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Ridiculous Adam/Ryan Notfic, or, The Language of Scarves

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So, okay, no one's kidding anyone that Adam and Ryan would ever fuck, right? Like. I could be sold on it, MAYBE, with like 30K of buildup, in an AU, but ... no.

Therefore, it would have to be meta. It would be one of those John-and-Rodney-wake-up-in-a-glacier fics, where they're all "well, shit, fanfic writers, why can't we be COMFORTABLE for this one?" Like: Ryan and Adam wake up in a hotel room. With a California King and no TV and the door locked from the outside (like you do).

Adam: Well, I think we both know how this has to go.
Ryan: Fuck off.
Adam: ... Right, okay, let me try this again. Hi! I'm Adam! It's so nice to meet you!
Ryan: ::scarf:: ::more scarf::
Adam: Have scarves ever gotten you out of this kind of thing before?
Ryan: ::glowers:: ::attempts to call Spencer::
Adam: ... seriously, how do you not know how this works? Don't they have you fucking your lead singer like, 24/7?
Ryan: Band split a while ago. Also, how the fuck do you know that?
Adam: Well. I mean. You've SEEN your lead singer, right? I can use google. Sort of.
Ryan: Please fuck tell me you have drugs. Anything at all. Or a minibar.

And then they get riotously drunk, even though the whole time Adam is like, "Dude, seriously, I've got this. We'll just fuck and then get to go home, it's easy-peasy. You'll love it."

And Ryan's like, A) I don't do dudes, B) I really don't bottom, and Adam looks him up and down and goes, suuuuure, honey, whatever you say. And then feels briefly bad about stereotyping but then looks again and well, REALLY NOW.

Drunkness = talking about music! About which I know nothing! But whatever! They sing together! Sea shanties maybe! And Ryan's all :| show off :| and Adam's like WHATEVER YOU LIKE IT and Ryan is all ::scarf:: ::scarf:: to hide his almost-an-expression.

And Adam starts stealing Ryan's scarves to play with because he's BORED, dammit, and kind of horny, and then he's like, "oh, man, I bet I'm supposed to tie you up! That is clearly what all these scarves are about." And Ryan glowers more and tries to take the scarves back, but Adam is kind of attached to them now.

"Seriously, though. These are, like, perfect. And it's a four-poster. When was the last time you were in a hotel room with a four-poster? That is not normal. That is a Sign. Omg, what sign are you? And what time of day were you born?"

Ryan does not have a lot of patience for astrology, so he goes with the lesser of two evils and starts unbuttoning his shirts.

"How many layers are you wearing? When did cowboy come back into style, anyway? Although my compliments to your tailor on those jeans, because damn. I can't believe you weren't stitched into those."

Ryan: :| ::no scarf::

"Seriously, though. You are one cute lanky little drink of water, aren't you?" And Adam sort of pushes him back and Ryan just sighs and goes with it because THIS IS HIS LIFE, HE IS RESIGNED TO IT, PROBABLY IT'S JON'S FAULT IN SOME ROUNDABOUT WAY, OR WAIT, NO, BRENT.

And it's not like Ryan's never experienced the love that dare not speak its name--Pete totally let Ryan go down on him a bunch of times before Ryan realized he was never going to return the favor or even jerk Ryan off, and whatever, Pete--but not with, like. A really gay guy. Adam's all, like, sure. And he's not talking about tits in a high, nervous voice like Brendon someone Ryan knows, or refusing to look at him. So that's kind of nice, if you're into that sort of thing, which of course Ryan isn't, because Ryan is only into chicks (and Pete, but that's different).

Also, Adam's hung. Ryan doesn't really know what to say about that. He's kind of used to being the biggest weapon in a sword fight. It's weird, and also, when did they both get naked? Ryan does not remember participating in that process.

Adam's still talking, ofc. "Seriously, I have had so much practice with totally random people this way--not that you're random, baby! You are precious and special to me, obviously. Uh. It's definitely Ryan, right?"

Ryan: Don't you have a boyfriend?
Adam: I do! And he is the sweetest thing, I can't even tell you. He's Finnish, and tiny, and he's got this ass that just does not quit, and also--wait, why do you ask?
Ryan: ::glowers:: ::no scarf::
Adam: Oh, baby! It is so sweet of you to worry. No, he totally knows about the fanfic, you don't have to worry. He gets it. He gets written into some Finnish stuff himself, with all these hot Nordic types. And then he tells me all about it. It's great foreplay, I have to tell you. Do you ever tell your, uh, drummer about that before--?
Ryan: Do you mean Spencer? I am not fucking Spencer, omfg.
Adam: Suuuuure. Understood. No worries.
Ryan: I date chicks. All the chicks. Like. Models and starlets and hot rock chicks. Chicks with chick parts.
Adam: You are super convincing right now, forreals. Lift your leg a little? Yeah, like--ahhhh. Isn't that nice?
Ryan: ::glowers:: ::stifles moan:: ::no scarf::
Adam: So have you ever, ugh, thought about trying, fuck, to just tell him how you, mmm, feel? Instead of all this feuding and distance? Oh, motherfuck, you're tight.
Ryan: ::attempting to glower through panting and writhing and gripping Adam's broad shoulders:: ::zero scarf::
Adam: Right, well, your call of course, I'm just saying, he seems like he misses you.
Ryan: Really? ... I mean, ::glowers:: ::comes:: ::no scarf::
Adam: Totally, baby, the whole time I was fucking him he was talking about you.
Adam: Um. Gotta go. See you at the next awards shindig maybe!
Adam: You do hear yourself, right? Those are not friend feelings. I'm just saying.
Ryan: ::attempts to kill by glowering:: ::scarf:: ::scarf:: ::SO MUCH SCARF::

And then they poof out of the hotel room and Ryan calls Spencer and is like ADAM LAMBERT and Spencer's like UH and Ryan is all WHERE ARE YOU RN and Spencer says FLORIDA and Ryan says RIGHT. STAY THERE and then he hops a plane and catches up to the tour and gets Zack to let him in and waves dismissively at Brendon's poor ankle and pulls Spencer into the next room and pushes him up against the wall.

Spencer: Um.
Ryan: No talking. ::scarf:: ::scarf:: ::scarf for Spencer::
Spencer: You gave me a scarf!
Ryan: Yeah.
Ryan: ::scarf::