When Dave set out to seduce John Egbert he knew it wasn’t going to be easy. After all John was not-a-homosexual and his cookie cutter sheltered suburban upbringing didn’t allow for any gray area in his sexuality. Never mind the raging crush on the rebel without a cause, obviously the crush on Liv Tyler negated any leanings towards the more rugged sex. Luckily, when Dave really wanted something he had the patience of stone, and he really wanted that dorky, bucktoothed, paradoxically broad shouldered and square jawed piece of ass.
Of course he wasn’t just in it for the ass, fine though it might be. You don’t seduce a boy like John Egbert and then drop him when you’re done thoroughly divesting him of his virginity. No, anyone who stays that sweet after years of glasses and overbite and public school deserves a little bit more than that. A lot more, in fact, and Dave was more than willing to give John everything and more. But before he could start working on the heavy stuff he had to get around an annoying little roadblock. So Dave tucked away his dreams of a white picket fence—an ironic fence, obviously—and focused on his shallower fantasies involving his best friend riding his lap and begging for more.
It was their junior year when he started figuring this out and he leapt to action. It was only a matter of time before the bitchy girls at their school figured out what Dave knew all along: that John was insanely attractive. Dave had to make sure his best bro’s ass was safe with him and not with some self-centered princess who would only wreck that happy glittery way John looked at romance. He also knew he had to be careful or he’d end up doing the same thing.
Dave started small. He’d edge a little closer when they were playing shitty video games, he’d brush fingers when handing over a bottle of apple juice, and spend a lot of time with a hand on John’s shoulder. He progressed slowly but surely. He’d sit down and slide right over so they were hip to hip, brush away any Dorito dust that escaped John’s mouth, and that hand on his best friend’s shoulder traveled down to the small of the back. John never flinched away and was never bothered by how touchy-feely Dave was becoming. It wasn’t long before John was the one flopping down on the couch practically in the other boy’s lap and goofily reaching out to brush platinum blond hair back into place. It was very encouraging. Dave would never have admitted it before he had that confirmation, but he was worried that, while John clearly had some hidden bisexual leanings, he might not necessarily lean in Dave’s direction. It was a big relief—a relief the coolkid would never ever admit to feeling—when he realized that John’s physical affection with either of their sisters didn’t match how much time John spent touching Dave.
He had just initiated phase two, sneaking that arm around John’s shoulders when they watched movies, when an unexpected opportunity presented itself. In the middle of the school day John suddenly became strangely muted, not so down to really alarm his three closest friends but it was certainly noticeable. After swearing to the girls that he’d get to the bottom of it Dave took off to the mall with his best friend in tow. They hit the arcade and the food court and ironically tried on hipster clothes and that vaguely melancholy air remained. Dave was starting to get within reach of worried so he hauled John back to the apartment he shared with his brother. Once Dave shut the door he put his hands on John’s hips and pushed the boy back until the back of his legs hit the couch. John sat down with an ooph and blinked up at the cross-armed blond standing over him.
“What the hell, Dave?” he asked with a very distracting pout. Dave steeled himself against the impressive display of macho and soldiered on straight into the heart of the matter.
“You’ve been a stick all day, bro,” Dave said, allowing some of the concern to reach his voice. Completely intentional. “Come on, man, you can tell me anything.”
“Oh... well of course I know that, it’s just,” John leaned back and sighed heavily as he took in the ceiling. “It’s just kind of silly.”
Dave settled in next to him—thighs and shoulders touching—and nudged John with his elbow. “Don’t leave me hanging.”
“I... asked Bethany Greer to the junior prom.”
It was only through seventeen years of lessons in stoicism and the unbreakable Strider brand poker face that Dave was able to contain his overwhelming dismay, but he managed it. He dug down deep and produced a blank sounding, “Oh?” in response.
“Yeah. She said no.”
“Well then she’s an idiot who doesn’t deserve your attention,” Dave decreed. He dreaded the answer but he make himself ask, “You’re not too hung up on this chick, are you?”
John stopped examining the cracked plaster and shook his head. “Oh no, I don’t even really have a crush on her or anything. It’s just... why she said she didn’t want to go with me.”
Dave halted the victory parade going on in his head and wrapped his arm around John’s shoulders completely platonically. “Lay it on me, bro.”
“Well... she said...” John ducked his head in embarrassment. “Shesaidmyoverbitewouldmakemeaterriblekisser.”
Dave took a couple seconds to decode that and then several more to suppress the urge to hunt down Bethany Greer and strangle her. Occasionally the jerks would get to John about his teeth or his glasses or general wonderful doofiness, but he’d always bounce back inside of an hour. This time he’d been carrying it around for half the day already. Dave hugged John’s shoulders tighter, overcome with the urge to protect his friend from the jerks of the world. That was how it was supposed to be, Dave being jaded enough for both of them so John never had to pick up those bad, cynical habits.
