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Sleepover

Chapter Text

THE OFFICE
“SLEEPOVER”

Takes place in between 5x07 “Business Trip” and 5x08 “Frame Toby”

COLD OPEN

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
PAM is at her desk. She takes a dish out of her purse and then pours some jellybeans in it.

PAM (voiceover)
Yes, I am back in Scranton.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM (cont’d.)
It’s kinda nice. I mean, New York was great, and everything. I definitely wouldn’t trade the experience. But finding out that you’re failing? Not the best feeling. I dunno, I’m just glad to be back in my element for a little while. I’m not giving up art, or anything. I’m still going to keep up with it in my spare time. But work-wise, I’m glad to be back. I feel like getting back to what I know. And there’s not much to fail at here.

INT. OFFICE – COPY MACHINE
PAM is pressing the buttons on the machine with renewed enthusiasm. She throws a little smile over at the camera.

PAM (voiceover)
I can Xerox with the best of ‘em.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION DESK
Pam is sitting at her desk, picking up the phone.

PAM (voiceover)
Phone answering: A+.

PAM
(a little brighter than usual)
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

PAM (voiceover)
In fact, I think I’m even starting to master changing the water jug.

INT. OFFICE – WATER COOLER

Pam is lugging the new water jug out, preparing to set it up. Andy rushes over, wanting to help.

PAM
No, no, I got it.

We see a few clips of slight struggle, Andy making nervous faces and hovering in the background prepared to jump in at any moment, before she triumphantly gets the water jug on there. She grins at the camera.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
If you need to ‘ooh, ahh’ a little, that’s okay. I won’t judge you.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
PAM is at her desk. OSCAR is standing on the other side of it. He’s got a book in his hand, and they’re talking about it.

OSCAR
… and the whole time I was reading it, I was thinking, ‘Pam would love this.’

PAM
(taking the book from him)
That’s awesome, Oscar, thank you. I haven’t had time to just sit and read in so long…

KEVIN comes over. He takes a handful of jellybeans, pops a few into his mouth, and—

KEVIN
Blechhh!

Pam and Oscar stare at him.

KEVIN
Pam, you got the wrong jellybeans.

PAM
What?

KEVIN
These jellybeans. They’re the wrong ones.

PAM
What are you talking about, Kevin? They’re jellybeans.

KEVIN
But they’re not good jellybeans. You used to get different ones.

PAM
Well, they’re still jellybeans. It’s not really a big deal, right?

KEVIN TALKING HEAD

KEVIN
My favorite thing about reception has always been the jellybeans. Now, I don’t have a favorite thing about reception.
(thinking)
No. My favorite thing about reception is Pam. But only when she wears certain shirts.
(a pleasing epiphany)
Or … no shirt.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA

KEVIN
I miss the old Pam.

He drops the jellybeans sadly back into the bowl. Pam and Oscar watch him walk away.

PAM
The wrong jellybeans? Seriously?

Oscar looks uncomfortable. Pam catches onto this.

PAM
What?

OSCAR
I wasn’t gonna … say anything.

He brings his hand up to reveal a handful of uneaten jellybeans.

PAM
Ah.

OSCAR
(apologetic)
Welcome back.

PAM
Yeah.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
(sans enthusiasm)
Home, sweet home.

END OF COLD OPEN


ACT ONE

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA

Everyone is walking in carrying sleeping bags, overnight bags, etc. Varying degrees of enthusiasm are on their faces. (Kelly? Lots. Stanley? Not so much. Shocking.)

MICHAEL (voiceover)
We are having a sleepover. Here, at the office.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL (cont’d.)
Cool, huh?

KELLY TALKING HEAD

KELLY beams wordlessly at the camera, overcome with joy. Dreams do come true.

JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD

JIM
We had plans. We were gonna spend the night in. Kick back on the couch. Channel surf.

PAM
Maybe, like, glance at each other occasionally.

JIM
Ehh. Maybe. You want to?

PAM
I dunno. It might be too much trouble.

JIM
It’s just, it’s cool that you’re not a two and a half hour drive away anymore and everything, but if I’m really into Seinfeld, I don’t want to get out of the zone.

PAM
No, I get that. I totally get that.

JIM
Good. The thing is, we’re never gonna get good at being boring old married people if work keeps interfering. And I feel like that’s something that we both, ideally, would like to do.

PAM
Oh, definitely. Definitely.

JIM
And while you might think it’s a little early, on account of us not being married yet, it’s an art form, and it’s one that we want to get down.

PAM
Exactly.

JIM
Instead, we’re having a sleepover. At the office.

PAM
Michael got the idea from The Baby-Sitters Club. And no, I’m not joking. (Beat.) I never joke about The Baby-Sitters Club.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Why was I watching The Baby-Sitters Club? Good question. Well, I just so happened to be channel surfing a few nights ago, and I stumbled across that little gem. And even though it’s about a bunch of teenage girls, there was a connection. Instantaneously. Because what the Baby-Sitters Club really is, is a simile for the office. Here we have this group of really different girls, and they all come together with one common goal: to sell something. In their case, themselves. (Pause.) To parents. (Pause.) Who need babysitters.

And just like in the office, you’ve got a whole my…rial of different people. There’s the artsy one, that’s Pam. There’s the bossy one, that’s – well, no, that’s not me. I am the boss, but I am not bossy. So that one is probably Dwight. Except for the part where she is in charge. Then she’s me. But all the other times, Dwight. Also, she kind of seems like a lesbian. Oscar in reverse? Who knows. You decide. Then there’s the shy one, that’s … also Pam. And then there’s the one with fashion sense, and diabetes. Who is a cross between Kelly and Stanley.

But what really got me, what really hooked me in, was just the love between these girls. I think the reason I really connected with the film on such an existential level was that even though they just worked together, they were each other’s best friends in the world. They were family. And you just don’t see that enough in stories about people who work together. It was just this – gritty, realistic, refreshing new look. And I realized, what is more important than the love that fills this office? So I decided that tonight should be a celebration of it. Much in the style of the Baby-Sitters Club.

If Pam and Kelly and Angela wind up having a pillow fight in their underwear … that will be neither here nor there.

JIM AND PAM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Actually, it’s sort of a big deal, because this will be the first time that I have ever spent the night with Pam.

PAM (laughing)
Shut up.

JIM
No, really. One time, she tried to get me drunk and take me home, but I thought, ‘Nope, better not fall for it. This girl just wants to use me and break my heart.’

PAM (laughing)
You’re so full of it.

JIM
(points at her)
Pam Beesly. Thief of Virtue. Right here.

PAM
You dork.

JIM
To tell you the truth, I’m a little nervous about it.

PAM
(beaming)
Well, you should be.

JIM
Should I be?

PAM
Yeah.

JIM
Is my world gonna get rocked or something? Because if it is, I’d like to know beforehand.

