonder what me and John are."
"There's plenty of ways to find out," you say. "Crying, blushing, cutting, whatever you'd like to do."
"Those first two options don't come easy to such a fucking coolkid as me," Dave drawls. "Let's try the cutting thing." Out of nowhere he's got one of his swords drawn from his sylladex, and Jade shuts up all of a sudden to watch.
He draws the edge across his wrist, ever so slightly, and watches in interest as the blood wells up around the cut. "It didn't change," he says, almost sounding disappointed. "It's still red."
"I don't think that's necessarily a good colour to have," John says slowly. "Karkat doesn't like his blood, and you guys have the same."
"Great, another thing I share with the fuckwit." To anyone without so much experience as you, his voice would have sounded smooth, emotionless as usual, but you are well-versed in Strider bullshit, and you can detect tinges of anger in his voice.
"What about me?" John asks, his voice shaking a little. "Could you...cut me?" He holds out his hand.
Dave does him the favour, and watches blue blood drip into his friend's palm. "That's good, right?"
"Better than red," John says, and immediately says, "Not that you're bad or anything, it's just how I'm pretty sure the hemospectrum works!"
"Jesus," Dave says. "I get it." You are not fooled by his calmness. You can see the beginnings of unhappiness on his face. You're sister and brother, after all, paradox or no; it is the ability of siblings to understand each other.
"Perhaps," you interrupt, "this would be a good time to break the news to the other trolls, considering it is a piece of important information."
"Let's go find Karkat," Jade agrees, holding her arms out to you. You slip an arm around her back and lead her out, unsure of her actual ability to walk by herself at this point.
==>ROSE: COME OUT OF THE RACIAL CLOSET
"Jegus fuck," Karkat says, eyes wide. "You have got to be shitting me."
"We are not shitting you," you tell him.
"Jegus fuck, fuck, fuck," Karkat says, going back into his room and pacing. You take this as an invitation to enter the room with a shaking Jade, followed by Dave and John. "Fuck!"
"Yes, we are well aware of the unfortunate nature of the situation," you say dryly. "Is there any advice you could offer us?"
Karkat turns his head towards you, still pacing, and snaps, "Yeah! Don't fucking make fools of yourselves! You stupid humans better not fucking ruin the good name of trolls, because I swear to gog - why are you bleeding, Egbert?" He blinks.
"Dave decided that we needed to know what our blood colours were," John explains. "Jade was crying, so she knew, and Rose blushed, so we knew her, too, but Dave and I did a quick little cut. It's okay, it'll heal just fine!"
"No, I'm more worried about the fact that your blood colour is actually different," Karkat says, stopping his endless circle and running a hand through his hair. "That means it's not a joke."
"Of course it's not a joke, why would we do all this just to piss you off, fuckass?" Jade is shaking, getting angry, and you rub her side in an attempt to calm her.
"I don't know, jegus, just--Strider?" Karkat pauses, looks at Dave's arm. "You're fucking kidding me."
Dave holds up his wrist. "You talking about my lovely blood, Vantas?"
"You're fucking kidding me," Karkat repeats. "You are not a mutant blood, there is no fucking way."
"Dude, I didn't pick this," Dave replies. "I'm not exactly a happy camper over here."
"You have my horns, too!" Karkat hisses, stepping towards him with a threatening look on his face.
"Karkat," John says, laughing nervously. "Stop that, it's not Dave's fault that he looks like you."
"I don't give a fuck whose fault it is! Stop looking so fucking smug, Strider!" Karkat's face is turning bright red with anger.
"Can we please not do this, you guys?" Jade says nervously, shifting out of Karkat's way. You don't blame her. "This is kind of a weird development and I think maybe we should deal with it before we go off and do any, um, eek!"
You and Jade move backwards very quickly, bumping into John, who has also quickly moved out of the way, because very suddenly Karkat is kissing Dave in the strangest way you've ever seen someone kiss. He's forcing Dave into the wall, crushing him against it, biting at his lips and making these - frankly - terrifying growling noises.
You're sure Jade has never been this scared in her life.
==>DAVE: FREAK THE FUCK OUT
Okay, you are now officially permitted to freak the fuck out, because this fucking alien is fucking kissing you on the fucking mouth after he was fucking screaming at you and oh fuck this is actually really fucking hot.
He is basically grinding you into this wall, every single inch of his body up against you, and his claws are digging into your shoulders hard enough that he's probably drawing blood. Wait, you hate this guy, and he hates you, so remind you again why you're kissing?
Very suddenly, something in the lower half of your body reminds you, not of why you're kissing but why you don't care. You kiss him back.
This is nothing like the kissing that you're used to. It's not sweet and romantic in the least. This is...this is way better, you think. Hate kissing.
His teeth break the skin on your lips, and you can taste blood, almost sweet, leaking into his mouth, into your mouth, and this is getting better by the second.
You don't want to pull away, but the ache in your lungs - or whatever alien thing you have now - is getting unbearable. You can tell the stupid asshole is feeling a little breathless, too, because his hold on you is getting weaker, and you take the opportunity to shove him off of you.
That is when you open your eyes again, and realise that John and Rose and Jade are staring at you like you've just turned into The Motherfucking Hulk before their very eyes.
Karkat was unprepared for you fighting back, it seems, and he is on his ass on the floor wiping blood from his mouth. It occurs to you that you are probably also bloody, and you put a finger to your lips. It comes away wet and red, and you lick it.
