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Promstuck: A Homestuck Fan Adventure (With Prom)

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==>INTERMISSION

John, I know you feel like a wet sack of shit at the moment!

8ut I want you to know that it's going to 8e ok. 8ecause no matter how 8othersome life gets and how much of a stupid turd dum8ass you can 8e when it comes to love, you'll 8e fine. Know why?

8ecause you have me!!!!!!!!

And do you know what I have?

Don’t answer! You know already.

8ecause I have........



==>STEP ONE: ALWAYS 8E SEXY


Always 8e sexy. EVERY moment is a moment to 8e sexy in. 8e sexy at work, or around the home!


==>STEP TWO: SEXY ROLEPL8Y!


8e sure to invest in some SEXY COSPL8Y for SEXY ROLEPL8Y!

Is that hair ever inappropri8???????? Who knows.

I do. Answer: Nope!

If you attract d8s who are aroused 8y dragons, you are DOING IT WRONG. You are a useless piece of shit at 8eing sexy.


==>STEP THREE: FOR 8EST RESULTS, SU8STITUTE VODKA!


For 8est results, su8stitute vodka for all liquids.

uh, vriska not to be rude because these tips look totally useful and i am going to try them out immediately on a pretty girl whenever i have a chance but um...

John!!!!!!!! Are you dou8ting my sexy sex tips for h8ving sexxxxxxxxy sexxxxxxxx!?

no! not at all!

i’m just wondering how you managed to blingee a spiral notebook!

it looks so awesome!

I know!!!!!!!!


ALL liquids. Even your own!


==>STEP FOUR: YOU ARE A WINNER. WINNERS ONLY STRIKE HOME RUNS!!!!!!!!


First and second bases are for chumps! Go str8 for the goods! Nobody bothers with the salad bar, John!!!!!!!!


==>STEP FIVE: M8KE YOUR SEX LIFE EXTEMEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!


Is it a vehicle!

Do it!!!!!!!!

Is it moving?

EVEN 8ETTER!

IS THERE A CHANCE YOU WILL DIE????????

um. go for it?

John, you are catching on!

gosh, vriska, that sounds kind of dangerous!

Duh, of course it does, John. 8ut it’s super sexxxxxxxxy.

it’s just that even though i heard that the french call um.... “it” the “mini-death” or whatever, i think maybe that was just a metaphor...

Sexy sex rule five and a half, John... all metaphors are real and can 8e really sexxxxxxxxy.



=>STEP SIX: 8E ON TOP

If you’re not on top, SOMETHING IS WRONG.

You are my moirail which means you are the 8est and the 8est is always on top. It means you are the winner!

but rose always says -

Rose is a 8oring old ninny. 8oring 8oring 8oring!!!!!!!! John, get it together! Is this 8ook c8lled ‘Rose Lalonde’s Unsexy Sex Tips For Dowdy Middle Aged English Professors?’ No! It’s Vriska’s Sexy Sex Tips For People Who Are The 8est Like Her Moirail John Egbert’!!!!!!!!


wow, vriska. it’s like you wrote this book just for me.

That’s only your imagin8ion!

...why would you draw that?

Shhhhhhhh, John. Only tips now! Now listen up, the last two tips are the most important!



=>STEP SEVEN: CHOOSE AN APPROPRI8 SEX VENUE


wait, wasn’t the moving vehicle the appropriate sex venue?

No, that was for foreplay! John, you are soooooooo naive!

okay so what is an appropriate sex venue?

you mean, like, a bed??

Yes! Like a 8ed........

........that is also ON FIRE!!!!!!!! :::;)

oh man! i never would have thought of that!

vriska, you’re so smart!

I know!!!!!!!!



=>STEP 8: 8E MINDFANG


woah.

Woah is right! No one is as sexxxxxxxxy as Mindf8ng! She had all the 8a8es and 8itches!

vriska, i don’t think i am ready for this much sexiness!

No, not yet. But you will 8e. I will train you myself!!!!!!!!

And those are the sexy sex tips. 88% of the time, they work EVERY time. You will 8e unstoppa8le!

vriska, you are the smartest virgin i know.

Yeah! ::::D




***VIRGIN SNUGGLE HIGH-FIVE COMBO***

***THEY HAVE NEVER HAD AN IRON IN THEIR FIRE***

you’re the best. i can’t wait for us to raise a bunch of moirail babies together.

John, I speak for the whole world when I say NO8ODY can wait for that.

but wait.

vriska, i’ve never had a girlfriend.

who were you hoping i’d use your sexy sex tips for having sexy sex on?

........ ::::/

vriska?

You are so dum8!!!!!!!!




=>END INTERMISSION