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Buffy the Vampire Slayer: An Episode Guide in Limerick Form

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Chapter Text

1x01: Welcome to the Hellmouth

The two Summers women arrive
In a new town to start their new lives
Ones with no expulsions
And no gym explosions
(Let’s just hope that Buffy survives)

 

1x02: The Harvest

The Master sent one of his pawns
To feast on the kids at the Bronze
Though he fought for his dinner
Buffy still was the winner
So don’t underestimate blondes

 

1x03: Witch

Willow Rosenberg was very vexed
To find her friend Amy’d been hexed
“I don’t trust these witches!
With their spells and, and their switches!”
Oops – wait ‘til she sees what comes next.

 

1x04: Teacher’s Pet

Young Xander fell under the spell
Of a beautiful insect from hell
She’d take virgins to bed
And she’d bite off their head –
The first demon for whom Xander fell

 

1x05: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date

There once was a boy from suburbia
Who liked anything that’d disturb ya
And, even stranger,
He was turned on by danger
So Buffy kicked him to the curb-ia

 

1x06: The Pack

When they ate Herbert, Flutie said, “I’ll suspend you!”
Never knowing he was next on the menu.
Their cackling was hellish
As they ate him with relish –
That’s where liberal thinking will end you.

 

1x07: Angel

Buffy found Angel quite charming
Though he brooded, his smile was disarming
While at first she’d dismissed him
She was ready to kiss him
…But frenching with fangs is alarming

 

1x08: I, Robot…You, Jane

Willow was surfing the net
When she and her true love first met
But things get extreme when
You’re dating a demon
And everyone winds up upset

 

1x09: The Puppet Show

Into a puppet was hexed
A man who thought only of sex
He saved Giles’ head
But the crowd wished that instead
He had saved them from Oedipus Rex

 

1x10: Nightmares

Hank to his daughter, it seemed,
Was being unspeakably mean
He acted pathetic,
Which proved quite prophetic,
But for now it was only a dream

 

1x11: Out of Mind, Out of Sight

Ignored by most of all of her grade
Marcy found she had started to fade
Since none heard her voice
She soon made the choice
To make herself heard with a blade

 

1x12: Prophecy Girl

The strongest vampire by far
Saw his fate written out in the stars
The Slayer would drown
And he’d rule this town –
But he’d never seen CPR

 

Cordelia’s Epilogue

Don’t forget that Cordelia was there!
(Though she mostly just talked of her hair.)
By the end of the season
She’d begun to see reason
But she’d never let on that she cared.

Chapter Text

2x01: When She Was Bad

Buffy was purposefully bating
Angel, who’d thought they’d been dating
Despite that romance,
She took Xander to dance,
Though really it looked more like mating

 

2x02: Some Assembly Required

There once was a zombie ball player
Who stitched three girls to one so he could lay her
But since they were brain dead
He’d need Cordy’s head –
Lucky she had befriended the Slayer

 

2x03: School Hard

Buffy was facing her fear
That her mom would meet Snyder and hear
About her behavior –
Who’d think that her savior
Would be a vamp with blond hair and a sneer?

 

2x04: Inca Mummy Girl

Xander’s rough luck continues apace
As it seems that he’s doomed to suck face
With every bad creature
This program will feature
(Yes, even – someday – Cordy Chase)

 

2x05: Reptile Boy

Cordy got Buffy caught in her wiles
Involving frat boys with beautiful smiles
Who seemed cool and adult
But were really a cult
Which is why YOU JUST DON’T LIE TO GILES

 

2x06: Halloween

Though this might be a point of contention
I believe that I really must mention
That the wildest Halloween
That Sunnydale’s seen
Was all to get Giles’ attention

( /end Ethan/Giles ‘shipping )

 

2x07: Lie to Me

Yes, before Twilight was written
Some idiot kids still were smitten
With those Lonely Ones
That burn up in the sun
And longed for the day they’d be bitten

 

2x08: The Dark Age

We all were astonished to see
That though he wears tweed and drinks tea
Giles’ youthful malfeasance
Involved drugs, sex, and demons
Will Jenny forgive him? Could be!