"Not bad, Strider," Karkat says hoarsely, breaking the silence. "Not bad at all."
"Could someone please explain what just happened?" Rose says. She's trying to be calm, but you can definitely hear the panic in her voice.
"I think that was what trolls call black romance," John says, trying to be helpful.
Jade squeaks, "It doesn't look like fun!"
You shake your head, darting your tongue out over your stinging lips to lick up more of the blood. "No, nope. Definitely fun."
Karkat glares at you. "I can't believe this. I just can't fucking believe this. First you four show up in bodies you're not even supposed to have, and then I fucking fall for the most stupid of you all. Gog dammit, I am never going to forgive any of you for this."
"Cool by me," you say, raising a hand.
"Shut the fuck up, Strider!" Karkat snaps. "Nobody wants to hear what you have to say!"
"Actually," Rose says, "I would like to hear what he has to say. We have been awake for approximately fifteen minutes and already my brother is in a...what is it called? Caliginous? A caliginous relationship with the first troll he meets. I would like to be enlightened as to what is going on."
"I think I get the idea," you say, licking up the last of the mess on your mouth. "I hate him, he hates me, whoops, troll boner. Isn't that how kismessitude works?"
"That's the retarded version, but yes, basically," Karkat says. He's still pissed, and you are still turned on, which is freaky considering you don't even really know what's down there. You figure you could use a chance to get to know yourself, anyway.
"Well," John says in a voice barely there, "we actually came to tell you what had happened, and maybe ask you what we should do, but as far as I can tell your response is basically...try to fit in and don't be stupid?"
"Sounds about right," Karkat says.
"If by fit in, you mean fit into quadrants," Rose says quietly.
Karkat turns his glare on her. "Shut up! I can't help feeling a certain way, you'll see that gog damn soon, I'm sure! There's always just something..." He curses, and you smirk. What an idiot. A painfully sexy idiot, but an idiot anyway.
"I think," Rose says carefully, glancing from you to Karkat, "that we three should leave and attempt to make the rest of the asteroid's population aware of our situation. Perhaps you two should work out any cultural confusion early on in your relationship."
"Sure thing," you say, the smirk still on your face. "I'm still a little culturally confused on how the whole kissing thing works. Let's go over that one more time."
Karkat glares at you again, and the heat intensifies where your dick was once, but it doesn't really feel the same. Okay, now you're really wondering what the fuck is up with troll genitals.
"Ew, ew, ew," Jade is chanting, and Rose is leading her outside.
John follows them, but as he leaves he brushes up against your arm and gives you a look. You're pretty sure it meant don't do anything stupid. Luckily, you are Dave Strider, and you never do anything stupid.
==>KARKAT: KISS YOUR KISMESIS AGAIN
No, wait, first you'd better explain some shit! Lalonde was right, there's bound to be cultural confusion and you'd better get that the fuck out of the way.
"First of all, let me just say that I loathe you," you tell him.
"Aw, I hate you too," Dave says with a sweet smile that barely looks like it belongs to him.
"Yup, that's what I'm going for," you say. "Look, you get it, right? I didn't kiss you because I'm lovey-dovey romantic over you."
"Yeah, I get it, I'm not a complete fucking moron," Dave snaps.
The ability to get a rise out of this guy makes your blood pusher pound with excitement. And the banter is even better. "Oh, I wasn't aware you had more than one brain cell, Strider. My mistake."
"Jesus," Dave snorts, "just fucking kiss me again, asshole."
You are not about to argue with that.
==>DAVE: BE NERVOUS
Okay, we've been over this, you're Dave Motherfucking Strider and you've never been nervous in your life!
Well, you've never been a troll hate-snogging someone who looks almost exactly like you, but a little shorter and not wearing sunglasses.
It's not the hate-snogging, though, that makes you nervous; it's the fact that you still don't know how troll dicks work, because while the familiar heat is there, the familiar boner is not, and you're really not sure what's going on down there.
Basically, you don't want Karkat to do anything beyond this until you figure out what you look like naked.
But then you can feel his hand over whatever that is and you just want more of it and oh god stop this thinking right away Strider. You're not thinking clearly and you're well aware of this.
You're half-kissing, half-biting, pushing and pulling, taking little gasps of air to keep the kissing going on longer, and then during an air break you turn your head and push Karkat away as hard as you can.
"Fuck," you breathe. "What the hell? I've been an alien all of a half hour and already you want to get into my pants?"
Karkat stumbles back, face reddening. "No, not necessarily, it's just the natural order of things. Instinct, okay?"
"Yeah, well, I get the whole instinct bit," you say. "But I don't have a fucking clue how to do this."
Karkat shrugs. "If you wanted to, I could show you, and then we wouldn't have to stop." There's a hunger in his eyes that's both scary and sexy at the same time, and while you really want to go up and kiss him again, you can't do anything stupid. John already warned you about that.
You adjust your sunglasses, knocked turnways by all the sloppy makeouts. "Okay, let me make this real simple for you, Vantas." You step closer to him, forcing him to look at you. "I am going to my room. I am going to jerk off in my bathroom. I am going to figure out how to work my shiny new alien dick. And then when I am good and ready, I will come back, and we can hatefuck to our heart's content."
"Fucking fabulous," Karkat snaps, but you can see the sadistic delight in his eyes. "I'll be waiting with bated breath, Strider."
"You know it," you reply, smooth as ever, and with that you're getting the fuck out of there.
You're pretty sure Karkat is heading to his bathroom, too.