Chapter 1: Season One
1x01: Welcome to the Hellmouth
The two Summers women arrive
In a new town to start their new lives
Ones with no expulsions
And no gym explosions
(Let’s just hope that Buffy survives)
1x02: The Harvest
The Master sent one of his pawns
To feast on the kids at the Bronze
Though he fought for his dinner
Buffy still was the winner
So don’t underestimate blondes
Willow Rosenberg was very vexed
To find her friend Amy’d been hexed
“I don’t trust these witches!
With their spells and, and their switches!”
Oops – wait ‘til she sees what comes next.
1x04: Teacher’s Pet
Young Xander fell under the spell
Of a beautiful insect from hell
She’d take virgins to bed
And she’d bite off their head –
The first demon for whom Xander fell
1x05: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
There once was a boy from suburbia
Who liked anything that’d disturb ya
And, even stranger,
He was turned on by danger
So Buffy kicked him to the curb-ia
1x06: The Pack
When they ate Herbert, Flutie said, “I’ll suspend you!”
Never knowing he was next on the menu.
Their cackling was hellish
As they ate him with relish –
That’s where liberal thinking will end you.
Buffy found Angel quite charming
Though he brooded, his smile was disarming
While at first she’d dismissed him
She was ready to kiss him
…But frenching with fangs is alarming
1x08: I, Robot…You, Jane
Willow was surfing the net
When she and her true love first met
But things get extreme when
You’re dating a demon
And everyone winds up upset
1x09: The Puppet Show
Into a puppet was hexed
A man who thought only of sex
He saved Giles’ head
But the crowd wished that instead
He had saved them from Oedipus Rex
Hank to his daughter, it seemed,
Was being unspeakably mean
He acted pathetic,
Which proved quite prophetic,
But for now it was only a dream
1x11: Out of Mind, Out of Sight
Ignored by most of all of her grade
Marcy found she had started to fade
Since none heard her voice
She soon made the choice
To make herself heard with a blade
1x12: Prophecy Girl
The strongest vampire by far
Saw his fate written out in the stars
The Slayer would drown
And he’d rule this town –
But he’d never seen CPR
Don’t forget that Cordelia was there!
(Though she mostly just talked of her hair.)
By the end of the season
She’d begun to see reason
But she’d never let on that she cared.
Chapter 2: Season Two
2x01: When She Was Bad
Buffy was purposefully bating
Angel, who’d thought they’d been dating
Despite that romance,
She took Xander to dance,
Though really it looked more like mating
2x02: Some Assembly Required
There once was a zombie ball player
Who stitched three girls to one so he could lay her
But since they were brain dead
He’d need Cordy’s head –
Lucky she had befriended the Slayer
2x03: School Hard
Buffy was facing her fear
That her mom would meet Snyder and hear
About her behavior –
Who’d think that her savior
Would be a vamp with blond hair and a sneer?
2x04: Inca Mummy Girl
Xander’s rough luck continues apace
As it seems that he’s doomed to suck face
With every bad creature
This program will feature
(Yes, even – someday – Cordy Chase)
2x05: Reptile Boy
Cordy got Buffy caught in her wiles
Involving frat boys with beautiful smiles
Who seemed cool and adult
But were really a cult
Which is why YOU JUST DON’T LIE TO GILES
Though this might be a point of contention
I believe that I really must mention
That the wildest Halloween
That Sunnydale’s seen
Was all to get Giles’ attention
( /end Ethan/Giles ‘shipping )
2x07: Lie to Me
Yes, before Twilight was written
Some idiot kids still were smitten
With those Lonely Ones
That burn up in the sun
And longed for the day they’d be bitten
2x08: The Dark Age
We all were astonished to see
That though he wears tweed and drinks tea
Giles’ youthful malfeasance
Involved drugs, sex, and demons
Will Jenny forgive him? Could be!
