Chapter Text
Ivan was five when they told him he was going to have a Da.
A Da! He understood, in a vague sort of way, that he already had a Da, one who had gone off to be a hero in the War, and they said it was a hero thing not to come back. But Ma sometimes looked a bit sad when she said that, and other people like Cousin Miles had Das who had fought in wars and were heroes and they had come back. But Cousin Miles needed his big strong Da to carry him around because Cousin Miles was so small, so maybe Cousin Miles was special – but then again Cousin Miles was always special.
But then he remembered that Cousin Gregor didn't have a Da either, or a Ma, and Cousin Gregor was supposed to be Emperor of Barrayar when he grew up, so maybe it the people who didn't have a Da who were special, and the people who didn't have a Ma were really special, which was really quite sad. But that meant he was special, and got him wondering whether he would be less special when he got a Da.
"Ivan?" Ma said, and she looked a little worried, like she was asking for his permission, but Ma never asked for his permission, because she was, well, his Ma.
"Will I be less special because I have a Da?" he blurted out, because he did want a Da – Das were fun and they brought you out and they carried you on their shoulders and they played with you and told you stories. Or at least Uncle Aral did that with Cousin Miles, and it obviously only worked when you were someone's Da, because Uncle Aral was just plain scary as an uncle.
Ma had a strange look on her face, like he had said something funny, but she also looked sad, so it was very confusing. "Ivan," she said, and she put her arms around him. "You will always be special. You'll be extra special, because you'll have two fathers."
It was only a while later that he found out who his Da was going to be. He hadn't really thought about it – he had just thought that his Da would be his Da, someone unique. He hadn't thought that maybe Das had to come from somewhere, or in this case, someone.
And so when Ma told him that the someone in question was Uncle Simon, Ivan wasn't so sure that he wanted a Da any more.
Uncle Simon, like Uncle Aral, was scary. He wasn't even a Da to someone else, so Ivan wasn't very sure how good a Da he would be. Everyone knew that Uncle Aral was the scary one who would eat you if you didn't finish your vegetables or go to bed when you were supposed to, but Uncle Simon was the one who would send his boogeymen to hunt you down if you snuck out of bed at night or if you went to the caravanserai or anywhere you weren't supposed to go. And Ivan knew that as a fact, because he had snuck out of the house one night without his ImpSec bodyguards (and it was all Cousin Miles' fault), and Uncle Simon's boogeymen had come after him. Uncle Simon hadn't yelled, but his voice had gone so cold that it felt like opening the window in the middle of winter just as a gust of wind came blasting through. And Uncle Simon was scary because he remembered everything, like the time Ivan had fought with Cousin Miles and tried to hit him and Bothari had nearly pulled his arm off for that.
But Uncle Simon was very polite to Ma, and Ma was happier when he came by. And Uncle Simon was good at telling stories. He didn't tell stories much, but when he did they were good stories, funny ones about Uncle Aral when he had been young. And if Uncle Aral were there, Uncle Aral would groan and tell him off for bringing those up, and Aunt Cordelia would laugh, and Ma would smile.
So maybe Uncle Simon would be a good Da too, although he was probably too skinny to carry Ivan on his shoulders.
Ivan supposed he didn't mind, and everyone said it was a good time for Uncle Simon to become a Da because the Komarr Revolution had ended and Uncle Simon had a lot more free time.
So Uncle Simon and Ma got married in the spring - because getting married was apparently something you needed to do before you became a Da - and Ivan got to carry the rings. It was the first time he saw Uncle Simon really smile, not that funny smile he got when things weren't funny at all.
And Da moved in, and Ma got him to promise not to have his boogeymen everywhere, so they stayed outside the house.
And Ma stopped wearing grey, and it seemed like that was a really good thing.
In the winter of that year, Da drove him and Ma to ImpMil, where they showed him a big glass tube called a uterine replicator. It took him a couple of tries to get the word right, while was annoying because he knew Da was laughing at him even though he didn't seem to be laughing, because Da remembered everything and of course it was easy for him.
Then Ma told him that the uterine replicator was actually for his little brother, or little half-brother, and Ivan had forgotten all about Da laughing at him.
