When Doctor Doom started a horrifying rendition of A Girl Worth Fighting For, with Doombots singing the backup chorus, Loki knew it was time he took this curse seriously.
He plucked the advice-giving lizard off his shoulder and teleported away, just as Doom belted out My girl will marvel at my strength, adore my battle scars!
Dr. Strange was nowhere to be found. Funny how he seemed to disappear off the face of the Earth when all Loki wanted to do was talk to him and maybe strangle him a little.
In the meantime, Loki’s hideouts were becoming increasingly overrun by bunnies.
“GET OUT!” Loki yelled, turning blue with rage.
The bunnies stared at him with wide, cute little blinking eyes. As much as Loki tried, he couldn’t summon the will to destroy them.
“Do not look at me in such a manner,” Loki said, calming down despite feelings of resignation. “And please leave. I have much work to do.”
Loki wished he could say he was surprised when, instead of leaving, the furry creatures began sweeping floors and helping to organize Loki’s spell books.
And if Loki latently discovered himself whistling and singing along to Whistle While You Work, well, he’d never tell a soul.
Loki hadn’t been looking to run into Tony Stark. He had just been trying to lead the magical creatures back to the woods so he could get some peace and quiet. Not that unicorns by themselves were noisy, but they were remarkably clumsy animals when trying to fit inside Loki’s living room.
“What are you doing here?” Loki sneered, putting himself in between Tony Stark and the unicorns, surprising himself with the urge of protectiveness he felt.
“Hey, don’t you have to be, you know, a virgin to capture one of those?” Tony asked, trying to move closer to get a better look. The unicorns eyed Tony warily and kept a safe distance.
“For your information, I did not capture them. I’m returning them,” Loki said daintily, holding his head high. “And also, shut up.”
“Really?” Tony said, incredulous. “Aren’t you like, old as dirt?”
Loki rolled his eyes and shoved Tony into a nearby duck pond. Unfortunately, Tony caught the edge of his cape and pulled Loki in with him. On top of him.
“Hey, so, want to get rid of those unicorns for good?” Tony waggled his eyebrows.
“Not even in your dreams, Stark,” Loki replied, wriggling away from the man. His cape was all twisted up somehow and Loki found himself in an even more awkward position than he’d started in, with his face right above Tony’s.
Meanwhile, a bunch of ducks had surrounded the two, and began to sing:
Now’s your moment
Floating in a blue lagoon
Boy, you better do it soon
No time will be better
“Hey, I know magic’s your thing and all, but this? This is just weird.” Tony said casually, not looking at all bothered for their lips to be mere inches apart.
“I’m not doing this!” Loki exclaimed, finally untangling himself and vindictively pushing Tony underwater for a moment while Loki righted himself. All around him, ducks sang:
She don’t say a word
And she won’t say a word
Until you kiss the girl
“Dr. Strange, I am going to end you,” Loki muttered to himself as Tony resurfaced, sputtering. Loki kicked him once for good measure before climbing out of the pond.
The unicorns were oddly sympathetic and comforting when he returned to them, soaking wet and shivering. Loki didn’t even complain when a flock of doves brought him a blanket, presumably stolen off a clothesline.
Loki decided to outsource killing Dr. Strange. He had better things to do, like buying toys for the basket of kittens that had turned up on his doorstep. He couldn’t help it—they were so fluffy.
However, explaining his situation to the mercenary was beginning to seem like more trouble than it was worth.
“You’re a Disney princess?” Deadpool said, before falling over while laughing hysterically. “The-ha!-writers must really have it in for you! I mean, heh, I thought they had it in for me and all, but they really, really have it in for you.”
“If you could cease your inane chatter—“
“And seriously, though, the little critters just flock to you? I could picture some scenarios where that could be fun, though. Ever heard of Nate Summers, goes by the name of Cable? Tall, muscle-y, shoots lasers from his eyes, big metal arm, incredibly good-looking? Wait, did I say that part out loud? Aaaanyway, my point is...”
“You have a point?” Loki was not amused.
“...my point is, there’s a guy who could use a visit from some cuddly puppies or something, you know? Might help dislodge the huuuuge stick up his ass, because who doesn’t love puppies, right? Even Paris Hilton had that one she kept in a purse.”