2x09: What’s My Line, Part 1
It was Kendra’s first course of action
When she saw Buffy and Angel’s attraction
To make him combust
Into a pile of dust
Which most thought was an overreaction
2x10: What’s My Line, Part 2
While Angel’s plight causes Buffy distress
And Xander and Cordy caress
What gets our hearts beating
Is Oz and Willow’s first meeting
They’re our favorite ‘ship, we confess
There once was a likable bloke
He baked, always smiled, didn’t smoke
But the Slayer would not
Let her mom date a robot
And something inside him just broke
2x12: Bad Eggs
Some bad eggs were passed out in class
And were kind of a pain in the ass
But one egg was foiled
‘Cause it wound up hard-boiled
(Which also means Xander won’t pass)
Buffy and Angel’d been taking it slow
‘Til the day Angel said he must go
They gave into the longing
That they’d been prolonging
But a curse sure can kill afterglow
One moment of pleasure did sever
Angelus from his soul forever
And so goodness he shunned
And he thought it’d be fun
To give Buffy the worst birthday ever
Puberty brings lots of change
It’s annoying and sometimes it’s strange
Kids get zits on their faces
And hair in weird places
And, in Oz’s case, possibly mange
2x16: Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered
I think that if I had the choice
To forget this one scene, I’d rejoice
For how to un-see
What was just shown to me?
Young Xander being hit on by Joyce!
2x17: Passion (or, The Punchline to This Episode Is a Dead Body)
When writing a comical ditty
You try to be clever and witty
But the big joke in “Passion”
By Angelus was fashioned
And the punch line – well, it isn’t pretty
2x18: Killed By Death
Our Slayer’s laid up with the flu
But still fights a fiend (as you do)
One, that she finds out
Sucked her young cousin’s life out
Yep, even her childhood blew
2x19: I Only Have Eyes for You
A boy from around 1950
Was cruel and a little bit shifty
He shot his love dead
And himself in the head
To a tune that was from…1960?
2x20: Go Fish
This episode’s really quite odd
(Buffy gets groped by a cod)
But its saving grace
Is Cordelia’s face
When she first gets a sight of Xan’s bod
2x21: Becoming, Part 1
There are too many bad things to list,
So I’ll just have to give you the gist
Of what’s in store for you
In “Becoming, Part 2”:
Kendra’s dead, Willow’s hurt, Xander’s pissed
2x22: Becoming, Part 2 (or, Four Attempts to Do Exposition in a Limerick)
While Willow is doing some souling
And Xander is acting controlling
Spike proves a strange friend
In helping our Buffy end
Angel’s bid to get the ‘pocalypse rolling
Willow does her first functional spell
Xander says to send Angel to hell
Angel’s stabbed by a sword
Just as his soul’s restored
And Buffy gives him one last kiss farewell
When Spike’s crowbar’s a swing and a miss
And Xander does nothing but dis
And Willow’s still trying
To keep him from dying
In the end Angel’s killed with a kiss
Spike and Buffy make rather strange allies,
“Willow says kick his ass,” Xander lies,
Angel’s soul is restored
Just as Buffy’s sword
Runs him through, and she says, “Close your eyes.”
Chapter 3: Season Three
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There’s a waitress who calls herself Anne
Who serves you your French toast and bran
Her pie’s not the best
But when put to the test
She’ll do more than most waitresses can
3x02: Dead Man’s Party
Buffy struggled to make restitution
Then came up with the perfect solution
That’s the key to conflict resolution!”
3x03: Faith, Hope, and Trick
There once was a slayer so tough,
She'd fight off the vamps in the buff
Her verve and her candor
Soon won over Xander
But Buffy had had quite enough
3x04: Beauty and the Beasts
When three girls are racing to show
That the murderer isn’t their beau
That maybe might mean
That the Sunnydale scene
Is – romance-wise – only so-so
The fight to be homecoming queen
Made all the girls catty and mean
So Trick’s Slayer Fest
Was really no test
For the wrath of a crown-hungry teen
3x06: Band Candy
If you go through the archives you’ll note
That my sis and I already wrote
A veritable psalm
‘Bout Giles banging Buff’s mom
(Though we’re clearly reluctant to gloat)
Their secretest, wrongest desires
Have made half the characters liars –
Buff and Angel keep meeting,
Will and Xander are cheating,
And Miss Post with the dark arts conspires.
3x08: Lover’s Walk
Cordelia and Oz really flipped
When they saw both their sweethearts lock-lipped
And Angel pretends
He and Buff are just friends—
At least Spike can admit when he’s whipped.