PAM
You’re just gonna have to wait and see.

JIM
Yikes.

They smile at each other.


ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDY
Actually, it’s sort of a big deal, because thisss will be the first time I have ever spent the night with Angela. (A beat – then, as if responding to the camera guy’s expressions to this little proclamation -) Seriously.

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

OSCAR
Technically, I guess I should be surprised. I’m not. I’m never surprised anymore. If Michael tries to crawl into my sleeping bag with me, I might be surprised. (Beat.) Actually, nope. In fact, I’m sort of counting on it.

INT. OFFICE – PHYLLIS & STANLEY’S DESKS

PHYLLIS looks over at the bag next to STANLEY’S desk in surprise.

PHYLLIS
Stanley, you’re actually staying?

STANLEY
Yep.

PHYLLIS
(smiling, pleased at this uncharacteristic act of office spirit)
Huh!

STANLEY keeps staring bleakly ahead at his computer screen.

STANLEY
TALKING HEAD

STANLEY
It is my daughter’s birthday. She is having a slumber party. I can either be at that slumber party, or I can be at this slumber party. At that slumber party, I would get to stay in my own home. Sleep in my own bed. I would also have to be up all night listening to my baby girl talk way too loud about boys and the things she does with them. If I did that, I’d have to find them, and I’d have to beat their sorry asses down. The last thing I want to do when I get home from work, or on my weekend, is go out and beat a bunch of sorry-assed boys down. It’s better not to know.

I have my sleeping pills. I have my sleeping bag. I call dibs on the sofa. If anyone tries to take it from me, I will assume they’ve had their hands on my daughter, and I will react accordingly. Understand? (Beat.) I thought so.

INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREA

Andy is lugging a deflated blow-up mattress over to Angela’s desk (cue Diwali flashbacks!), looking mighty pleased with himself as he does it.

ANGELA
What is that?

ANDY
That, my sweet, is an inflatable air mattress.

ANGELA
I know that.

ANDY
Then why did you …
(Knowing better than to push it)
… Yeah, I thought it’d be better than the hard old floor. Anybody on top of this puppy’s gonna get their comfy on.

ANGELA
It’s very rude of you to flaunt that when the rest of us have to sleep on the floor.

ANDY
Yeah, well, actually, I was thinkin’…

ANGELA
What?

ANDY
It’s pretty roomy … a roomy twin …

ANGELA stares, waiting for him to make his point.

ANDY (cont’d.)
You could sleep not on the floor.

ANGELA
All right.

ANDY
(shocked; is he going to actually get to be in the same bed as his fiancee?)
… Really?!

ANGELA
Yes. Thank you.

ANDY
(gleeful)
Are you kidding? Thank you

ANGELA
I appreciate your chivalry.

ANDY
(a little too happy to think correctly)
I appreciate your chivalry-

OSCAR
(can’t take it anymore)
Andy, you’re sleeping on the floor.

ANDY
What? Pfft. Am not.

ANGELA
Yes you are.

ANDY
… oh.

ANGELA
Why? Do you have a problem with that?
(Subtext: ‘Cause if you do, tough.)

ANDY
No, no, of course not. I mean, my back might get kinda – but no. The only thing I have a problem with is my sweet little love kitten not being comfy as can be.

ANGELA
Well, you won’t have to worry about that anymore.

ANDY
No, I won’t.
(He grins, slightly forced. Takes an antsy few steps closer to her.)
Can I?

ANGELA
If you’re quick about it.

ANDY leans in and kisses her on the cheek. About a millisecond after his mouth meets her face-

ANGELA
I said quick.

ANDY
(jumping dutifully back)
Righto. Sorry.

ANGELA
It’s fine. Just … go blow that up somewhere.

ANDY
Will do, sweetie poo—

ANGELA glowers. Definitely not gonna pass nickname approval.

ANDY
-ooiiiie. Sweetie pie.

He moseys off, dragging the inflatable mattress behind him. Angela goes back to her work.

OSCAR
(disgusted)
Angela…

ANGELA
What?

OSCAR
Nothing. Never mind.

Angela glowers.

INT. OFFICE – DWIGHT AND JIM’S DESKS

JIM
Hey, Dwight?

DWIGHT
What?

JIM
Are you going to be wearing footie pajamas?

DWIGHT
None of your business. Also, no.

JIM
Oh. Okay.

DWIGHT
Why?

JIM
Oh, y’know. Just wanted to make sure we wouldn’t be wearing the same ones. Because that’d be really embarrassing.

DWIGHT scowls.

JIM
You wanna sleep next to me?

DWIGHT
Not even if you were Xena.

JIM
(snaps)
Darn.

DWIGHT
Besides, don’t you want to sleep next to your girlfriend?

JIM
First, fiancee. Second, I’m pretty sure you’re cuddlier.

DWIGHT
Am not.

JIM
You sure? Because you just look …

DWIGHT
Yes, I am sure.

JIM
Because Pam, she looks cuddly, but I’ll be honest, she’s not great.

Cut over to Pam at reception, laughing.

DWIGHT
Well, she’s better than me.

JIM
Yeah, I just don’t think I can really be sure about that until I’ve tried out both of you.

DWIGHT
I am as prickly as a porcupine. With fangs. And nostrils that squirt venom instead of mucous.

JIM
You mean a Venomous Porcufang?

DWIGHT
Don’t pretend that’s something real.

JIM
Not pretending, because I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of it before.

DWIGHT
Impossible. I just made it up.

JIM
I’m just gonna google it right now.
(He types something on his computer)
Ah. Yep. There it is. Eesh.

DWIGHT
Is not.
(He leans over to catch a glimpse anyway. Because he’s Dwight.)

JIM
(turns his computer screen away)
Nope. Too scary for you. I’m probably going to have nightmares for weeks. Which is why I would really appreciate it if you would cuddle with me.

DWIGHT
Never in a million years.

JIM
Well, how about you just give me the name of the last person you cuddled with? So I can check and make sure you are as good a cuddler as you look. Because now I’m just not gonna be able to get it out of my head.

The camera does a quick pan over to ANGELA. Andy’s standing with her. For a moment, we see a flash of Angela-inspired pain cross Dwight’s face. Then—

DWIGHT
I don’t cuddle.

JIM
But you do wear footie pajamas.

DWIGHT
You wish.

JIM
Yeah, I do.

Dwight scowls.

INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

MICHAEL is staring fixedly at the clock on his computer screen. 4:59 switches to 5:00, and …

MICHAEL
(jumping up)
PAJAMA TIME! I repeat, workers of Dunder Mifflin: pajama time! GET – INTO – YOUR – PAJAMAS!

INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE

MICHAEL hops his way out into the main office.