Cousin Miles didn't have a brother, or even a half-brother. Cousin Gregor didn't have one either. He would be the first to have a brother, and it had to be fun, because brothers could play with you, and maybe Ma wouldn't scold him so much if she had someone else to scold, and Da – well, he didn't know what Da would think, but Da didn't seem to get upset much, and maybe becoming a Da had helped, because he wasn't as scary any more.
They spent a lot of time at ImpMil after that, him and Ma, because Da was always at work. His little brother didn't look like much of a little brother yet – he was so small and curled up like a bean. The doctors showed him pictures and charts, and he could see his little brother growing bigger, but it would be months before he was ready. Ivan asked why couldn't they just make him grow faster, and the doctors laughed and told him that some things take time, and Ma scolded him and told him that he needed to learn patience.
It was on one of those visits to ImpMil that he discovered that there was a name on the lid of the replicator, and it read Adrian Leonid Illyan.
"Not Vorpatril?" he asked Ma, and Ma shook her head and said that this was how it worked.
"But then he won't be Vor?" Ivan asked, because having Vor in your name was how people knew you were Vor, and there were all these people who said that not being Vor would be a terrible thing. But Ma said it was alright, his little brother would be Illyan and that would be just as good, because no one would mess with Da, and he was in a class of his own, whatever that meant.
Ivan thought about it a bit, and told Cousin Miles, and Cousin Miles said that Aunt Cordelia wasn't Vor either and it all worked out okay.
Winter became spring again, and started easing into summer. There came a week where Da didn't come home at all. There were times when Da didn't come home for a day or sometimes two, but he had never been away for so long. Ma said that it was because he was stuck in the Residence doing work, and Ivan made a face. It hardly seemed fair – it was like his Da wasn't taking this Da thing seriously. What was the point of getting married to Ma if he wasn't going to come home?
When Da called on the commconsole that evening, he looked tired. At least there was commconsole, Ivan thought – the Time of Isolation must have been awful, without commconsoles to talk to people. Ma looked a bit hopeful when Da called, but when Da apologised and said that he wasn't coming home tonight either, Ivan decided that enough was enough.
"You're always at work," he snapped. "What are you so busy with?"
Da blinked at him, and Ma said "Ivan" in that tone of voice that meant trouble, but Ivan wouldn't be stopped.
"I can't say," Da said. "It's classified."
"That's what you always say!" Ivan said, "And you can't be busier than Uncle Aral and he sees Cousin Miles everyday!"
"Uncle Aral lives in the Residence," Ma snapped. "And you will stop speaking to your father in that manner, and apologise immediately."
"Why can't we live in the Residence either?" Ivan asked. "I mean, it's not like they don't have space. They have lots of space."
Ma opened her mouth to tick him off for not apologising straightaway, but Da beat her to it. "A fair point," he said. "Perhaps you could visit for a few days?" He was looking at Ma.
Ma worked in the Residence too, sometimes, but not as much as Da. It seemed only fair – everyone who worked in the Residence should be able to stay in the Residence, like Uncle Aral and all of Cousin Gregor's armsmen.
"I'll think about it," Ma said, and her tone made it clear that she was still mad. "And we're still waiting for your apology, Ivan."
"Sorry," Ivan mumbled, but he couldn't help but feel a bit smug. He'd done something! He'd gotten Da to – what was the word - concede. This sort of thing only ever happened to Cousin Miles, but maybe it wasn't so hard after all. Maybe it just took some getting used to.
"Sorry for what, Ivan?" Ma said.
"Sorry about yelling," Ivan said, and then because he couldn't help himself, he blurted out, "But it was the right thing to do, right?"
From the look on Ma's face, that was not the right thing to say.
Ma decided to visit and stay over at the Residence for a day or two. Before they left, they dropped by ImpMil to visit little brother again. Little brother was still so small, and Ivan couldn't help but wonder out loud if little brother was going to turn out like Cousin Miles, and he really hoped not.
