"Beautiful angel * pulled apart at birth *
limbless and helpless * i can't even recognize you *
I think you're crazy, maybe."
* * * * *
The pounding of the door wakes him.
"All right already, Jesus!"
Rubbing his eyes, he makes it to the door, halfway expecting to see CJ there. But it's not. It's Sam. And he looks crestfallen.
Sam looks at him, and he has that kicked puppy dog look and Josh thinks back to the Labrador he had as kid and the resemblance is uncanny.
His face is pale. His eyes tired, lost, full of pain.
"How long have you known?" His voice is barely audible and full of anguish. Josh's chest hurts.
"Sam -- come inside."
"How long have you *known*, Josh?"
And now there is a flair of anger, but only a flair, because this is Sam.
"Let's do this inside. Come on." Josh looks hard at him and Sam sighs, unwillingly giving in, and moves forward. Josh shuts the door behind him.
"Chips? Salsa? Pizza?"
"Knock it off."
Josh sighs and motions to the couch. Sam hesitates a moment, then sits.
Josh stares at the coffee table, resting his hands on his knees. He doesn't dare look at Sam. He can't.
"Four days." He tries to ignore the croak in Sam's voice.
"Apparently I'm their last priority."
"And you know, Toby said, 'I'll be right here when you're done.' Toby doesn't say things like that. And you've been -- well, I know how you've been. I should have seen this--"
"No, I shouldn't questioned, I should have pushed."
Now Josh looks at him. "It wouldn't have done any good, Sam. Toby figured it out on his own and he still had to corner them in order to get answers. It would just have made you bitter. The President," he stops and sighs. "The President had to do this on his own time, you know that."
"I know that."
Josh sighs again and flops back. "I can't believe this is happening."
Sam leans back as well, his shoulder pressed to Josh's. "I know."
"I can't -- I'm so damn tired, Sam."
Sam kisses his neck. "It's all crashing."
"It's all crashing."
They're silent for a moment. Josh shifts and stretches out, pulling Sam down with him. "You know, I wanted them to tell you sooner. I wanted them to tell you this morning."
Josh looks at him. "He said that?"
Josh shrugs. "Well, yeah. Just don't know why he'd mention it."
"Whatever. I looked for you."
Josh shifts, allowing his hands to stroke Sam's biceps. "Yeah.. I just, I just had to get out of there. And I found CJ because I knew she'd be told already and, we're just all fucked up, Sam."
"We'll get through."
"You're so sure."
"We will. We -- have to."
"You could can the brave act when you're with me, you know."
Sam nuzzles his neck. "So can you."
"Oh I'm way past brave."
Sam looks at him, his face growing with something akin to concern and Josh wants to kiss him to stop it from happening. So he kisses him and distracts Sam and Sam kisses back, moaning sadly, and he shifts and presses Josh's weight into the couch and they're dry humping, trying to lose themselves in every touch, every kiss, every motion. Because Josh needs this, and Sam apparently needs this as well. And he needs to know that if nothing else is certain, then at least this was.
But Josh shakes his head, pushing that thought aside, because he won't let it happen, won't let this go. It's the one thought that never goes away though. The one worry that never ceases. It never will. There are people out there who would love to get wind of this; would love to make their lives even more hellish than they already are.
But Josh doesn't think about this, because this is Sam, and this is him, and this is comfort, and the President has MS, and Joey Lucas is going to have a poll ready in about 85 hours, and Sam is arching above him, crying out.
And Josh pushes against him, slams his body up, and lets out a loud groan.
And now they're sweaty and sticky, and panting, Sam is chuckling quietly and Josh loves the sound.
"I haven't done that since high school."
"I haven't done that ever," Josh responds, amazed he can even manage a smile. And it's true, Josh had never done that. He was never one for maddening foreplay. He was more of a 'let's get naked and skip the preamble' kind of guy.
He wonders why that has changed while with Sam. He thinks it could have something to do with actually sleeping with someone you love. But there was Mandy, and he's pretty sure he loved her, and he never would make out with her for hours while still dressed. No, Josh is pretty certain it has to do with the fact of being in love with someone already *before* having slept with them.
"Are we gonna be okay?" Sam's quiet voice comes, and he's so unsure, and Josh thinks maybe he did like Brave Sam better.
"Well, I'm, I'm not ok." And Josh feels he should say this, because yes, it's all crashing, and he wonders how long it's going to take until he loses all control.
Sam sighs. "I'm not either. I just--"
"Don't want to admit it."
"we really are, Josh," Sam whispers.
*I'm slipping, I'm slipping further in, I can't get out.*
"What do we do?"
Josh pauses and closes his eyes. He doesn't think he has any fight left.
He thinks of the satellite that is crashing to earth. And waits for his turn.
* * * * *