MICHAEL:
(‘Can’t Touch This’-inspired)
Da-na-na-na-na-na-na—
PAJAMA TIME!
Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-

Cut abruptly to—

INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE

Ten or so minutes later. Pan over to the couch by the door to show that STANLEY is already on it, fast asleep.

PAM steps back out into the main office area. She’s wearing a t-shirt and sweats, hair in a ponytail.

MICHAEL
… seriously? That’s it?

PAM
What were you expecting?

MICHAEL
I dunno. Nice little … nightdress. Slip. Nighty. Negligee. G-string—

PAM
(cutting him off)
Um, yours are nice.

MICHAEL
(pleased)
I know, right?

The camera pans down to reveal a pair of silky purple pajamas, very Hugh Hefner. Only the bottom few buttons of the shirt are buttoned. Yowza.

MICHAEL (cont’d.)
I got them just for tonight. Special occasion.

PAM
You don’t say.

MICHAEL
Yeah, I just figured maybe it would be nice to make an effort.

He stares pointedly at her.

PAM
I thought we were just going to sleep.

MICHAEL
Yeah, but that doesn’t mean we can’t feel sexy doing it. Come on, Pam. I thought you were made over. I thought this, with the hair, with the New York experience, was post-makeover Pam.

PAM
Uh—

MICHAEL
Do you at least have hot underwear?

PAM
That’s not—

MICHAEL
Jim! Pam’s underwear. Is it hot?

JIM
(coming over)
Actually, she wears pantaloons, mostly.

MICHAEL
(dismayed)
Pam. Come on. You’ve got to work on that. Sexiness is something that grows from the inside out. Like a blossoming flower of sex. A bloomy sex flower. You’re sexy in your heart first, and then … how do I say this delicately … in your underthings area, and then with the actual clothes that you wear on the outside of your body. Not the other way around.

PAM
Thanks, Michael.

MICHAEL
Any time. I just hope you don’t feel too bad about looking so blah.

PAM
I think I’ll be okay.

MICHAEL
Good, good. I – heyyy! That’s what I’m talking about!

Cut to KELLY, who is walking over decked out in a tiny little nightie, complete with newly retouched makeup, curled hair, and furry heeled slippers.

KELLY TALKING HEAD

KELLY
(nonchalant)
Oh, this? This is how I look every night.

RYAN TALKING HEAD

RYAN shakes his head.

INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE

MICHAEL
(gawking)
Exactly! Exactly! We all need to be comfortable here, people. It’s family. It’s natural. We can’t be afraid to show a little skin—

DWIGHT comes in, wearing only his wifebeater undershirt and his boxers.

MICHAEL
--AAAUGHH, DWIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

DWIGHT
This is what I’m wearing to sleep in.

MICHAEL
No, no, that – that is being plunged eyes first into HELL. Gyahhh! Are you crazy? There are ladies here, Dwight!

DWIGHT
They can look if they’re interested. If not, I won’t be offended. They probably just can’t handle it.

KELLY cracks up.

DWIGHT
You got a problem, Kapoor? If I remember correctly, you have a hobby of molesting men in the kitchen.

Cut to RYAN, who looks a little nostalgic.

DWIGHT (cont’d.)
And by men, I mean me.

KELLY
What?!? Do not!! Are you talking about Christmas, because that was like a zillion years ago, I so don’t even remember it. You kissed me, Dwight, that is so how it happened!

DWIGHT
(snarling)
I don’t think so.

KELLY
Omigod, I was drunk, I was so drunk, he totally came onto me, Ryan, don’t hate me!!

She rushes over to RYAN and throws her arms around him. He looks disgruntled for a second, taking us back to earlier days. It somehow progresses very quickly, however, into making out.

MICHAEL
Aaugh, Dwight, look what you did.

DWIGHT
I did not do that.

MICHAEL
That’s … completely inappropriate.

He watches, a little transfixed. Probably not by Kelly.

JIM
Oookay. How ‘bout we get started on some truth or dare?

KELLY abruptly pulls away from Ryan.

KELLY
Truth or dare! Truth or dare! Truth or dare truth or dare truth or dare!!!

MICHAEL
Yes! Jim! Brilliant suggestion! We shall truth, and we shall dare. If we dare. To truth.

JIM
What?

MICHAEL
Nothing.

INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN

ANDY is standing outside the ladies’ room. He’s wearing a pretty snazzy pair of pajamas that, in all likelihood, sports some kind of awesome, slightly painful-to-look-upon pattern.

ANDY
(to camera)
I am just waiting here for my future missus to come on out and bestow her beauty upon the world. And I won’t lie, I’m pretty excited, because this will probably be the most undressed I’ve ever seen her—

The bathroom door opens. ANGELA steps out. She’s wearing a Victorian nightgown that covers absolutely as much of her body as is even conceivable. High lacy collar, roughly a trillion buttons, the whole shebang.

ANDY
(after taking a moment to recover)
Check that out.

ANGELA
What?

ANDY
(abashed)
Nothing. You look pretty.

ANGELA studies him for a moment, then buttons up the one remaining button at her throat. As a preventative measure against being looked at inappropriately by her betrothed.

ANDY
(offers his arm)
Milady?

She deliberates a moment, then takes it. They begin to walk out together. ANDY throws a giddy glance back at the camera.

ANDY TALKING HEAD

ANDY
I’m pretty sure tonight’s gonna be the night.
(He pauses, considers the situation)
I’m thinking there’s like a sixty percent chance she’ll let me sleep in her general area.

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

The room has been cleared out, and everyone is sitting around in a circle on the floor.

MICHAEL
Okay, everybody. It is time for truth or dare. And I want it to be like no game of truth or dare that has ever been played before, in the history of all humans.

JIM
Even the gold rush prospectors?

MICHAEL
Especially the gold rush prospectors. Because they are the ones to beat. It’s historically proven.

JIM jimfaces at the camera.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Honestly, I have no idea what he was talking about. I tried a Wikipedia search, but … no go.

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

MICHAEL
The point is, I want this to be revolutionary. I want this to probe down deep into the most beautiful secrets of our hearts. And the most ugly. And everything in between. I want this to be like an episode of Tyra – nay, Oprah. I don’t want just, ‘oh, what’s your favourite color,’ or, like, ‘I dare you to get a fork from the kitchen and stick it into an electrical socket.’ I want this to be more than that. I want this to be real. I want us to penetrate each other’s souls. I want … God, I want the deepest penetration you could ever even possibly imagine. I want you all to go as deep as you think you can possibly go, and then go even deeper than that. I want you guys to dare … and truth … to penetrate me. As I dream of penetrating you.

He falls silent, clearly proud of his speech.

SERIES OF INDIVIDUAL TALKING HEADS

ANDY
(eyebrows a-wragglin’)
That’s what she said.

CUT TO

KELLY
(giggling madly)
That’s what—

CUT TO

RYAN
(toneless)
-she said.