“I’m really more of a cat person,” Loki said coldly. “Now, can you help me or not?”
“Uh, who was it again? Dr. Strange? I’d have to have a death wish to go after that guy. Wait, I kinda do have a death wish...but still! No one’s seen him for months. You got any idea where I can find him?”
“Hey, that’s not very helpful. Huh. By the way, do you have the sudden desire to dress up in twirly-looking dresses and dance around the countryside?”
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Wearing dresses, I mean. Not that I’ve done it! Except that one time...okay, maybe two times...”
Loki was just considering whether to attempt further communication with the mercenary or to just leave, when the door to the apartment swung open, admitting a large man with a metal arm. Before Loki could say ‘Nate Summers, I presume,’ the man began singing, remarkably in-tune, "I can show you the world, shining shimmering splendid. Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide..."
“Naaate, I told you not to call me that in front of company!” Deadpool said, before strapping his guns to his sides and going to join his ‘friend.’
Loki just stared after them as they left together and Deadpool began singing along, "A whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew. But when I'm way up here, it's crystal clear, that now I’m in a whole new world with you!"
Upon returning home, Loki sighed and poured the kittens some milk. They weren’t even properly evil kittens, at that. Every villain starting their career should have a dark creature to guard the lair and to cuddle after long days of evildoing, but the kittens were hardly going to grow up into sleek black cats. For one thing, they were all calico. For another, Loki had named them after Sif and the Warriors Three. Loki poked at Volstagg’s furry, pudgy belly and worried that he was living up to his name.
A knock at the door revealed Doctor Doom declaring, “No one says ‘no’ to Gaston!”
Loki shut the door in his face.
Since killing Dr. Strange wasn’t currently a viable option, and his research continued to fail to produce a reverse spell, Loki was left with two options.
Either live with the curse, or seek help from the Avengers.
Loki rapped his knuckles against the door of the Avengers’ mansion, a bluebird perched on each one of his shoulders. He wasn’t surprised when Captain America came to the door, but when he opened his mouth to sing, Loki clamped a hand over his mouth.
“Not. one. word.” Loki gritted out. “No singing, and take me to my brother. Understood?”
Captain America glared at him, but nodded anyway. He also forgot to shut the door, and a deer, three French hens, two turtledoves, and a partridge followed them inside.
Thor was in the kitchen, along with Hawkeye and Tony Stark, sans armor. The Captain stood in the doorway behind Loki, arms folded across his chest.
“Brother!” Thor exclaimed, standing to greet him. The bluebirds on Loki’s shoulders chirped merrily while Loki frowned.
“It pains me greatly to say this, but I require your help.” Loki addressed Thor as Tony winked at him and Clint gave him a murderous look.
“Ah, Loki,” Thor said, “Sit, and tell me of your troubles. Tony mentioned that you had enchanted the birds of the forest to sing for you.”
“I did no such thing!” Loki defended himself, just as Tony said, “It was all very romantic.”
Thor looked confused while Clint continued to look murderous.
Loki sighed. “Brother, I have been cursed.”
“With singing ducks?”
“YES!” Loki shouted, exasperated. “Not to mention when I was trying to buy a car, and it turned into a pumpkin. And unicorns, and talking dragons, and mice that do my sewing for me, and a cricket who keeps telling me to wish upon a star!”
Thor looked thoughtful for a moment, then sang, “A dream is a wish your heart makes.”
“This is the whole problem,” Loki groaned.
“No, wait!” Tony said excitedly. “What if it’s also the solution?”
“What—“ Loki didn’t get to finish his thought before he was interrupted by all four Avengers present singing in harmony:
When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
When you wish upon a star your dreams come true
And okay, maybe Clint was a little off-key, but the general point was made.
“You think I should try...wishing the curse away? On a star? Are you mad?”
Everyone looked at him as if to say, you’re the one with the Disney princess curse.
“Very well, then.”
As it turned out, it did work.
Loki kept the kittens, however. And if, after the entire ordeal, he spent considerably less time being evil, and considerably more time volunteering at the local animal shelter, none of the Avengers ever realized it.