That was when the doctors went into long explanations that Ivan couldn't really understand, about how Cousin Miles had been poisoned, and Ivan learnt that before uterine replicators Mas carried their babies in their stomach, which just seemed weird – where would all the food go? – and Ma and Da had decided to use a replicator because of the horrible things that had happened to Cousin Miles.
"But you were born by natural birth," said the doctor, and Ivan went "eww" and made a face--
--and that was when all the lights went out.
"Ma?" Ivan asked, looking around for her, because she had been talking to a doctor at the other end of the room. But everyone was suddenly shouting or talking or asking what was going on, and no one seemed to have any answers, and the doctors were saying to make sure that the replicator had swapped over to battery power, and there were people fumbling in the dark and he couldn't find his Ma.
"Ma?" he asked again, and someone knocked into him, and he thought he heard his Ma. He tried to get to the side of the room like Da had told him to do, to hang onto tables or chairs so he wouldn't be knocked over. Then the door opened and there were torchlights and Da's boogeymen - ImpSec men, telling everyone to stay calm and evacuate immediately.
"But the replicator--" said a doctor, and ImpSec said that they would get it, and that they had to move now. The adults were shoving him everywhere and it was all that he could do not to be knocked over.
"Ma!" he called out again, and then Ma was there, just visible in the torchlight, and she swept him up.
"Stay close to me," she said, "And don't let go."
He clung onto Ma as the ImpSec men tried to get them to go - this way, Lady Vorpatril, but Ma wouldn't go until she saw that they had taken the replicator, so one of the ImpSec men grabbed it, and then they started moving towards the door.
Then everything exploded.
He didn't even see what happened, only that there was too much light and sound. The ImpSec men shoved Ma to the floor and Ma shoved him to the floor, and then there was the sound of stunner fire or disruptor fire, and the ImpSec men yelling at them to get up and move move move.
Where's Da? he thought, in a moment of terror, as Ma pulled him to his feet and ran with him. Das were supposed to protect you when things went wrong, that was what they all said. And his Da was in charge of security, and so he was supposed to make sure that everyone was safe. And maybe it took a while for him to get here from the Residence, but he would be here to make sure that everyone was alright, right?
He didn't know where the ImpSec men were taking them. All the lights were still out, and no one would answer any of his questions. Ma just shushed him and told him that they were going somewhere safe, and when he asked whether Da would be there, she didn't reply.
They ran down the stairs, because the elevators weren't working any more. His mouth was full of the taste of smoke and his ears kept ringing, and every time he heard the sound of energy weapons firing he jumped. But Ma was calm, and so he tried to be calm as well. He was Vor, after all, and he was supposed to be the man in the family since Da wasn't around, so he shouldn't be scared. Couldn't be scared. Vor were supposed to be warriors, and he was sure that they didn't have that horrible crawling feeling of fear down their backs.
So he took deep breaths and told himself that he only needed to hold on until Da came, and Da would make everything right. He couldn't get his heart to stop beating so fast, though, but he supposed that was okay because no one else could tell.
The stairs seemed to go on forever, but finally they reached the bottom and there was a door and the ImpSec men went through first.
"All clear," he reported, and then another ImpSec man guided Ma and him out the door. They were just outside ImpMil now, in the garden near the back. It was bright daylight out here, and it hurt his eyes and made him squint, but he held onto Ma's hand and ran after her.
They were almost to the exit when the disruptor fire started again.
The ImpSec man moved immediately – Ivan swore he didn't even see him move – shoving him and Ma down behind a stone bench and returning fire. Ivan ducked down and pressed his fingers into his ears, telling himself that he couldn't be scared, and all the while wishing that Da was here, because everyone was scared of Da.
He saw the ImpSec man carrying the replicator, and tried to signal to him that they were over here. The ImpSec man turned towards them, and then he jerked horribly, once, twice, blue fire sparking over him. He's hurt, Ivan thought, as the ImpSec man took one more step, then collapsed to the ground, twitching.
"Get up!" Ivan yelled at him. "You have to get up!" But he wasn't getting up, and that was when Ivan realised that he was dead.
Da, he thought, staring at the replicator and his little brother just lying there, all alone and helpless. Da you have to save him, you're his Da!