CUT TO

DWIGHT
(with zest)
That’s what she—

CUT TO

KEVIN
(big dopey smile)
-said. Heeheehee.

CUT TO

PHYLLIS
(mischievous whisper)
That’s what she said.

CUT TO

CREED
(conversationally, as though replying to some mystery person saying ‘She didn’t say that!’)
That’s what she said.

CUT TO

PAM
That’s what—

CUT TO

JIM
-she said.

CUT TO

OSCAR
(weary sigh)
That’s what she said.

CUT TO

MEREDITH
(raunchy)
That’s what she-

CUT TO

ANGELA, silent. She stares at the camera with white hot disapproval. Awkward silence. Awkward silence. We can’t help but get the sense that, in spite of himself, the cameraman is being driven to feelings of shame and self-loathing for having dared to ask. Awkward silence. Cut to black.

Chapter Text

ACT TWO

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

Everyone sits inside in a circle.

MICHAEL
Okay. Truth or dare, goin’ on up in here. And I think that I will go first. And Iiii will ask – oh, who am I going to ask, who am I going to ask, honestly, it’s just such a hard decision –

DWIGHT looks desperately eager. So does KELLY. So does ANDY. Everyone else, not so much.

MICHAEL (cont’d.)
-Ummmm JIM.

DWIGHT
Damn it!!

JIM
Wow. It must be my lucky night.

MICHAEL
No kidding. So, Jimbo. Truth or dare? What’s it gonna be? Huh? Huh?

PAM
(under her breath to Jim, amused)
Yeah, what’s it gonna be?

JIM ponders.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
I like to think I’m a pretty daring guy. Occasionally, this results in things like … taping Dwight in a box, or getting attacked with pepper spray. That’s okay. I can handle it. It just comes with the territory.

But the idea of being dared to do something … by Michael. I dunno. Every daredevil has to draw the line somewhere.

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

JIM
Truth.

MICHAEL
Truth! Sissyyyyy!

DWIGHT
Michael, I would have picked dare.

MICHAEL
Ugh, yeah, well, I dare you to put some clothes on, you big weirdo.

DWIGHT looks chagrined, moves around a little in some vain endeavour to show less skin. ANGELA throws him a glance that is not entirely disinterested from across the room where she sits next to Andy.

MICHAEL (cont’d.)
Okay, Jim. Truth. Truth truth truth truth. What would be a good – oh, I got it! Who would you- no. Scratch that. Ummm … ah! Yes! If you had only a jar of peanut butter and … a unicorn … okay, no. Umm. Uh. If Pam was dead, and you had to pick another woman to—

JIM
No.

MICHAEL
(chastised) Right. Um. Okay, then – ohoho, here’s a doozy for ya, totally groundbreaking: if you were stuck on a desert island, and you could only have one other person there with you for the rest of your life, and it had to be a person in this office, who would it be?

JIM
Pa—

MICHAEL
And it can’t be someone you’ve had sex with.

JIM
Well, that really narrows it down.

MICHAEL
Really?

JIM
No.

MICHAEL
Okay. Right. Ha. Well, who’s it gonna be?

JIM opens his mouth.

MICHAEL
And it has to be somebody older than you.

JIM opens his mouth.

MICHAEL
And a guy.

KELLY
Why a guy?

MICHAEL
Just – because, Kelly. Because.

KELLY
But what if he gets lonely? Like, for, you know?

MICHAEL
He’s not gonna—

KELLY
Because that’s all all guys want to do all the time. Seriously. All the time.

RYAN smirks.

ANDY shoots a miserable, sex-starved glance at ANGELA.

MICHAEL
Yeah, but that’s not really part of the—

KELLY
Would he have to turn gay?

MICHAEL
What?? No. No. There are things you can do. With coconuts, or volleyballs.

PAM
What is that even supposed to mean?

MICHAEL
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying. I balked under pressure.

CREED
Don’t worry, Michael. I know just what you’re talking about. Coconuts.

MICHAEL
Sheesh. Okay. Well. Jim. Who would it be? A guy, from the office, who’s older, on a desert island with you. For the rest of your life. Who’d you choose?

JIM
(contemplates a minute, then-)
Stanley.

MICHAEL
Stanley? You serious?

JIM
Yup.

MICHAEL
But Stanley’s not even here.

JIM
I know.

MICHAEL
He’s just out – asleep. He’s sleeping at a slumber party. That’s so lame. Do you really want someone that lame to be your last link with all civilization?

JIM
Yes, I do.

MICHAEL
Why? When you could have—

PAM
Creed?

MICHAEL
--Yeah, Creed, I guess. Or Andy. Or, you know, someone else. Someone really super fun, and cool, and resourceful, who you’d never get bored with even if you were stuck on a desert island.

ANDY
Thank you much, Captain Scott!

MICHAEL
No, I don’t mean you, Andy. Not specifically.

JIM
Oh. You mean Joel McHale.

MICHAEL
What! No. No, not Joel McHale – although, he is magnificent. But I just meant –
(He pauses, disappointed.)
Is Stanley really your answer?

JIM
Stanley’s really my answer.

MICHAEL
Oookay. But he’ll probably just – sleep through it, while you’re getting attacked by wild boars. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

JIM
I thought this was a desert island.

MICHAEL
Deserted by everything but boars. The boars rule.

JIM
Huh. How ‘bout that.

DWIGHT
(to Jim)
You should’ve picked me. (He mimes violently stabbing something to death.) Boar Population: Zero.

JIM
Whoops. Okay. Dwight.

DWIGHT
Too late. You picked Stanley. Enjoy getting gored by a boar.

JIM
No, I mean, Dwight. Truth or dare?

Zoom in on DWIGHT. A moment of intensity.

DWIGHT
Fire.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Sure, I could have picked truth. Sure, I could have picked dare. I probably could have even picked double dare. I didn’t. You know why? Because those are for wusses. There is nothing in this world that Jim Halpert could dare me to do that I would not do. Nothing.

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

JIM
Does that mean truth, or dare?

KELLY
It’s like the dariest dare there is.

JIM
Well, well, well.

DWIGHT
Bring it on. Just you try to defeat me at this game. What do you want me to do? Eat the contents of the entire vending machine? I’ll do it. Jump off the roof? I’ll do that, too. Won’t even break a sweat.

KEVIN
Well, yeah. You’re almost naked. It’s cold out.

DWIGHT
I don’t need any of your lip, Malone. Jim. Do it. Fire me.

JIM
I thought only Michael could do that.

DWIGHT
Ha ha, very cute, quit stalling.

JIM
Okay. I dare you—

DWIGHT
Fire me.

JIM
-fire you …
(He thinks. Suspense mounts.)
… to kiss me on the cheek.

Shocked silence.

DWIGHT
(baffled; horrified)
You’re joking.