 

2x09: What’s My Line, Part 1

It was Kendra’s first course of action
When she saw Buffy and Angel’s attraction
To make him combust
Into a pile of dust
Which most thought was an overreaction

 

2x10: What’s My Line, Part 2

While Angel’s plight causes Buffy distress
And Xander and Cordy caress
What gets our hearts beating
Is Oz and Willow’s first meeting
They’re our favorite ‘ship, we confess

 

2x11: Ted

There once was a likable bloke
He baked, always smiled, didn’t smoke
But the Slayer would not
Let her mom date a robot
And something inside him just broke

 

2x12: Bad Eggs

Some bad eggs were passed out in class
And were kind of a pain in the ass
But one egg was foiled
‘Cause it wound up hard-boiled
(Which also means Xander won’t pass)

 

2x13: Surprise

Buffy and Angel’d been taking it slow
‘Til the day Angel said he must go
They gave into the longing
That they’d been prolonging
But a curse sure can kill afterglow

 

2x14: Innocence

One moment of pleasure did sever
Angelus from his soul forever
And so goodness he shunned
And he thought it’d be fun
To give Buffy the worst birthday ever

 

2x15: Phases

Puberty brings lots of change
It’s annoying and sometimes it’s strange
Kids get zits on their faces
And hair in weird places
And, in Oz’s case, possibly mange

 

2x16: Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

I think that if I had the choice
To forget this one scene, I’d rejoice
For how to un-see
What was just shown to me?
Young Xander being hit on by Joyce!

 

2x17: Passion (or, The Punchline to This Episode Is a Dead Body)

When writing a comical ditty
You try to be clever and witty
But the big joke in “Passion”
By Angelus was fashioned
And the punch line – well, it isn’t pretty

 

2x18: Killed By Death

Our Slayer’s laid up with the flu
But still fights a fiend (as you do)
One, that she finds out
Sucked her young cousin’s life out
Yep, even her childhood blew

 

2x19: I Only Have Eyes for You

A boy from around 1950
Was cruel and a little bit shifty
He shot his love dead
And himself in the head
To a tune that was from…1960?

 

2x20: Go Fish

This episode’s really quite odd
(Buffy gets groped by a cod)
But its saving grace
Is Cordelia’s face
When she first gets a sight of Xan’s bod

 

2x21: Becoming, Part 1

There are too many bad things to list,
So I’ll just have to give you the gist
Of what’s in store for you
In “Becoming, Part 2”:
Kendra’s dead, Willow’s hurt, Xander’s pissed

 

2x22: Becoming, Part 2 (or, Four Attempts to Do Exposition in a Limerick)

Take one
While Willow is doing some souling
And Xander is acting controlling
Spike proves a strange friend
In helping our Buffy end
Angel’s bid to get the ‘pocalypse rolling

Take two
Willow does her first functional spell
Xander says to send Angel to hell
Angel’s stabbed by a sword
Just as his soul’s restored
And Buffy gives him one last kiss farewell

Take three
When Spike’s crowbar’s a swing and a miss
And Xander does nothing but dis
And Willow’s still trying
To keep him from dying
In the end Angel’s killed with a kiss

AND SCENE
Spike and Buffy make rather strange allies,
“Willow says kick his ass,” Xander lies,
Angel’s soul is restored
Just as Buffy’s sword
Runs him through, and she says, “Close your eyes.”

Chapter Text

3x01: Anne

There’s a waitress who calls herself Anne
Who serves you your French toast and bran
Her pie’s not the best
But when put to the test
She’ll do more than most waitresses can

 

3x02: Dead Man’s Party

Buffy struggled to make restitution
Then came up with the perfect solution
“It’s defenestration
Not communication
That’s the key to conflict resolution!”