But nothing happened, and the ImpSec men were still firing, and that was when Ivan realised that his Da wasn't going to come.
So that's why he's not Vor, he thought, feeling a bit numb. Which meant that he would have to be Vor instead, and he would have to protect his little brother, because that was what Vor did.
So he jumped to his feet, preparing to dash to where the replicator was just lying there on the ground, in the grasp of the dead ImpSec man. But before he could take a step, Ma yelled "Ivan!" and grabbed him and pushed him back down, and he struggled against her saying that he had to rescue his little brother, because no one was going to rescue him, and Da wasn't coming, and Da's boogeymen weren't invincible like he had always thought, and Ma was saying no, no you're not allowed, you have to stay here.
And while he was struggling against Ma's grip, he saw the horrible blazing beam of a plasma arc rake the ground near the replicator... and then it exploded in a shower of molten glass and steam.
Ivan stopped struggling. Ma didn't scream. Ma's grip on his shoulders tightened until Ivan was sure that her fingers would leave bruises, but he didn't dare to tell her to let go. All he could do was stare at the ruins of the replicator, and even though he didn't really know how it worked, he was quite sure that it wasn't working any more, and that little brother would be in deep trouble. "Ma--" he said, and his voice came out as a squeak. The ImpSec man beside them was saying "I'm so sorry, my lady--" and there was a blast, far too close, and the ImpSec man jerked horribly as well and fell over.
There was a sudden silence. Ivan glanced at his Ma, and his Ma's face was terrible to behold, her jaw clenched tight and a strange fire burning in her eyes. He saw her reach over to pry the disruptor from the ImpSec man's hand and as they heard footsteps nearing the bench that they were hiding behind, she stood up, the disruptor in her hand, and shot the enemy who had been approaching them in the face.
The man made this horrible, gurgling scream, and Ivan had to resist the urge to clap his hands over his ears again. That was when he saw the other one aiming at Ma from across the garden, and he did what he had seen the ImpSec men do, which was grab Ma and try and push her to the ground.
It was harder than it looked, and she stumbled but didn't fall, but it was enough that the stunner beam sliced past them and hit the wall instead, and in that moment, Ivan saw another disruptor beam from somewhere near the gate lance across the garden to hit the man square in the chest.
Then dark-suited ImpSec men were fanning out across the compound, and everyone was firing again, and Ivan was trying to tell his Ma "get down, get down". But there was someone else running towards them, and Ma turned to aim the gun at him... then the gun dropped from her hand.
"Simon," she said, and Ivan realised it was Da, who was here at last, but way too late. He saw Da glance briefly at the ruined replicator, but Da didn't even look sad when he saw it, just put an arm around Ma's shoulders and held a hand out towards him.
Ivan clasped his hands behind his back and shook his head.
"This way," Da said, urgently, even though people had stopped shooting, and still Ivan couldn't bring himself to take Da's hand.
"You were too late," he said, and something flashed across Da's face. Then Ma took his hand instead, and said "this way, sweetheart", and they were running again.
No one shot at them again. They made it into the armoured car, and Da didn't even ride with them, but by then Ivan was too tired to care. Ma was holding onto him and wouldn't let him go, and he curled up on the seat beside her as they drove in silence.
Later, Da explained that he had not been able to leave the Residence because they had thought that Komarran terrorists would also go after the Emperor. But ImpSec had stopped those terrorists long before they reached the Residence, they just hadn't stopped the ones who had gone after ImpMil.
"Were they after Ma and I and little brother?" Ivan asked, and Da nodded slowly. ImpSec had told them that little brother was dead, but Da's face was still blank, no sign of being upset.
"But why?" Ivan said.
"They were hoping to use you as hostages to get back at me," Da said, and his voice was very soft, very tired.
That was when Ivan realised that he was mad. "Little brother is dead. You don't care, do you," he said, and he knew that Ma would really scold him for that, but some things had to be said. And at last he saw the blank look on Da's face give way to guilt.
"I'm sorry, Ivan," Da said, but Ivan knew that would never bring his little brother back.