3x09: The Wish
It happened that one fateful day,
Cordelia wished Buffy away.
Though this AU was hell,
Giles at last broke the spell
And now Anya is stuck here to stay.
Well, Angel was feeling contrite
So he struggled to set things aright
But Giles was proving
Quite cold and unmoving
Maybe Angel should try Barry White?
There once was a fellow called Liam
Whose mustaches belonged in a museum
So lustrous and dark
That his prey would remark
"It was worth getting bit just to see 'em"
The mothers of Sunnydale knew
To fight back was the right thing to do
To ease their concern
The bad girls must burn
So they formed the society M.O.O.
Though it’s Buffy who’s being assessed
Giles also is facing a test
And when push comes to shove
His fatherly love
Leaves the councilmen less than impressed
3x13: The Zeppo
The worst (well, the new) Armageddon
Caused all of Xan’s friends to forget ‘im
And, so, with a pang
He joined up with a gang
But would not buy the farm to get in
3x14: Bad Girls
She wanted, she took, and she had
She killed someone, then she turned bad
And, sad though it was,
It was worth it because
The Mayor will sure make a swell dad
Poor Xander had rather expected
(After how they had, you know, connected)
That Faith would be spilling
All her angst about killing
To a guy whom she surely respected
There once was a vampire called Will
Whose joy was to torture and kill
This warm, fluffy ‘verse
To her seemed perverse –
Though her lickable twin was a thrill
Angel acts like Angelus is back
To discover Faith’s plan of attack
And, just for some fun,
Before he is done
He gives Xander a long-coming thwack!
In this, Buffy somehow began
To hear things that nobody can
She heard, for example,
That Xand’s sex drive was ample
And that Wesley’s a naughty old man
While Buffy feels trapped by her calling
And Xander’s career’s kind of stalling
Will looks to her future
And find Sunnydale suits her
‘Cause she is a witch and she’s balling
Although cheesy music is playing
And Angel says he won’t be staying
The prom ends okay
When the students all say
A big thank you to Buffy for slaying
3x21: Graduation Day, Part One
With the Mayor about to ascend,
Buff continues an unhappy trend –
To throw off his game
And to save her old flame
She must stab yet another close friend
3x22: Graduation Day, Part Two
The Scoobies are terribly glad
To be rid of another Big Bad
But they’d still have to say
The best part of the day
Is they’re finally Sunnydale grads
Chapter 4: Season Four
4x01: The Freshman
The stress as she starts freshman year
Makes Buffy unsure why she's here
Her friends all seem happy
But her week's been so crappy
She’s afraid she might just disappear
4x02: Living Conditions
Buffy thought her roommate was a fright,
Will agreed, "She's a little uptight.
So she has OCD,
But how bad can she be?"
Well it looks like the Slayer was right
4x03: The Harsh Light of Day
Being a dick is all part of Spike's cool
And Xand's too confused to be cruel--
But no reason we've found
Can excuse Buff's rebound
For being a gigantic tool
4x04: Fear, Itself
Though the fear demon seems nigh volcanic
(So much that you might start to panic)
You may be surprised
That its actual size--
Well, it isn't exactly titanic
4x05: Beer Bad
There once was a magical brew.
One sip, and the slayer was slew.
Though she guzzled it down
She'd concede with a frown,
"It might kill a brain cell or two."
4x06: Wild at Heart
When the werewolf inside is the cause
Of a night full of passion and claws
Oz breaks Willow's heart
And decides to depart
For some hardcore alone time with Oz
4x07: The Initiative
When smashing a douchebag's nose in
Or flashing that "Aw, shucks, ma'am" grin--
No, we don't like his plot
And "peculiar" he's not
But we maybe don't hate Riley Finn
This Thanksgiving day turns ridiculous
When Xander shows up with the sniffle-us
And, lo and behold,
What they'd thought a cold
Was really a mean case of syphilis
4x09: Something Blue
Seeing Buffy and Spike intertwined
Makes Giles oh so glad to go blind.
It’ll take more than baking
For their horrid love-making
To be thoroughly stripped from his mind.