“Okay, first of all, fuck her,” Dave said. From the way John jumped a little and boggled Dave was less than successful in keeping the anger out of his voice. “Two, you’re going to be a great kisser. Third, fuck her. She’s not good enough for you.”
“But what if it does get in the way?” John asked miserably. He slumped against Dave and started wringing his fingers, which was a good sign that he was really worried. “The closest I’ve come to kissing a girl was pecking Rose on the lips when we were nine.”
“You’ve got one thing right: kissing my sister does not count as kissing a girl.”
“That’s mean!” John laughed and Dave felt the knot in his gut loosen a tiny bit. Then John sighed sadly and it all came back. “But really, I don’t know. It would make sense if my teeth would get in the way.”
“No it wouldn’t. You’re going to be a great kisser, trust me on this.”
“You don’t know that,” John shot back. The way he was twisting under his friend’s arm put his mouth dangerously close to Dave’s neck. The sensation of warm breath ghosting over his throat proved to be a little too much for Dave’s mind to handle.
“I could find out.”
It took the space of about half a second for Dave to realize that he said that out loud at which point he could have thrown himself off the roof. He had a plan for this, he was going to seduce John slowly and with every ounce of subtlety and finesse he possessed. Offering to find out if John’s overbite got in the way of sloppy makeouts was not even in shouting distance of subtle.
Dave did an impressive mental scramble trying to figure out a way to salvage the situation. He kept his eyes straight ahead and resolutely did not look at the object of his affections, who he could feel moving under his arm. He didn’t really have to look at John to know that the boy blinked a couple times as he processed that last extremely stupid statement before sitting up to look at his completely legitimately calm friend with confusion. Those impossibly bright blue eyes would be fixed on Dave’s face, those oh so tempting lips would be slightly parted as John figured out how to respond, the tip of that pink tongue darting out to run over those pearly whites in a really distracting nervous habit he had and seriously fuck Bethany Greer.
“... What?” John managed at last. Dave chanced a glance to the side and sure enough he was met with parted lips and wide eyes and he cursed John’s infinite reserves of adorableness. He tried his best to look away but found the task impossible.
“What?” Dave responded intelligently. Since he was preoccupied imagining John licking his lips he hadn’t come up with a way out of his idiotic slip. He was aware he should probably not be pressed up against John when he was in that kind of state but he could not make himself take his arm back. Besides, he reasoned, if he pulled away then John might be hurt by it. He tightened his grip around his best friend’s shoulders and John snuggled in closer. Dave was torn. On the one hand the closeness was good because it meant that he hasn’t scared John off, but on the other hand Dave’s self control was already in tatters.
John was still looking up at him with that slightly confused and infinitely trusting expression. Mentally groping around for anying to save their friendship and his grand plans of seduction, Dave came up with irony. He felt cheap, using it as a shield, but he could not think of anything else. Hopefully his brother wouldn’t find out and school him for it.
Then again if Dave told his friend exactly what he wanted to do to him and through honesty convinced John it wasn’t true then it would in fact be a proper application of irony. Maybe. Dave’s brainpower was mostly taken up by analyzing every square inch of John currently pressed against him.
“If you won’t believe me when I tell you that you’re going to be an excellent kisser I can’t see any other way to solve this except finding out for myself,” Dave said with smooth dethatched calm. He mustered up a silent ‘fuck yeah’ in self congratulations for keeping his voice steady even when his mind was a disaster zone. It should be illegal to have eyes that blue.
“Oh...” John mumbled. He had that puzzled look he always had when he was trying to work out what level of irony he was hearing.
“Hey a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do when it comes to helping his best bro,” Dave continued. He had to really lay it on thick so that John would think it wasn’t true. “If you’re worried about your teeth getting in the way—which is bogus—then I’ve got to step up to the plate and teach you how it’s done.”
“How are you going to teach me when you’ve never kissed anyone either?”
The words themselves were enough of a blow to the well traveled façade Dave put on for others, but the smirk on John’s face was a kick straight to the ego. Dave frowned and John’s irritating little grin got bigger.
“I’ve kissed a girl.”
That earned a chuckle. “You kissed Hanna on the lips on a dare.”
“I kissed her three times.”
“There wasn’t any tongue.”
Dave wondered how it was possible that such an oblivious boy could see right through the coolkid. Only on certain things or else Dave’s plans would be useless, but still. No one else could cut right through the way John did without even trying. It was a big part of the reason Dave wanted him so badly.
“Don’t spread that around, okay?” Dave said very seriously. While his ego was bruised he was starting to feel much less panicked and as an added bonus he didn’t have to remove his arm from John’s shoulders.
“Oh, I wouldn’t want to wreck your fake reputation for being a manwhore.”