JIM
Nope.

DWIGHT
You don’t really want me to do that. This is some kind of mind game.

JIM
No, it isn’t.

DWIGHT
It has to be.

JIM
Nope. I just want you to kiss me on the cheek, Dwight.

DWIGHT is flummoxed. Finally, he shoots an accusatory glance at OSCAR.

OSCAR
… what?

DWIGHT (voiceover)
I’ve kissed men before.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
I have no problem with it. It’s only lips touching flesh. It’s no big deal. Men I have kissed: Oscar Martinez, on the day he came out to the office. People tend to overlook it. For some reason, Michael’s kiss was more memorable. But he wasn’t the only one who got in there. And frankly, it wasn’t completely unpleasant. Ask him. I don’t think he’ll have any complaints.

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

OSCAR stares at the camera in ‘… are you kidding me?’ silence.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Another man I have kissed: Mose. He sometimes appreciates a peck on the temple before he goes to bed. It’s not unusual. Just because certain issues prevent him from leaving the beet farm doesn’t mean he doesn’t crave the immediacy of human touch. Of course, there are other days when physical contact sends him into a violent frenzy. I’ve gotten good at telling which kinds of days are which. Had to. Otherwise, I’d probably be missing my right eye. If not my right eye, then my left eye.

(Beat.)

But Jim …

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

DWIGHT
I will get back to you on that.

JIM
So you forfeit.

DWIGHT
No. I’ll do it. Just … not right now.

JIM
Dwight, if you really feel uncomfortable-

DWIGHT
I’ll do it. Soon.

JIM
Okay. If you say so.

He tilts his head so that his cheek is on full, mocking display in Dwight’s direction. Dwight twitches a little.

MICHAEL
All right. This is just getting … weird. Okay. Moving on. Um.

ANDY
(jumps in)
Angela! I dare you to kiss me on the—

ANGELA
No.

KELLY is bouncing up and down eagerly, waving her hand in a ‘me me me!’ gesture.

MICHAEL
Fine. Kelly. You go.


KELLY
Yay! Thanks, Michael!
(Turns to Ryan, her expression turns suddenly, scarily intense)
Ryan-

RYAN
Uh-

KELLY
-how many girls did you hook up with while you were in New York?

MICHAEL
Ooh, good one.

RYAN
I don’t really think that’s anybody’s business.

OSCAR
I agree-

RYAN
Lots. Like, honestly, I lost count.
(Sensing The Wrath of Kelly)
But it’s okay. Because we were broken up then. And I was just trying to fill a lot of emptiness, because I missed you.

KELLY looks charmed. Ryan throws a sly ‘yeah, right’ glance at the camera when she’s not looking.

KELLY
But none of them were as pretty as me, right?

RYAN
(thoughtfully)
Ehhh—

PAM
(sensing conflict)
Okay, he answered the question. We should move on.

RYAN
Okay. Creed.

CREED
Sixty-three.
(Off everyone’s bewildered looks)
Or fifty-seven.
(Still getting confused glances)
Pass.

PHYLLIS
I’d like to go.

RYAN
‘kay, sure. Truth or dare?

PHYLLIS
Dare.

PHYLLIS TALKING HEAD

PHYLLIS
I like to get a little crazy sometimes.

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

RYAN
Okay. Uh. I dare you to …

RYAN TALKING HEAD

RYAN
Honestly, I don’t really care about any of these people. I don’t care what their hopes and dreams are. I don’t care if they’re a truth person or a dare person. I left this all behind a long time ago. The fact that I’m back doesn’t mean that I’m back. But the secret to success? Not letting them know that. You’ve just gotta know how to play the game.

The kid, he knows how to play the game.
(Beat.)
That’s me. I’m the kid.

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

RYAN
… kiss Jim on the cheek.

There’s a chorus of ‘ooh!’s and laughter. Ryan responds to the whole thing with a lot of fake charm and camaraderie, and sneaks a smarmy, triumphant look at the camera. PHYLLIS, meanwhile, goes over to Jim and gives him a big kiss on the cheek.

Cut to MICHAEL, who is watching the whole scene happily.

MICHAEL (voiceover)
See? This is everything that I dreamt it would be. So much love. So much togetherness. Everybody’s kissing each other. Swapping secrets. It’s like heaven. I think the babysitters would be proud. I think we have successfully lived in their image. I think that this is all the love in the whole world that anyone could ever need. Me, I don’t even need to look out of this office for … any of that. Because I’ve got the whole package, right inside these walls.

And sure, stuff got a little gay. But if there’s one thing Oscar has taught us, it’s that there’s nothing wrong with that.

Although the fact that Jim would go for Dwight when there were better alternatives – me, and, I dunno, Ryan – that’s kinda weird. Worrying, a little bit. But what can you do?

INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE

Everyone’s leaving the conference room. Jim and Pam are walking together.

PAM
You think he’s gonna do it?

JIM
God, I hope so.

PAM
Should I feel threatened, or something?

JIM
Pam. It’s Dwight. Come on.

PAM
So, yes.

JIM
Definitely.

PAM
So, what do we do now?

JIM
Go to bed?

PAM
(looks at clock)
It’s only six thirty.

JIM
Wow. It feels so much later.

PAM
No kidding.
(Realization really hitting)
We’re stuck here all night, aren’t we?

JIM
… yeah.

PAM
What do we do now?

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

Everyone is gathered in the dark conference room, lying on the floor with blankets scattered around. They’re all facing the TV, which is currently playing Michael’s ‘With Or Without You’ Dunder Mifflin video from “Valentine’s Day.” Michael sits in a chair toward the front, watching proudly.

PAM
(whispering, to camera)
Dunder Mifflin Film Festival.

MICHAEL
Shhhh!

PAM makes a face at the camera.

PAM TALKING HEAD

PAM
(standing outside the conference room; inside, everyone is still watching. Keeping her voice low.)
You know what? I kinda do love it here. It’s here, you know?

She smiles, fond.

PAM (cont’d.)
… talk to me again once Michael’s woken me up in the middle of the night because he wants me to tuck him in.

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

Close up on the television – specifically, the last frames of the commercial from “Local Ad.”

MICHAEL (voiceover on TV)
Limitless paper in a paperless world.

Everyone ‘aww’s and applauds. Michael smiles happily. He steps forward, stands in front of the TV to address everyone. DWIGHT, meanwhile, dutifully hurries over to stop the tape, take it out of the VCR, etc.

MICHAEL
And so concludes our cinematic journey through history. Now, it’s time for—

Everyone begins to get up, grab their blankets and pillows, and head out.

MICHAEL
Wait – what – where are you going?

ANGELA
It’s after midnight.

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELA
Do you know how many inappropriate, ridiculous videos have been made in this office over the past few years? Do you?