When Buffy awoke one bright day
And found her voice had gone aw--
While the Scoobs are all stuck in the past,
It's the present that has Spike downcast:
It's driving him dotty
To be "kind of naughty"
'Til he learns he can still kick some ass
4x12: A New Man
When Giles and his ex reconnect
Ethan's charms have a strange side effect:
They drink and go home
But Giles wakes up alone
Much 'hornier' than he'd expect
4x13: The I in Team
Oh, she'd kill a girl in a sewer,
To ensure that her plane would endure.
She is oh so genius
This new, new Prometheus,
Who'd guess that she'd end up a-skewer?
4x14: Goodbye, Iowa
Though Walsh isn't really his mother
She raised him more than any other
And Adam can see
That this odd family tree
Makes him kind of like Riley's new brother
4x15: This year's Girl
When Faith wakes one day from her coma
To a bright light and sickly aroma
She's got a big hole
In her chest and her soul
While Buff's got a freaking diploma
4x16: Who Are You?
Faith wishes her old bod, "So long!"
Feeling perky and flaxen and strong.
She'll have some fun
Give B's boy a test run,
But she shouldn't do that--it is wrong.
Let's admit that we all owe a debt
To that talented, handsome brunet
None but Jonathon,
The 'Dale's fav'rite don,
Could have brought us the gift of the 'net
4x18: Where the Wild Things Are
I thought that I'd heard in Sex Ed
Each danger of going to bed
But I learn in this ep
I knew each one except
That intercourse brings back the dead
4x19: New Moon Rising
If, like Oz, I'd been to Nepal
To learn to resist the moon's thrall
My hard-won control
Would go down the hole
Trying to watch this ep and not bawl
4x20: The Yoko Factor
'Twixt Buff and her best-friends-for-life
Spike plants the beginnings of strife
And by the plot's end
Between these four friends
Is a tension you'd cut with a knife
For once Xan came up with the plan: "This
Time we'll take adam--it can't miss--
With all Giles's smart,
Will's skill, and my heart,
And Buff to show him who the manus."
The gang thinks that they've got all night
To sleep off one hell of a fight
But while they catch some Z's
They dream about cheese
And the first slayer gives them a fright
5x01: Buffy vs. Dracula
This ep sees our favorite flunky
Entranced by the Dark Prince of Hunky.
But freed from Drac's thrall,
Xand cries once and for all
That he's done being the freaking butt monkey.
5x02: Real Me
Though for now only lunatics see,
We all soon will know Dawn's "real me:"
The girl with the diary
Was made in a friary
And her role in the show is, well... key.
5X03: The Replacement
When Xander gets somehow divided
We hastily end up decided
That the twin who acts slow
Is the Xander we know
But it turns out he's not so one-sided
5X04: Out of My Mind
Riley's system is all out of whack
And we're sure sad 'bout that heart attack
But it's hard to recall
His problems at all
Seeing Spike and Buff get on their mack
5X05: No Place Like Home
In this episode, chock-full of plot,
We at last see what this season's got:
Dawn's not real, Joyce is sick,
Glory's mean, monks do tricks,
Folks go mad, there's a key, Buff's distraught.
To the truth Tara finally awoke:
She'd been lied to and wronged by her folks.
She was not cursed at birth
And her friends see her worth,
Even if they don't quite get her jokes.
5X07: Fool for Love
Spike has slain many Slayers, it's true,
But deep down what he is, through and through,
Is a big fool for love
Who's just terrified of
Seeing Buff tear his dead heart in two.
Pain fills Joyce's head to the brim
And things with this Glory seem grim
But, no, Riley's right-
At the end of the night,
This crisis is all about him.
5X09: Listening to Fear
A demon who smells bad as hell
Stalks Joyce when her brain isn't well.
It came from the moon
To quell all the loons,
But it sure picked the wrong mom to quell.
5X10: Into the Woods
Riley let his bad feelings accumulate.
He silently moped 'til it was too late.
Well, Riley, baby,
Have you thought that maybe
That's why YOU SHOULD @#$%ING COMMUNICATE?
Although you need love to be whole,
Relationships can take their toll.
Sometimes your best pal
Just can't stand your gal
And sometimes you wind up a troll.