 

3x03: Faith, Hope, and Trick

There once was a slayer so tough,
She'd fight off the vamps in the buff
Her verve and her candor 
Soon won over Xander
But Buffy had had quite enough

 

3x04: Beauty and the Beasts

When three girls are racing to show
That the murderer isn’t their beau
That maybe might mean
That the Sunnydale scene
Is – romance-wise – only so-so

 

3x05: Homecoming

The fight to be homecoming queen
Made all the girls catty and mean
So Trick’s Slayer Fest
Was really no test
For the wrath of a crown-hungry teen

 

3x06: Band Candy

If you go through the archives you’ll note
That my sis and I already wrote
A veritable psalm
‘Bout Giles banging Buff’s mom
(Though we’re clearly reluctant to gloat)

 

3x07: Revelations

Their secretest, wrongest desires
Have made half the characters liars –
Buff and Angel keep meeting,
Will and Xander are cheating,
And Miss Post with the dark arts conspires.

 

3x08: Lover’s Walk

Cordelia and Oz really flipped
When they saw both their sweethearts lock-lipped
And Angel pretends
He and Buff are just friends—
At least Spike can admit when he’s whipped.

 

3x09: The Wish

It happened that one fateful day,
Cordelia wished Buffy away.
Though this AU was hell,
Giles at last broke the spell
And now Anya is stuck here to stay.

 

3x10: Amends

Well, Angel was feeling contrite
So he struggled to set things aright
But Giles was proving
Quite cold and unmoving
Maybe Angel should try Barry White?

~*~BONUS~*~
There once was a fellow called Liam
Whose mustaches belonged in a museum
So lustrous and dark
That his prey would remark
"It was worth getting bit just to see 'em"

 

3x11: Gingerbread

The mothers of Sunnydale knew
To fight back was the right thing to do
To ease their concern
The bad girls must burn
So they formed the society M.O.O.

 

3x12: Helpless

Though it’s Buffy who’s being assessed
Giles also is facing a test
And when push comes to shove
His fatherly love
Leaves the councilmen less than impressed

 

3x13: The Zeppo

The worst (well, the new) Armageddon
Caused all of Xan’s friends to forget ‘im
And, so, with a pang
He joined up with a gang
But would not buy the farm to get in

 

3x14: Bad Girls

She wanted, she took, and she had
She killed someone, then she turned bad
And, sad though it was,
It was worth it because
The Mayor will sure make a swell dad

 

3x15: Consequences

Poor Xander had rather expected
(After how they had, you know, connected)
That Faith would be spilling
All her angst about killing
To a guy whom she surely respected

 

3x16: Doppelgangland

There once was a vampire called Will
Whose joy was to torture and kill
This warm, fluffy ‘verse
To her seemed perverse –
Though her lickable twin was a thrill

 

3x17: Enemies

Angel acts like Angelus is back
To discover Faith’s plan of attack
And, just for some fun,
Before he is done
He gives Xander a long-coming thwack!

 

3x18: Earshot

In this, Buffy somehow began
To hear things that nobody can
She heard, for example,
That Xand’s sex drive was ample
And that Wesley’s a naughty old man

 

3x19: Choices

While Buffy feels trapped by her calling
And Xander’s career’s kind of stalling
Will looks to her future
And find Sunnydale suits her
‘Cause she is a witch and she’s balling

 

3x20: Prom

Although cheesy music is playing
And Angel says he won’t be staying
The prom ends okay
When the students all say
A big thank you to Buffy for slaying

 

3x21: Graduation Day, Part One

With the Mayor about to ascend,
Buff continues an unhappy trend –
To throw off his game
And to save her old flame
She must stab yet another close friend

 

3x22: Graduation Day, Part Two

The Scoobies are terribly glad
To be rid of another Big Bad
But they’d still have to say
The best part of the day
Is they’re finally Sunnydale grads