“Hey now I’m going to have to wash your mouth out with soap.”
“Is it ironic that people think you’re a manwhore when you’re really a giant virgin?”
“A cake of soap.”
John poked his friend in the stomach and laughed, that deep rumbling chuckle that did embarrassing things to Dave’s heart rate. He allowed the coolkid to slip enough to smile back, a small smile but a smile nonetheless. John beamed and it was like looking into the sun. John shifted, even closer, and Dave tightened his arm accordingly. Completely normal, cuddling with your best bro on the couch. Nothing to get all flustered about.
There was a comfortable stretch of silence before John asked, “Well, are we?”
“Are we what?”
John was fiddling with his fingers again. “Are we...” his voice lowered to a whisper. “Are we going to try it?”
“Try the what now?”
“Um... seeing if my overbite would... ummm... you know.”
Dave knew that while John couldn’t actually see his freak eyes getting as big as dinner plates the other boy would be able to see his eyebrows climbing to dizzying heights over the top of his glasses. At last he managed an only slightly strangled, “What?”
“It would help you out too, right? Since, um, then you’d be able to have some experience,” John said, still quiet. “So you can be extra convincing with your, uh, reputation for...”
Dave’s heartbeat was pounding in his head. Eyes locked on his best friend’s, he saw the exact moment when the ‘oh shit’ panic took over. John physically flinched before he buried his face in Dave’s shoulder, clearly mortified. After a couple seconds he started mumbling an apology and started to pull away.
Whatever his plans, whatever his grand ambitions, there was no way that Dave could leave John with that kicked puppy look on his face. He pulled John back and reached up with his free hand to tilt his best friend’s chin up. John looked surprised at first but as Dave closed the distance between them his eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted and it was just as good as Dave had always imagined it would be.
Of course it was less smooth than he thought it would be. They pressed their lips together and it was mostly chaste but their mouths were just a little open and Dave could taste the cherry Icee on the other boy’s breath. Somewhere in there Dave felt the nagging terror come back telling him that he was going to screw it all up, he was going to lose John as a boyfriend and as a friend by pushing it too far, too fast. Then John’s hand was sliding over his shoulder and neck leaving a damp sweaty trail and his best friend’s tongue was running the length of his bottom lip and that overbite did not get in the way at all. John’s mouth tasted like sugar and artificial cherry flavor and the irony of that almost made Dave laugh into the kiss. At some point their teeth clicked and Dave’s lip got pinched between but he really didn’t care that it stung because he was kissing John Egbert and he’d have rolled through a pile of broken glass and puppet dick to get that...
Way too soon they had to break apart because their glasses were having a fight and one of them was going to end up with a cut nose if they kept it up. Dave slowly became aware of a shiny line of drool going down the side of John’s chin and he could feel the matched pair on his own face. He also became aware of the look that John was giving him, nervous and uncertain but mostly his expression was very pleased. Dave realized, far too late, that he was staring with his mouth open and even with his shades on it was probably pretty obvious how much that kiss affected him. Coolkids didn’t get all flustered after an awkwardly wonderful and painfully short makeout session with a cherry-flavored doofus so hot it should be illegal.
It wasn’t until John reached up to scrub away that smear of spit that Dave even realized that he was being spoken to. He rewound in his head and was able to process that John wanted to know if he was okay. Dave floundered for something smooth and unaffected that would still tell John that he was definitely not lacking in the kissing department, but it turned out that silence was all he needed. After a few seconds John smiled, not the huge beaming smile that was his norm but instead something softer. Dave’s heart did a pleasant and completely manly flutter at the sight and the knowledge that he was the one who banished John’s doubts. He would have leaned back in and continued banishing doubts if his Bro didn’t pick that moment to fumble with his keys and ironically shout, ‘honey, I’m home!’ outside the apartment door.
John squeaked in surprise while Dave’s reaction was a measure more cool. They quickly adjusted their crooked glasses and moved so they were a little less in each other’s laps, though their legs were still touching. When Bro walked in there was no evidence that the two of them were just making out aside from the blush lingering on John’s cheeks and the seething resentment Dave was telepathically sending his brother’s way. Of course he knew, figured it out even as Bro was opening the door, that this was for the best. A single kiss, extended though it may have been, could be explained away as Dave being an exceptionally good friend. If he leaned in again after the point had very clearly been made then John might have had a few questions and it was still too early for Dave to answer them.
However, and Dave was very excited about this though of course he would never show it, even though kissing John again would lead to difficult questions later, Dave was pretty sure that John wouldn’t have particularly minded having Dave’s tongue in his mouth again. With the estimated sexuality meter a few clicks more towards bi Dave was feeling extremely confidant in his chances.
Now if he could just keep his hands to himself long enough to get John for good, not just for a single makeout session.