Quentin's men, at this critical hour,
Descend from their ivory tower
To proffer a hand
To the watcher they canned,
'Til the Scoobs realize they have the power
5X13: Blood Ties
Dawn's sister and mom always scold
When she whines and won't do as she's told.
But cut her some slack:
How mature can she act
When she's secretly just six months old?
Every suitor who Buffy dismissed
Can find consolation in this:
Tend bar or suck blood,
You'll still be a stud
To her fourteen-year-old little sis
5X15: I Was Made to Love You
Warren built the girlfriend that he craved-
She was docile and hot, well-behaved-
But he found the robotic
Less than erotic
So from now on it's human sex slaves
5X16: The Body
In this world of demons and lore
The real stuff is often ignored
So when no ghoul or spell
Can be blamed for this hell
The tragedy hurts all the more.
Dawn took Joyce's death pretty rough
And asked Will for some Dark Arts-y stuff.
"Dawnie," she said,
"We don't bring back the dead.
(Well, except when the dead one is Buff...)"
When Buffy goes off on a quest,
Spike's devotion is put to the test.
His love proves steadfast,
But the Scoobs can't get past
The more sexbot-y proof he's obsessed.
5X19: Tough Love
Glory breaks Tara's hand with a crunch
Then sucks out her brains for her lunch
But though she's left senseless,
Confused, lost, defenseless,
Her girlfriend still packs quite the punch.
We've all had a road trip gone wrong,
Where the radio plays one damn song,
Or you live for three days
On warm cola and Lay's...
Or you crash, and some god kidnaps Dawn.
5X21: The Weight of the World
It's goodbye to the sword-wielding men,
Then back into the trenches again-
Buff's gone catatonic,
Joel Grey is demonic,
And - WAIT A SEC, GLORY IS BEN!?
5X22: The Gift
With all other recourses gone
And knowing she has to save Dawn,
Buff faces her death
And, with her last breath,
Says, "Dawnie, I love you, live on."
6X01: Bargaining (Part 1)
Three months after Buffy's big fall
Her friends' grieving process is stalled
But some blood, flame, and snakes
Are all that it takes
Not to have to find closure at all.
6X02: Bargaining (Part 2)
When Buffy is finally exhumed
And crawls her way free from her tomb
Her friends may rejoice,
But when Buff finds her voice
Her outlook's much more 'doom and gloom.'
6X03: After Life
Though Buff's resurrection went well,
With magic, you never can tell.
Sometimes (for instance)
A demon's existence
Is all thanks to your stupid damn spell.
The Scoobies are not overjoyed
That of income they're rather devoid.
Still, to say "get a job!"
Makes Buff sound like a slob,
When, really, she's fully employed.
6X05: Life Serial
A trio of geeks get their thrills
In tormenting Buff with their skills.
A gadget, a spell,
Some demons from hell-
Still none's worse than homework or bills.
6X06: All the Way
Though on Halloween night, people say,
There's nothing for Slayers to slay
Some vamps break that rule,
Which Dawn finds super cool,
But she still doesn't go "all the way."
6X07: Once More with Feeling
On this episode we bestow
Some twelve extra verses or so
So please sing along
As we recap each song.
And now, readers - on with the show!
Going Through the Motions
Buffy hasn't been feeling so hot
(Having recently died and whatnot)
She just walks through the part
Staking heart after heart
Each fight like the last one she fought.
I've Got a Theory
When something is going amiss
The popular theory is this:
Whether bunnies or witches
No terrible sitch is
Too much for the Scoobies to fix.
They Got the Mustard Out
I celebrate that
They got the mustard out with
Under Your Spell
The girls twirl through fields all a-glow
To the prettiest tune in the show
But the bits about trees
And the swell of the seas
Is just magical talk for... you know.
Tap Dance of Death
Why am I dancing?
Oh God, why am I dancing?
Now I am on fire.
I'll Never Tell
Everybody has their second thoughts
'Bout finally tying the knot
Whether money or age,
It's best to assuage
Those fears before things get too fraught.
The Parking Ticket
I don't want to pay
This stupid parking ticket.
It's not fair at all.
Rest in Peace
Spike's not feeling very amused
As his feelings for Buff are abused.
