TRANSCRIPT OF DIALOGUE - TOUR FOOTAGE
Knights! of the Round Table - Live at Wembley 2011
[ED NOTE: We may have to cut this entire section - Uther]
(SONG - The Last Time - Rolling Stones)
[ED NOTE: Could be a copyright issue here. Morgana, we have to stop the band playing bloody covers on tour, it's a nightmare for the DVD releases - Uther]
GWAINE: Now, we're just going to have a quick break while the backstage lads sweep all your knickers off the stage, ladies (INCOHERENT CROWD SCREAMING), and you and me will have a quick chat, yeah? Because I know there have been some rumours floating around and we just want to put them to rest.
PERCIVAL: Lance mate, get out front.
GWAINE: Knights! of the Round Table would like to CONFIRM the rumours that our fucking gorgeous keyboard player here has proposed to his missus! The lovely Gwen used to be one of our touring backing vocalists - as the obsessive stalkers in the audience will know - and she's now our assistant manager. So this is the last time Lance will be playing with us on this tour. We know you'll all join us in congratulating the lovebirds, right?
(INCOHERENT CROWD SCREAMING)
GWAINE: Isn't romance a beautiful thing?
ARTHUR: Speaking of …
(GUITAR FEEDBACK. MOMENTARY SILENCE FOLLOWED BY CROWD WHOOPING.)
GWAINE: Ah, yes. Now, there's one other rumour we'd like to get out in the open, and seeing as our guitarist and bass-player have decided to shove it in all of your faces, this is the perfect time. Yes, Arthur and Merlin are dating! And by 'dating' we mean 'sucking face -'
PERCIVAL: All the fucking time.
GWAINE: And doing other things that I'm sure the ladies of ontd_roundtable could speculate on. And I'm sure you're all happy for these two as well -
AUDIENCE MEMBER: (bellowing) HAPPY IN OUR PANTS!
(MORE FEEDBACK, MORE SQUEALING FROM AUDIENCE)
PERCIVAL: Whoa, seriously guys? Onstage?
GWAINE: Phew, it's getting a bit X-rated up here! Save it for the tourbus, lads! … uh, Arthur, your guitar tech is not going to thank you for that ...
PERCIVAL: (laughing) Audience poll - who wants us to put this footage on the DVD extras?
(AUDIENCE CHANTING 'YES')
GWAINE: Alright, alright, maybe we should get this show back on the road with a song? Remember, because we're a band? Not a travelling gay striptease - Merlin, get off your knees, no-one needs to see that -
(AUDIENCE ROARING APPRECIATIVELY)
[ED NOTE: Can you please try to control the bloody talent in future? This is going to be a PR nightmare. We're definitely going to have to cut the bit with Merlin fellating Arthur's pickups - Uther]
[MANAGER'S NOTE: Clearly you know nothing about modern fans. Or DVD easter-eggs - Morgana]
TRANSCRIPT OF DIALOGUE FROM VIDEO DIARY
Knights! of the Round Table 2011 Tourbus Video Diaries - Merlin's Diary.
[ED NOTE: We are cutting this entire section. Which, given this is the only thing Merlin actually recorded, means his whole video diary - Uther]
ARTHUR: Your camera's off, right?
MERLIN: Mmm, yeah, promise. Mmmm ...
ARTHUR: Good. So how about you tell me how your first time showing off onstage felt.
MERLIN: … Arthur, fuck.
ARTHUR: Come on, tell me all about it. Did it get you hot?
MERLIN: Fuck, it … Arthur, I -
ARTHUR: Yeah, babe?
MERLIN: -fucking loved it, God, unnnh, Arthur -
ARTHUR: As much as you love this? As much as my fingers in you?
MERLIN: … want them both …
ARTHUR: Oh yeah? Tell me, Merlin, tell me about it.
MERLIN: D-don't, I can't -
ARTHUR: Yeah you can, tell me all about how you want me to work you open on stage, on camera, how much you want everyone in the world to see you get fucked by me, how much you want it -
MERLIN: Oh, fuck, Arthur, I'm, I'm gonna - Arthur-
(SCRABBLING, A THUD, THE FOOTAGE ABRUPTLY STOPS)
[MANAGER'S NOTE: … can you imagine what this will do for the DVD sales though, if it leaks onto the Internet that this exists? - Morgana]
[ED NOTE: Morgana, I don't care what you think this will do for DVD sales, there is no way we will get this past the censors - Uther]
[MANAGER'S NOTE: … you might be right. I'll keep it for the archives, though. Just in case. - Morgana]