CUT TO VIDEO FOOTAGE of Michael and Dwight out in the parking lot, sporting sunglasses, drawn-on facial hair, and a single sheet of paper each taped over their – how to say this delicately? – underthings areas. Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake wouldn’t be proud, but maybe they’d be a little touched they at least made the effort.

MICHAEL
ONE – you cut a hole in the paper! TWO- you put your—

ANGELA TALKING HEAD

ANGELA shudders violently.

INT. OFFICE – CONFERENCE ROOM

ANDY
Sorry, boss. Time to catch some z’s.

MICHAEL
Yeah, but, what. Who goes to bed at midnight at a sleepover? That’s against the rules.

JIM
A true sleepover has no rules.

MICHAEL
(liking the sound of that)
Yeah – yes – exactly!

JIM
And therefore, we are free to go to bed.

MICHAEL
Wait! No! Damn it, Jim.

Everyone keeps on leaving.

MICHAEL
(frustrated)
Gyahhh! Just – wait a minute.

INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE

Everyone is stepping out. ANGELA glares down at KEVIN’S bare feet, which the camera zooms down to get a close up of. CREED goes over to his desk and sits awkwardly down in his office chair. He’s still completely dressed, and has put on his coat, too.

CREED
Sleeping in the office? Kooky. That’s kooky.

CREED TALKING HEAD

CREED
The trick is to act like I’ve never done it before.

INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE

ANDY
Might I sing you a lullaby, fair lady?

ANGELA
Maybe. I need to brush my teeth first.

ANDY
That’s cool. I’ll wait. In fact, I’ll go get things set up for ya.

ANGELA goes into the kitchen. ANDY smiles after her, then heads off with a spring in his step.

INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN

ANGELA steps inside to find DWIGHT in there already. He sits at the table, head in his hands, tormented.

ANGELA
You can’t possibly do it.

DWIGHT
I have to, Monkey. I can’t back down. Not to Jim.

ANGELA
But it’s disgusting.

DWIGHT
Don’t you think I know that? But – augh! What choice do I have! It’s fire.

ANGELA
(lightly)
You seem frustrated.

DWIGHT
Of course I’m frus-

And then, he catches on. A slow smile begins to creep across his face. Angela returns it.

INT. OFFICE – ACCOUNTING AREA

ANDY puts sheets on the inflatable mattress, which has now been blown up. He puts a blanket down, fluffs a pillow a couple of times and lays it down lovingly, humming to himself all the while.

INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN BUILDING – HALLWAY

SPY SHOT. We walk through the empty hallway to the stairwell door, which is slightly ajar. The door gets pushed open ever so slightly and sneakily to reveal-

DWIGHT and ANGELA, kissing passionately. Zoom in on Dwight’s fingers as they fumble with the buttons on Angela’s collar.

INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE

The lights have been turned off. Michael is standing in front of the door to his office, watching everybody in dismay as they settle down onto the floor. Jim and Pam are setting their sleeping bags down over in front of the reception desk. Phyllis is on her cell phone.

PHYLLIS
Goodnight, Bobby … No, you hang up first … no, you … no, you … no, you …

MICHAEL can’t take it anymore. He goes over, grabs the phone out of her hand, and presses some random buttons in a failed attempt to hang it up.

BOB VANCE, VANCE REFRIGERATION (on other line)
Hello?

MICHAEL
(throwing the phone down on Phyllis’s desk)
Enough. Enough of this. This, this is disgusting! This isn’t what tonight’s about!

PAM
You mean … going to sleep?

MICHAEL
Yes, I mean going to sleep! We can go to sleep any old night! In our beds, at our houses, alone, when we don’t have anyone to hang out with, or talk to. But this, this is our chance, people! Don’t you see that? This is our chance to pene-

JIM
Yeah, don’t say that again.

MICHAEL
The point is, aaaughhh, we need to connect. We need to share our souls. PAM!
(He whips around to face her)
What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you? Go on. Worst experience of your whole life. Enlighten us. Make us feel what you felt. Bind us to you with your tears. Make them become our tears, too.

PAM
Um.

MICHAEL
BIND US WITH YOUR TEARS.

PAM
Um, I failed one of my graphic design classes-

MICHAEL
Whaa, whaa, whaa. School. Grades. Who even cares about that, ever? Give me something better. Something real.

JIM
I’m pretty sure school’s real.

PAM
Um. When I was fourteen, we had to get our dog put down.

MICHAEL
Dogs! Bah! What are you, Angela?

PAM
It was really sad.

MICHAEL
I’m talking about real human tragedy here. Not tragedy with paws. RYAN. You’re someone who’s had some ups and downs. Some serious downs, my friend. Why don’t you tell us what it’s been like for you? You’ve been at rock bottom.

RYAN
(super-sincere; Lying McLiarFace)
Yeah, but I’m leaving that all behind me. Now I know what’s really important, and I’m starting over.

He SMILES at Kelly.

KELLY
Awww!

MICHAEL
Blech. Redeeming power of love. Stupid. Meredith, how ‘bout – hey, how about your hysterectomy? It’s been awhile since we talked about it. That must have been tough. To have to part from your uterus like that.

MEREDITH stares.

OSCAR
Michael, can you just let everyone go to bed? This is really-

MICHAEL
Oh! Yes! Jackpot! Ja-a-ackpot over here! I can’t believe I didn’t think of you earlier. Oscar. You must have gone through some really hard times. Coming to terms with being the way you are.

OSCAR
That’s really none of your-

MICHAEL
Oh, come on, ‘fess up. Ever had a secret romance? A secret romance gone wrong? That you had to hide from the eyes of society, because they just wouldn’t have gotten it? Where you maybe had to meet once, twice a year in seedy motel rooms? Ended badly? Lover died? Maybe got – I don’t know, beaten with a tire iron, or-

OSCAR
No, Michael, I have never lived Brokeback Mountain.

MICHAEL
But something like that, right?

OSCAR
(patience lost)
I got kissed by my boss. It was invasive and inappropriate, and if it hadn’t been for the three months’ paid vacation time and the company car, I doubt I would have ever come back.

MICHAEL stares, silenced. The whole room sinks into awkward silence for a moment. Then people start chattering again, getting into their sleeping bags, etc. MICHAEL stands there, looking hurt. Then he turns and slowly heads back to his office.

INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Michael stretches his sleeping bag out on the floor, then crawls into it. He lies alone on his back, staring up at the ceiling. We can still hear some chattering from the main office. Pam laughs.

MICHAEL (voiceover)
I always thought that the rule of sleepovers was that no one wound up sleeping alone. But it’s like Jim said. Real sleepovers have no rules. And that’s how I like to live. No rules.

MICHAEL keeps staring sadly up at the ceiling.

END OF ACT TWO

Chapter Text

ACT THREE

INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN

ANDY is sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the ladies’ room door fixedly.