She comes 'round talking tough
And then leaves in a huff
And Spike's left alone and confused.
There once was a too-full-of-woe miss
Whose solitaire part in the show's this:
She asks of the air,
"Does anyone care?
And, moreover, does anyone notice?"
What You Feel
If you feel like you can't stop the beat,
You can probably thank Mr. Sweet.
You'll twist and you'll shout
And sing your heart out
And just hope you can handle the heat
Ever since Buff's return from the dead
She's followed where Giles has led
He's picked up her slack
But it's holding her back
And it's now time that she led instead
Under Your Spell/Standing (Reprise)
When Will violates Tara's mind
And Buff's motivation's declined
Giles and Tara must go
Though they love their girls so
And it grieves them to leave them behind
Walk Through the Fire
Buff is summoned to save Dawn (again)
And is sent out alone by her friends
But the Scoobs don't take long
To come join in her song
And they all face the fire in the end
Something to Sing About
As she spun and she twirled, Buffy trilled,
"You wonder why I'm not fulfilled?
I found perfect bliss,
Now I'm stuck with THIS.
So, excuse me if I don't seem thrilled."
What You Feel (Reprise)
Though the Scoobs burn with each 'tra la la'
Sweet's victory has one small flaw:
He'd be too embarrassed
By Queen Xander Harris
So he leaves and they call it a draw
Where do We Go From Here?
After more or less winning the fight
The Scoobs wish they felt more alright
The Big Bad's dispersed
But they've never felt worse
And they all leave alone in the night
Buffy ditches her friends and her sis
Thinking - as Spike had said - "bugger this."
She knows it's not real
But she just wants to feel
And the curtain goes down on a kiss
6X08: Tabula Rasa
In Lethe's Bramble: Episode II,
How's this for some more deja vu?
Will's ways make her say
She thinks that she's gay,
And there's a Giles who's "horny" here too.
While Willow's off messing around
And the Trio wreaks havoc in town,
Buff can't seem to care
When her torrid affair
Is so hot it brings homes to the ground.
Will's ongoing magical bender
Hurts more than a stolen car's fender.
About Dawn's broken wrist
And not even Buff will defend her.
There are some complications inherent
To being both a slayer and a parent.
But duties be damned!
There are pranks to be planned!
'Cause rules aren't for the transparent.
6X12: Doublemeat Palace
The Doublemeat's greasy cuisine
Seems to hide secrets dark and obscene
But the plot thickens
When we find the chicken's
Not people - it's just soy and greens
6X13: Dead Things
As we've hinted in previous verses,
Warren's douchery worsens and worsens.
Denied mind control sex,
He murders his ex,
And then tries to frame Buffy with curses.
6X14: Older and Far Away
Dawn, I know you've been under some stress,
But, frankly, your life is a mess.
You steal all your stuff
(Even presents for Buff)
And you summoned a demon, no less.
6X15: As You Were
When Riley comes back on the scene
(A little less wholesome an clean)
He's got a new girl,
But still thinks he might hurl
Seeing Buff with Hostile 17.
6X16: Hell's Bells
On that magical marital day
When they'll promise to love (not obey)
Our Xan won't canoodle
With his dear sex poodle
'Cause the bastard just plain ran away.
6X17: Normal Again
After demons, it's easy to feel
Being crazy's not that bad a deal
So when offered this out
Buffy does start to doubt
That this Sunnydale hell could be real
"First Anya, now Buff, with that dick?"
Cried Xander (who looked rather sick)
"Who'd think that Spike
Would be the town bike?"
Guess Xan hasn't read any fic.
6X19: Seeing Red
When fighting has brought on a chill
Over Buff, Xander, Tara, and Will
Their wounds start to mend
By the episode's end
'Til Warren comes in for the kill
Her friends think that justice will win,
But can Warren pay for his sin?
His gun tore apart
Willow's still-beating heart
And all Willow took was his skin.
6X21: Two to Go
When they're trying to stop Will's attack
Weighed down by two nerds who do jack
Things start to look rough
For both Anya and Buff
They're just lucky that Giles has their back.
A girl full of rage vows to send
The world to a fiery end
She goes down that path
Fueled by sorrow and wrath
'Til she's saved by the love of a friend