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Desperados Under the Eaves

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"As I sucked his cock on the streets of Laredo,
As I sucked his cock in Laredo one day,
I fisted a cowboy all dressed in black leather,
All-- Oh, hello, Mulder."

"Alex?!"

"Back here, behind the cooling unit. Put these on."

"Alex--"

"Hey, I even got you a white hat, since I know you like to be a good guy. Let's hope your suspect isn't smart enough to figure out the hat."

"Alex, what the hell are you doing?"

"Mulder..."

"--mmph!--"

"Now that I have your attention, I'll say this again in words of one syllable. Put. These. On. And. Then. Go. In. There. And. Dance."

"What!"

"You wanted me to keep an eye on the suspect; I've been doing that. Now it's your turn. But if you go in there in Armani you're going to stick out like a-- um, sore thumb."

"But cowboy clothes?"

"It's a western bar, Mulder."

"But--"

"And if you learn to two-step I'll get you leather chaps someday."

"I say, you look like a leather chap already, don't you know."

"O God, Mulder, I love that accent. Do it again."

"It's our native...tongue."

(snicker)

"Alex?"

"Sorry, Mulder. I just realized you were speaking the Queen's English."

"Alex, it does NOT look like that kind of bar."

"Nope. So you're gonna have to go in there and give some nice western girl a thrill. They'll be falling all over themselves to teach you how to dance."

"Krycek, I am not going in there, and especially not in those clothes."

"What's wrong with these clothes? The great American west was won by brave men wearing--"

"Krycek, think about the manure duty Kersh has had us on. Cowboy clothes place second only to overalls in my list of the world's least sexy clothing."

"Really?"

"Alex, stop that."

"...Really?"

"O God, Krycek, is that vest as soft as it looks on you?"

"Touch it and find out."

"It's almost as soft as the skin under this silly shirt you're wearing... Were wearing..."

"Oh!"

"Do that again."

"Yes! Yes!"

"My God!"

"Oh!"

"Oh!"

"Yes..."

"Alex! My God, Alex!"

"Mul--" (gasp)

(pant)

(pant)

"Well."

"Oh, yeah. Very well."

"Alex?"

"Yes, Mulder?"

"Give me back my clothes."

"Nope. You're going to put those on instead."

"I am not!"

"Flip you for it?"

"Flip you anytime, Alex--"

"Oh, yeah... Hey, if we do this again, maybe I'll get you some spurs."