ANDY
Angela’s just brushing her teeth. She should be out any minute.

Pan over to the door. It stays very closed.

ANDY
She is the lady-master of dental hygiene. It’s one of the things I love about her. All minty fresh, all the time. That’s my girl.

The door. Still closed.

ANDY
It’s gonna be a good night. I brought some MadLibs, because my little lady loves to mad lib. We tend to have our best times together when we’re playing MadLibs, in fact. Sooo.

The door. Still very, very closed.

ANDY
She should be out any minute.

ANDY starts drumming his fingertips against the cover of the MadLibs book.

INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S OFFICE
Through the blinds, we see MICHAEL still lying there on his back. He sighs, turns over, eyes still open.

INT. OFFICE – RECEPTION AREA
SPY SHOT from behind one of the plants. JIM and PAM are lying next to each other.

JIM
(softly)
Hey, Pam?

PAM
Yeah?

JIM
Truth or truth?

PAM
(pretends to ponder)
… Truth.

JIM
(serious; trying not to seem it)
Are you happy? Being back?

PAM
Yeah, I am.

JIM
(making sure)
You are.

PAM
I am. It’s home.

JIM smiles, relieved. They’re quiet for a few seconds.

PAM
Hey, Jim?

JIM
Yeah?

PAM
Truth or truth?

JIM
Ooh. That’s a tough one.

PAM
(hits him on the arm)
Hey, I went along with you.

JIM
Right. Fine. Truth.

PAM
(a little hesitantly)
What do you want to be when you grow up?

JIM
What?

PAM
(serious)
What do you want? Besides this?

JIM
Oh, Pam. How could anyone want any more than this? That’d just be greedy.

PAM
(laughs)
Yeah, okay.

They sink into silence. Both look genuinely contemplative.

JIM
(realizing)
I don’t really know.

PAM
(sympathetic)
Do you wish you did?

JIM is silent for a long time. His expression is thoughtful, a little unsettled. Pam watches him.

JIM
(reverting to funny)
Wait, no, I’ve got it. You know those people on the History Channel who dress up in costumes and pretend to be, like, Henry VIII or Rasputin and do live-action reenactments while the scholars all talk about them? One of those.

PAM
(disappointed for a minute, but she smiles)
Oh really.

JIM
Absolutely. Or a trainer at Sea World. Or, ooh, the next Ryan Seacrest. Or the current Wolf Blitzer. Just for the name. And the beard. Or a gladiator. I could fight Dwight.

PAM
(laughing)
I think Dwight might win.

JIM
Ohhh. Harsh.

They continue on joking around.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
I guess I don’t know. I want to be with Pam. And … apart from that, I guess I …
(He laughs a little, embarrassed and a little sad, as realization dawns)
I probably sound really lame right now. Don’t I.

INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN

ANDY is still waiting diligently, watching the bathroom door. OSCAR comes in.

ANDY
Heyyyy! Oscar. Mi bromigo. Que’s pasa-ing?

OSCAR
Nothing. Just wanted a cup of tea.

ANDY
Solid.

OSCAR
Right.
(He starts rummaging through the cupboard, takes out a mug and teabag, etc.)
What are you doing?

ANDY
Just waiting on the fiancee. She’s in the bathroom. Getting ready for bed.

OSCAR
(listens a minute)
Really? I don’t hear the water or anything.

ANDY
She’s really quiet.

OSCAR realizes what Andy has obstinately refused to – namely, that Angela is not in the bathroom – and looks at him sympathetically.

OSCAR TALKING HEAD

OSCAR
I know he dresses the way he dresses. I know he acts the way he acts. But when he’s not punching holes in things, he’s a pretty harmless guy. And no one deserves to be treated by Angela the way he’s treated by Angela.

INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN

OSCAR takes a second cup out of the cupboard and puts a teabag in it, then takes the first out of the microwave and gives it to Andy.

ANDY
(surprised)
Oh. Thanks.

OSCAR
Sure. Are those MadLibs?

ANDY
Yeah. Angela loves ‘em. Can’t get enough. Sheee is a little MadLib minx. You should watch that lady select an adverb. It might even turn you straight.

OSCAR
Yeah, I doubt that.

ANDY
I just thought we’d squeeze in a quick game or two before bed. But now … it’s getting pretty late. I’m sort of worried. She’s been in there a really long time.

OSCAR
Andy, I don’t think she’s in there anymore.

ANDY
What? Of course she’s in there. She said she would be.

OSCAR
Well, maybe you should go and check.

ANDY
Pfft. In the ladies’ room? I think not. I have some common decency.

OSCAR
No one’s in there, Andy.

ANDY
… fine, I’ll look. But when she gets mad at me, it’s all gonna be on you.

OSCAR
I’m okay with that.

ANDY disappears into the bathroom. OSCAR stares, sort of grimly knowing, at the camera, then retrieves his tea from the microwave. A few seconds later, ANDY comes back out.

ANDY
(sinking down at the table)
She’s not in there.

OSCAR
Yeah.

ANDY
Huh. Where is she?

OSCAR
I dunno. Maybe there was something she had to do.

ANDY
Like what?

INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN BUILDING – HALLWAY
A SHOT of the stairwell door. Some pretty frenzied noises coming from inside.

INT. OFFICE – KITCHEN

OSCAR
I don’t know. But you shouldn’t worry about it.

ANDY
Yeah. Okay. Good idea. I guess I’ll just … go find me a corner o’ floor. Settle in for the night.

OSCAR
That sounds like a good idea.

ANDY sits there, stationary and pathetic.

OSCAR
(taking pity on him)
Or. How about a game of MadLibs first?

ANDY
Seriously??

OSCAR
(sitting down across from Andy)
Sure, why not.

ANDY
Ohhh! It is on, my friend.

He flips the book open with relish, his enthusiasm renewed.

ANDY
Okay. Gimme an adjective.

OSCAR
Teutonic.

ANDY gives him a ‘what the hell kind of MadLib word is that?’ look.

ANDY
How do you spell that?

OSCAR
Like it sounds.

ANDY
Um. Okayyy. T-U-

OSCAR
Well, there’s a silent e.

ANDY
T-U-E-

OSCAR
T-E-U-

They play on.

INT. OFFICE – MICHAEL’S OFFICE

Through the blinds. MICHAEL is still lying there, wide awake. After about five seconds, he gets up, comes out of his office, careful to close the door behind him quietly. He begins to walk with quiet, careful steps through the office, looking down at his employees where they’re sleeping.

MICHAEL (voiceover)
These people are my family. They are my friends. They are – well, they were my enemies, too, but then Toby left. Thank God. The point is, they are all I need in this world to get me by. But … I don’t know. Lately, I just feel weird.

MICHAEL stops by Jim and Pam. Waits for a second, then leans down and taps Pam on the shoulder.

MICHAEL
(whispering)
Pam.

PAM
Nuh uh.

MICHAEL
(poking her shoulder repeatedly)
Pam. Pam. Pam.

PAM
Whaaat –
(she wakes up all the way)
Oh. Hi, Michael.

She shoots a ‘see, told ya’ glance at the camera.

MICHAEL
You can’t sleep either?

PAM
(dryly)
Nope.

MICHAEL
Huh. Well. Coincidence. Say, you want to go, I dunno, sit and talk ‘til we get tired?

PAM
(considers it for a second, then, with resignation)
Sure.

INT. OFFICE – BREAK ROOM

PAM and MICHAEL are sitting at one of the tables, sharing a bag of chips from the vending machine.

MICHAEL
I’m glad you’re back.

PAM
Yeah, me too.

MICHAEL
You do anything fun?

PAM
Yeah. It was a really cool experience.

MICHAEL
That’s good.

PAM
Yup.

They sit in silence broken only by the sound of chewing.

PAM
Michael, are you okay?

MICHAEL
What? Pam! Of course I’m okay. I’m great. It’s an office sleepover. It’s the best night of my life. If I were any happier, I’d probably be high. Not even on some kind of substance. Just on life.

PAM
Oh. Okay.

More crunchy silence.

MICHAEL
I just … I thought there’d be more lovin’ going on.

PAM
You mean like …?

MICHAEL
No, Pam, not like an orgy. I’m not going to throw an office orgy.

PAM
Sorry. Sometimes, with you, it’s just better to check.

MICHAEL
Maybe if it was just, like, you, and Ryan, and Jim, and Kelly, and – Angela, but if Angela decided to fancy herself up a little bit. And, ooh, if Karen still worked here-

PAM
Okay, Michael.

MICHAEL
-but in this office? With Kevin, and Meredith? With Creed? No one wants Creed in an orgy.

CREED TALKING HEAD

CREED
Actually, I know some folks who’d beg to differ.

INT. OFFICE – BREAK ROOM

MICHAEL
No, I just meant … you know. That vibe. That nice love vibe that happens, when we’re all together sometimes. Like a family.

PAM
Oh. That one.

MICHAEL
Yeah. Because … I don’t know, that used to just be like the greatest feeling, you know? Like that Christmas where I bought all the vodka, and we all just went crazy. Or that Christmas where you and Karen made margaritas. Like, those were times where I would just look at everybody and think, ‘This, this is the life.’

PAM
Maybe it’s because you were drunk.

MICHAEL
(irritated)
It’s not because I was drunk, Pam.

PAM
Sorry.

Silence. Then-

MICHAEL
I just … ever since she left, it’s like there’s this hole. And you guys are supposed to fill it, and instead, it’s just … not cutting it.

PAM
(genuinely sympathetic)
I’m sorry.

MICHAEL
Yeah, it’s okay.
(Beat)
It’s not okay. It sucks, all the time.

PAM
It’ll get better.

MICHAEL
Yeah.
(He sighs.)

PAM
You know, when Jim went to Stamford … I really thought that was it. Like I’d missed my chance. But then …

MICHAEL looks at her, a little hope dawning on his face.

PAM
Even when stuff seems really bad, it can work out.

MICHAEL
You think so?

PAM
Yeah, I do.

MICHAEL pats her on the hand, then holds the chip bag out to her. She takes one.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
(alone in the breakroom)
These people are the greatest. And I love them. I’m not ashamed to say it. And, okay, so maybe I don’t love them in a sexy way. But that’s okay.

Cut to RYAN and KELLY. RYAN is lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. KELLY is sprawled over him gracelessly, clinging onto him, mouth open – very unattractive sleeping. He looks at her. After a minute, he starts to brush her hair back from her face. He stops himself mid-act, makes a ‘what the hell am I doing? NOT AGAIN’ face, and then starts (futilely) trying to disentangle himself from her.

MICHAEL (voiceover over Ryan and Kelly)
Because love that’s sexy, and romantic, and feels all good and perfect? It hurts the most. Why do you think there are all these songs about it? What do you think James Blunt’s been talking about all these years?

Cut to OSCAR and ANDY in the kitchen. ANDY is reading out the MadLib with much aplomb. Oscar’s shaking his head, laughing in spite of himself.

MICHAEL (voiceover over Oscar and Andy)
Sometimes, you just love people because they’re your people. They’re there for you. They get your soul. They’ve got your back. The back of your soul is at the front of the line … of stuff that’s important to them.

Cut to PAM. She settles back down next to Jim. She stares at him thoughtfully, fondly, a little sympathetically.

MICHAEL (voiceover over Jim and Pam)
And they see into you, and they know how to tell you exactly what you want to hear. And, sometimes, exactly what you don’t want to hear.

Cut to ANGELA arriving back in the accounting area, straightening her nightgown, to discover the bed Andy made for her. There’s a note resting on top of her pillow. She picks it up, reads it. A wave of emotions – the most prominent being guilt – washes over her face. Then she sets it onto her desk and gets into bed.

The camera zooms in on the note: ‘Ang, Sweet dreams for my sweet dream. Love, Andy’

MICHAEL (voiceover over Angela)
Because love hurts. Sleepovers might not have rules, but guess what? Love does, and that’s number one … on some days. On other days, number one is that love feels good. It goes back and forth. It’s ever-changing. It can never just settle down in one place and stop kicking you in the heart. That’s not how it operates.

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Sure, we’re going to have our differences sometimes. Sometimes, we’re going to hate each other almost as much as we love each other. Like when Oscar gets all pissy about ancient history, or Jim would rather live with Stanley than me on a desert island.

But that doesn’t change the fact that the love in this office is constant. And it doesn’t mean that we can’t all … sleep together.

He smiles sagely.

END OF ACT THREE

TAG

INT. OFFICE – MAIN OFFICE – THE FOLLOWING MONDAY

Pam is answering the phone. Jim is typing on his computer while he takes a sales call. It’s your average, run-of-the-mill enthusiasm-devoid work day.

JIM (on phone)
Yes, Mr. Walker, I’ve got that information for you right here. Just a second, and I’ll pull it up on-

And then, with all the speed and savage ferocity of some carnivore descending on its hopeless prey, DWIGHT lunges across the desk and KISSES JIM ON THE CHEEK.

JIM drops the phone with a clatter. There are various exclamations of shock from the bystanders.

PAM (offscreen)
Oh my God!

JIM stares at Dwight, eyes wide, totally caught off guard.

DWIGHT
(triumphant)
FIRE.

He punches the air.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Bull’s eye.

JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
He got me. He got me, fair and square. And now … I will never wash this cheek again.

He smiles innocently.

DWIGHT TALKING HEAD

DWIGHT
Wait. What?

END